Set To Self-Destruct In 10, 9, 8...

Firstly, I would like to apologize to the, like, two people, who read this.

A lot has happened, but really, it's too much for me to just tell you. You'll pick up on most of it as I continue to write.

Lately, my self-destructive tendencies have been really agitating me. It's difficult to look at my arms without experiencing urges to mutilate them. It's even worse to work with razors at the jobs I work at, and not be able to use them for what I want.

The other day, I was talking to one of AOK's exes, who claims that right up until the Monday after we started dating, had been talking about getting back together with her. This was agitating, because he'd always told me that they were just friends now, and he had been saying that he loved me for at least a month. I was torn - should I call and try to talk to him about this, or just dump him?

I ended up just texting him and telling him that we were done, which was unwise, and there were two main factors that contributed to this decision:

1. He wasn't answering his phone. Which didn't matter, I could have waited until morning.

2. I kept thinking that if I broke up with him, I would be able to cut without feeling guilty, because he's the only person I feel morally obligated to tell when I do something like that, and he hates it.

Long story short, the next morning, when he got my text, he called me, practically in tears, denied part of what his ex said, and apologized for the rest. It's my belief that everyone deserves a second chance - but not everyone deserves a third. I'm just sorry he had to use his second one so soon.

But lately, another one of my friends has gone kind of loco. Very few people know about his problem with depression, and I am one of those few. I try so hard to cheer him up, to encourage him, to be there when he needs it, but last night he confessed that he had planned on going to bed with a bag tied over his head. We talked for a long time. I eventually got him to promise not to hurt himself that night, but until that point, I was panicking. It scared me so bad. Of course, I was frightened of losing a friend, and upset that he would hurt himself, but I was also frightened for another reason. I knew that, at that point, if anything happened to him, it was because I hadn't been able to prevent it.

So, I feel like I can relate to AOK's feelings regarding my self-destructive habits. It must be terrifying, not only to know that someone you care about hates themselves so much, but also to feel somewhat responsible for their well-being.

<3 o.