Friday, July 31, 2009

Set To Self-Destruct In 10, 9, 8...

Firstly, I would like to apologize to the, like, two people, who read this.

A lot has happened, but really, it's too much for me to just tell you. You'll pick up on most of it as I continue to write.

Lately, my self-destructive tendencies have been really agitating me. It's difficult to look at my arms without experiencing urges to mutilate them. It's even worse to work with razors at the jobs I work at, and not be able to use them for what I want.

The other day, I was talking to one of AOK's exes, who claims that right up until the Monday after we started dating, had been talking about getting back together with her. This was agitating, because he'd always told me that they were just friends now, and he had been saying that he loved me for at least a month. I was torn - should I call and try to talk to him about this, or just dump him?

I ended up just texting him and telling him that we were done, which was unwise, and there were two main factors that contributed to this decision:

1. He wasn't answering his phone. Which didn't matter, I could have waited until morning.

2. I kept thinking that if I broke up with him, I would be able to cut without feeling guilty, because he's the only person I feel morally obligated to tell when I do something like that, and he hates it.

Long story short, the next morning, when he got my text, he called me, practically in tears, denied part of what his ex said, and apologized for the rest. It's my belief that everyone deserves a second chance - but not everyone deserves a third. I'm just sorry he had to use his second one so soon.

But lately, another one of my friends has gone kind of loco. Very few people know about his problem with depression, and I am one of those few. I try so hard to cheer him up, to encourage him, to be there when he needs it, but last night he confessed that he had planned on going to bed with a bag tied over his head. We talked for a long time. I eventually got him to promise not to hurt himself that night, but until that point, I was panicking. It scared me so bad. Of course, I was frightened of losing a friend, and upset that he would hurt himself, but I was also frightened for another reason. I knew that, at that point, if anything happened to him, it was because I hadn't been able to prevent it.

So, I feel like I can relate to AOK's feelings regarding my self-destructive habits. It must be terrifying, not only to know that someone you care about hates themselves so much, but also to feel somewhat responsible for their well-being.

<3 o.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Long Time, No See

But I have a relatively good reason for about two weeks of my absence: I was in an inpatient unit for overdosing on Toredol. Here's the scoop:

I had a good day. I went shopping with my little sister, we bought some hair accessories and the first season of Pushing Daisies (more on Pushing Daisies later), and then we were going to go see the play at my high school together. We were taking my friend Brain with me. So we were on our way. We got there. I was feeling a little antsy because I wasn't sure if I really wanted to go to the play, but it was too late.

So then we got in there and I saw Han. I despise Han. With every fiber in my being. You of all people should know that.

And I got shaky and my mind wouldn't go straight. I didn't like it. I left, telling my sister and friend I'd be back. Well, I didn't come back. I sent nasty, awful, hateful texts to AOK, and I cried, and I went to the cemetery and cut up my side pretty bad.

I went back to the school, thinking I'd be okay. But Han was sitting in the row right by the door and I saw him and went outside again. I texted another friend, telling her that I needed to see her right away, but she didn't get it; her phone was off. So I went to my car, feeling hurt and angry for no real reason. I felt VERY guilty for having cut my side.

And I thought, "Toredol." I don't know why. So I took a few. Then a few more. Then a few more. I texted AOK telling him what I just did, half with the intention of getting help and half with the intention of getting back at him for I-Don't-Know-What. Well, my friend called me back soon, and I told her what happened and she took me to Mom.

In the E.R., I felt even worse. I had to drink a bottle of charcoal - worst thing ever to drink, I swear. Mom looked so stressed and Dad looked a forced kind of passive. I had to wonder if he was thinking about his sister's suicide attempts from when they were younger. The doctor didn't believe a word I said about there not having been a cause. Honestly, the doctor was a moron.

So I went to a "Behavior Health Unit" for a few days. It wasn't horrible. I'll tell you, the worst part was having no pencil in my room! We had to be in our rooms at 10 every night, and I couldn't have a pencil with me because I was self-destructive.

The nut house is full of interesting people. It really is. And did you know that there was not a single puzzle there without missing pieces?

Well, I got to leave. And I was so happy about that. But life isn't back to normal yet. I was watching Pushing Daisies with my same little sister recently, and had to leave to do something. When I was late, she called me several times, saying she wanted me to come home, she wanted me to come home. I felt so bad. I got home as soon as I could.

Not to mention the whole school knows a completely altered version of the real events. Han has been telling people that I did it because he wouldn't go back out with me, the little rodent. As if I'd want to. Does anyone here see any reason for me to date that frog? Well, if you do, tough luck, because I disagree!

There are more updates to come, I promise. I just need to get back on the wagon here.

I'm sorry, and I love you.


Thursday, March 12, 2009

I Wasn't But I Might As Well Have Been

At the risk of being repetitive, I feel like I'm completely losing control of myself.

Even right now, I can't write what I want to. My mind is a mess. It's like someone ransacked it.

Last night I went to T.H. with my cousin. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her before, so we'll call her Stretch. Well, first we went to eat at Fazoli's, which was fun. We both drank a lot of coke, so by the end of the night we really needed to use the bathroom. We decided to get refills then use the bathroom, so we were filling our drinks, when Stretch got too much and spilled it, and it went all over her arm and the counter. For some reason, I found this hilariously funny. We cleaned it up, and she got more coke, and then spilled it again. We both cracked up, and only laughed harder when a nearby onlooker stated, "Looks like someone couldn't handle the drinks tonight." Stretch said that she had to pee and asked me to handle the coke and then left. I could have been annoyed - that was a lot of coke - but for some reason, I just couldn't stop LAUGHING. That basically kept up the whole night.

And then I sent AOK "drunk texts." I don't even know why. Seriously. Why would a person do that? Honestly, they weren't supposed to look as drunk as they did. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing. I was so out of it and I couldn't stop laughing and I was talking to Stretch at the same time. Seriously, I have no idea what I was doing last night. I just remember freaking out all night. I mean, I was just all over the place. And I have no idea why or what I was doing.

I barely do my homework anymore. That's really not good. I mean, I look at my homework, and I think, "Eh, it can wait." Yeah. I do that, you know, the morning of the day it's due. I don't remember the last time I did anything before the twenty-four hours in which I was supposed to turn it in.

And I bought myself more crap. What is wrong with me? A CD for a singer that I shouldn't even like and a new bra. In my defense, they were both on sale. But seriously. I didn't need a new bra. And Lady Gaga? Why did I buy that? Practically the whole CD is about sex. Why did I buy that?

I do like a few of the songs.

That's not the point.

But I don't know what the point is exactly anyway. I know I've said all this about feeling out of control before, but it's getting a little scary. And right now I'm alone. I don't want to be alone. I wish I could go see AOK but he's working on a car right now. But I really don't feel safe right now. I'm all panicky and shaky and my mind is racing. I'm also starving. I'm always hungry now. I don't understand.

<3 o.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

True Confessions

I have to remind myself yet again that I am writing this blog for myself. I told Elsa about it because I didn't think I'd ever have anything that I wouldn't want to tell Elsa. But there are a few things that I haven't written about because I'd just rather she not know.

So, Elsa. I'm going to write about something I'd prefer you not know about it. And if you continue reading past this point anyway, I won't blame you. But these aren't really things I want you to know.

Now I'm going to insert this miniature paragraph so that she won't catch a glimpse of the confession and get even more curious than she already is. Alright that's enough, I can't think of anything else to type in this little distraction.

Confession One: AOK and I had sex.

I know. I know. I don't even know. I mean... it blows my mind that my brain has deteriorated this much. The worst part is, it was my fault. It was my idea. I don't know why I suggested it or why I did it. He didn't jump for it like some completely selfish jerk, although he didn't need much convincing either.

I don't know why I did it. Part of me is so angry and upset about it. AOK and I aren't strangers by any means, but we certainly aren't emotionally attached to do something like that. And this part of me is so confused, because she doesn't see a point in physical attachment without emotional attachment, too.

And then this other part of me doesn't regret it. Firstly, I think it makes what Han did seem less important. Kind of like saying, "See? It's no big deal. People do this kind of thing." Which isn't really true. But also, it's almost like this part of me knows that it's damaging, and is glad. I don't understand that. But whenever Alice thinks, "Why do that? It's going to be painful later. It's going to be bad," then Judith thinks, "Exactly."

And I know that AOK regrets it. Well, he says he doesn't regret it. But he says he shouldn't have done that and we won't do it again. He doesn't care what we do as long as we don't have sex.

Confession Two: I started cutting myself.

What the freaking crap? I think I've spoken before on how I feel about self-mutilation. I hate the idea. I've been so determined for so long to never, ever hurt myself like that.

So what drove me to this? I have no idea. I can't even remember why I did it the first time, which was a few weeks ago. It was just a few scratches. I was frustrated and lonely and confused, and I guess I thought I deserved it.

After that, I would let them heal, but once they weren't red anymore, I got restless. It bothered me when my wrists were normal. I felt like there should be cuts or scratches there. So every time they were nearly healed, I'd do it again.

Well, AOK found out. I went to his house one day, and I was carrying a watch to keep track of the time. While we were talking, he took my watch and started to put it on my arm, and pulled my sleeve back to do it. He wasn't happy. He kept rubbing my wrists with his thumbs and saying, "Damn, girl." He made me promise to stop.

I did it once after that. And the morning after I broke the promise to him, I was so upset with myself. My skin was burning and I felt absolutely horrible for causing myself injury and for breaking that promise. I went to AOK's house before school in near-tears. I told him I wouldn't come see him anymore and I wouldn't talk to him and that he needed to stay away from me. I asked him if he could really care about someone who could break that kind of promise. I asked if he really wanted to watch someone he cared about tear herself apart like that.

He told me that I had better not stop being his friend like I said that I was going to. I told him that it was what would be best for him. "Don't make my decisions for me. I'll decide what's best for me, and right now, I'm deciding it's for you to see me. If I change my mind, I'll let you know. If this is a mistake, it's the best one I've ever made," is what he said.

Mom, Dad, and my psychologist all know. And maybe my psychiatrist. I think Mom and Dad talked to my psychiatrist. Mom and Dad also know that AOK is the only friend of mine who knows and who I'm comfortable knowing. This doesn't matter much to them, but my psychologist and psychiatrist think that Mom and Dad both need to back off and let me make my decisions where AOK is concerned instead of banning me from seeing him.

But honestly. I'm freaking out. I mean I'm really freaking out. In the past couple of weeks, I've done two things that I promised myself and others that I would never do, and part of me still wants to do them. A big part of me. I'm really, really confused.

<3 o.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Me, Myself, And o.

So there's this part of me that is really aggressive, impulsive, and destructive. We're going to call her Judith. Judith is violently manic, and that is the best that I know to describe her. She doesn't care if what she is doing or about to do is going to hurt someone else or herself - in fact, if it does, the more likely she is to do it. She wants her way.

And then there's Alice. No connection to Alice of Wonderland, surprisingly enough. I don't know why she's called Alice. But she's quiet and passive and easily scared. She doesn't care about getting things her way - in fact, she doesn't even have a way to get them. She is completely dependent on Judith in many aspects, which is ironic because Judith does things purely to torment Alice a lot of the time.

Judith doesn't see the point in being emotionally involved with someone you are physically involved with. Alice doesn't see the point in being physically involved with someone that you aren't emotionally involved with.

So AOK is causing both of them some trouble. Because he is too emotionally attached for Judith's comfort and not emotionally attached enough for Alice's. Judith can deal with this, however, because it's driving Alice mad. So Judith is just getting dirty and dragging Alice through the mud with her.

And Cathy is over there in the corner, thinking about what idiots the two of them are for being involved with anyone at all in any way. Alice likes being close to AOK, and Judith likes being close to AOK. Cathy wishes he'd stop talking to and touching her. Just leave her alone, you disgusting, filthy male.

And as for me? Well, I guess Little o. would mostly like to just disappear. And it would kind of appear that she's starting to do just that.

I really don't understand this. I really feel like I have distinctly different moods with different thinking patterns and tendencies. Like a setting or a mode that can be changed. And it really freaks me out that they have names. Or that I named them. Or whatever. I often feel in a Judith mode - basically destructive, and not really thinking about the consequences of most of my actions. Unless they are bad consequences. Which are kind of encouraging. Which is kind of bad.

<3 o.