Bermuda Triangle Getaway

That was the name of the play that my drama class put on.

Mrs. H has never come closer to cancelling one of her class's plays... but I'm pretty sure she's never been much happier with the results of going on with the show.

Our class (not just our drama class, but the entire senior class of 2009) does not work well together. We were simply not coming together. It wasn't working very well. Monday rehearsals were a nightmare. With a week left, we had a girl come to practice high and with no lines memorized... it wasn't a very promising night. Our publicity pitch was something along the lines of, "What does a brain-washed pilot, an alien in disguise, a 50-year-old boy scout, five beauty pageant contestants, and a hypochondriac have in common?" Well, the teachers' running joke was that none of them knew their lines.

Somehow, we pulled it off. Not only did we pull it off, but it was good. Friday night was near perfect... Saturday night would have been... Until Tony missed the mat upon jumping off the stage into the orchestra pit and broke his foot.

He had to go to the Emergency Room. He was shaking from the pain. He tried to go back onto the stage, but it didn't work. We improvised around it. My character was a wannabe cannibal - what else were we gonna do? Of course, when it came right down to it, I had to have eaten him. There was no other way around his sudden disappearance.

Most people couldn't tell that we had broken away from the script. I should have been voted best actress for that improve - it was stressful! I didn't though, Julia did. She deserved it. Her character was a lizard-obsessed scientist who falls in love with an alien. Halfway through our Friday-night performance, she overheard a few graduated students talking about how she was the only one who in the cast who couldn't act - so I'm glad she won it! I knew the group who was talking about her - they are real jerks. IN YOUR FACE, SLIMEBALLS!

Seth won best actor, naturally. He played a pilot named Jack who was brainwashed into thinking he was Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movie (which I have never seen). For the second act of Saturday night, he went gangster Dr. Evil, and it was hard for anyone to keep a straight face onstage. The only competition he might have had for best actor was Andrew, who played two parts with a total of four roles, because each of his parts was a person in disguise. He was an alien in disguise as a pirate and a rockstar in disguise as a hick from Iowa... it was pretty hysterical.

And Tony won Stole-The-Show funny, even though he wasn't even in the last half of Saturday's performance! YES, he was THAT funny. He was a copilot brainwashed to think he was Mini-Me from the Austin Powers movies... and every time he came onto stage, he was in a different random costume. A turkey, an old lady in a bathrobe, a white leather coat and an afro, a wedding dress... and all the time, he was jumping around like some kind of over-hyper monkey. Which is why he is now on crutches.

And we did make Mrs. H cry... but we thought we'd make her cry because we'd utterly fail. We thought we'd skip five pages of dialogue, or an entire scene or something. She cried because she couldn't believe we'd actually pulled it off so well - or that we'd covered so well for Anthony!

Take that, teachers. What does a brainwashed pilot, an alien in disguise, a 50-year-old boy scout, five beauty pageant contestants, and a hypochondriac all have in common? Uh, we all ROCK.

<3 o.

A Post Which Does Not Readily Suggest A Title

Today is November 4, 2008 - It is election day.

That is not relevent to this post in any way, other than the fact that I got little to no sleep last night, thus ensuring that I will probably be more honest than I should be while typing this, and will probably regret it later. But that was the point of this blog was it not? To give me a place to put the things that I would regret later.

Let's talk about Senor. I care about him. I don't mean kisses and snuggles and marriage and whispers and giggles and blushing love... I mean that I care about him, and that I hate seeing him suffer, and I really want to keep him from pain. I don't believe that any of my feelings for him qualify as romantic, but I'll be honest - I want desperately to hug him. I constantly feel the urge to put my arms around him and rest a hand his head and tell him to relax - it really will be okay, I promise! I'll make sure that it will be okay! And today when I saw the cuts on his arm, I just wanted to cry and wipe off each mark - not affectionately, but maybe like a mother might tend a fallen child's knee. I am not sure I am doing a good job of explaining this, but I know that it has to be explained. I absolutely cannot bear it anymore.

I know that if Han knew how I felt, it would probably crush him. I'm not sure if he would have good reason to feel crushed or not - does this qualify as emotional disloyalty? I would never, ever want to cheat on Han in any form. I've had in the past, and I suppose I still have, doubts about the stability of our relationship, and some of them may be connected in some indirect way to Senor... but I don't believe that I want to replace Han with Senor at all. I don't think I would even be able to if I tried. That is not to belittle Senor - Han would not be easy to replace. I treasure and cherish him dearly. He is amazing in every way. I would regret losing him for any reason.

But I am starting to wonder if losing Han is inevitable. No - I am starting to believe that it is inevitable. And I am starting to wonder how I feel about it. Am I alright with that, and trying to convince myself that I am devastated? Or am I devastated, trying to convince myself that I'm alright? Can I prevent it? Do I want to? Of course I can prevent it, within reason - I am in control of my life. The question (for the most part) is how hard I am willing work to prevent it.

And then I don't want to think about it.

How will my friends react? How will his friends react? How will my parents react? How will I answer their questions? What reasons will I give to people? What will I do with my solitude? Will I stay single? Will I get another boyfriend? If I do, what kind? If I don't, how do I say 'no'? What will I do with my Friday nights? What if I never find someone equal to him again? What if it is the biggest mistake I ever make? What if it is even just in the top five? Are there expectations that people have if I break up with him? Do they expect me to spend more time with them once we're apart? Am I using him as a shield?

What if I stay with Han, and I miss out on helping people that need help? What if I stay with him and end up with him instead of someone else I should have been with? What if I miss other opportunities? In careers? In love? In friendship? In education? In art? In literature? What am I sacrificing by maintaining this relationship? Do I need him? What if I do? Is that a weakness, or just part of being human? Are there things about Han that I don't know? That I don't realize I don't know because I'm biased? Am I limiting him in ways that I don't realize? Am I keeping him from other opportunities? In love, friendship, careers, art, travel, or anything else?

As for Senor... he says he loves me. Han would pitch a fit if he knew that Senor "loves" me, and I can't even imagine how he would react if he knew that I knew that Senor "loves" me. It matters very little to me how Senor feels about me... all I care about is that he doesn't dislike me. I don't think he truly loves me. I think he has been neglected by his family and the rest of society... I think that attention and loyalty I've displayed is something he isn't accustomed to. I think he doesn't realize how unremarkable I am; Once he does, I'm sure his "love" will lessen significantly. Until then, I am only slightly concerned; I do not want him to misinterpret my feelings for him. I do not me to misinterpret my feelings for him.

Don't assume that I'm doing that. Or that there is a high risk of me doing it. I only mean that there is a lot of love in me, and not much self-control. I'm not very good at explaining this. I'm just afraid that once other people start questioning my intentions, I will start to question myself. There is no risk of this while I'm with Han. One has nothing to worry about there. Only I'm afraid that if Han and I were to break up, would Senor think that I broke up with Han in part because of Senor? I don't want anyone to think that - I would never do that. I would never break up with one person for another person. But that would be one likely beginning of Senor misinterpretting my actions.

And then I start to worry - Am I using Han? Am I hiding behind him? Am I only with him to avoid complications between me and other people?

<3 o.

Fools of Good Heart

I woke up at about 1:20 pm this afternoon, even though I'd been planning on going to a play at a school (which was about a 50-minute drive away) at 2:00 today. I still went, but I got there about half an hour late.

I'd forgotten what a wonderful play The Curious Savage is. I've written about it before, in my post "The Ever-Present Sympton of Psychotic Thinking" in April of 07. The part that really made me think today was this short exchange between Mrs. Savage and Dr. Emmett :

DR. EMMETT. And who are the fools of good heart, Mrs. Savage?
MRS. SAVAGE. I'd say--those who gamble on people, and invest in kindness--those who doubt that position means privilege, or that manners mean morals. And, of course, the rebels with no fear of failure.
-The Curious Savage, by John Patrick

I would say that what the world really needs are more "fools of good heart": More people who are willing to take risks for the sake of others, have faith in humanity that may or may not have deserve it, and devote energy to helping others. More people who understand that pretenses have nothing to do with rights or value and that every human is worthy of love, whether they are rich or poor, part of a minority, or part of a majority.

What the worlds need is people are who are stupid enough to do the right thing no matter what.

And these people: They need to be bravely acting on their beliefs, not writing about them in a secret blog like me.

I've always thought it best to be a "fool of good heart," although I'd never thought of it in those specific terms before. I'm starting to have second thoughts now.

What do you think? Would being a "fool of good heart" ever really benefit anyone, or only get one into unnecessary trouble? Is it better to play it safe and avoid complications? Or should a person try to do the most good that they possibly can, even if there's a chance they'll get hurt or humiliated?

<3 o.