A Post Which Does Not Readily Suggest A Title

Today is November 4, 2008 - It is election day.

That is not relevent to this post in any way, other than the fact that I got little to no sleep last night, thus ensuring that I will probably be more honest than I should be while typing this, and will probably regret it later. But that was the point of this blog was it not? To give me a place to put the things that I would regret later.

Let's talk about Senor. I care about him. I don't mean kisses and snuggles and marriage and whispers and giggles and blushing love... I mean that I care about him, and that I hate seeing him suffer, and I really want to keep him from pain. I don't believe that any of my feelings for him qualify as romantic, but I'll be honest - I want desperately to hug him. I constantly feel the urge to put my arms around him and rest a hand his head and tell him to relax - it really will be okay, I promise! I'll make sure that it will be okay! And today when I saw the cuts on his arm, I just wanted to cry and wipe off each mark - not affectionately, but maybe like a mother might tend a fallen child's knee. I am not sure I am doing a good job of explaining this, but I know that it has to be explained. I absolutely cannot bear it anymore.

I know that if Han knew how I felt, it would probably crush him. I'm not sure if he would have good reason to feel crushed or not - does this qualify as emotional disloyalty? I would never, ever want to cheat on Han in any form. I've had in the past, and I suppose I still have, doubts about the stability of our relationship, and some of them may be connected in some indirect way to Senor... but I don't believe that I want to replace Han with Senor at all. I don't think I would even be able to if I tried. That is not to belittle Senor - Han would not be easy to replace. I treasure and cherish him dearly. He is amazing in every way. I would regret losing him for any reason.

But I am starting to wonder if losing Han is inevitable. No - I am starting to believe that it is inevitable. And I am starting to wonder how I feel about it. Am I alright with that, and trying to convince myself that I am devastated? Or am I devastated, trying to convince myself that I'm alright? Can I prevent it? Do I want to? Of course I can prevent it, within reason - I am in control of my life. The question (for the most part) is how hard I am willing work to prevent it.

And then I don't want to think about it.

How will my friends react? How will his friends react? How will my parents react? How will I answer their questions? What reasons will I give to people? What will I do with my solitude? Will I stay single? Will I get another boyfriend? If I do, what kind? If I don't, how do I say 'no'? What will I do with my Friday nights? What if I never find someone equal to him again? What if it is the biggest mistake I ever make? What if it is even just in the top five? Are there expectations that people have if I break up with him? Do they expect me to spend more time with them once we're apart? Am I using him as a shield?

What if I stay with Han, and I miss out on helping people that need help? What if I stay with him and end up with him instead of someone else I should have been with? What if I miss other opportunities? In careers? In love? In friendship? In education? In art? In literature? What am I sacrificing by maintaining this relationship? Do I need him? What if I do? Is that a weakness, or just part of being human? Are there things about Han that I don't know? That I don't realize I don't know because I'm biased? Am I limiting him in ways that I don't realize? Am I keeping him from other opportunities? In love, friendship, careers, art, travel, or anything else?

As for Senor... he says he loves me. Han would pitch a fit if he knew that Senor "loves" me, and I can't even imagine how he would react if he knew that I knew that Senor "loves" me. It matters very little to me how Senor feels about me... all I care about is that he doesn't dislike me. I don't think he truly loves me. I think he has been neglected by his family and the rest of society... I think that attention and loyalty I've displayed is something he isn't accustomed to. I think he doesn't realize how unremarkable I am; Once he does, I'm sure his "love" will lessen significantly. Until then, I am only slightly concerned; I do not want him to misinterpret my feelings for him. I do not me to misinterpret my feelings for him.

Don't assume that I'm doing that. Or that there is a high risk of me doing it. I only mean that there is a lot of love in me, and not much self-control. I'm not very good at explaining this. I'm just afraid that once other people start questioning my intentions, I will start to question myself. There is no risk of this while I'm with Han. One has nothing to worry about there. Only I'm afraid that if Han and I were to break up, would Senor think that I broke up with Han in part because of Senor? I don't want anyone to think that - I would never do that. I would never break up with one person for another person. But that would be one likely beginning of Senor misinterpretting my actions.

And then I start to worry - Am I using Han? Am I hiding behind him? Am I only with him to avoid complications between me and other people?

<3 o.