Whine A Little, You'll Feel Better

Or at least, I will.

After this, I'm going to try not to complain so much. Only talk about things that I think about. Or think about things to get other thoughts off my mind... or something.

I don't want to go into the details of what's been happening. It's a messy, dramatic, confusing, painful business, and I don't want to think about it.

My body keeps shaking. I'm a little cold, but I can't imagine that my whole body should shake from being "a little cold" when I am sitting directly under the hot air vent. My stomach hurts a lot; almost as if there is a lot of pressure on or in it, although there isn't. I have no appetite, which is bad, because I am currently 95 pounds, and I need one. An appetite, I mean. My forehead feels sore and bruised from thrashing it against the bathroom wall during lunch.

I just realized that the ring of Han's that I'm holding on to is on my left ring finger. I thought I had it on my right. I made the deliberate decision to keep it on my right because of our recent complications. I have no recollection of its transition to the other hand.

I keep thinking or doing things and then in the midst of them wonder why I would do that. If I see much of my flesh exposed, I imagine it being sliced open. My skin is just so unmarred, it seems only natural when I think of it that there should be a cut of some kind. When I realize that I'm thinking about that, I am horrified. Today, I made a list of ways to die and all the pros and cons of these methods. I was reading it over, and I realized that it was a horrible and morbid thing to do, and I didn't even know why I had done it. Sometimes ideas just pop into my head. When I am alone on a staircase, I have the urge/idea: "Throw yourself down that." If I am driving on a country road and there are telephone poles, I get the thought: "Hit one." Immediatley after these things pop into my mind, I respond with, "What? That's a stupid idea, why would I do, or even think that? That's weird." I ignore it and go on. But that's getting increasingly harder.

I don't just yell at and cry at my reflections anymore. Now we argue. They tell me what to do. I tell them to shut up. They tell me not to be stupid and to listen to them because they know what they are talking about. I tell them to leave me alone. Someone usually tells the other that they're ugly. She is though. I often find myself that I'm glad I don't look like any of them. And then I remember that I do. And that's pretty upsetting, because they don't look very happy.

<3 o.