Well, Crud.

For a couple of years now, I've had a t-shirt that just hangs in my closet. It is a very nice t-shirt that I got on sale, and it fits me perfectly. It is a light peach-pink with the red word "ITALIA" written across the front with a green border. I never wore it because it was also a reminder of a painful time during my life, during which I wore it a lot (it was brand new then). Since then, I have never been able to wear it, but couldn't bring myself to throw it away.

Today, I thought I would sell some shirts and stuff to Plato's Closet for a few extra dollars, a plan that ultimately failed, and while getting the clothing together, I thought, "I'll never wear that shirt again. I might as well not keep it." So I put it in the bag with the rest of the shirts.

It happened to be one of the few items I actually ended up selling to them, and as soon as I walked out of that store, I immediately realized that I'd made a mistake in getting rid of it.

Even though it was a sad part of my life, and it is over, I cannot get rid of or forget about what happened during it. It is impossible to delete part of one's life, but even if it were possible, it would be a foolish thing to do. And even though I don't enjoy thinking about it, if I had the choice, I would not throw away those memories. They are sad, yes, but they have taught me good lessons, and even though they are over, I am certain that they will come in handy in the future.

So I regret selling my t-shirt. Like my memories from that part of my life, I'm sure I could have gotten a few more good wears from it.

Now, I'm not really one to pass up opportunity. So, if I find an opportunity to rescue that shirt from the depths of obscurity and an existence of meaninglessness, I shall indeed do so.

Hopefully I can find the time to create that opportunity before anyone kidnaps it from the Plato's Closet rack...

<3 o.

Living Too Fast

Sometimes, I find myself neglecting sleep and relaxation to get things done. We all do that from time to time, don't we? Some of us do it for work or school, which often times is why I do it, but sometimes we do it because we feel have to get things done. I will still up all night drawing, writing, reading, or whatever, because I want to get it done. That way, I can move on to my next drawing, my next book, my next whatever, even though as soon as I get to the next book, I will go through it as quickly as I can to get to the next one. I always tell myself, "If I can just get through high school, then I can start really living." But I know that as soon as I get to college, I'll feel the same way. I think that most humans do that.

I am almost eighteen. I can't believe it. That is so old. Where did my childhood go? My high school years? What have I accomplished in these eighteen years? If I die tomorrow, what will be left of me on this earth? These are the kind of thoughts that lead me to the desire to do something. But then, once I become obsessed with doing something, I will go back to pushing myself to get stuff done, filling up all of my time with so much doing that I don't have time to appreciate all the things that have been done.

I feel, sometimes, that by trying to fit so much into my life, that I'm racing time... and what is the point in that? All I'm going to do by doing that is get to death faster. But if I slow down... I won't get as much done. What is a person supposed to do?

We had a discussion about this in English, and my teacher, Mrs. H, was commenting that she was almost 40, and she felt like it had been no time at all since she had been in high school, and that it just blew her mind trying to figure out where all of her years went. All I could think was, "That's going to be me someday. That's already me." I know I should be too young to be thinking about these things, but getting old is not going to settle well with me. If and when I have a mid-life crisis, I can already tell you that it's going to be bad. If it's possible, I might already be having a quarter-life crisis.

Until now, I've always been one of those people who believe in "aging gracefully," but I already have a slight indentation between my eyebrows from constant frustration. My self-consciousness about my appearance, in addition to my feeling that my life is worthless, is going to make it very hard for me personally to age gracefully.

This post doesn't really have a conclusion. I have gone over my problem here, but I failed to present a solution to it, mostly due to the fact that I don't have one. I guess I just need to remember that there is more after this, and that death is not necessarily the end.

For if that last day does not occasion an entire extinction, but a change of abode only, what can be more desirable?
-Marcus Tullius Cicero

Let us be very careful not to fall into the trap of the world. The world views things only relative to man and to self. The Word of God views things relative to the Father, Son, and Spirit. Mankind is not the center of all things. No matter how great anyone's name might become, it is still far behind His. Our name comes from His life; the name of our Lord comes from the resurrection--the event unique to Him. The world has a problem; it seeks to honor, uphold, exonerate and generally praise itself. Our place and the place of the entire world system is to praise and exalt God. When people of the Bible caught a glimpse of Him, their lives were changed. Perhaps our lives remain stagnate because we do not spend enough time looking at Him.
-Roger Anderson

<3 o.

p.s.: The image is from postsecretcommunity.com.