WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE PHRASE

"Major Depressive Disorder"?

NAMI:
Major depression is a serious medical illness affecting 15 million American adults, or approximately 5 to 8 percent of the adult population in a given year. Unlike normal emotional experiences of sadness, loss, or passing mood states, major depression is persistent and can significantly interfere with an individual’s thoughts, behavior, mood, activity, and physical health. Among all medical illnesses, major depression is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and many other developed countries.

DEPRESSION.COM:
Depression is not something you can just "snap out of." It's thought to be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals, along with other factors. Like any serious medical condition, depression needs to be treated.

That with more screaming and crying. That's what it feels like.

SO WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND? WHAT?! TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND I WILL LOOK IT UP AND PUT IT INTO UNDERSTANDABLE TERMS FOR YOU.

I do not have control over my feelings.

So, Han, I do not have control over how I feel. For the record, I feel unwanted, unloved, unworthy, unbeautiful, and un-anything-good. And for the record, Han was the only thing that every made me feel wanted, loved, worthy, beautiful, or good. I remember when he said he didn't know what he'd do with out me. I remember when he didn't want to let go of our hugs. I remember when he didn't pull immediately away from a kiss. I remember when he hated to not hold my hand. I remember when he'd hold me if I was crying. I remember when I was something to cherish. I remember when I wasn't a nuisance. I remember when he didn't care what others thought, as long as I was happy. I remember when he never yelled at me. I remember all those things and more.

Why doesn't he remember? Or care? Or whatever?

He says his problem is that I'm not happy. BUT THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME NOT HAPPY. He says the one thing he wants more than anything else in the world is my happiness. But he HAS my happiness... I just wish he'd give some of it to me!

What does he NOT understand? He says I've changed, but I am exactly the same as I was when we met: sad, lonely, hopeless. Only then, he wanted to make me happy. Now he wants nothing to do with me unless I can make myself happy.

What does he NOT understand? Or does he understand and not care?

I can't make anyone happy. I can't make me happy. I can't make my parents happy, I can't make Han happy, I can't even make my rabbit happy. I can't even MAKE ME HAPPY.

I could just die.

<3 o.

Good Morning, Midnight!

I've never been much of a concert-goer. I went to one concert in 6th grade with my cousin and our parents, and I really went more for the music than for the concert experience. I have been to a Christian youth conference called Acquire The Fire, and that was something of a concert experience.

On Thursday, I had another concert experience. A few people from my youth group went to a Stellar Kart concert not too far from here. Stellar Kart was good, yes, but what I really enjoyed was the more local opening band, Good Morning Midnight. I loved them before I heard them, just because I loved their name. But I also loved their music. It was lovely, as far as rock goes, and so easy to relate to.

But I am getting ahead of myself. There is a girl in our youth group called Kind. She is tall, thin, and blonde. She's quiet and nice. And she is good friends, of late, with Han. This occurred while I was out of attending youth group. When we got there, he started talking to Kind. This wouldn't normally bother me so much, but for two things: The first is that I'm extremely sensitive lately, more so than before, to his interaction with girls. The second is that his back was rather turned to me, and if it wasn't, they are both so tall that they talk to each other right over me. Then when we were on the bus, he wouldn't let me sit by him. He sat in the two seats in the back, and Kind sat in front of his seats. I sat in front of him and to the side, as there were no back row behind me. I was upset that he'd somewhat ignored me, and also that he wouldn't let me sit by him, and that Kind was closer to him than I was. So I wasn't overly responsive to his little attempts to speak to me. In fact, I faced the window and tried to keep from crying.

Let us pause to examine this need to restrain tears. I've seen my psychologist a couple of times now and the 'diagnosis' is Major Depressive Disorder, which I in no way doubt. Depression or not, though, I'm incredibly sensitive and he knows it. I hate to say this, because it sounds so overdramatic, but this is all considerably due to my feeling completely worthless and inept. And part of that feeling came from the entire Cheer situation. Actually, a lot of it did. That, and his associated hate for any sign of upset from myself. Which was something I couldn't help. Believe me, I tried. I don't think I've every tried harder at anything my entire life. I literally could not keep myself cheerful for any significant length of time, and thusly, I could not keep him happy with me for any significant length of time. Which made me feel like crap, let me tell you.

And that feeling of crap comes up at any time when I feel ignored or unimportant. Which Han doesn't seem to understand. So my moodiness only proved to further agitate him. Which only made me feel increasingly worthless. I didn't even hide it after a while. He reminded me that I was making him look bad and ruining the night, which I hadn't done yet. But since he was going to be upset about me doing something, I figured I might as well do it, so I cried and didn't hide it. Eventually, I forced myself to calm down somewhat. But for some reason, half-way through the concert, I couldn't any more, so I left the concert and went to a back hallway and sat in a window to cry. I didn't think anyone would be there while the concert was going on. One man did walk through, though. An adult man wearing a name landyard walked through and asked if I was okay. My answer was of course an affirmative. Even though of course it shouldn't have been. He asked if he could do anything (a negative) and if i was sure (an affirmative). He told me that if I needed to talk, to let him know. I said okay, even though I had no idea where I'd find him.

And that got me to thinking. My parents are always upset at me when I am unhappy about something they want me to do. Han is always upset at me when I cry for any reason, especially related to him. Everyone is upset at me when I am upset. And this one man that I don't even know is the only one so far who has kindly offered to help without any kind of condemnation. I have only two theories for this:

1. Everyone has their pre-determined ideas of what I should be and what I am capable of. They don't seem to comprehend at all the lack of control I have on my emotions, and maybe they should. And the man who offered to help didn't have those standards already set. He didn't have before and after photos to look at. He didn't see a selfish attention-hungry brat, and he didn't see a pitiful oversensitive nuisance. He just saw a scared and hurting little girl sitting in the corner of the window. It is probably the most obvious thing to see, but no one else seems to look at it that way.

2. Everyone who gets upset at me for my feelings knows how ridiculous they are and how wrong I am for having the feelings I get. They know I'm wrong and messed up and oversensitive and the man that offered to help didn't know me well enough to know that the feelings I had were wrong.

The man left me with those thoughts. And I remember also thinking that Han wouldn't look for me, much less find me, and that he might not even notice if I had left. I didn't really want him to find me at this point, because I knew how upset he would be if he found me crying. But I wanted him to at least look for me.

He did find me. He found me and he hugged me and tried to get me to stop crying and told me he wasn't mad and he was sorry for earlier. All I did was cry more and tell him that I was sorry for ruining the night and that he should go and enjoy the rest of the concert. He did go back to the concert, but made me go with him.

The rest of the concert was good, until the ride home. Everyone had said they wanted to go to McDonalds except our youth pastor, who wanted to go to Burger King. Kind was going to McDonalds. I didn't want to be around Kind. Not then. So I said, "Hey, we should go to Burger King to keep our pastor company." So we went into Burger King, and when the youth pastor came in, guess who was with him? Kind. She had talked the whole night about wanting McDonalds, but as soon as Han and I went to Burger King, what did she suddenly want? This did only bad things to my mood.

Han and I sat by each other on the ride home. He talked to me a little, but he talked to the pastor and to Kind more. The radio was on, and I sang a little, but only to myself. I had my head on his shoulder, and I looked at him a lot, hoping he'd feel my eyes and look back and smile. He didn't really. But it's silly to think he'd know to do that.

I cried when I took him home, I think. I can't remember why. All I remember is him going inside and telling me that he couldn't handle much more of me crying, that he just couldn't. That didn't make it any better.

So, along with at Good Morning Midnight shirt and cd, I was left with this:

Would you tell someone with cancer to just get better? Then why would you tell someone with depression to just cheer up? Do you think I enjoy this? I don't. If it were that easy to just 'be happy,' then believe me, I would be. You don't have to tell me.

I love Han to pieces. I do. But I've become more fragile and he's become less gentle. I don't know what to do anymore.

I've always believed that if I had an incurable disease, I would cut off ties with people I knew and cared about. Because I didn't want to upset them when everything fell to pieces. But for some reason, I now have depression, something I can't get rid of, and I can't bring myself to get rid of my friendships. I feel like I have to. I have to stop making everyone miserable with my misery. But I can't. I want to run off without any warning or explanation and leave them alone, because they'd certainly be better off without me. But I can't. I care too much about them, especially about Han, and I also don't have enough money.

I did run away, though. Last night I dropped Han off at his house a little early and went to the park. Where I cried. This was in part because I didn't want to cry around him. But once I got there, it was largely because I wanted someone to come and find me. No, here's what it really was (to me) :

There was a princess suffering a great tribulation. She was all by herself. She had tried many times to end her suffering and her situation, but she couldn't do it by herself. Her only hope anymore was for someone to do it for her. But no one wanted to rescue her. She was the princess who wasn't worth rescuing.

So eventually I got off the swingset and walked back to my car. I started to heat it up and I kept crying. And lo and behold, a car pulled up. Yeah... it was a cop car. Telling me that no one was supposed to be in the park past 11 p.m. The only person willing to get me out of the park was someone who has to because they are paid to.

But, it is late. Good night, everyone. And good morning, midnight.

<3 o.

We Interrupt This Program For An Emergency

FREAK OUT.

I am in a panic.

And unless you have some helpful medical knowledge, maybe you shouldn't read this.

A few days ago, one of my breasts started getting really sore in a particular area. I figured that since I was not too far from my period, it was probably just tenderness due to that. When it got sorer, I thought that maybe I'd bruised it when I was wrestling / tickle-fighting with Han a few days ago. In the shower last night, though, I realized that a spot right about my nipple was red, and also that right around that red area, it also felt kind of stiff. And it was hurting a lot. Before, it only hurt when it got bumped or touched, but now it hurts most of the time.

Doing my research, I thought it was a "breast lump," which are usually signs of a cyst or cancer. You are supposed to see a doctor if it doesn't disappear after your next menstrual cycle, so I was going to wait a week or two before I saw a doctor. I don't know what the "lump" is supposed to be if it disappears after your period, but I don't think it really matters because "lumps" aren't usually visible and they are usually painless.

Other signs of cancer are soreness and a change in skin, like redness, cracking, dimpling, etc. However, I think it could also be a "breast infection," which generally occurs near the nipple, and is red and sore. The drawing they have on medical sites shows a breast that is much redder than mine, but there are only a few photos that I've been able to find, and their redness doesn't look as wide-spread.

So I'm leaning towards infection. The NEXT problem is, however, that these infections most commonly occur in women who are breastfeeding, and I most definitely am not. Apparently, getting this infection when you aren't can be a sign of breast cancer.

I'm not convinced I have cancer, no. But another thing: The breast that has this red soreness also occasionally has an inverted nipple. Well, apparently 2% of the women in America have at least one inverted nipple, and they aren't dangerous or anything, but for some reason they are in some way associated with breast cancer. That is, as I understand it, if your nipple starts to be inverted when it wasn't before, then that could be a sign of breast cancer. Now, my nipple doesn't do it all the time, and I don't know how long it's been like this. I only noticed it in the last year or two, but that doesn't mean much. And an inverted nipple is not a sure-fire sign of cancer.

However, the soreness, redness of skin, inverted nipple, and unlikeliness of the infection when not breastfeeding are enough to make me worry.

So the problem is: What do I do? Do I wait until after my period to see if it goes away? Do I go see a doctor immediately? I don't want to go to my doctor. For one thing, I don't trust him thoroughly, and for another thing, he's a male. So if/when I go to the doctor, I'd rather go to a female doctor, and that means finding one. Do I do this on my own? Do I talk to my mom? This is really embarassing, awkward and personal, and my mom and I aren't that close, but I may need her help with insurance, and I don't know if I'll know how to find an intelligent female doctor on my own. And then there's always the possibility, faint thought it may seem, that I won't need a doctor. But is that really realistic?

I've always thought really hard about my emotional, mental, and spiritual health. When I have problems, I always think about how they might be attributed to problems in one of those areas. I've never considered my physical health so seriously, aside from my migraines. And now that I've started seriously looking at my physical health, I wonder how much effect a serious physical problem might have on my mental/emotional state, or how it might effect my behavior.

I really don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk to Mom or see a doctor, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I'm also really worried that it will be cancerous.

. . .

UUUUUUUUUUUUURGH. ><

<3 o.

WICKED (part I)

A couple of years ago, I went to go see the musical WICKED in Chicago with my father. It was an incredibly exciting experience, as I had been obsessed with the show and its music (but not the book) for months beforehand. It was thrilling ang magical and even better than I'd imagined. And, like many people, I got from it this message: Things aren't always what they seem. There are two sides to every story.

This past Friday, I went to see WICKED again, this time with my whole family. It's a close call, but this performance may have been even better than the first one I saw. G(a)linda was even funnier than she had been, Elphaba's singing was perfect, and I was seated closer so I could see everything better.

But what was so interesting is that I learned something I hadn't understood before: Not only are there two sides to every story, there are two points to every story.

As I understand it, most people take the lesson, "Don't jump to conclusions" from WICKED. But there is another lesson that is stated even more clearly, multiple times, within the musical. Here are a few examples:
"Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?" (Glinda)
"The truth is not fact or reason. The truth is simply what everyone agrees on!" (The Wizard)
"They call me wonderful. So I am wonderful!" (The Wizard)
"Alright, enough, so be it! So be it then. Let all Oz be agreed, I'm wicked through and through!" (Elphaba)

The point? A person is what other people make them out to be. This is evident throughout the musical. The Animals, who have the ability to talk, lose the ability to talk simply because they are pressured and told from all sides that aren't to talk anymore. As the pressure increases, and speaking out is made illegal, the Animals slowly start to turn from Animals with the ability to speak into animals without. Elphaba, who always wanted to do good and to help those in need, has the label of "wicked" pasted to her, and so all of Oz thinks her wicked. Once all of her attempts to do good are thwarted by the assumption of her wickedness, she gives into her identity. The Wizard is probably the character who makes this point the most clear. He sings an entire song about how reality is really just what people think it is. For instance: "Elphaba, where I'm from, we believe all sorts of things that aren't true. We call it "history." A man's called a traitor... or a liberator. A rich man's a theif, or philanthropist. Is one a crusader? Or ruthless invader? It's all in which label is able to persist." It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But it's kind of true.

And I think people do tend to become what they are told they are. In the song "Sensitive" by Jewel, she says, "I have this theory that if we're told we're bad, then that's the only idea we'll ever have."

But we all have the ability to make our own choices, don't we? And we all have to be responsible for our own actions. But let's be honest - when people have the freedom to do what they want, they tend to imitate each other. People are influenced to no end by other people. While, yes, we have the physical ability to make our own choices, I think that we often lack the emotional ability to do so. If everyone is telling you that you are one thing - wicked, crazy, shallow, wonderful, fun - then you'll most like start to believe it. After all, there is nothing to prove them wrong. And if everyone agrees, then they must be right - right?

On the other hand, there were a few characters who were able to break out of their box. Glinda eventually, after losing her best friend and the love of her life, was able to overcome her pretty, perky, pitiful label to confront the Wizard and his cohorts and get them out of power. Fiyero realized that he wasn't as "genuinely selfish" or "deeply shallow" as he thought he was, and began to act on his care for other people and things.

So is a person made who they are by their natural character, or by the influence of other people on their character?

<3 o.

p.s. : There is something else that WICKED made me think of that I will write about later. It is a little more personal.

Let's Talk About Spaceships

or anything except you and me, okay? Okay.
- Say Hi To Your Mom

That is basically how I feel about this little situation I've someone been dragged into. Long story short: I have made a mistake. A really big mistake, and, no, I don't intend to share it. I won't even tell my best friend, so I see no reason to stick it on a public blog and risk anyone finding it.

So, moving on to the "spaceships" (that is to say, what we are going to talk about instead) ...

. . .

Problem. I don't have any spaceships. I have tried to write about multiple things here: fairy tales, Swan Lake, school, prom, music. Everything leads back to my problem: Han.

Han is a problem. I can't stand being away from him. But it's almost torture to be with him. Too much has happened and been happening for me to issue a full update. Let me think of a good way to put it.

Han and I had a relationship. It was a good relationship that we had built over time, and like anything that is built, it had a foundation. I don't know what exactly that foundation was, but I'll hazard a guess that it was a mixture of happiness, trust, and security. Well, over the last several weeks, the foundation seems to have started to crack. And continued to crack. Han would appear to want to maintain the relationship; however, he seems unwilling to fix the foundation. I suspect that he doesn't notice how damaged it is, or how necessary.

I could give you reasons and examples of how the foundation started it's cracking process, but I'll spare you. No, I'll spare myself. I don't even want to think about it, much less write about it. Do you know why? Because to write about it is to confirm it. It is to give the problem substance, an existence. Whereas, if it just stays in my brain, it could at some point vanish. That isn't the point. The point is this: Han has convinced me, multiple times, that we are over, done, finished, through. He has convinced me an equal number of times that we're destined, fated, and will be back together. So which do I believe?

Today he hugged me. In (semi) public. That is, on our way out of the classroom at school. At school! How long has it been since he showed an ounce of feeling for me at school? He also muttered that he loved me at school two or three times. And he drew a heart with a band-aid on it on my hand during class. Earlier tonight, I gave him a ride to the bowling alley, and on the way to the car, he had his arm around me and held me to him. He held me at his side. It felt so right!

In fact, there were only two discouraging things today: 1. Generally, when I go to pick Han up for school, he is still asleep. We usually have extra time, so I'll lay down on his bed and also go to sleep. And he always will eventually work his arms around me and pull me closer, or at least put an arm over or around me. We did this while we were dating, and we continued it after we broke up. Who knows why? Because we're idiots. Today, though, he didn't do that. I didn't even get to sleep because it bothered me so much that he didn't reach for me. 2. He's at the bowling alley and I have no way of contacting him. Okay, call me psycho. Keep in mind the last two times he went bowling: The one time, he hung up on me twice, as well as lied to his mom, to go bowling with Cheer (the girl who contributed largely, though not entirely intentionally, to our split and my great unhappiness - she was also played by Han nearly as much as I was in those weeks). The second time was at bowling practice, at which I will occasionally visit and watch, he insisted I leave and that he didn't like me watching (despite that we have bowled together before, and frequently), UNTIL everyone else had left - then he called my cell phone when I was on my way home, insisting he hadn't meant for me to GO and to come back, because everyone left. So, I'm really not thrilled about his being at the bowling alley without my being able to contact him.

Which is funny, because, you know, I really have no claim on him. Technically. And technically, he has no claim on me, either, but he is insanely possessive. If he so much suspects a guy is looking at me or interested in me, it's muttered threats and death glares. Don't you dare encroach on his unofficial territory. But, remember, little o., that don't you dare tell him what to do, because he is his own person! And he can do what he likes! And, by the way, when he's on the phone with you and he says that he "has to go," it really means that he's going to go, probably because he wants to. And don't protest - respect his wish to get off the phone. No matter how upset you are or how badly you need to talk with him. News Flash : I respect men who earn it, not demand it.

Don't consider him too big a jerk. He has not been so psycho of late. It's ironic, though, that he says we'll go back out once I'm happy again, since he hates it when I'm sad or I look sad - yet he is the main reason I am sad. I have never had any doubt before this that he was my prince - but a prince doesn't insist that the princess makes herself safe before he'll take her as his own. Most commonly, a prince will bring her to safety. Han used to do that. He's always hated to see me cry, but he used to do something about it. That is, he used to do something other than tell me to stop and sigh in an annoyed manner.

It's clear that he can't really handle me. Obviously, I stress him out, and he can't take care of me like he used to. And still he refuses to leave me alone. I've given him many an opportunity. I've told him to take the ring back. I've told him to just stay away because it will make his life so much easier. He simply won't do it.

I know that, up until now, I've made Han out to be a total monster. But he's not. It's said that you never know what you've got till it's gone, and I never knew the honesty of that statement. When we were going out, I tried to make a list of 101 things that I loved about Han. It took me a week or two to get 50 original reasons. Today, I started a list of things that I miss about him, and I got over 50 in less than a class period. And I have more in my head.

The truth is, I'm the monster. The harder I try to fix something, the worse it gets. The more I love a person, the worse I hurt them. Is there a person I've encountered that I haven't injured? Doubtful.

Sadly, there is no conclusion to this. So much for a spaceship. However, I suppose I have avoided confessing to my horrible mistake, although it was a narrow escape.

<3 o.

Already?

It's 2009. Congratulations, we have survived another year, only to take on a new one head-on.

It's times like these when I think, "Another year gone. Another year wasted." Because what have I accomplished this year? Nothing. I don't even remember last year's resolution, and I can tell you now that, whatever other goals I have set for myself throughout the year, have been abandoned and forgotten.

And to add to this feeling of doom-and-gloom, I am also facing the feeling of having lost two and a half years of my life with Han. Really wasted? It's hard to tell. Some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't. I believe that something good can come from everything that happens -- can. Not necessarily will. But I don't believe that everything happens for the sole purpose of that one thing that could happen as a result. Han still insists that we'll be back together, and soon. I've made it clear to him that he's going to have to work for it. Do I mean that? No. But does he know that? I hope not.

When Han and I first met, I had a very pessimistic, negative attitude towards men and love. I didn't want to date anyone. Ever. But especially that year -- that had been my New Year's Resolution that year. To stay single. Well, Han messed that one up. September of that year we were going out. I couldn't say no to him -- and I haven't been able to say no to him since.

That isn't saying it was easy for him to get me. I was not open to the idea of men at all, much less dating one, and he knew that. It took him a long time to befriend me, much less get up the nerve to ask me to do the one thing he knew I didn't really believe in -- to be with someone. When I say that Han has to work for it, I mean that I have a very similar attitude now. Men are cruel and manipulative and relationships always end badly. Han is going to have to start nearly completely over. He is going to have to work in order to regain trust and and access to love.

But I digress. I have gotten off-subject. In addition to all the confusion already in my life, we now have this: What is my resolution? Well, that depends on what I want, doesn't it? What do I want to be like? What do I want to do? What do I want? And I don't know. I don't know what I want.

I have wasted yet another year of my life. An entire year. And what can I do this year to ensure that I don't do it again? Little, I fear, other than to keep in mind that I don't want to waste it. And there -- I didn't have a resolution before, but I have found it now. I resolve to not waste my year. And how is that? After all, it is my philosophy, isn't it? The one I mentioned when I first started this blog? "Don't do nothing." So, I still don't know what I want to be like or what I want to do or anything else that I want. But I do know what I don't want. I don't want to waste another year of my life.

I could write more, but I am tired. Good night / morning, everyone. :] I hope that your New Year will be the beginning of something good.

<3 o.