I have to remind myself yet again that I am writing this blog for myself. I told Elsa about it because I didn't think I'd ever have anything that I wouldn't want to tell Elsa. But there are a few things that I haven't written about because I'd just rather she not know.
So, Elsa. I'm going to write about something I'd prefer you not know about it. And if you continue reading past this point anyway, I won't blame you. But these aren't really things I want you to know.
Now I'm going to insert this miniature paragraph so that she won't catch a glimpse of the confession and get even more curious than she already is. Alright that's enough, I can't think of anything else to type in this little distraction.
Confession One: AOK and I had sex.
I know. I know. I don't even know. I mean... it blows my mind that my brain has deteriorated this much. The worst part is, it was my fault. It was my idea. I don't know why I suggested it or why I did it. He didn't jump for it like some completely selfish jerk, although he didn't need much convincing either.
I don't know why I did it. Part of me is so angry and upset about it. AOK and I aren't strangers by any means, but we certainly aren't emotionally attached to do something like that. And this part of me is so confused, because she doesn't see a point in physical attachment without emotional attachment, too.
And then this other part of me doesn't regret it. Firstly, I think it makes what Han did seem less important. Kind of like saying, "See? It's no big deal. People do this kind of thing." Which isn't really true. But also, it's almost like this part of me knows that it's damaging, and is glad. I don't understand that. But whenever Alice thinks, "Why do that? It's going to be painful later. It's going to be bad," then Judith thinks, "Exactly."
And I know that AOK regrets it. Well, he says he doesn't regret it. But he says he shouldn't have done that and we won't do it again. He doesn't care what we do as long as we don't have sex.
Confession Two: I started cutting myself.
What the freaking crap? I think I've spoken before on how I feel about self-mutilation. I hate the idea. I've been so determined for so long to never, ever hurt myself like that.
So what drove me to this? I have no idea. I can't even remember why I did it the first time, which was a few weeks ago. It was just a few scratches. I was frustrated and lonely and confused, and I guess I thought I deserved it.
After that, I would let them heal, but once they weren't red anymore, I got restless. It bothered me when my wrists were normal. I felt like there should be cuts or scratches there. So every time they were nearly healed, I'd do it again.
Well, AOK found out. I went to his house one day, and I was carrying a watch to keep track of the time. While we were talking, he took my watch and started to put it on my arm, and pulled my sleeve back to do it. He wasn't happy. He kept rubbing my wrists with his thumbs and saying, "Damn, girl." He made me promise to stop.
I did it once after that. And the morning after I broke the promise to him, I was so upset with myself. My skin was burning and I felt absolutely horrible for causing myself injury and for breaking that promise. I went to AOK's house before school in near-tears. I told him I wouldn't come see him anymore and I wouldn't talk to him and that he needed to stay away from me. I asked him if he could really care about someone who could break that kind of promise. I asked if he really wanted to watch someone he cared about tear herself apart like that.
He told me that I had better not stop being his friend like I said that I was going to. I told him that it was what would be best for him. "Don't make my decisions for me. I'll decide what's best for me, and right now, I'm deciding it's for you to see me. If I change my mind, I'll let you know. If this is a mistake, it's the best one I've ever made," is what he said.
Mom, Dad, and my psychologist all know. And maybe my psychiatrist. I think Mom and Dad talked to my psychiatrist. Mom and Dad also know that AOK is the only friend of mine who knows and who I'm comfortable knowing. This doesn't matter much to them, but my psychologist and psychiatrist think that Mom and Dad both need to back off and let me make my decisions where AOK is concerned instead of banning me from seeing him.
But honestly. I'm freaking out. I mean I'm really freaking out. In the past couple of weeks, I've done two things that I promised myself and others that I would never do, and part of me still wants to do them. A big part of me. I'm really, really confused.
<3 o.
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
We Interrupt This Program For An Emergency
FREAK OUT.
I am in a panic.
And unless you have some helpful medical knowledge, maybe you shouldn't read this.
A few days ago, one of my breasts started getting really sore in a particular area. I figured that since I was not too far from my period, it was probably just tenderness due to that. When it got sorer, I thought that maybe I'd bruised it when I was wrestling / tickle-fighting with Han a few days ago. In the shower last night, though, I realized that a spot right about my nipple was red, and also that right around that red area, it also felt kind of stiff. And it was hurting a lot. Before, it only hurt when it got bumped or touched, but now it hurts most of the time.
Doing my research, I thought it was a "breast lump," which are usually signs of a cyst or cancer. You are supposed to see a doctor if it doesn't disappear after your next menstrual cycle, so I was going to wait a week or two before I saw a doctor. I don't know what the "lump" is supposed to be if it disappears after your period, but I don't think it really matters because "lumps" aren't usually visible and they are usually painless.
Other signs of cancer are soreness and a change in skin, like redness, cracking, dimpling, etc. However, I think it could also be a "breast infection," which generally occurs near the nipple, and is red and sore. The drawing they have on medical sites shows a breast that is much redder than mine, but there are only a few photos that I've been able to find, and their redness doesn't look as wide-spread.
So I'm leaning towards infection. The NEXT problem is, however, that these infections most commonly occur in women who are breastfeeding, and I most definitely am not. Apparently, getting this infection when you aren't can be a sign of breast cancer.
I'm not convinced I have cancer, no. But another thing: The breast that has this red soreness also occasionally has an inverted nipple. Well, apparently 2% of the women in America have at least one inverted nipple, and they aren't dangerous or anything, but for some reason they are in some way associated with breast cancer. That is, as I understand it, if your nipple starts to be inverted when it wasn't before, then that could be a sign of breast cancer. Now, my nipple doesn't do it all the time, and I don't know how long it's been like this. I only noticed it in the last year or two, but that doesn't mean much. And an inverted nipple is not a sure-fire sign of cancer.
However, the soreness, redness of skin, inverted nipple, and unlikeliness of the infection when not breastfeeding are enough to make me worry.
So the problem is: What do I do? Do I wait until after my period to see if it goes away? Do I go see a doctor immediately? I don't want to go to my doctor. For one thing, I don't trust him thoroughly, and for another thing, he's a male. So if/when I go to the doctor, I'd rather go to a female doctor, and that means finding one. Do I do this on my own? Do I talk to my mom? This is really embarassing, awkward and personal, and my mom and I aren't that close, but I may need her help with insurance, and I don't know if I'll know how to find an intelligent female doctor on my own. And then there's always the possibility, faint thought it may seem, that I won't need a doctor. But is that really realistic?
I've always thought really hard about my emotional, mental, and spiritual health. When I have problems, I always think about how they might be attributed to problems in one of those areas. I've never considered my physical health so seriously, aside from my migraines. And now that I've started seriously looking at my physical health, I wonder how much effect a serious physical problem might have on my mental/emotional state, or how it might effect my behavior.
I really don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk to Mom or see a doctor, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I'm also really worried that it will be cancerous.
. . .
UUUUUUUUUUUUURGH. ><
<3 o.
I am in a panic.
And unless you have some helpful medical knowledge, maybe you shouldn't read this.
A few days ago, one of my breasts started getting really sore in a particular area. I figured that since I was not too far from my period, it was probably just tenderness due to that. When it got sorer, I thought that maybe I'd bruised it when I was wrestling / tickle-fighting with Han a few days ago. In the shower last night, though, I realized that a spot right about my nipple was red, and also that right around that red area, it also felt kind of stiff. And it was hurting a lot. Before, it only hurt when it got bumped or touched, but now it hurts most of the time.
Doing my research, I thought it was a "breast lump," which are usually signs of a cyst or cancer. You are supposed to see a doctor if it doesn't disappear after your next menstrual cycle, so I was going to wait a week or two before I saw a doctor. I don't know what the "lump" is supposed to be if it disappears after your period, but I don't think it really matters because "lumps" aren't usually visible and they are usually painless.
Other signs of cancer are soreness and a change in skin, like redness, cracking, dimpling, etc. However, I think it could also be a "breast infection," which generally occurs near the nipple, and is red and sore. The drawing they have on medical sites shows a breast that is much redder than mine, but there are only a few photos that I've been able to find, and their redness doesn't look as wide-spread.
So I'm leaning towards infection. The NEXT problem is, however, that these infections most commonly occur in women who are breastfeeding, and I most definitely am not. Apparently, getting this infection when you aren't can be a sign of breast cancer.
I'm not convinced I have cancer, no. But another thing: The breast that has this red soreness also occasionally has an inverted nipple. Well, apparently 2% of the women in America have at least one inverted nipple, and they aren't dangerous or anything, but for some reason they are in some way associated with breast cancer. That is, as I understand it, if your nipple starts to be inverted when it wasn't before, then that could be a sign of breast cancer. Now, my nipple doesn't do it all the time, and I don't know how long it's been like this. I only noticed it in the last year or two, but that doesn't mean much. And an inverted nipple is not a sure-fire sign of cancer.
However, the soreness, redness of skin, inverted nipple, and unlikeliness of the infection when not breastfeeding are enough to make me worry.
So the problem is: What do I do? Do I wait until after my period to see if it goes away? Do I go see a doctor immediately? I don't want to go to my doctor. For one thing, I don't trust him thoroughly, and for another thing, he's a male. So if/when I go to the doctor, I'd rather go to a female doctor, and that means finding one. Do I do this on my own? Do I talk to my mom? This is really embarassing, awkward and personal, and my mom and I aren't that close, but I may need her help with insurance, and I don't know if I'll know how to find an intelligent female doctor on my own. And then there's always the possibility, faint thought it may seem, that I won't need a doctor. But is that really realistic?
I've always thought really hard about my emotional, mental, and spiritual health. When I have problems, I always think about how they might be attributed to problems in one of those areas. I've never considered my physical health so seriously, aside from my migraines. And now that I've started seriously looking at my physical health, I wonder how much effect a serious physical problem might have on my mental/emotional state, or how it might effect my behavior.
I really don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk to Mom or see a doctor, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I'm also really worried that it will be cancerous.
. . .
UUUUUUUUUUUUURGH. ><
<3 o.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
One of the Worst Friday Nights Ever. No, Really.
Exhibit A: When I went to Disneyworld, I spent a couple of days in Epcot. On the first day, I was heading back to our cabin/rooms to put something up and rest, because I hadn't slept well the night before. On my way towards the park exit, I saw a woman sitting by herself on a wall next to a garden. She had her head in hands, and I saw a few tears hitting the ground. In my opinion, no one should cry at Disneyworld, and I was almost certain that someone somewhere deserved to be punished for making her cry, but that wasn't my focus. I hung around that area for probably ten minutes trying to decide if I should do anything, or what I could do if I decided to. I eventually did ask her if she would be okay and if I could help her in any way. I will always wonder what happened to her. I wish I had been able to help her.
Exhibit B: Haleigh loves animals. She loves them so, so much. Not long ago, one our cats had caught a butterfly by the wings. Haleigh loves our cats, but she doesn't like to see anything in pain. She retrieved the butterfly from the cat's mouth as carefully as possible so as not to hurt it. I had huge holes in its wings from the cat's teeth, and I don't think it could ever possibly fly again, but Haleigh put it in some flowers out of the cat's reach anyway. She doesn't like to see any animal in pain. She is the main caretaker of our cats. She plays with them, feeds them, knows all their personalities and the differences between cats that seem otherwise identical. The only thing she won't do is give them medicine, because if they fight it or meow, she gets very upset and afraid that she will hurt them.
Exhibit C: I will not go into the nitty-gritty details, but I have an uncle who used to (and may still) grow, use, and deal illegal drugs. He sold these to my cousin, the son of a different uncle of mine, and he would get high in the basement while leaving his elementary-aged daughters upstairs by themselves. He's not a good person. He refuses to work, and so does his wife. He is thirty-some years old, and his entire life, my grandparents have payed for his food, clothing, water, electricity, taxes, housing, everything. He doesn't have his own money. He spends it on other drugs.
Exhibit D: Tonight was a Friday night. On most Friday nights, I go out with Han, because we don't see each other too much during the school days. Tonight, however, my parents went to help Emily with her house, and they were spending the night there. They asked me to stay home with my two younger sisters, Haleigh and Annalisa. I don't know if I have ever used a fake name for them before, but this is what I'm calling them now. They said I could go out Saturday night, so I said that was fine. I decided I could write a little, I could draw a little, get my room clean, relax... just take everything easy. It was going to be a good night.
But it was not to be. Because I get jumpy alone at night sometimes, Mom and Dad had Grandma and Grandpa come in and check on us, which is fine. But then, my cousin, the young daughter of my bum uncle, called my grandpa. My grandparents recently acquired a kitten, and she wanted it. Hers was sick, and her parents didn't have the money to take it to the vet. Grandma asked if she could have one of ours instead. She asked Haleigh this. Haleigh knows that their house is not a good place for a cat. We have kittens to spare, but we want them all to go to good homes, and Haleigh wants that more than any of us. In Exhibit C, I think I clarified that this does NOT qualify as a good home. So this was very, very awkward for her--she said she'd ask Mom and Dad and she came up to me to ask me what to do and see if she could call them. I could tell she was upset. She didn't want to tell Grandma and Grandpa, "No, we don't trust them to take good care of our cats, and we only give them to good homes," but there was no way she'd ever be able to let a kitten go to a home that would be unable to take care of it.
I call Mom and Dad, because I can tell she is too upset to do anything. I talk to them a little bit, told them that even though they don't mistreat their animals, they can't take care of them if they get sick or hurt, and pointed out that they have a habit of own multiple large, violent dogs at a time. They said that if we were really uncomfortable with letting them have a kitten, that was okay. Grandma eventually decided Zora could have her kitten.
Now, Haleigh was still kind of shaken from the stress of having to say "No" to Grandma, but she also felt bad--Grandma doesn't like animals very often, and she felt awful that Grandma was going to give her kitten up, and she also didn't like the idea of any kitten living there... Recall Exhibit B. Haleigh loves all animals, anything that is alive. She hates for them to be in pain.
After Grandma left, I tried to calm Haleigh down. She was upset about the kitten and felt guilty about Grandma giving hers away. She was doing okay. Her voice was a little shaky, and her eyes were moist, but she was doing okay. I suggested that she call Mom and Dad and give them an update, and told her that they would probably be able to help her feel better. So she did.
Ten minutes later, I walk into her room, and she is on the phone with Dad, in tears. And I am about to explode. Not only do I hate to see people cry, especially my little sisters, but I have spent over an hour trying to keep her calm, reassuring her that the kitten will probably be okay, and here she is, talking to Dad, whom we had relied upon to make things better, and it feels like all my efforts to calm her down have been wasted. Because now she is in tears. I felt so let down and betrayed--my parents are always saying to come to them with their problems, and here, we had, and things had only gotten worse.
So I probably over-reacted. That part doesn't matter that much. I got into it a little bit with Mom and Dad, but we smoothed it over.
But I cried. And Haleigh and Annalisa saw me. And I hated it. I can cry, surely. I can cry by myself, no problem. I can cry with my friends around. I can cry in front of my parents without too much problem. But crying in front of my little sisters--they're relying on me to be in charge, to be calm, to be able to handle whatever problem comes up. When I cried, I was not showing that I was going to be able to handle problems.
And Annalisa, who is ten, didn't know what to do. Both her older sisters were crying. I could tell she was confused. She just walked back and forth between our rooms, never looking at us, but obviously focusing on us. Now I will refer to Exhibit A, because she looked just how I felt when I was watching the lady crying in the park. Just wanting to do something, trying to think of something, not sure if she will be able to help. I felt so bad, and I felt like I had let her down. I know I always felt helpless and confused if I saw Emily cry... how must Annalisa have felt when she saw both of her older sisters crying?
So I felt let down by my parents, I felt stressed by Haleigh's distress, I felt as if I had let down my little sisters by crying when I should have been being an adult, and I feel disappointed in myself for not getting anything done. I also feel guilty that Grandma is giving away her kitten, and guilty that I got so angry at Dad when he wasn't being that mean. (At least, not as mean as he normally is.) There was not a single good emotion this entire night.
All in all, I would say this Friday night was a complete disappointment. Someone somewhere owes me a new Friday, I'm pretty sure.
<3 o.
Exhibit B: Haleigh loves animals. She loves them so, so much. Not long ago, one our cats had caught a butterfly by the wings. Haleigh loves our cats, but she doesn't like to see anything in pain. She retrieved the butterfly from the cat's mouth as carefully as possible so as not to hurt it. I had huge holes in its wings from the cat's teeth, and I don't think it could ever possibly fly again, but Haleigh put it in some flowers out of the cat's reach anyway. She doesn't like to see any animal in pain. She is the main caretaker of our cats. She plays with them, feeds them, knows all their personalities and the differences between cats that seem otherwise identical. The only thing she won't do is give them medicine, because if they fight it or meow, she gets very upset and afraid that she will hurt them.
Exhibit C: I will not go into the nitty-gritty details, but I have an uncle who used to (and may still) grow, use, and deal illegal drugs. He sold these to my cousin, the son of a different uncle of mine, and he would get high in the basement while leaving his elementary-aged daughters upstairs by themselves. He's not a good person. He refuses to work, and so does his wife. He is thirty-some years old, and his entire life, my grandparents have payed for his food, clothing, water, electricity, taxes, housing, everything. He doesn't have his own money. He spends it on other drugs.
Exhibit D: Tonight was a Friday night. On most Friday nights, I go out with Han, because we don't see each other too much during the school days. Tonight, however, my parents went to help Emily with her house, and they were spending the night there. They asked me to stay home with my two younger sisters, Haleigh and Annalisa. I don't know if I have ever used a fake name for them before, but this is what I'm calling them now. They said I could go out Saturday night, so I said that was fine. I decided I could write a little, I could draw a little, get my room clean, relax... just take everything easy. It was going to be a good night.
But it was not to be. Because I get jumpy alone at night sometimes, Mom and Dad had Grandma and Grandpa come in and check on us, which is fine. But then, my cousin, the young daughter of my bum uncle, called my grandpa. My grandparents recently acquired a kitten, and she wanted it. Hers was sick, and her parents didn't have the money to take it to the vet. Grandma asked if she could have one of ours instead. She asked Haleigh this. Haleigh knows that their house is not a good place for a cat. We have kittens to spare, but we want them all to go to good homes, and Haleigh wants that more than any of us. In Exhibit C, I think I clarified that this does NOT qualify as a good home. So this was very, very awkward for her--she said she'd ask Mom and Dad and she came up to me to ask me what to do and see if she could call them. I could tell she was upset. She didn't want to tell Grandma and Grandpa, "No, we don't trust them to take good care of our cats, and we only give them to good homes," but there was no way she'd ever be able to let a kitten go to a home that would be unable to take care of it.
I call Mom and Dad, because I can tell she is too upset to do anything. I talk to them a little bit, told them that even though they don't mistreat their animals, they can't take care of them if they get sick or hurt, and pointed out that they have a habit of own multiple large, violent dogs at a time. They said that if we were really uncomfortable with letting them have a kitten, that was okay. Grandma eventually decided Zora could have her kitten.
Now, Haleigh was still kind of shaken from the stress of having to say "No" to Grandma, but she also felt bad--Grandma doesn't like animals very often, and she felt awful that Grandma was going to give her kitten up, and she also didn't like the idea of any kitten living there... Recall Exhibit B. Haleigh loves all animals, anything that is alive. She hates for them to be in pain.
After Grandma left, I tried to calm Haleigh down. She was upset about the kitten and felt guilty about Grandma giving hers away. She was doing okay. Her voice was a little shaky, and her eyes were moist, but she was doing okay. I suggested that she call Mom and Dad and give them an update, and told her that they would probably be able to help her feel better. So she did.
Ten minutes later, I walk into her room, and she is on the phone with Dad, in tears. And I am about to explode. Not only do I hate to see people cry, especially my little sisters, but I have spent over an hour trying to keep her calm, reassuring her that the kitten will probably be okay, and here she is, talking to Dad, whom we had relied upon to make things better, and it feels like all my efforts to calm her down have been wasted. Because now she is in tears. I felt so let down and betrayed--my parents are always saying to come to them with their problems, and here, we had, and things had only gotten worse.
So I probably over-reacted. That part doesn't matter that much. I got into it a little bit with Mom and Dad, but we smoothed it over.
But I cried. And Haleigh and Annalisa saw me. And I hated it. I can cry, surely. I can cry by myself, no problem. I can cry with my friends around. I can cry in front of my parents without too much problem. But crying in front of my little sisters--they're relying on me to be in charge, to be calm, to be able to handle whatever problem comes up. When I cried, I was not showing that I was going to be able to handle problems.
And Annalisa, who is ten, didn't know what to do. Both her older sisters were crying. I could tell she was confused. She just walked back and forth between our rooms, never looking at us, but obviously focusing on us. Now I will refer to Exhibit A, because she looked just how I felt when I was watching the lady crying in the park. Just wanting to do something, trying to think of something, not sure if she will be able to help. I felt so bad, and I felt like I had let her down. I know I always felt helpless and confused if I saw Emily cry... how must Annalisa have felt when she saw both of her older sisters crying?
So I felt let down by my parents, I felt stressed by Haleigh's distress, I felt as if I had let down my little sisters by crying when I should have been being an adult, and I feel disappointed in myself for not getting anything done. I also feel guilty that Grandma is giving away her kitten, and guilty that I got so angry at Dad when he wasn't being that mean. (At least, not as mean as he normally is.) There was not a single good emotion this entire night.
All in all, I would say this Friday night was a complete disappointment. Someone somewhere owes me a new Friday, I'm pretty sure.
<3 o.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Can You Feel The Love Tonight? Oh Wait... No.
It may very well be that nothing I am about ready to type will be worth reading, but Han is sick and Elsa has someone else over, and besides that, talking on the phone may result in being overheard, which would only result in wasted tears, sore throats, and mass chaos.
Dad is driving me freaking nuts. Seriously, he won't shut up. Ever since we got back from vacation, everything is negativity, negativity, negativity. And yeah, okay, I bet I provoked him some, but how can I help myself when he's acting like such a jerk? Only a couple of months ago he was saying that Clara (the bunny) wasn't being played with enough and that I needed to play with her more, and now he wants to put her in the garage? Why doesn't he just skin her and put in a pie? If we put her out there, it's a recipe for sickness and/or death. Bugs and cats get in there and it gets too cold during autumn and winter for her to not freeze to death. And it's not just that, it's everything he's said lately.
He's renovating my two younger sisters' rooms because they haven't been redone since we moved into this house, which is reasonable. I had mine redone a few years ago for my birthday. In addition, Dad's friend's father died a while ago and he left some furniture to my family. Now, in speaking of redoing the two bedrooms, Dad kept talking about "being fair to all three children", but he wants to not only completely re-paint and re-curtain and re-whatever their rooms, he wants to give one of them the furniture, too, which wouldn't be that big a deal except that I love the furniture, and how is that even "fair to all three children"? Okay, I had my room re-painted and everything a few years ago too... but as a birthday present. They are getting theirs redone just... so they can have theirs redone. But somehow, me wanting the old furniture that means nothing to anyone else is such a selfish thing that I deserve to be yelled at and chided for about an hour. I don't get that. I just don't get that. And THEN they said, "Well if you get the furniture, you have to give one of the other girls your room." What? Does someone need to review the definition of fair? Because I really don't see the fairness in that... or how putting my rabbit in the garage or the basement could even possibly be a good idea.
Call me crazy, but I am finding it very hard to believe that either of my parents care about me half as much as any of my sisters. I guess that of the four of us, I would be the "troublemaker", probably the more smart-alecky, rebellious one... but if they didn't bait me so much or completely ignore how I felt, maybe I wouldn't be so angry at them. It's like neither one of them care at all about all the effort I put into school to keep them happy or how admirable it is that I take initiative to do things like church and cleaning on my own (more church than cleaning I guess), and I don't think either of them acknowledge how hard it is for me to sometimes resist such common things as foul language, alcohol, or casual sexual...whatever.
Dad said that the older of my younger sisters deserved the furniture more because she has such low self esteem and not very many friends and it would really help her feel special and all I could think was, "Does this guy really think I have good self esteem? Has he not noticed that aside from Han, I have about 1 and a half friends?" It feels like my feelings are hardly taken into account, if they are at all. Is it any curiousity that I get snappy during conversations like that? Dad really likes the phrase, "I'm the parent, I'm in charge."
Well I'm the incredibly sensitive, distraught, somewhat emotionally-neglected daughter, so it'd be really appreciated if he'd shut up for like thirty seconds and take into consideration that I really am old enough to move out when I want. How seriously I would consider doing that would depend on any job that I get and how stressful school is once it starts. But let's look at it this way: If I move out, they will not help pay for college. However, I don't plan on going to an expensive college, and they weren't going to pay for all of it, probably only about four thousand a year. Which is a lot, but with the right job, I could pull it off. And even if I couldn't work enough during high school to pay rent at an apartment, as well as for food, Clara, and a car, which I guess it's pretty likely I couldn't, Han's family likes me and they have an extra bed. That would tick off Mom and Dad, but hey, if I'm not living with them and they aren't helping with college anyway, I really don't care. I could sleep in their spare room, pay for my own food and for Clara, and Han and I could both make insurance payments on the blue car. Sounds like a plan to me. More than likely a plan that I will never execute... but let's wait until I get a steady job to decide for sure.
I guess I've talked mostly about Dad so far. Mom hasn't really done anything except that she doesn't really seem to care how any of this makes me feel and she's not being all that objective. She always gets really angry if I say anything against Dad. Love is blind, I guess. I'm less angry at Mom than at Dad, for sure. If I accuse Mom of being uncaring, she is hurt, and I feel bad, because I know I was wrong. If I accuse Dad of not caring, he just gets angry... which pretty much just tells me that I was right. Still, back to Mom, I'm all about that phrase that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, and if Mom's not going to try to help me at all, then she's only making it worse.
I'd really like to just not leave my room all day tomorrow. Maybe I'll take some cereal and a pitcher of water upstairs tonight and lock my door tomorrow morning.
Except I really like using the computer.
I am just so angry right now. Like I said, probably this was not worth taking the time to read, but I was really more considered with keeping my brain between my ears than entertaining anyone.
I wish Han wasn't sick. I also wish that I cared about my parents as much as they seem to care about me. That is to say, hardly at all at the time being. Then I wouldn't feel bad about moving out. I really don't want to be here. At all. I wish I had a friend's house that I could just go to whenever I was having a bad time at home, but, oh wait... I don't. And besides that, I don't have a car. Emily got a car when she turned 16... but when I turned 16, Mom and Dad bought a new car... for them.
Mom and Dad are good people. But I am really just not feeling the fairness or the love right now.
<\3 o.
Dad is driving me freaking nuts. Seriously, he won't shut up. Ever since we got back from vacation, everything is negativity, negativity, negativity. And yeah, okay, I bet I provoked him some, but how can I help myself when he's acting like such a jerk? Only a couple of months ago he was saying that Clara (the bunny) wasn't being played with enough and that I needed to play with her more, and now he wants to put her in the garage? Why doesn't he just skin her and put in a pie? If we put her out there, it's a recipe for sickness and/or death. Bugs and cats get in there and it gets too cold during autumn and winter for her to not freeze to death. And it's not just that, it's everything he's said lately.
He's renovating my two younger sisters' rooms because they haven't been redone since we moved into this house, which is reasonable. I had mine redone a few years ago for my birthday. In addition, Dad's friend's father died a while ago and he left some furniture to my family. Now, in speaking of redoing the two bedrooms, Dad kept talking about "being fair to all three children", but he wants to not only completely re-paint and re-curtain and re-whatever their rooms, he wants to give one of them the furniture, too, which wouldn't be that big a deal except that I love the furniture, and how is that even "fair to all three children"? Okay, I had my room re-painted and everything a few years ago too... but as a birthday present. They are getting theirs redone just... so they can have theirs redone. But somehow, me wanting the old furniture that means nothing to anyone else is such a selfish thing that I deserve to be yelled at and chided for about an hour. I don't get that. I just don't get that. And THEN they said, "Well if you get the furniture, you have to give one of the other girls your room." What? Does someone need to review the definition of fair? Because I really don't see the fairness in that... or how putting my rabbit in the garage or the basement could even possibly be a good idea.
Call me crazy, but I am finding it very hard to believe that either of my parents care about me half as much as any of my sisters. I guess that of the four of us, I would be the "troublemaker", probably the more smart-alecky, rebellious one... but if they didn't bait me so much or completely ignore how I felt, maybe I wouldn't be so angry at them. It's like neither one of them care at all about all the effort I put into school to keep them happy or how admirable it is that I take initiative to do things like church and cleaning on my own (more church than cleaning I guess), and I don't think either of them acknowledge how hard it is for me to sometimes resist such common things as foul language, alcohol, or casual sexual...whatever.
Dad said that the older of my younger sisters deserved the furniture more because she has such low self esteem and not very many friends and it would really help her feel special and all I could think was, "Does this guy really think I have good self esteem? Has he not noticed that aside from Han, I have about 1 and a half friends?" It feels like my feelings are hardly taken into account, if they are at all. Is it any curiousity that I get snappy during conversations like that? Dad really likes the phrase, "I'm the parent, I'm in charge."
Well I'm the incredibly sensitive, distraught, somewhat emotionally-neglected daughter, so it'd be really appreciated if he'd shut up for like thirty seconds and take into consideration that I really am old enough to move out when I want. How seriously I would consider doing that would depend on any job that I get and how stressful school is once it starts. But let's look at it this way: If I move out, they will not help pay for college. However, I don't plan on going to an expensive college, and they weren't going to pay for all of it, probably only about four thousand a year. Which is a lot, but with the right job, I could pull it off. And even if I couldn't work enough during high school to pay rent at an apartment, as well as for food, Clara, and a car, which I guess it's pretty likely I couldn't, Han's family likes me and they have an extra bed. That would tick off Mom and Dad, but hey, if I'm not living with them and they aren't helping with college anyway, I really don't care. I could sleep in their spare room, pay for my own food and for Clara, and Han and I could both make insurance payments on the blue car. Sounds like a plan to me. More than likely a plan that I will never execute... but let's wait until I get a steady job to decide for sure.
I guess I've talked mostly about Dad so far. Mom hasn't really done anything except that she doesn't really seem to care how any of this makes me feel and she's not being all that objective. She always gets really angry if I say anything against Dad. Love is blind, I guess. I'm less angry at Mom than at Dad, for sure. If I accuse Mom of being uncaring, she is hurt, and I feel bad, because I know I was wrong. If I accuse Dad of not caring, he just gets angry... which pretty much just tells me that I was right. Still, back to Mom, I'm all about that phrase that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, and if Mom's not going to try to help me at all, then she's only making it worse.
I'd really like to just not leave my room all day tomorrow. Maybe I'll take some cereal and a pitcher of water upstairs tonight and lock my door tomorrow morning.
Except I really like using the computer.
I am just so angry right now. Like I said, probably this was not worth taking the time to read, but I was really more considered with keeping my brain between my ears than entertaining anyone.
I wish Han wasn't sick. I also wish that I cared about my parents as much as they seem to care about me. That is to say, hardly at all at the time being. Then I wouldn't feel bad about moving out. I really don't want to be here. At all. I wish I had a friend's house that I could just go to whenever I was having a bad time at home, but, oh wait... I don't. And besides that, I don't have a car. Emily got a car when she turned 16... but when I turned 16, Mom and Dad bought a new car... for them.
Mom and Dad are good people. But I am really just not feeling the fairness or the love right now.
<\3 o.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Happy Mother's Day
Today, I sat in Chemistry class, ignoring the assignment I should have been doing, and I overheard a conversation between two classmates, Pepper and Kay. Pepper's mother died in a car wreck recently, over spring break, and they were having a conversation about Kay's mom. One comment Kay made was, "My mom needs to be shot in the head." Pepper proceeded to, surprisingly calmly, tell her to enjoy arguing while she could, because she had no idea how much she'd miss fighting with her mom when she can't. Kay continued complaining about her mother, and all I wanted to do was turn around and say, "I think that was a polite way of telling you to consider yourself lucky that you have a mom and shut up."
I love my mom very, very much. We are alike in so many ways, and yet very different.
My mom is so beautiful. She is about 45, but she looks so much younger than any of my friends' moms, and some of them are still in their 30s.
I remember that one time I told her that she was a bad mother. I told her that every time I was mad at her for weeks, and then I saw her cry. I felt so horrible, and I started thinking about how I would feel if I worked as hard as my mother does and did all the nice things my mom does, and made Halloween costumes for all of my children every year and was an expert cinnamon toast maker, and my daughter told me that I was a bad mother.
I will never say another hurtful thing to my mother again.
She has done a phenomenal job of raising her daughters. I have seen girls come into the world warped. Girls are easily spoiled, give away their bodies without much thought, reject men altogether, are unconfident and easily hurt, or use every opportunity to hurt whoever they can. Neither my siblings nor I do that. Better yet, none of us were cheerleaders. (No offense to any cheerleaders or ex-cheerleaders out there, but around here, cheerleading is a bad, bad thing for one's moral capacity.)
My mom will never read this, but:
I love you, Mom! Thank you for being awesome in oh-so-many ways!
<3 o.
I love my mom very, very much. We are alike in so many ways, and yet very different.
My mom is so beautiful. She is about 45, but she looks so much younger than any of my friends' moms, and some of them are still in their 30s.
I remember that one time I told her that she was a bad mother. I told her that every time I was mad at her for weeks, and then I saw her cry. I felt so horrible, and I started thinking about how I would feel if I worked as hard as my mother does and did all the nice things my mom does, and made Halloween costumes for all of my children every year and was an expert cinnamon toast maker, and my daughter told me that I was a bad mother.
I will never say another hurtful thing to my mother again.
She has done a phenomenal job of raising her daughters. I have seen girls come into the world warped. Girls are easily spoiled, give away their bodies without much thought, reject men altogether, are unconfident and easily hurt, or use every opportunity to hurt whoever they can. Neither my siblings nor I do that. Better yet, none of us were cheerleaders. (No offense to any cheerleaders or ex-cheerleaders out there, but around here, cheerleading is a bad, bad thing for one's moral capacity.)
My mom will never read this, but:
I love you, Mom! Thank you for being awesome in oh-so-many ways!
<3 o.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
