But I have a relatively good reason for about two weeks of my absence: I was in an inpatient unit for overdosing on Toredol. Here's the scoop:
I had a good day. I went shopping with my little sister, we bought some hair accessories and the first season of Pushing Daisies (more on Pushing Daisies later), and then we were going to go see the play at my high school together. We were taking my friend Brain with me. So we were on our way. We got there. I was feeling a little antsy because I wasn't sure if I really wanted to go to the play, but it was too late.
So then we got in there and I saw Han. I despise Han. With every fiber in my being. You of all people should know that.
And I got shaky and my mind wouldn't go straight. I didn't like it. I left, telling my sister and friend I'd be back. Well, I didn't come back. I sent nasty, awful, hateful texts to AOK, and I cried, and I went to the cemetery and cut up my side pretty bad.
I went back to the school, thinking I'd be okay. But Han was sitting in the row right by the door and I saw him and went outside again. I texted another friend, telling her that I needed to see her right away, but she didn't get it; her phone was off. So I went to my car, feeling hurt and angry for no real reason. I felt VERY guilty for having cut my side.
And I thought, "Toredol." I don't know why. So I took a few. Then a few more. Then a few more. I texted AOK telling him what I just did, half with the intention of getting help and half with the intention of getting back at him for I-Don't-Know-What. Well, my friend called me back soon, and I told her what happened and she took me to Mom.
In the E.R., I felt even worse. I had to drink a bottle of charcoal - worst thing ever to drink, I swear. Mom looked so stressed and Dad looked a forced kind of passive. I had to wonder if he was thinking about his sister's suicide attempts from when they were younger. The doctor didn't believe a word I said about there not having been a cause. Honestly, the doctor was a moron.
So I went to a "Behavior Health Unit" for a few days. It wasn't horrible. I'll tell you, the worst part was having no pencil in my room! We had to be in our rooms at 10 every night, and I couldn't have a pencil with me because I was self-destructive.
The nut house is full of interesting people. It really is. And did you know that there was not a single puzzle there without missing pieces?
Well, I got to leave. And I was so happy about that. But life isn't back to normal yet. I was watching Pushing Daisies with my same little sister recently, and had to leave to do something. When I was late, she called me several times, saying she wanted me to come home, she wanted me to come home. I felt so bad. I got home as soon as I could.
Not to mention the whole school knows a completely altered version of the real events. Han has been telling people that I did it because he wouldn't go back out with me, the little rodent. As if I'd want to. Does anyone here see any reason for me to date that frog? Well, if you do, tough luck, because I disagree!
There are more updates to come, I promise. I just need to get back on the wagon here.
I'm sorry, and I love you.
<3>
Showing posts with label Han. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Han. Show all posts
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
True Confessions
I have to remind myself yet again that I am writing this blog for myself. I told Elsa about it because I didn't think I'd ever have anything that I wouldn't want to tell Elsa. But there are a few things that I haven't written about because I'd just rather she not know.
So, Elsa. I'm going to write about something I'd prefer you not know about it. And if you continue reading past this point anyway, I won't blame you. But these aren't really things I want you to know.
Now I'm going to insert this miniature paragraph so that she won't catch a glimpse of the confession and get even more curious than she already is. Alright that's enough, I can't think of anything else to type in this little distraction.
Confession One: AOK and I had sex.
I know. I know. I don't even know. I mean... it blows my mind that my brain has deteriorated this much. The worst part is, it was my fault. It was my idea. I don't know why I suggested it or why I did it. He didn't jump for it like some completely selfish jerk, although he didn't need much convincing either.
I don't know why I did it. Part of me is so angry and upset about it. AOK and I aren't strangers by any means, but we certainly aren't emotionally attached to do something like that. And this part of me is so confused, because she doesn't see a point in physical attachment without emotional attachment, too.
And then this other part of me doesn't regret it. Firstly, I think it makes what Han did seem less important. Kind of like saying, "See? It's no big deal. People do this kind of thing." Which isn't really true. But also, it's almost like this part of me knows that it's damaging, and is glad. I don't understand that. But whenever Alice thinks, "Why do that? It's going to be painful later. It's going to be bad," then Judith thinks, "Exactly."
And I know that AOK regrets it. Well, he says he doesn't regret it. But he says he shouldn't have done that and we won't do it again. He doesn't care what we do as long as we don't have sex.
Confession Two: I started cutting myself.
What the freaking crap? I think I've spoken before on how I feel about self-mutilation. I hate the idea. I've been so determined for so long to never, ever hurt myself like that.
So what drove me to this? I have no idea. I can't even remember why I did it the first time, which was a few weeks ago. It was just a few scratches. I was frustrated and lonely and confused, and I guess I thought I deserved it.
After that, I would let them heal, but once they weren't red anymore, I got restless. It bothered me when my wrists were normal. I felt like there should be cuts or scratches there. So every time they were nearly healed, I'd do it again.
Well, AOK found out. I went to his house one day, and I was carrying a watch to keep track of the time. While we were talking, he took my watch and started to put it on my arm, and pulled my sleeve back to do it. He wasn't happy. He kept rubbing my wrists with his thumbs and saying, "Damn, girl." He made me promise to stop.
I did it once after that. And the morning after I broke the promise to him, I was so upset with myself. My skin was burning and I felt absolutely horrible for causing myself injury and for breaking that promise. I went to AOK's house before school in near-tears. I told him I wouldn't come see him anymore and I wouldn't talk to him and that he needed to stay away from me. I asked him if he could really care about someone who could break that kind of promise. I asked if he really wanted to watch someone he cared about tear herself apart like that.
He told me that I had better not stop being his friend like I said that I was going to. I told him that it was what would be best for him. "Don't make my decisions for me. I'll decide what's best for me, and right now, I'm deciding it's for you to see me. If I change my mind, I'll let you know. If this is a mistake, it's the best one I've ever made," is what he said.
Mom, Dad, and my psychologist all know. And maybe my psychiatrist. I think Mom and Dad talked to my psychiatrist. Mom and Dad also know that AOK is the only friend of mine who knows and who I'm comfortable knowing. This doesn't matter much to them, but my psychologist and psychiatrist think that Mom and Dad both need to back off and let me make my decisions where AOK is concerned instead of banning me from seeing him.
But honestly. I'm freaking out. I mean I'm really freaking out. In the past couple of weeks, I've done two things that I promised myself and others that I would never do, and part of me still wants to do them. A big part of me. I'm really, really confused.
<3 o.
So, Elsa. I'm going to write about something I'd prefer you not know about it. And if you continue reading past this point anyway, I won't blame you. But these aren't really things I want you to know.
Now I'm going to insert this miniature paragraph so that she won't catch a glimpse of the confession and get even more curious than she already is. Alright that's enough, I can't think of anything else to type in this little distraction.
Confession One: AOK and I had sex.
I know. I know. I don't even know. I mean... it blows my mind that my brain has deteriorated this much. The worst part is, it was my fault. It was my idea. I don't know why I suggested it or why I did it. He didn't jump for it like some completely selfish jerk, although he didn't need much convincing either.
I don't know why I did it. Part of me is so angry and upset about it. AOK and I aren't strangers by any means, but we certainly aren't emotionally attached to do something like that. And this part of me is so confused, because she doesn't see a point in physical attachment without emotional attachment, too.
And then this other part of me doesn't regret it. Firstly, I think it makes what Han did seem less important. Kind of like saying, "See? It's no big deal. People do this kind of thing." Which isn't really true. But also, it's almost like this part of me knows that it's damaging, and is glad. I don't understand that. But whenever Alice thinks, "Why do that? It's going to be painful later. It's going to be bad," then Judith thinks, "Exactly."
And I know that AOK regrets it. Well, he says he doesn't regret it. But he says he shouldn't have done that and we won't do it again. He doesn't care what we do as long as we don't have sex.
Confession Two: I started cutting myself.
What the freaking crap? I think I've spoken before on how I feel about self-mutilation. I hate the idea. I've been so determined for so long to never, ever hurt myself like that.
So what drove me to this? I have no idea. I can't even remember why I did it the first time, which was a few weeks ago. It was just a few scratches. I was frustrated and lonely and confused, and I guess I thought I deserved it.
After that, I would let them heal, but once they weren't red anymore, I got restless. It bothered me when my wrists were normal. I felt like there should be cuts or scratches there. So every time they were nearly healed, I'd do it again.
Well, AOK found out. I went to his house one day, and I was carrying a watch to keep track of the time. While we were talking, he took my watch and started to put it on my arm, and pulled my sleeve back to do it. He wasn't happy. He kept rubbing my wrists with his thumbs and saying, "Damn, girl." He made me promise to stop.
I did it once after that. And the morning after I broke the promise to him, I was so upset with myself. My skin was burning and I felt absolutely horrible for causing myself injury and for breaking that promise. I went to AOK's house before school in near-tears. I told him I wouldn't come see him anymore and I wouldn't talk to him and that he needed to stay away from me. I asked him if he could really care about someone who could break that kind of promise. I asked if he really wanted to watch someone he cared about tear herself apart like that.
He told me that I had better not stop being his friend like I said that I was going to. I told him that it was what would be best for him. "Don't make my decisions for me. I'll decide what's best for me, and right now, I'm deciding it's for you to see me. If I change my mind, I'll let you know. If this is a mistake, it's the best one I've ever made," is what he said.
Mom, Dad, and my psychologist all know. And maybe my psychiatrist. I think Mom and Dad talked to my psychiatrist. Mom and Dad also know that AOK is the only friend of mine who knows and who I'm comfortable knowing. This doesn't matter much to them, but my psychologist and psychiatrist think that Mom and Dad both need to back off and let me make my decisions where AOK is concerned instead of banning me from seeing him.
But honestly. I'm freaking out. I mean I'm really freaking out. In the past couple of weeks, I've done two things that I promised myself and others that I would never do, and part of me still wants to do them. A big part of me. I'm really, really confused.
<3 o.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Celebrating 101 Posts And More
Okay, so 100 posts is a lot - but 101 is even more. And for me, it's pretty impressive. I've had blogs before, but I've never kept them up this long or this well. So I feel pretty good about it.
But big deal. There are more important things than having 101 posts on your blog. Like you guys. Anji and Worldman are two of the most encouraging people I know - I feel so blessed to have them reading my blog. :] They comment all the time, even though I am a comment slacker. And a few other people have commented recently, on posts that gave away my strong need for encouragement. I'll admit, I don't know who those people are, but their words, and just the fact that they took time to write those words, made me feel so much better.
All this trouble with Han is overwhelming, but through it I've realized how many people I have to be thankful for. I have some cheerleader friends that I haven't seen much of lately, but I recently realized how much I love and miss them. A few days ago, Han made me cry and I went to find one of them that I see daily. I couldn't find her, but another of my friends saw me and asked what was wrong. Before I knew it, all four of my cheerbuddies were hugging me and telling me that I'd be okay, they'd make it okay, they were going to show him what's up. I never thought in all my life I'd be so happy to be surrounded by cheerleaders.
I'm even thankful for people that I've met through Han, such as AOK. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him before or not, or if I changed his name. AOK is Han's best friend. When I first got to know him, I thought he was a real jerk, but it turns out, I was really wrong. When Han first started acting strangely, I called AOK to find out if anything was up that I should know about. We started talking regularly. I mostly talked about Han and he mostly would get my mind off of it. It was a good system. :] Well, eventually I started to feel bad for burdening him, and talking to him so much, seeing as he had a girlfriend, so I stopped calling him. After a couple of weeks of silence, he texted me on my mom's cell phone and told me that no matter what was happening with Han and I, he was still my friend and I could still talk to him if I needed to. He's also a complete sweetheart. He can tell when I'm down, and he knows how to cheer me up. He reminds me constantly that I don't need Han, even though it feels like it, and that I'm a beautiful, wonderful girl. What I wanna know is how a jerk like Han can be close friends with someone like AOK?
I'm now also friends again with one of my dearest cousins that had a falling out with me years back. Turns out we still both care about each other a lot, and have some problems that I think we can help each other with. And another friend that I haven't seen recently can really relate to my depression very well. I've missed her since she's graduated, and I hope I can start to see her more often. I forgot how supportive and loving she is.
And another guy from my church has been a complete sweetheart. He's always willing to talk to me when I am desperate to have company. I believe I've mentioned him before, but I can't remember what name I gave him, so I'll have to check on that. And a friend of Elsa's has also become a close friend. Last night we had a long, serious talk, and it turns out that we have a lot in common. We kept each other company this morning, since we were both having V-Day Blues.
With all these wonderful people around me, how can I be unhappy about the loss of Han? After all, some of these friendships wouldn't even have been brought to existance without Han. Some of them would never have gotten as strong as they are if he hadn't put me through what he did.
So I'm still upset about Han. But I have a lot of blessings, too. And I should try harder to celebrate all my amazing, supportive friends, instead of mourning the loss of one self-centered jerk.
<3 o.
But big deal. There are more important things than having 101 posts on your blog. Like you guys. Anji and Worldman are two of the most encouraging people I know - I feel so blessed to have them reading my blog. :] They comment all the time, even though I am a comment slacker. And a few other people have commented recently, on posts that gave away my strong need for encouragement. I'll admit, I don't know who those people are, but their words, and just the fact that they took time to write those words, made me feel so much better.
All this trouble with Han is overwhelming, but through it I've realized how many people I have to be thankful for. I have some cheerleader friends that I haven't seen much of lately, but I recently realized how much I love and miss them. A few days ago, Han made me cry and I went to find one of them that I see daily. I couldn't find her, but another of my friends saw me and asked what was wrong. Before I knew it, all four of my cheerbuddies were hugging me and telling me that I'd be okay, they'd make it okay, they were going to show him what's up. I never thought in all my life I'd be so happy to be surrounded by cheerleaders.
I'm even thankful for people that I've met through Han, such as AOK. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him before or not, or if I changed his name. AOK is Han's best friend. When I first got to know him, I thought he was a real jerk, but it turns out, I was really wrong. When Han first started acting strangely, I called AOK to find out if anything was up that I should know about. We started talking regularly. I mostly talked about Han and he mostly would get my mind off of it. It was a good system. :] Well, eventually I started to feel bad for burdening him, and talking to him so much, seeing as he had a girlfriend, so I stopped calling him. After a couple of weeks of silence, he texted me on my mom's cell phone and told me that no matter what was happening with Han and I, he was still my friend and I could still talk to him if I needed to. He's also a complete sweetheart. He can tell when I'm down, and he knows how to cheer me up. He reminds me constantly that I don't need Han, even though it feels like it, and that I'm a beautiful, wonderful girl. What I wanna know is how a jerk like Han can be close friends with someone like AOK?
I'm now also friends again with one of my dearest cousins that had a falling out with me years back. Turns out we still both care about each other a lot, and have some problems that I think we can help each other with. And another friend that I haven't seen recently can really relate to my depression very well. I've missed her since she's graduated, and I hope I can start to see her more often. I forgot how supportive and loving she is.
And another guy from my church has been a complete sweetheart. He's always willing to talk to me when I am desperate to have company. I believe I've mentioned him before, but I can't remember what name I gave him, so I'll have to check on that. And a friend of Elsa's has also become a close friend. Last night we had a long, serious talk, and it turns out that we have a lot in common. We kept each other company this morning, since we were both having V-Day Blues.
With all these wonderful people around me, how can I be unhappy about the loss of Han? After all, some of these friendships wouldn't even have been brought to existance without Han. Some of them would never have gotten as strong as they are if he hadn't put me through what he did.
So I'm still upset about Han. But I have a lot of blessings, too. And I should try harder to celebrate all my amazing, supportive friends, instead of mourning the loss of one self-centered jerk.
<3 o.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Good Reasons
To Be Really, Really Angry At Han
1. Rape
Yeah. I bet you weren't expecting to see that. Well, guess what? You saw it, and, yup, you saw it right, and you are officially sworn to secrecy. I never mentioned it before because it was too confusing and upsetting. But here's the thing: Yes, it's sex even if no one orgasms. Yes, it's rape even if the girl doesn't physically fight him. If she's repeatedly saying, "no," and he is repeatedly responding with, "yes," and does what he wants regardless - pretty sure it is rape. I wasn't sure before. I'm sure now. And I'm not just sure - I'm ticked.
2. All-Around General Horniness To The Extreme
I know guys are horny. And it can't be helped. But that's why I included 'to the extreme.' Seriously. I mean, who doesn't enjoy a good dirty joke every once in a while? But when that becomes your entire sense of humor, it isn't funny. It's annoying. And kind of gross. And you know what? When someone is crying while talking to you, that's the wrong time to tell her that you are horny for her. It just is. (See 5.) Maybe that's why he's been so mean lately - seeing me cry turns him on. (By the way, that's a little thing I like to call sarcasm.)
3. Dishonesty
He lied about just about everything. Yup, Han is a liar. I always knew that, but until the last few months, it was only about little things, like he had beaten a certain video game or owned a certain movie. You know, just things that he thought made him look cooler than he was - even though he was 100% cool at that point in time. But now it's out of control. Lying about seeing Cheer behind my back? Not cool. So does he love me? Does he not? Did he really get drunk? Who knows? Who cares? There's no way I can any longer believe what he says unless I have proof.
4. Disloyalty
No, he didn't technically "cheat." As far as physically. But he definitely had an emotional affair. He was not loyal. He let his guard down with Cheer, and even if they didn't "do the dirty," there was definitely something going on. After all, they were talking about going out. He kissed her on the cheek. He told her that he could see them together in the future. He lead her and I on at the same time. And I really don't feel like putting up with that.
5. Insensitivity
When a girl - particularly your girlfriend - is crying, you don't tell her to "cut the crap" and then storm off. Unless you want to make the problem worse. This is especially true if your girlfriend is crying about something you did. Some like, say, lying or being disloyal. There's no crap to cut. You did something wrong, it hurt her, and she's upset. You fix it. But did Han do that? No. Because he doesn't care about anything but himself. Today, he flat out said he wasn't upset about us, which as good as saying that he doesn't care about the two years we were happy together. And did he seem bothered when I, in tears, told him that I hated him and wanted him to stay away from me until he could stop acting like a jerk? No, I don't think he was bothered at all. Because he could care less how much he's hurt me.
6. This Entry
Just the fact that I even had to write this entry. This is my 100th entry. I was looking forward to this. I was going to do something fun for this post. You know, celebratory "Yay 100 entries!" post. But this is what's in my brain right now. All of this is inside of me and it needs out. And I am so ticked that he has done so much crap wrong that I had to waste my 100th entry on him. I'm even more ticked that I wasted two years of my life on him.
Reading this list, you really have to wonder where all the material for the last entry came from? That entry was based entirely on my feelings for Han about eight months ago - before he turned into what is described about. I don't miss Han now. I miss Han then. But this is the Han he is now, and I can't want to be with someone like this, and I can't date someone for something they aren't. I mean, let's face it - I love him, and I might always. But I can't put up with this kind of pain, and I shouldn't have to.
<3 o.
1. Rape
Yeah. I bet you weren't expecting to see that. Well, guess what? You saw it, and, yup, you saw it right, and you are officially sworn to secrecy. I never mentioned it before because it was too confusing and upsetting. But here's the thing: Yes, it's sex even if no one orgasms. Yes, it's rape even if the girl doesn't physically fight him. If she's repeatedly saying, "no," and he is repeatedly responding with, "yes," and does what he wants regardless - pretty sure it is rape. I wasn't sure before. I'm sure now. And I'm not just sure - I'm ticked.
2. All-Around General Horniness To The Extreme
I know guys are horny. And it can't be helped. But that's why I included 'to the extreme.' Seriously. I mean, who doesn't enjoy a good dirty joke every once in a while? But when that becomes your entire sense of humor, it isn't funny. It's annoying. And kind of gross. And you know what? When someone is crying while talking to you, that's the wrong time to tell her that you are horny for her. It just is. (See 5.) Maybe that's why he's been so mean lately - seeing me cry turns him on. (By the way, that's a little thing I like to call sarcasm.)
3. Dishonesty
He lied about just about everything. Yup, Han is a liar. I always knew that, but until the last few months, it was only about little things, like he had beaten a certain video game or owned a certain movie. You know, just things that he thought made him look cooler than he was - even though he was 100% cool at that point in time. But now it's out of control. Lying about seeing Cheer behind my back? Not cool. So does he love me? Does he not? Did he really get drunk? Who knows? Who cares? There's no way I can any longer believe what he says unless I have proof.
4. Disloyalty
No, he didn't technically "cheat." As far as physically. But he definitely had an emotional affair. He was not loyal. He let his guard down with Cheer, and even if they didn't "do the dirty," there was definitely something going on. After all, they were talking about going out. He kissed her on the cheek. He told her that he could see them together in the future. He lead her and I on at the same time. And I really don't feel like putting up with that.
5. Insensitivity
When a girl - particularly your girlfriend - is crying, you don't tell her to "cut the crap" and then storm off. Unless you want to make the problem worse. This is especially true if your girlfriend is crying about something you did. Some like, say, lying or being disloyal. There's no crap to cut. You did something wrong, it hurt her, and she's upset. You fix it. But did Han do that? No. Because he doesn't care about anything but himself. Today, he flat out said he wasn't upset about us, which as good as saying that he doesn't care about the two years we were happy together. And did he seem bothered when I, in tears, told him that I hated him and wanted him to stay away from me until he could stop acting like a jerk? No, I don't think he was bothered at all. Because he could care less how much he's hurt me.
6. This Entry
Just the fact that I even had to write this entry. This is my 100th entry. I was looking forward to this. I was going to do something fun for this post. You know, celebratory "Yay 100 entries!" post. But this is what's in my brain right now. All of this is inside of me and it needs out. And I am so ticked that he has done so much crap wrong that I had to waste my 100th entry on him. I'm even more ticked that I wasted two years of my life on him.
Reading this list, you really have to wonder where all the material for the last entry came from? That entry was based entirely on my feelings for Han about eight months ago - before he turned into what is described about. I don't miss Han now. I miss Han then. But this is the Han he is now, and I can't want to be with someone like this, and I can't date someone for something they aren't. I mean, let's face it - I love him, and I might always. But I can't put up with this kind of pain, and I shouldn't have to.
<3 o.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
All About Han
To start with, the boy absolutely melted my heart last night. And considering how mad I was at him, this could not have been an easy task. Two days ago, he broke up with me again. It was a dump that was full of promises for the future and apologies. It was followed by discovering that he'd been drunk a few nights before and had sent Cheer a message on myspace telling her that he loved her. And after we fought about that, he called me and told me that he loved me and didn't want to break up with me, and that he'd be so happy if I got better.
That was two days ago. I wasn't buying it. I didn't even let myself cry.
Last night, he asked me to go get a blizzard with him. We did, and I was pretty quiet the whole time. I guess my resolve to be angry with him (despite his sweetness) was starting to weaken, because he could tell I was upset and kept asking what was wrong. By the time we were leaving, I was forcing back tears. I asked him if he had cried either time we broke up, and he said both. I told him that I hadn't cried yet, and when he asked why, I told him that I wouldn't let myself. He then reached over and held my hand and told me that it was alright to cry or talk or do whatever I needed to. A few tears escaped, but I held back most of them. When we got to his house, he said something about not having changed, and I pointed out to him a couple of big things that had changed about him. Han agreed, and told me he was sorry for what he was putting me through, that he knew he shouldn't be and he was sorry. Then he gave me a hug, and told me that he loved me and was going to get better for me. Then he went inside.
I started crying and left for home.
Less than two minutes later, he called the cell phone and told me to come back. Han came outside and looked at me and said, "You cried." "Just a little bit." He touched my cheek, and I said, "They aren't there anymore." He told me they were, that my cheeks were moist. He said it was okay, and told me that I had soft skin, all the while running his fingers along the side of and under my face.
And my heart absolutely melted.
Because I love Han. Everything about him. His smile is so beautiful, and when I see it growing across his face, I can't help but grin myself.
When he sleeps, he looks so sweet and peaceful, I just want to stroke his hair and kiss his face all over. Other times, he snores so loudly it makes me want to laugh and hug him, but it would wake him up.
When he hugs me, I want to just disappear inside his arms, where it's warm and safe. I want to stay there forever. When I see his arms, I want them securely around me.
Some people see fireworks when they kiss. When Han kisses me, I see pure yellow, like a huge blinding light.
When he holds my hand, I can barely keep myself from bringing our hands to my mouth and kissing his. When he kisses my hand, I can't keep from blushing, and I just know that I glow.
When I think about him, my heart beats so much faster. When I am close enough to hear his heartbeat, I want to be able to hear it forever, and I tell him how beautiful it is.
When we're close to each other and I can hear, feel, or see his breath, I hold my breath and I don't let it out until he lets his out. I like the idea of us breathing together.
When he tickles me, I both shriek and laugh like no tomorrow, because no one could make being tickled as much fun as he does. When he massages the back of my head, fingers in my hair, I end up leaning into his hand like a kitten having its chin scratched.
When he looks directly in my eyes, and I can see his irises so perfectly, I can't think of a thing that is more beautiful than his eyes. They are the most perfect, piercing eyes.
When he says he loves me, he has this voice that's full of intensity and desperacy, and when I hear it, it's like someone puts a star in my heart, the way it beats and I can feel my eyes sparkle.
But oh...
When he's angry, how I want to just cower. Not from fear, but to appease.
When he's with other people, I get so nervous. Are there other girls? What kind of influence are the guys there going to be? What are they doing? Why does he refuse to talk to me when he's with those people? What has he said about me? What do they think about me?
When he is short with me, my heart aches. There is a literal ache in my chest and I want to crumple into nothing in a corner at the same time as I want to be held to his side by the arm that lets me know he loves me.
When he is walking away, for whatever reason, I want to tell him to wait, and to come back, and to hold me, and to please not let go of me this time.
When he cries (which I haven't seen happen in a while), oh goodness, I want to hug him and stroke his face and hold his hands and pet his hair all at once. I wish I could kiss away whatever upset him as easily as I could kiss away his tears.
What's a girl to do?
<3 o.
That was two days ago. I wasn't buying it. I didn't even let myself cry.
Last night, he asked me to go get a blizzard with him. We did, and I was pretty quiet the whole time. I guess my resolve to be angry with him (despite his sweetness) was starting to weaken, because he could tell I was upset and kept asking what was wrong. By the time we were leaving, I was forcing back tears. I asked him if he had cried either time we broke up, and he said both. I told him that I hadn't cried yet, and when he asked why, I told him that I wouldn't let myself. He then reached over and held my hand and told me that it was alright to cry or talk or do whatever I needed to. A few tears escaped, but I held back most of them. When we got to his house, he said something about not having changed, and I pointed out to him a couple of big things that had changed about him. Han agreed, and told me he was sorry for what he was putting me through, that he knew he shouldn't be and he was sorry. Then he gave me a hug, and told me that he loved me and was going to get better for me. Then he went inside.
I started crying and left for home.
Less than two minutes later, he called the cell phone and told me to come back. Han came outside and looked at me and said, "You cried." "Just a little bit." He touched my cheek, and I said, "They aren't there anymore." He told me they were, that my cheeks were moist. He said it was okay, and told me that I had soft skin, all the while running his fingers along the side of and under my face.
And my heart absolutely melted.
Because I love Han. Everything about him. His smile is so beautiful, and when I see it growing across his face, I can't help but grin myself.
When he sleeps, he looks so sweet and peaceful, I just want to stroke his hair and kiss his face all over. Other times, he snores so loudly it makes me want to laugh and hug him, but it would wake him up.
When he hugs me, I want to just disappear inside his arms, where it's warm and safe. I want to stay there forever. When I see his arms, I want them securely around me.
Some people see fireworks when they kiss. When Han kisses me, I see pure yellow, like a huge blinding light.
When he holds my hand, I can barely keep myself from bringing our hands to my mouth and kissing his. When he kisses my hand, I can't keep from blushing, and I just know that I glow.
When I think about him, my heart beats so much faster. When I am close enough to hear his heartbeat, I want to be able to hear it forever, and I tell him how beautiful it is.
When we're close to each other and I can hear, feel, or see his breath, I hold my breath and I don't let it out until he lets his out. I like the idea of us breathing together.
When he tickles me, I both shriek and laugh like no tomorrow, because no one could make being tickled as much fun as he does. When he massages the back of my head, fingers in my hair, I end up leaning into his hand like a kitten having its chin scratched.
When he looks directly in my eyes, and I can see his irises so perfectly, I can't think of a thing that is more beautiful than his eyes. They are the most perfect, piercing eyes.
When he says he loves me, he has this voice that's full of intensity and desperacy, and when I hear it, it's like someone puts a star in my heart, the way it beats and I can feel my eyes sparkle.
But oh...
When he's angry, how I want to just cower. Not from fear, but to appease.
When he's with other people, I get so nervous. Are there other girls? What kind of influence are the guys there going to be? What are they doing? Why does he refuse to talk to me when he's with those people? What has he said about me? What do they think about me?
When he is short with me, my heart aches. There is a literal ache in my chest and I want to crumple into nothing in a corner at the same time as I want to be held to his side by the arm that lets me know he loves me.
When he is walking away, for whatever reason, I want to tell him to wait, and to come back, and to hold me, and to please not let go of me this time.
When he cries (which I haven't seen happen in a while), oh goodness, I want to hug him and stroke his face and hold his hands and pet his hair all at once. I wish I could kiss away whatever upset him as easily as I could kiss away his tears.
What's a girl to do?
<3 o.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE PHRASE
"Major Depressive Disorder"?
NAMI:
Major depression is a serious medical illness affecting 15 million American adults, or approximately 5 to 8 percent of the adult population in a given year. Unlike normal emotional experiences of sadness, loss, or passing mood states, major depression is persistent and can significantly interfere with an individual’s thoughts, behavior, mood, activity, and physical health. Among all medical illnesses, major depression is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and many other developed countries.
DEPRESSION.COM:
Depression is not something you can just "snap out of." It's thought to be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals, along with other factors. Like any serious medical condition, depression needs to be treated.
NAMI:
Major depression is a serious medical illness affecting 15 million American adults, or approximately 5 to 8 percent of the adult population in a given year. Unlike normal emotional experiences of sadness, loss, or passing mood states, major depression is persistent and can significantly interfere with an individual’s thoughts, behavior, mood, activity, and physical health. Among all medical illnesses, major depression is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and many other developed countries.
DEPRESSION.COM:
Depression is not something you can just "snap out of." It's thought to be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals, along with other factors. Like any serious medical condition, depression needs to be treated.
That with more screaming and crying. That's what it feels like.
SO WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND? WHAT?! TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND I WILL LOOK IT UP AND PUT IT INTO UNDERSTANDABLE TERMS FOR YOU.
I do not have control over my feelings.
So, Han, I do not have control over how I feel. For the record, I feel unwanted, unloved, unworthy, unbeautiful, and un-anything-good. And for the record, Han was the only thing that every made me feel wanted, loved, worthy, beautiful, or good. I remember when he said he didn't know what he'd do with out me. I remember when he didn't want to let go of our hugs. I remember when he didn't pull immediately away from a kiss. I remember when he hated to not hold my hand. I remember when he'd hold me if I was crying. I remember when I was something to cherish. I remember when I wasn't a nuisance. I remember when he didn't care what others thought, as long as I was happy. I remember when he never yelled at me. I remember all those things and more.
Why doesn't he remember? Or care? Or whatever?
He says his problem is that I'm not happy. BUT THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME NOT HAPPY. He says the one thing he wants more than anything else in the world is my happiness. But he HAS my happiness... I just wish he'd give some of it to me!
What does he NOT understand? He says I've changed, but I am exactly the same as I was when we met: sad, lonely, hopeless. Only then, he wanted to make me happy. Now he wants nothing to do with me unless I can make myself happy.
What does he NOT understand? Or does he understand and not care?
I can't make anyone happy. I can't make me happy. I can't make my parents happy, I can't make Han happy, I can't even make my rabbit happy. I can't even MAKE ME HAPPY.
I could just die.
<3 o.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Good Morning, Midnight!
I've never been much of a concert-goer. I went to one concert in 6th grade with my cousin and our parents, and I really went more for the music than for the concert experience. I have been to a Christian youth conference called Acquire The Fire, and that was something of a concert experience.
On Thursday, I had another concert experience. A few people from my youth group went to a Stellar Kart concert not too far from here. Stellar Kart was good, yes, but what I really enjoyed was the more local opening band, Good Morning Midnight. I loved them before I heard them, just because I loved their name. But I also loved their music. It was lovely, as far as rock goes, and so easy to relate to.
But I am getting ahead of myself. There is a girl in our youth group called Kind. She is tall, thin, and blonde. She's quiet and nice. And she is good friends, of late, with Han. This occurred while I was out of attending youth group. When we got there, he started talking to Kind. This wouldn't normally bother me so much, but for two things: The first is that I'm extremely sensitive lately, more so than before, to his interaction with girls. The second is that his back was rather turned to me, and if it wasn't, they are both so tall that they talk to each other right over me. Then when we were on the bus, he wouldn't let me sit by him. He sat in the two seats in the back, and Kind sat in front of his seats. I sat in front of him and to the side, as there were no back row behind me. I was upset that he'd somewhat ignored me, and also that he wouldn't let me sit by him, and that Kind was closer to him than I was. So I wasn't overly responsive to his little attempts to speak to me. In fact, I faced the window and tried to keep from crying.
Let us pause to examine this need to restrain tears. I've seen my psychologist a couple of times now and the 'diagnosis' is Major Depressive Disorder, which I in no way doubt. Depression or not, though, I'm incredibly sensitive and he knows it. I hate to say this, because it sounds so overdramatic, but this is all considerably due to my feeling completely worthless and inept. And part of that feeling came from the entire Cheer situation. Actually, a lot of it did. That, and his associated hate for any sign of upset from myself. Which was something I couldn't help. Believe me, I tried. I don't think I've every tried harder at anything my entire life. I literally could not keep myself cheerful for any significant length of time, and thusly, I could not keep him happy with me for any significant length of time. Which made me feel like crap, let me tell you.
And that feeling of crap comes up at any time when I feel ignored or unimportant. Which Han doesn't seem to understand. So my moodiness only proved to further agitate him. Which only made me feel increasingly worthless. I didn't even hide it after a while. He reminded me that I was making him look bad and ruining the night, which I hadn't done yet. But since he was going to be upset about me doing something, I figured I might as well do it, so I cried and didn't hide it. Eventually, I forced myself to calm down somewhat. But for some reason, half-way through the concert, I couldn't any more, so I left the concert and went to a back hallway and sat in a window to cry. I didn't think anyone would be there while the concert was going on. One man did walk through, though. An adult man wearing a name landyard walked through and asked if I was okay. My answer was of course an affirmative. Even though of course it shouldn't have been. He asked if he could do anything (a negative) and if i was sure (an affirmative). He told me that if I needed to talk, to let him know. I said okay, even though I had no idea where I'd find him.
And that got me to thinking. My parents are always upset at me when I am unhappy about something they want me to do. Han is always upset at me when I cry for any reason, especially related to him. Everyone is upset at me when I am upset. And this one man that I don't even know is the only one so far who has kindly offered to help without any kind of condemnation. I have only two theories for this:
1. Everyone has their pre-determined ideas of what I should be and what I am capable of. They don't seem to comprehend at all the lack of control I have on my emotions, and maybe they should. And the man who offered to help didn't have those standards already set. He didn't have before and after photos to look at. He didn't see a selfish attention-hungry brat, and he didn't see a pitiful oversensitive nuisance. He just saw a scared and hurting little girl sitting in the corner of the window. It is probably the most obvious thing to see, but no one else seems to look at it that way.
2. Everyone who gets upset at me for my feelings knows how ridiculous they are and how wrong I am for having the feelings I get. They know I'm wrong and messed up and oversensitive and the man that offered to help didn't know me well enough to know that the feelings I had were wrong.
The man left me with those thoughts. And I remember also thinking that Han wouldn't look for me, much less find me, and that he might not even notice if I had left. I didn't really want him to find me at this point, because I knew how upset he would be if he found me crying. But I wanted him to at least look for me.
He did find me. He found me and he hugged me and tried to get me to stop crying and told me he wasn't mad and he was sorry for earlier. All I did was cry more and tell him that I was sorry for ruining the night and that he should go and enjoy the rest of the concert. He did go back to the concert, but made me go with him.
The rest of the concert was good, until the ride home. Everyone had said they wanted to go to McDonalds except our youth pastor, who wanted to go to Burger King. Kind was going to McDonalds. I didn't want to be around Kind. Not then. So I said, "Hey, we should go to Burger King to keep our pastor company." So we went into Burger King, and when the youth pastor came in, guess who was with him? Kind. She had talked the whole night about wanting McDonalds, but as soon as Han and I went to Burger King, what did she suddenly want? This did only bad things to my mood.
Han and I sat by each other on the ride home. He talked to me a little, but he talked to the pastor and to Kind more. The radio was on, and I sang a little, but only to myself. I had my head on his shoulder, and I looked at him a lot, hoping he'd feel my eyes and look back and smile. He didn't really. But it's silly to think he'd know to do that.
I cried when I took him home, I think. I can't remember why. All I remember is him going inside and telling me that he couldn't handle much more of me crying, that he just couldn't. That didn't make it any better.
So, along with at Good Morning Midnight shirt and cd, I was left with this:
Would you tell someone with cancer to just get better? Then why would you tell someone with depression to just cheer up? Do you think I enjoy this? I don't. If it were that easy to just 'be happy,' then believe me, I would be. You don't have to tell me.
I love Han to pieces. I do. But I've become more fragile and he's become less gentle. I don't know what to do anymore.
I've always believed that if I had an incurable disease, I would cut off ties with people I knew and cared about. Because I didn't want to upset them when everything fell to pieces. But for some reason, I now have depression, something I can't get rid of, and I can't bring myself to get rid of my friendships. I feel like I have to. I have to stop making everyone miserable with my misery. But I can't. I want to run off without any warning or explanation and leave them alone, because they'd certainly be better off without me. But I can't. I care too much about them, especially about Han, and I also don't have enough money.
I did run away, though. Last night I dropped Han off at his house a little early and went to the park. Where I cried. This was in part because I didn't want to cry around him. But once I got there, it was largely because I wanted someone to come and find me. No, here's what it really was (to me) :
There was a princess suffering a great tribulation. She was all by herself. She had tried many times to end her suffering and her situation, but she couldn't do it by herself. Her only hope anymore was for someone to do it for her. But no one wanted to rescue her. She was the princess who wasn't worth rescuing.
So eventually I got off the swingset and walked back to my car. I started to heat it up and I kept crying. And lo and behold, a car pulled up. Yeah... it was a cop car. Telling me that no one was supposed to be in the park past 11 p.m. The only person willing to get me out of the park was someone who has to because they are paid to.
But, it is late. Good night, everyone. And good morning, midnight.
<3 o.
On Thursday, I had another concert experience. A few people from my youth group went to a Stellar Kart concert not too far from here. Stellar Kart was good, yes, but what I really enjoyed was the more local opening band, Good Morning Midnight. I loved them before I heard them, just because I loved their name. But I also loved their music. It was lovely, as far as rock goes, and so easy to relate to.
But I am getting ahead of myself. There is a girl in our youth group called Kind. She is tall, thin, and blonde. She's quiet and nice. And she is good friends, of late, with Han. This occurred while I was out of attending youth group. When we got there, he started talking to Kind. This wouldn't normally bother me so much, but for two things: The first is that I'm extremely sensitive lately, more so than before, to his interaction with girls. The second is that his back was rather turned to me, and if it wasn't, they are both so tall that they talk to each other right over me. Then when we were on the bus, he wouldn't let me sit by him. He sat in the two seats in the back, and Kind sat in front of his seats. I sat in front of him and to the side, as there were no back row behind me. I was upset that he'd somewhat ignored me, and also that he wouldn't let me sit by him, and that Kind was closer to him than I was. So I wasn't overly responsive to his little attempts to speak to me. In fact, I faced the window and tried to keep from crying.
Let us pause to examine this need to restrain tears. I've seen my psychologist a couple of times now and the 'diagnosis' is Major Depressive Disorder, which I in no way doubt. Depression or not, though, I'm incredibly sensitive and he knows it. I hate to say this, because it sounds so overdramatic, but this is all considerably due to my feeling completely worthless and inept. And part of that feeling came from the entire Cheer situation. Actually, a lot of it did. That, and his associated hate for any sign of upset from myself. Which was something I couldn't help. Believe me, I tried. I don't think I've every tried harder at anything my entire life. I literally could not keep myself cheerful for any significant length of time, and thusly, I could not keep him happy with me for any significant length of time. Which made me feel like crap, let me tell you.
And that feeling of crap comes up at any time when I feel ignored or unimportant. Which Han doesn't seem to understand. So my moodiness only proved to further agitate him. Which only made me feel increasingly worthless. I didn't even hide it after a while. He reminded me that I was making him look bad and ruining the night, which I hadn't done yet. But since he was going to be upset about me doing something, I figured I might as well do it, so I cried and didn't hide it. Eventually, I forced myself to calm down somewhat. But for some reason, half-way through the concert, I couldn't any more, so I left the concert and went to a back hallway and sat in a window to cry. I didn't think anyone would be there while the concert was going on. One man did walk through, though. An adult man wearing a name landyard walked through and asked if I was okay. My answer was of course an affirmative. Even though of course it shouldn't have been. He asked if he could do anything (a negative) and if i was sure (an affirmative). He told me that if I needed to talk, to let him know. I said okay, even though I had no idea where I'd find him.
And that got me to thinking. My parents are always upset at me when I am unhappy about something they want me to do. Han is always upset at me when I cry for any reason, especially related to him. Everyone is upset at me when I am upset. And this one man that I don't even know is the only one so far who has kindly offered to help without any kind of condemnation. I have only two theories for this:
1. Everyone has their pre-determined ideas of what I should be and what I am capable of. They don't seem to comprehend at all the lack of control I have on my emotions, and maybe they should. And the man who offered to help didn't have those standards already set. He didn't have before and after photos to look at. He didn't see a selfish attention-hungry brat, and he didn't see a pitiful oversensitive nuisance. He just saw a scared and hurting little girl sitting in the corner of the window. It is probably the most obvious thing to see, but no one else seems to look at it that way.
2. Everyone who gets upset at me for my feelings knows how ridiculous they are and how wrong I am for having the feelings I get. They know I'm wrong and messed up and oversensitive and the man that offered to help didn't know me well enough to know that the feelings I had were wrong.
The man left me with those thoughts. And I remember also thinking that Han wouldn't look for me, much less find me, and that he might not even notice if I had left. I didn't really want him to find me at this point, because I knew how upset he would be if he found me crying. But I wanted him to at least look for me.
He did find me. He found me and he hugged me and tried to get me to stop crying and told me he wasn't mad and he was sorry for earlier. All I did was cry more and tell him that I was sorry for ruining the night and that he should go and enjoy the rest of the concert. He did go back to the concert, but made me go with him.
The rest of the concert was good, until the ride home. Everyone had said they wanted to go to McDonalds except our youth pastor, who wanted to go to Burger King. Kind was going to McDonalds. I didn't want to be around Kind. Not then. So I said, "Hey, we should go to Burger King to keep our pastor company." So we went into Burger King, and when the youth pastor came in, guess who was with him? Kind. She had talked the whole night about wanting McDonalds, but as soon as Han and I went to Burger King, what did she suddenly want? This did only bad things to my mood.
Han and I sat by each other on the ride home. He talked to me a little, but he talked to the pastor and to Kind more. The radio was on, and I sang a little, but only to myself. I had my head on his shoulder, and I looked at him a lot, hoping he'd feel my eyes and look back and smile. He didn't really. But it's silly to think he'd know to do that.
I cried when I took him home, I think. I can't remember why. All I remember is him going inside and telling me that he couldn't handle much more of me crying, that he just couldn't. That didn't make it any better.
So, along with at Good Morning Midnight shirt and cd, I was left with this:
Would you tell someone with cancer to just get better? Then why would you tell someone with depression to just cheer up? Do you think I enjoy this? I don't. If it were that easy to just 'be happy,' then believe me, I would be. You don't have to tell me.
I love Han to pieces. I do. But I've become more fragile and he's become less gentle. I don't know what to do anymore.
I've always believed that if I had an incurable disease, I would cut off ties with people I knew and cared about. Because I didn't want to upset them when everything fell to pieces. But for some reason, I now have depression, something I can't get rid of, and I can't bring myself to get rid of my friendships. I feel like I have to. I have to stop making everyone miserable with my misery. But I can't. I want to run off without any warning or explanation and leave them alone, because they'd certainly be better off without me. But I can't. I care too much about them, especially about Han, and I also don't have enough money.
I did run away, though. Last night I dropped Han off at his house a little early and went to the park. Where I cried. This was in part because I didn't want to cry around him. But once I got there, it was largely because I wanted someone to come and find me. No, here's what it really was (to me) :
There was a princess suffering a great tribulation. She was all by herself. She had tried many times to end her suffering and her situation, but she couldn't do it by herself. Her only hope anymore was for someone to do it for her. But no one wanted to rescue her. She was the princess who wasn't worth rescuing.
So eventually I got off the swingset and walked back to my car. I started to heat it up and I kept crying. And lo and behold, a car pulled up. Yeah... it was a cop car. Telling me that no one was supposed to be in the park past 11 p.m. The only person willing to get me out of the park was someone who has to because they are paid to.
But, it is late. Good night, everyone. And good morning, midnight.
<3 o.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
We Interrupt This Program For An Emergency
FREAK OUT.
I am in a panic.
And unless you have some helpful medical knowledge, maybe you shouldn't read this.
A few days ago, one of my breasts started getting really sore in a particular area. I figured that since I was not too far from my period, it was probably just tenderness due to that. When it got sorer, I thought that maybe I'd bruised it when I was wrestling / tickle-fighting with Han a few days ago. In the shower last night, though, I realized that a spot right about my nipple was red, and also that right around that red area, it also felt kind of stiff. And it was hurting a lot. Before, it only hurt when it got bumped or touched, but now it hurts most of the time.
Doing my research, I thought it was a "breast lump," which are usually signs of a cyst or cancer. You are supposed to see a doctor if it doesn't disappear after your next menstrual cycle, so I was going to wait a week or two before I saw a doctor. I don't know what the "lump" is supposed to be if it disappears after your period, but I don't think it really matters because "lumps" aren't usually visible and they are usually painless.
Other signs of cancer are soreness and a change in skin, like redness, cracking, dimpling, etc. However, I think it could also be a "breast infection," which generally occurs near the nipple, and is red and sore. The drawing they have on medical sites shows a breast that is much redder than mine, but there are only a few photos that I've been able to find, and their redness doesn't look as wide-spread.
So I'm leaning towards infection. The NEXT problem is, however, that these infections most commonly occur in women who are breastfeeding, and I most definitely am not. Apparently, getting this infection when you aren't can be a sign of breast cancer.
I'm not convinced I have cancer, no. But another thing: The breast that has this red soreness also occasionally has an inverted nipple. Well, apparently 2% of the women in America have at least one inverted nipple, and they aren't dangerous or anything, but for some reason they are in some way associated with breast cancer. That is, as I understand it, if your nipple starts to be inverted when it wasn't before, then that could be a sign of breast cancer. Now, my nipple doesn't do it all the time, and I don't know how long it's been like this. I only noticed it in the last year or two, but that doesn't mean much. And an inverted nipple is not a sure-fire sign of cancer.
However, the soreness, redness of skin, inverted nipple, and unlikeliness of the infection when not breastfeeding are enough to make me worry.
So the problem is: What do I do? Do I wait until after my period to see if it goes away? Do I go see a doctor immediately? I don't want to go to my doctor. For one thing, I don't trust him thoroughly, and for another thing, he's a male. So if/when I go to the doctor, I'd rather go to a female doctor, and that means finding one. Do I do this on my own? Do I talk to my mom? This is really embarassing, awkward and personal, and my mom and I aren't that close, but I may need her help with insurance, and I don't know if I'll know how to find an intelligent female doctor on my own. And then there's always the possibility, faint thought it may seem, that I won't need a doctor. But is that really realistic?
I've always thought really hard about my emotional, mental, and spiritual health. When I have problems, I always think about how they might be attributed to problems in one of those areas. I've never considered my physical health so seriously, aside from my migraines. And now that I've started seriously looking at my physical health, I wonder how much effect a serious physical problem might have on my mental/emotional state, or how it might effect my behavior.
I really don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk to Mom or see a doctor, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I'm also really worried that it will be cancerous.
. . .
UUUUUUUUUUUUURGH. ><
<3 o.
I am in a panic.
And unless you have some helpful medical knowledge, maybe you shouldn't read this.
A few days ago, one of my breasts started getting really sore in a particular area. I figured that since I was not too far from my period, it was probably just tenderness due to that. When it got sorer, I thought that maybe I'd bruised it when I was wrestling / tickle-fighting with Han a few days ago. In the shower last night, though, I realized that a spot right about my nipple was red, and also that right around that red area, it also felt kind of stiff. And it was hurting a lot. Before, it only hurt when it got bumped or touched, but now it hurts most of the time.
Doing my research, I thought it was a "breast lump," which are usually signs of a cyst or cancer. You are supposed to see a doctor if it doesn't disappear after your next menstrual cycle, so I was going to wait a week or two before I saw a doctor. I don't know what the "lump" is supposed to be if it disappears after your period, but I don't think it really matters because "lumps" aren't usually visible and they are usually painless.
Other signs of cancer are soreness and a change in skin, like redness, cracking, dimpling, etc. However, I think it could also be a "breast infection," which generally occurs near the nipple, and is red and sore. The drawing they have on medical sites shows a breast that is much redder than mine, but there are only a few photos that I've been able to find, and their redness doesn't look as wide-spread.
So I'm leaning towards infection. The NEXT problem is, however, that these infections most commonly occur in women who are breastfeeding, and I most definitely am not. Apparently, getting this infection when you aren't can be a sign of breast cancer.
I'm not convinced I have cancer, no. But another thing: The breast that has this red soreness also occasionally has an inverted nipple. Well, apparently 2% of the women in America have at least one inverted nipple, and they aren't dangerous or anything, but for some reason they are in some way associated with breast cancer. That is, as I understand it, if your nipple starts to be inverted when it wasn't before, then that could be a sign of breast cancer. Now, my nipple doesn't do it all the time, and I don't know how long it's been like this. I only noticed it in the last year or two, but that doesn't mean much. And an inverted nipple is not a sure-fire sign of cancer.
However, the soreness, redness of skin, inverted nipple, and unlikeliness of the infection when not breastfeeding are enough to make me worry.
So the problem is: What do I do? Do I wait until after my period to see if it goes away? Do I go see a doctor immediately? I don't want to go to my doctor. For one thing, I don't trust him thoroughly, and for another thing, he's a male. So if/when I go to the doctor, I'd rather go to a female doctor, and that means finding one. Do I do this on my own? Do I talk to my mom? This is really embarassing, awkward and personal, and my mom and I aren't that close, but I may need her help with insurance, and I don't know if I'll know how to find an intelligent female doctor on my own. And then there's always the possibility, faint thought it may seem, that I won't need a doctor. But is that really realistic?
I've always thought really hard about my emotional, mental, and spiritual health. When I have problems, I always think about how they might be attributed to problems in one of those areas. I've never considered my physical health so seriously, aside from my migraines. And now that I've started seriously looking at my physical health, I wonder how much effect a serious physical problem might have on my mental/emotional state, or how it might effect my behavior.
I really don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk to Mom or see a doctor, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I'm also really worried that it will be cancerous.
. . .
UUUUUUUUUUUUURGH. ><
<3 o.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Let's Talk About Spaceships
or anything except you and me, okay? Okay.
- Say Hi To Your Mom
That is basically how I feel about this little situation I've someone been dragged into. Long story short: I have made a mistake. A really big mistake, and, no, I don't intend to share it. I won't even tell my best friend, so I see no reason to stick it on a public blog and risk anyone finding it.
So, moving on to the "spaceships" (that is to say, what we are going to talk about instead) ...
. . .
Problem. I don't have any spaceships. I have tried to write about multiple things here: fairy tales, Swan Lake, school, prom, music. Everything leads back to my problem: Han.
Han is a problem. I can't stand being away from him. But it's almost torture to be with him. Too much has happened and been happening for me to issue a full update. Let me think of a good way to put it.
Han and I had a relationship. It was a good relationship that we had built over time, and like anything that is built, it had a foundation. I don't know what exactly that foundation was, but I'll hazard a guess that it was a mixture of happiness, trust, and security. Well, over the last several weeks, the foundation seems to have started to crack. And continued to crack. Han would appear to want to maintain the relationship; however, he seems unwilling to fix the foundation. I suspect that he doesn't notice how damaged it is, or how necessary.
I could give you reasons and examples of how the foundation started it's cracking process, but I'll spare you. No, I'll spare myself. I don't even want to think about it, much less write about it. Do you know why? Because to write about it is to confirm it. It is to give the problem substance, an existence. Whereas, if it just stays in my brain, it could at some point vanish. That isn't the point. The point is this: Han has convinced me, multiple times, that we are over, done, finished, through. He has convinced me an equal number of times that we're destined, fated, and will be back together. So which do I believe?
Today he hugged me. In (semi) public. That is, on our way out of the classroom at school. At school! How long has it been since he showed an ounce of feeling for me at school? He also muttered that he loved me at school two or three times. And he drew a heart with a band-aid on it on my hand during class. Earlier tonight, I gave him a ride to the bowling alley, and on the way to the car, he had his arm around me and held me to him. He held me at his side. It felt so right!
In fact, there were only two discouraging things today: 1. Generally, when I go to pick Han up for school, he is still asleep. We usually have extra time, so I'll lay down on his bed and also go to sleep. And he always will eventually work his arms around me and pull me closer, or at least put an arm over or around me. We did this while we were dating, and we continued it after we broke up. Who knows why? Because we're idiots. Today, though, he didn't do that. I didn't even get to sleep because it bothered me so much that he didn't reach for me. 2. He's at the bowling alley and I have no way of contacting him. Okay, call me psycho. Keep in mind the last two times he went bowling: The one time, he hung up on me twice, as well as lied to his mom, to go bowling with Cheer (the girl who contributed largely, though not entirely intentionally, to our split and my great unhappiness - she was also played by Han nearly as much as I was in those weeks). The second time was at bowling practice, at which I will occasionally visit and watch, he insisted I leave and that he didn't like me watching (despite that we have bowled together before, and frequently), UNTIL everyone else had left - then he called my cell phone when I was on my way home, insisting he hadn't meant for me to GO and to come back, because everyone left. So, I'm really not thrilled about his being at the bowling alley without my being able to contact him.
Which is funny, because, you know, I really have no claim on him. Technically. And technically, he has no claim on me, either, but he is insanely possessive. If he so much suspects a guy is looking at me or interested in me, it's muttered threats and death glares. Don't you dare encroach on his unofficial territory. But, remember, little o., that don't you dare tell him what to do, because he is his own person! And he can do what he likes! And, by the way, when he's on the phone with you and he says that he "has to go," it really means that he's going to go, probably because he wants to. And don't protest - respect his wish to get off the phone. No matter how upset you are or how badly you need to talk with him. News Flash : I respect men who earn it, not demand it.
Don't consider him too big a jerk. He has not been so psycho of late. It's ironic, though, that he says we'll go back out once I'm happy again, since he hates it when I'm sad or I look sad - yet he is the main reason I am sad. I have never had any doubt before this that he was my prince - but a prince doesn't insist that the princess makes herself safe before he'll take her as his own. Most commonly, a prince will bring her to safety. Han used to do that. He's always hated to see me cry, but he used to do something about it. That is, he used to do something other than tell me to stop and sigh in an annoyed manner.
It's clear that he can't really handle me. Obviously, I stress him out, and he can't take care of me like he used to. And still he refuses to leave me alone. I've given him many an opportunity. I've told him to take the ring back. I've told him to just stay away because it will make his life so much easier. He simply won't do it.
I know that, up until now, I've made Han out to be a total monster. But he's not. It's said that you never know what you've got till it's gone, and I never knew the honesty of that statement. When we were going out, I tried to make a list of 101 things that I loved about Han. It took me a week or two to get 50 original reasons. Today, I started a list of things that I miss about him, and I got over 50 in less than a class period. And I have more in my head.
The truth is, I'm the monster. The harder I try to fix something, the worse it gets. The more I love a person, the worse I hurt them. Is there a person I've encountered that I haven't injured? Doubtful.
Sadly, there is no conclusion to this. So much for a spaceship. However, I suppose I have avoided confessing to my horrible mistake, although it was a narrow escape.
<3 o.
- Say Hi To Your Mom
That is basically how I feel about this little situation I've someone been dragged into. Long story short: I have made a mistake. A really big mistake, and, no, I don't intend to share it. I won't even tell my best friend, so I see no reason to stick it on a public blog and risk anyone finding it.
So, moving on to the "spaceships" (that is to say, what we are going to talk about instead) ...
. . .
Problem. I don't have any spaceships. I have tried to write about multiple things here: fairy tales, Swan Lake, school, prom, music. Everything leads back to my problem: Han.
Han is a problem. I can't stand being away from him. But it's almost torture to be with him. Too much has happened and been happening for me to issue a full update. Let me think of a good way to put it.
Han and I had a relationship. It was a good relationship that we had built over time, and like anything that is built, it had a foundation. I don't know what exactly that foundation was, but I'll hazard a guess that it was a mixture of happiness, trust, and security. Well, over the last several weeks, the foundation seems to have started to crack. And continued to crack. Han would appear to want to maintain the relationship; however, he seems unwilling to fix the foundation. I suspect that he doesn't notice how damaged it is, or how necessary.
I could give you reasons and examples of how the foundation started it's cracking process, but I'll spare you. No, I'll spare myself. I don't even want to think about it, much less write about it. Do you know why? Because to write about it is to confirm it. It is to give the problem substance, an existence. Whereas, if it just stays in my brain, it could at some point vanish. That isn't the point. The point is this: Han has convinced me, multiple times, that we are over, done, finished, through. He has convinced me an equal number of times that we're destined, fated, and will be back together. So which do I believe?
Today he hugged me. In (semi) public. That is, on our way out of the classroom at school. At school! How long has it been since he showed an ounce of feeling for me at school? He also muttered that he loved me at school two or three times. And he drew a heart with a band-aid on it on my hand during class. Earlier tonight, I gave him a ride to the bowling alley, and on the way to the car, he had his arm around me and held me to him. He held me at his side. It felt so right!
In fact, there were only two discouraging things today: 1. Generally, when I go to pick Han up for school, he is still asleep. We usually have extra time, so I'll lay down on his bed and also go to sleep. And he always will eventually work his arms around me and pull me closer, or at least put an arm over or around me. We did this while we were dating, and we continued it after we broke up. Who knows why? Because we're idiots. Today, though, he didn't do that. I didn't even get to sleep because it bothered me so much that he didn't reach for me. 2. He's at the bowling alley and I have no way of contacting him. Okay, call me psycho. Keep in mind the last two times he went bowling: The one time, he hung up on me twice, as well as lied to his mom, to go bowling with Cheer (the girl who contributed largely, though not entirely intentionally, to our split and my great unhappiness - she was also played by Han nearly as much as I was in those weeks). The second time was at bowling practice, at which I will occasionally visit and watch, he insisted I leave and that he didn't like me watching (despite that we have bowled together before, and frequently), UNTIL everyone else had left - then he called my cell phone when I was on my way home, insisting he hadn't meant for me to GO and to come back, because everyone left. So, I'm really not thrilled about his being at the bowling alley without my being able to contact him.
Which is funny, because, you know, I really have no claim on him. Technically. And technically, he has no claim on me, either, but he is insanely possessive. If he so much suspects a guy is looking at me or interested in me, it's muttered threats and death glares. Don't you dare encroach on his unofficial territory. But, remember, little o., that don't you dare tell him what to do, because he is his own person! And he can do what he likes! And, by the way, when he's on the phone with you and he says that he "has to go," it really means that he's going to go, probably because he wants to. And don't protest - respect his wish to get off the phone. No matter how upset you are or how badly you need to talk with him. News Flash : I respect men who earn it, not demand it.
Don't consider him too big a jerk. He has not been so psycho of late. It's ironic, though, that he says we'll go back out once I'm happy again, since he hates it when I'm sad or I look sad - yet he is the main reason I am sad. I have never had any doubt before this that he was my prince - but a prince doesn't insist that the princess makes herself safe before he'll take her as his own. Most commonly, a prince will bring her to safety. Han used to do that. He's always hated to see me cry, but he used to do something about it. That is, he used to do something other than tell me to stop and sigh in an annoyed manner.
It's clear that he can't really handle me. Obviously, I stress him out, and he can't take care of me like he used to. And still he refuses to leave me alone. I've given him many an opportunity. I've told him to take the ring back. I've told him to just stay away because it will make his life so much easier. He simply won't do it.
I know that, up until now, I've made Han out to be a total monster. But he's not. It's said that you never know what you've got till it's gone, and I never knew the honesty of that statement. When we were going out, I tried to make a list of 101 things that I loved about Han. It took me a week or two to get 50 original reasons. Today, I started a list of things that I miss about him, and I got over 50 in less than a class period. And I have more in my head.
The truth is, I'm the monster. The harder I try to fix something, the worse it gets. The more I love a person, the worse I hurt them. Is there a person I've encountered that I haven't injured? Doubtful.
Sadly, there is no conclusion to this. So much for a spaceship. However, I suppose I have avoided confessing to my horrible mistake, although it was a narrow escape.
<3 o.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Already?
It's 2009. Congratulations, we have survived another year, only to take on a new one head-on.
It's times like these when I think, "Another year gone. Another year wasted." Because what have I accomplished this year? Nothing. I don't even remember last year's resolution, and I can tell you now that, whatever other goals I have set for myself throughout the year, have been abandoned and forgotten.
And to add to this feeling of doom-and-gloom, I am also facing the feeling of having lost two and a half years of my life with Han. Really wasted? It's hard to tell. Some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't. I believe that something good can come from everything that happens -- can. Not necessarily will. But I don't believe that everything happens for the sole purpose of that one thing that could happen as a result. Han still insists that we'll be back together, and soon. I've made it clear to him that he's going to have to work for it. Do I mean that? No. But does he know that? I hope not.
When Han and I first met, I had a very pessimistic, negative attitude towards men and love. I didn't want to date anyone. Ever. But especially that year -- that had been my New Year's Resolution that year. To stay single. Well, Han messed that one up. September of that year we were going out. I couldn't say no to him -- and I haven't been able to say no to him since.
That isn't saying it was easy for him to get me. I was not open to the idea of men at all, much less dating one, and he knew that. It took him a long time to befriend me, much less get up the nerve to ask me to do the one thing he knew I didn't really believe in -- to be with someone. When I say that Han has to work for it, I mean that I have a very similar attitude now. Men are cruel and manipulative and relationships always end badly. Han is going to have to start nearly completely over. He is going to have to work in order to regain trust and and access to love.
But I digress. I have gotten off-subject. In addition to all the confusion already in my life, we now have this: What is my resolution? Well, that depends on what I want, doesn't it? What do I want to be like? What do I want to do? What do I want? And I don't know. I don't know what I want.
I have wasted yet another year of my life. An entire year. And what can I do this year to ensure that I don't do it again? Little, I fear, other than to keep in mind that I don't want to waste it. And there -- I didn't have a resolution before, but I have found it now. I resolve to not waste my year. And how is that? After all, it is my philosophy, isn't it? The one I mentioned when I first started this blog? "Don't do nothing." So, I still don't know what I want to be like or what I want to do or anything else that I want. But I do know what I don't want. I don't want to waste another year of my life.
I could write more, but I am tired. Good night / morning, everyone. :] I hope that your New Year will be the beginning of something good.
<3 o.
It's times like these when I think, "Another year gone. Another year wasted." Because what have I accomplished this year? Nothing. I don't even remember last year's resolution, and I can tell you now that, whatever other goals I have set for myself throughout the year, have been abandoned and forgotten.
And to add to this feeling of doom-and-gloom, I am also facing the feeling of having lost two and a half years of my life with Han. Really wasted? It's hard to tell. Some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't. I believe that something good can come from everything that happens -- can. Not necessarily will. But I don't believe that everything happens for the sole purpose of that one thing that could happen as a result. Han still insists that we'll be back together, and soon. I've made it clear to him that he's going to have to work for it. Do I mean that? No. But does he know that? I hope not.
When Han and I first met, I had a very pessimistic, negative attitude towards men and love. I didn't want to date anyone. Ever. But especially that year -- that had been my New Year's Resolution that year. To stay single. Well, Han messed that one up. September of that year we were going out. I couldn't say no to him -- and I haven't been able to say no to him since.
That isn't saying it was easy for him to get me. I was not open to the idea of men at all, much less dating one, and he knew that. It took him a long time to befriend me, much less get up the nerve to ask me to do the one thing he knew I didn't really believe in -- to be with someone. When I say that Han has to work for it, I mean that I have a very similar attitude now. Men are cruel and manipulative and relationships always end badly. Han is going to have to start nearly completely over. He is going to have to work in order to regain trust and and access to love.
But I digress. I have gotten off-subject. In addition to all the confusion already in my life, we now have this: What is my resolution? Well, that depends on what I want, doesn't it? What do I want to be like? What do I want to do? What do I want? And I don't know. I don't know what I want.
I have wasted yet another year of my life. An entire year. And what can I do this year to ensure that I don't do it again? Little, I fear, other than to keep in mind that I don't want to waste it. And there -- I didn't have a resolution before, but I have found it now. I resolve to not waste my year. And how is that? After all, it is my philosophy, isn't it? The one I mentioned when I first started this blog? "Don't do nothing." So, I still don't know what I want to be like or what I want to do or anything else that I want. But I do know what I don't want. I don't want to waste another year of my life.
I could write more, but I am tired. Good night / morning, everyone. :] I hope that your New Year will be the beginning of something good.
<3 o.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
The True and Outstanding Adventures
"The True and Outstanding Adventures of the Hunt Sisters" is a grand and magnificent book. It follows the story of Olivia Hunt as she tries desperately to keep together her unravelling life, and her sister, Madeline Hunt, who is fighting vainly and ferociously against the leukemia and treatments that are wearing her closer to death. Olivia Hunt is somewhat of a pessimist, but she is also a fighter. Maddie, as Madeline is called, is an optimist, and a very idealistic one at that. This drives Olivia insane. Olivia is willing to fight where she thinks it might work, or where Maddie shames her into action, but she does not believe in helping everyone that she can or fighting needlessly or anything romantic like that.
Olivia is also working, throughout this book, on a movie adaptation of Don Quixote. Now, I have never read Don Quixote, but here is what I gather from what I've read about it: Don Quixote is basically crazy and reads nothing but books about chivalry and knighthood. He decides to become a knight, and he picks this random farmer, Sancho Panza, to be his squire. So they ride around, and Sancho takes care of Quixote while he is doing crazy things, like attacking windmills and freeing criminals -- all for the sake of love and good. At the end of the book, Quixote is dying, and he renounces all of his actions and beliefs -- about heroism, chivalry, and whatnot. He says that he knew everything he was doing was nonsense and that he had done it anyway for the sake of those good things, but now he was renouncing it. Sancho can't stand to hear Quixote say this, because, even though the things Quixote did were crazy, and somewhat pointless, Sancho has become infected with the ideals of heroism, bravery, and doing good. So even after Quixote has died, and renounced his own knighthood, those beliefs live on in Sancho Panza.
And that is kind of what happens with Olivia and Maddie. After Maddie dies, Olivia finds a note from her that says Maddie knew all along that she couldn't beat the cancer, and that she knew it was a helpless cause. She said she fought anyway, for the sake of fighting, and for being brave, and for others. Olivia, despite being a pessimist, starts to realize the point of fighting a losing battle -- not for the victory, but for the qualities you stand for in your fight.
I have a point. I'm getting there.
I live in reality. I'm a pessimist by nature. Bad things happen -- bad things are about the only thing that happen. I am convinced. But, I was raised on fairy tales, and I love them. I am an optimistic pessimist. I believe that everything is, by nature, evil. But I have this weak, pulsing, thing inside me that hopes that some things might defy their evil nature and make good.
It's a false hope. As with this situation with Han, the hope doesn't belong there. No matter if he says he loves me, no matter if I love him, no matter how hard I fight for hope of fixing this -- it won't happen. It's futile to fight, in this case.
And yet, and yet... there's that hope. That naturally shiny thing that the fairy tales have carved into me, and that little silver life line that Han has thrown to me by saying that he would like to come back to me and that he still loves me. The pessimist in me knows that that is probably not true. But that isn't enough to severe that life line. Because I hope what he said is true.
So is it time for Don Quixote to lay down his spear and set aside his armor and renounce his battles for love and goodness and the victory of all that is right? Or does he continue battling to keep the hope of those things alive?
<3 o.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
A Post Which Does Not Readily Suggest A Title
Today is November 4, 2008 - It is election day.
That is not relevent to this post in any way, other than the fact that I got little to no sleep last night, thus ensuring that I will probably be more honest than I should be while typing this, and will probably regret it later. But that was the point of this blog was it not? To give me a place to put the things that I would regret later.
Let's talk about Senor. I care about him. I don't mean kisses and snuggles and marriage and whispers and giggles and blushing love... I mean that I care about him, and that I hate seeing him suffer, and I really want to keep him from pain. I don't believe that any of my feelings for him qualify as romantic, but I'll be honest - I want desperately to hug him. I constantly feel the urge to put my arms around him and rest a hand his head and tell him to relax - it really will be okay, I promise! I'll make sure that it will be okay! And today when I saw the cuts on his arm, I just wanted to cry and wipe off each mark - not affectionately, but maybe like a mother might tend a fallen child's knee. I am not sure I am doing a good job of explaining this, but I know that it has to be explained. I absolutely cannot bear it anymore.
I know that if Han knew how I felt, it would probably crush him. I'm not sure if he would have good reason to feel crushed or not - does this qualify as emotional disloyalty? I would never, ever want to cheat on Han in any form. I've had in the past, and I suppose I still have, doubts about the stability of our relationship, and some of them may be connected in some indirect way to Senor... but I don't believe that I want to replace Han with Senor at all. I don't think I would even be able to if I tried. That is not to belittle Senor - Han would not be easy to replace. I treasure and cherish him dearly. He is amazing in every way. I would regret losing him for any reason.
But I am starting to wonder if losing Han is inevitable. No - I am starting to believe that it is inevitable. And I am starting to wonder how I feel about it. Am I alright with that, and trying to convince myself that I am devastated? Or am I devastated, trying to convince myself that I'm alright? Can I prevent it? Do I want to? Of course I can prevent it, within reason - I am in control of my life. The question (for the most part) is how hard I am willing work to prevent it.
And then I don't want to think about it.
How will my friends react? How will his friends react? How will my parents react? How will I answer their questions? What reasons will I give to people? What will I do with my solitude? Will I stay single? Will I get another boyfriend? If I do, what kind? If I don't, how do I say 'no'? What will I do with my Friday nights? What if I never find someone equal to him again? What if it is the biggest mistake I ever make? What if it is even just in the top five? Are there expectations that people have if I break up with him? Do they expect me to spend more time with them once we're apart? Am I using him as a shield?
What if I stay with Han, and I miss out on helping people that need help? What if I stay with him and end up with him instead of someone else I should have been with? What if I miss other opportunities? In careers? In love? In friendship? In education? In art? In literature? What am I sacrificing by maintaining this relationship? Do I need him? What if I do? Is that a weakness, or just part of being human? Are there things about Han that I don't know? That I don't realize I don't know because I'm biased? Am I limiting him in ways that I don't realize? Am I keeping him from other opportunities? In love, friendship, careers, art, travel, or anything else?
As for Senor... he says he loves me. Han would pitch a fit if he knew that Senor "loves" me, and I can't even imagine how he would react if he knew that I knew that Senor "loves" me. It matters very little to me how Senor feels about me... all I care about is that he doesn't dislike me. I don't think he truly loves me. I think he has been neglected by his family and the rest of society... I think that attention and loyalty I've displayed is something he isn't accustomed to. I think he doesn't realize how unremarkable I am; Once he does, I'm sure his "love" will lessen significantly. Until then, I am only slightly concerned; I do not want him to misinterpret my feelings for him. I do not me to misinterpret my feelings for him.
Don't assume that I'm doing that. Or that there is a high risk of me doing it. I only mean that there is a lot of love in me, and not much self-control. I'm not very good at explaining this. I'm just afraid that once other people start questioning my intentions, I will start to question myself. There is no risk of this while I'm with Han. One has nothing to worry about there. Only I'm afraid that if Han and I were to break up, would Senor think that I broke up with Han in part because of Senor? I don't want anyone to think that - I would never do that. I would never break up with one person for another person. But that would be one likely beginning of Senor misinterpretting my actions.
And then I start to worry - Am I using Han? Am I hiding behind him? Am I only with him to avoid complications between me and other people?
<3 o.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Sometimes You Gotta RUN
When I was in Junior High, and for a little bit of High School, I ran Cross Country. I really, really enjoyed it. I am not going to bother trying to explain the joy I got from running. I was not the best runner, but I was far from the worst. As in life, I guess you could say I was sort of the leader of the losers. :P One of my favorite parts of Cross Country was always being able to push myself. It wasn't a team sport, it was for individual improvement; I could push myself as hard as I wanted, and didn't have to limit myself to others.
The point being: I have always loved to run, and I have always pushed myself.
In school, and really in every part of my life, I always push myself to do my best. For myself, for others, whatever. It doesn't matter if someone is benefitting from it or if I just want to make someone proud or to impress them or prove that I am trying. I always am pushing myself. Academically, socially, emotionally, mentally, physically, always pushing. I get farther in some areas than in others.
I am afraid that it isn't getting me as far as I wanted, and I am getting tired. I am tired of pushing myself, but every time I slow down, I lose so much confidence. I think I have started to define myself a little by my efforts to always improve. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Improvement is good, and improving is good, but taking a break every once in a while... that is reasonable, and I shouldn't get down on myself for needing it.
But yet I do.
I try to do too much. I am trying to fill too many roles.
Examples.
Senor wants to be with me. Han wants to be with me. I want to be with Han. But I want to be alone. I don't want to break up with Han, but everything is so hard. I want to be friends with Senor. But I don't want to be with Senor. I don't want to be with anyone. But didn't I just say a few sentences ago that I want to be with Han? I do want to be with Han. I love Han.
I am confused. I think I've been pushing myself so hard, that I no longer know what I want.
Except that: I have never wanted to run more than I do right now. Not on a track, and not on a trail. I just want to run, and run and run and run until I am too tired to run back.
<3 o.
The point being: I have always loved to run, and I have always pushed myself.
In school, and really in every part of my life, I always push myself to do my best. For myself, for others, whatever. It doesn't matter if someone is benefitting from it or if I just want to make someone proud or to impress them or prove that I am trying. I always am pushing myself. Academically, socially, emotionally, mentally, physically, always pushing. I get farther in some areas than in others.
I am afraid that it isn't getting me as far as I wanted, and I am getting tired. I am tired of pushing myself, but every time I slow down, I lose so much confidence. I think I have started to define myself a little by my efforts to always improve. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Improvement is good, and improving is good, but taking a break every once in a while... that is reasonable, and I shouldn't get down on myself for needing it.
But yet I do.
I try to do too much. I am trying to fill too many roles.
Examples.
Senor wants to be with me. Han wants to be with me. I want to be with Han. But I want to be alone. I don't want to break up with Han, but everything is so hard. I want to be friends with Senor. But I don't want to be with Senor. I don't want to be with anyone. But didn't I just say a few sentences ago that I want to be with Han? I do want to be with Han. I love Han.
I am confused. I think I've been pushing myself so hard, that I no longer know what I want.
Except that: I have never wanted to run more than I do right now. Not on a track, and not on a trail. I just want to run, and run and run and run until I am too tired to run back.
<3 o.
Monday, October 20, 2008
So Unnaturally Myself... Or Naturally Not Myself?
Lately, I have cared less and less about me. And I don't mean that in the morbid, depressing, "I don't care about my life; I wish I would die; I'm so worthless" way. It is a little harder to explain.
I don't really know how.
Basically, I am not myself, but I like it.
All my life, I have been abrasive, somewhat anti-social, stubborn, and pretty selfish. I am not a people person by nature. But lately, I have become more and more drawn to people, in an interesting way. I believe I've mentioned before that I want to help people... lately I've wanted to badly to do that. Senor is one situation. I don't care how he feels about me. Does he have a crush on me? Does he not? I don't care. He needs help, he wants help, but he confesses that he doesn't feel valuable enough to ask for it. I want so desperately to help.
This goes so much against my "natural" personality. Yet, it's my instinctive desire, to help. Needless to say, I'm pretty confused.
Most of my life, I've been spiteful and sarcastic towards people. Now I'm suddenly trying to look at things from different angles and perspectives, trying to figure out if there are reasons they are behaving like that - I'm asking if they need help, in case they don't know how to ask for it. What is going on with me?!
Despite how completely insane and weird and totally unnaturally instinctive I'm being, I kind of like it. Even though a few people give me weird looks, my hugs are occasionally accepted, and I think that maybe I have made an impact on Senor's life - it may only be very small so far, because we haven't known each other very long, but I think I might have. Even though I have always claimed to "hate people," I think I might enjoy being loving.
Okay, there's no think about it. I know that I like it. I love it. I want to be like this forever. I want to be the person that people know they can come to when they have a problem and talk to or just get a hug or even just show up at their house late at night if something really bad happens. I know that it sounds totally dorky and maybe even unrealistic, but can you imagine what kind of person I would be? Loving, understanding, patient, helpful, peaceful, kind, generous, faithful, hopeful... basically all the qualities that I've always admired in other people.
Here's the main problem: I want to always be completely available to help anyone who needs it, and that is just not possible while I am dating Han. I love Han. I do. He has pieces of me that I don't want to separate from, and breaking up with him would tear me apart. But... he can be very possessive. I know he doesn't mean to be, but I don't foresee, and I can't even imagine, this working out. He does not like me spending excessive amounts of time with lots of other people; he starts to feel neglected, like I'm tired of him.
I don't want to leave Han. I love Han! But I can't ignore my unnatural instinct to help people. I'll be forever scared that, if I ignore an urge to help someone because of upsetting Han, someone will go on hurting because I limited myself too much to reach out to them.
I don't know what to do. Han would have to loosen the reins a bit for this to work - not just in time-spending, but physically, also. He'd have to be comfortable with me talking to other people.
I know this sounds like a totally weird thought process. What are you talking about, little o?
I'm not sure. I think my brain is going to explode from all the thoughts racing through it! Can anyone else make sense of this?!
<3>
p.s. : EDIT
Since this has been written, I've changed my mind. I want to be with Han now and always and I'd give up anything for that.
I don't really know how.
Basically, I am not myself, but I like it.
All my life, I have been abrasive, somewhat anti-social, stubborn, and pretty selfish. I am not a people person by nature. But lately, I have become more and more drawn to people, in an interesting way. I believe I've mentioned before that I want to help people... lately I've wanted to badly to do that. Senor is one situation. I don't care how he feels about me. Does he have a crush on me? Does he not? I don't care. He needs help, he wants help, but he confesses that he doesn't feel valuable enough to ask for it. I want so desperately to help.
This goes so much against my "natural" personality. Yet, it's my instinctive desire, to help. Needless to say, I'm pretty confused.
Most of my life, I've been spiteful and sarcastic towards people. Now I'm suddenly trying to look at things from different angles and perspectives, trying to figure out if there are reasons they are behaving like that - I'm asking if they need help, in case they don't know how to ask for it. What is going on with me?!
Despite how completely insane and weird and totally unnaturally instinctive I'm being, I kind of like it. Even though a few people give me weird looks, my hugs are occasionally accepted, and I think that maybe I have made an impact on Senor's life - it may only be very small so far, because we haven't known each other very long, but I think I might have. Even though I have always claimed to "hate people," I think I might enjoy being loving.
Okay, there's no think about it. I know that I like it. I love it. I want to be like this forever. I want to be the person that people know they can come to when they have a problem and talk to or just get a hug or even just show up at their house late at night if something really bad happens. I know that it sounds totally dorky and maybe even unrealistic, but can you imagine what kind of person I would be? Loving, understanding, patient, helpful, peaceful, kind, generous, faithful, hopeful... basically all the qualities that I've always admired in other people.
Here's the main problem: I want to always be completely available to help anyone who needs it, and that is just not possible while I am dating Han. I love Han. I do. He has pieces of me that I don't want to separate from, and breaking up with him would tear me apart. But... he can be very possessive. I know he doesn't mean to be, but I don't foresee, and I can't even imagine, this working out. He does not like me spending excessive amounts of time with lots of other people; he starts to feel neglected, like I'm tired of him.
I don't want to leave Han. I love Han! But I can't ignore my unnatural instinct to help people. I'll be forever scared that, if I ignore an urge to help someone because of upsetting Han, someone will go on hurting because I limited myself too much to reach out to them.
I don't know what to do. Han would have to loosen the reins a bit for this to work - not just in time-spending, but physically, also. He'd have to be comfortable with me talking to other people.
I know this sounds like a totally weird thought process. What are you talking about, little o?
I'm not sure. I think my brain is going to explode from all the thoughts racing through it! Can anyone else make sense of this?!
<3>
p.s. : EDIT
Since this has been written, I've changed my mind. I want to be with Han now and always and I'd give up anything for that.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Drama Is Life With The Dull Bits Cut Out.
-Sir Alfred Joseph Hitchcock
And let me tell you, all of my dull bits have been cut out! I don't think my mind ever has a moment's peace.
I don't know if I even want to write about this. I know most people would find what I would write about to be insignificant, whiny, and overdramatic.
So let me remind you: Yes, it is dramatic. But that's life. And just because it's dramatic doesn't make the emotions any less real. So if you are prone to mocking those who become upset when put in complicated situations... stop reading now.
I love Han. Thankfully, he has lessened his attack on my friendship with Senor. Unfortunately, Senor has increased his feelings for me. I didn't think something like this would ever happen. It is a surreal, unlikely, and devastating situation. I merely want to be friends with Senor; he has had a miserable upbringing, and his home life is literally nonexistant. He is in need of a good friend and a good influence; I want to be that influence. A lot of people don't notice him, or if they do, it is not in a positive way. However,
Everyone has some light somewhere. And light is always worth fighting for.
-Fix-It God, Joan of Arcadia Season 1
Well, it didn't take long before I was pretty sure I'd found his "light." He's a sweet guy. He has his downfalls, but doesn't everyone? He is low on the criticism and heavy on the compliments. In the battle between good and evil, he would fight for good. He loves love.
Here's the problem. When you're the only person to see another person's light, they tend to think that you're something special for some reason. Newsflash: I'm not. But Senor thinks I am. He's completely fallen for me, and he doesn't really try to hide it. He's promised to try not to make things difficult for me, but I think he's pretty affection/attention-starved.
I don't want a romantic relationship with Senor. I don't know if I want a romantic relationship at all.
I love Han to pieces. I do. But right now, I feel like I'm being torn apart at the seams. I don't feel happy enough to be affectionate towards anyone, and that means I'm disappointing him greatly. We've been having problems for a few months, but it's hard to pinpoint exactly what they are. Honestly, I think these problems are me - I have been feeling so out of sorts. Nothing I do make sense. My actions and mood swings are beyond my normal level of bizarre.
To be completely honest, I would love nothing more right now than to hole myself up in my bedroom and never see or talk to anyone again for several months.
I can't explain this feeling.
The stress of Senor? Maybe. Although honestly, his crush doesn't bother me. He'll get over that in little to no time. What bothers me is knowing that his little crush is a disappointment waiting to happen.
The conflicts with Han? Perhaps. No one likes negativity - not really. But avoiding it would only make it worse. I would feel much better if we were able to talk it out and get it settled, and I know that.
So why the sudden aversion to people and to connections in general? Normally, I would be talking to Elsa about this - I am talking to her about right now - but I don't want to talk. I just want to think. By myself. All on my own.
Which was the point of this blog anyway, wasn't it?
I don't know. I'm so confused. I've always wanted to help people - I've always put the well-being of others ahead of my own, within reason, and sometimes without reason. That is not to say that I've never acted selfishly. But when given the chance to think it through, I will very, very rarely act for the good of me over someone else.
Suddenly, I just want to hide from everyone I care about. And who care about me. I just want to get away. I feel trapped by my connections. How can that be? They used to always make me feel safe.
<3 o.
And let me tell you, all of my dull bits have been cut out! I don't think my mind ever has a moment's peace.
I don't know if I even want to write about this. I know most people would find what I would write about to be insignificant, whiny, and overdramatic.
So let me remind you: Yes, it is dramatic. But that's life. And just because it's dramatic doesn't make the emotions any less real. So if you are prone to mocking those who become upset when put in complicated situations... stop reading now.
I love Han. Thankfully, he has lessened his attack on my friendship with Senor. Unfortunately, Senor has increased his feelings for me. I didn't think something like this would ever happen. It is a surreal, unlikely, and devastating situation. I merely want to be friends with Senor; he has had a miserable upbringing, and his home life is literally nonexistant. He is in need of a good friend and a good influence; I want to be that influence. A lot of people don't notice him, or if they do, it is not in a positive way. However,
Everyone has some light somewhere. And light is always worth fighting for.
-Fix-It God, Joan of Arcadia Season 1
Well, it didn't take long before I was pretty sure I'd found his "light." He's a sweet guy. He has his downfalls, but doesn't everyone? He is low on the criticism and heavy on the compliments. In the battle between good and evil, he would fight for good. He loves love.
Here's the problem. When you're the only person to see another person's light, they tend to think that you're something special for some reason. Newsflash: I'm not. But Senor thinks I am. He's completely fallen for me, and he doesn't really try to hide it. He's promised to try not to make things difficult for me, but I think he's pretty affection/attention-starved.
I don't want a romantic relationship with Senor. I don't know if I want a romantic relationship at all.
I love Han to pieces. I do. But right now, I feel like I'm being torn apart at the seams. I don't feel happy enough to be affectionate towards anyone, and that means I'm disappointing him greatly. We've been having problems for a few months, but it's hard to pinpoint exactly what they are. Honestly, I think these problems are me - I have been feeling so out of sorts. Nothing I do make sense. My actions and mood swings are beyond my normal level of bizarre.
To be completely honest, I would love nothing more right now than to hole myself up in my bedroom and never see or talk to anyone again for several months.
I can't explain this feeling.
The stress of Senor? Maybe. Although honestly, his crush doesn't bother me. He'll get over that in little to no time. What bothers me is knowing that his little crush is a disappointment waiting to happen.
The conflicts with Han? Perhaps. No one likes negativity - not really. But avoiding it would only make it worse. I would feel much better if we were able to talk it out and get it settled, and I know that.
So why the sudden aversion to people and to connections in general? Normally, I would be talking to Elsa about this - I am talking to her about right now - but I don't want to talk. I just want to think. By myself. All on my own.
Which was the point of this blog anyway, wasn't it?
I don't know. I'm so confused. I've always wanted to help people - I've always put the well-being of others ahead of my own, within reason, and sometimes without reason. That is not to say that I've never acted selfishly. But when given the chance to think it through, I will very, very rarely act for the good of me over someone else.
Suddenly, I just want to hide from everyone I care about. And who care about me. I just want to get away. I feel trapped by my connections. How can that be? They used to always make me feel safe.
<3 o.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Long Time, No See
Since the scholarship campaign has ended, I thought I might as well update.
A lot has been going on, I think.
Last night, I went to bed at 6 p.m., and I didn't get up until 6:30 the next morning. I wasn't even that tired.
I finished my essay over the media's effects on girls, and I recieved a 100% on my narrative essay.
I also have made a new friend in my Japanese class, whom I call Senor Raggamuffin Von Stalker Dude. I am not sure that I know his real name. He's tall and skinny and has long, curly-ish black hair that is dyed. I'm pretty sure that it is naturally brown - but I can understand the desire to dye brown hair. My hair is brown, and sometimes I feel so unexotic. Anyway. He's very, very nice, but seems to have some self-esteem problems, maybe even some that counter my own!
Unfortunately, Han is less than thrilled by this developement. He has been in and out of bad moods lately because he is jealous of my conversations with Senor during Japanese. I've talked to him about, and he says it's fine, he trusts me, and that if he can have girl friends, I should be allowed to have guy friends, but every time he sees Senor, he gets all... glares and pouts. I don't know what to do. Senor has few friends and is very kind, and it would be very unfair to neglect him when he's done nothing wrong, but I hate it when Han is unhappy.
Also, today I was talking to Senor in Japanese on the computer, and, technically, we weren't breaking any rules. We were being quiet, doing our work, and the site we were on wasn't blocked. Also, Mrs. Brink usually is very friendly and understanding, but today she threatened to write us both up (via writing across our screens from her teacher-station control computer thing). I would have understood it if we weren't working, but we were both doing what we were supposed to be doing. And did she really have to threaten us? Couldn't she have just been nice about it and asked us to please stop talking and focus more? If we'd broken any rules, it would be different, but we didn't.
Another unhappy instance.
I have this habit that if someone does something that really annoys me, I kind of swat at their face, like a pretend slap. But really, if you can imagine the force you might use to wave a fly away from your face, it is lighter than that. Generally, the tips of my fingers just barely brush their cheek, and it's kind of my way of saying, "Please stop, or I'll probably get really upset."
Another thing is, I hate, hate, hate hunting. I don't know why. I love meat, and I know there's nothing really wrong with hunting, but I hate it when people talk about it like it doesn't even matter that the animals were alive. Well, Han's, ex-friend, Jan, was talking about how much fun hunting was, and I said, "Oh, stop it!" and swatted at her face, as is my habit. Honestly, I barely touched her, if I touched her at all, because she leaned back. Well the next thing I know, she's running around telling people that I slapped her across the face and that she wants to punch me.
I have never really liked Jan before, but it's to the point now that if she weren't 2 or 3 times my size, I might really slap her. She'd deserve it. She's incredibly rude, and now there are rumors flying around that I'm slapping people, when I would never do something like that. I mean, maybe if someone attacked me or something, I'd probably hit them. That's different.
Anyway, the point is, I'm seriously ticked off. Han is having weirdo moodswings. I want to be friends with Senor. Mrs. Brink was nice, and now she's psycho (Something I'd like to talk more about later). Jan is making my high school life miserable. My headache meds aren't helping anymore - I still get headaches every day. I am sleeping even more than I used to. I can barely keep up with my role as Publicity Designer in Drama.
I'm pretty sure that my brain is going to implode from all the pressure being put on it.
Oh wait. One good thing: I won Most Artistic Senior Spotlight for girls. But, I have to share it with Tony. I don't like Tony. I think I've mentioned that before. I'd rather share it with Han; he's more creative than Tony is anyway.
I've missed you all. I hope I have the energy and will to update more. :]
I hope you are all doing lovely!
<3 o.
A lot has been going on, I think.
Last night, I went to bed at 6 p.m., and I didn't get up until 6:30 the next morning. I wasn't even that tired.
I finished my essay over the media's effects on girls, and I recieved a 100% on my narrative essay.
I also have made a new friend in my Japanese class, whom I call Senor Raggamuffin Von Stalker Dude. I am not sure that I know his real name. He's tall and skinny and has long, curly-ish black hair that is dyed. I'm pretty sure that it is naturally brown - but I can understand the desire to dye brown hair. My hair is brown, and sometimes I feel so unexotic. Anyway. He's very, very nice, but seems to have some self-esteem problems, maybe even some that counter my own!
Unfortunately, Han is less than thrilled by this developement. He has been in and out of bad moods lately because he is jealous of my conversations with Senor during Japanese. I've talked to him about, and he says it's fine, he trusts me, and that if he can have girl friends, I should be allowed to have guy friends, but every time he sees Senor, he gets all... glares and pouts. I don't know what to do. Senor has few friends and is very kind, and it would be very unfair to neglect him when he's done nothing wrong, but I hate it when Han is unhappy.
Also, today I was talking to Senor in Japanese on the computer, and, technically, we weren't breaking any rules. We were being quiet, doing our work, and the site we were on wasn't blocked. Also, Mrs. Brink usually is very friendly and understanding, but today she threatened to write us both up (via writing across our screens from her teacher-station control computer thing). I would have understood it if we weren't working, but we were both doing what we were supposed to be doing. And did she really have to threaten us? Couldn't she have just been nice about it and asked us to please stop talking and focus more? If we'd broken any rules, it would be different, but we didn't.
Another unhappy instance.
I have this habit that if someone does something that really annoys me, I kind of swat at their face, like a pretend slap. But really, if you can imagine the force you might use to wave a fly away from your face, it is lighter than that. Generally, the tips of my fingers just barely brush their cheek, and it's kind of my way of saying, "Please stop, or I'll probably get really upset."
Another thing is, I hate, hate, hate hunting. I don't know why. I love meat, and I know there's nothing really wrong with hunting, but I hate it when people talk about it like it doesn't even matter that the animals were alive. Well, Han's, ex-friend, Jan, was talking about how much fun hunting was, and I said, "Oh, stop it!" and swatted at her face, as is my habit. Honestly, I barely touched her, if I touched her at all, because she leaned back. Well the next thing I know, she's running around telling people that I slapped her across the face and that she wants to punch me.
I have never really liked Jan before, but it's to the point now that if she weren't 2 or 3 times my size, I might really slap her. She'd deserve it. She's incredibly rude, and now there are rumors flying around that I'm slapping people, when I would never do something like that. I mean, maybe if someone attacked me or something, I'd probably hit them. That's different.
Anyway, the point is, I'm seriously ticked off. Han is having weirdo moodswings. I want to be friends with Senor. Mrs. Brink was nice, and now she's psycho (Something I'd like to talk more about later). Jan is making my high school life miserable. My headache meds aren't helping anymore - I still get headaches every day. I am sleeping even more than I used to. I can barely keep up with my role as Publicity Designer in Drama.
I'm pretty sure that my brain is going to implode from all the pressure being put on it.
Oh wait. One good thing: I won Most Artistic Senior Spotlight for girls. But, I have to share it with Tony. I don't like Tony. I think I've mentioned that before. I'd rather share it with Han; he's more creative than Tony is anyway.
I've missed you all. I hope I have the energy and will to update more. :]
I hope you are all doing lovely!
<3 o.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
A Variety Of Topics For This Post
Firstly, I want to apologize for not updating recently and for not being overly active (or really very active at all) in my commenting. I do read most posts within a day or two of them being posted.
Secondly: After a rather stressful chain of events this afternoon after school (which involved Han, a library, and oreos), I stormed out to my truck, entirely intent on either doing myself serious physical harm, throwing things until I was instituted, or refusing to move or speak for a week. You think I'm exaggerating, well I'm not. Fortunately, I fell asleep, and Han was there when I woke up. I will admit that part of my tantrum was due to the events of 7th hour (Drama), which I will relate to you momentarily. And part of it was the library situation. Most of it, though, was left over distress from school, which only managed to manifest itself into an expressible form about the time we were at the library...
And now: Today. It was horrid. First, my sister and I nearly got killed by a semi. He was going about 35-40 in a 60 zone, and I was coming up behind him at 60, so I switched lanes. Right after I switched lanes, he put on his turn signal and pulled into my lane in front me. Keep in mind that I am gaining on him this entire time. It was incredibly close, but I was able to get back into the other lane. But oh man, it scared the crap out of me. And then the rest of the day went okay (oh except that I forgot all my pencils and makeup at home... but Mom brought that to school for me) until 7th hour.
First I think I need to tell you: I was very disappointed in the choice of play that my class voted on. It is about an airplane full of people whose pilot is brainwashed by an alien who makes him crash land in the Bermuda Triangle, where they meet "natives" that are actually aliens who have come to stop the brainwashing alien. It is somewhat humorous, but has no plot or theme--and I need things to have a theme. If there is no theme, I don't see a purpose for it, and I am not interested in it. But after much deliberation, I decided I could cope with it. It would be fun and a good way to relax--and there's still the publicity crew.
Today I was told I'd be the head of the publicity crew. I was really happy--we're in charge of the posters, advertisements, programs, t-shirts, all that. I was really excited, because in the last few years I have been VERY disappointed in the t-shirts. I saw this as my opportunity to actually have a say in something and make sure it was good.
Yeah well nevermind that. Have I ever told you before how much I loathe Tony? I will someday. For now, all you need to know is that he's a jerk, he's not on the publicity crew, he punched me in the stomach in kindergarten, and he thinks he's hot artistic stuff because his grandpa can paint. So what does he do? He draws his own idea for t-shirt design or whatever, which consists of the following: the cover that came on the script (an island, a spaceship, and a plane) with a big alien's head behind it. Then he came over and was like, "Look what I drew." I'd have less of a problem with this if: A. It looked good, or B. He'd signed up for publicity crew. But he didn't sign up--meaning he should have stayed with his group and kept his ugly head out of mine. And in addition, everyone loved his really ugly, unoriginal design. I know it's hard to believe that everyone would love an ugly design, but it's true. So there went my hopes of having attractive t-shirts. And it's not only that--it's that those were my responsibility, not to mention my only chance to have any creative outlet, or any say-so at all, and it was totally snatched.
It seems to me like any time I want something, do something, or suggest something, it is either ignored or upstaged. Every time.
It is so very frustrating. I usually love entering Project eXcel with drawings and poetry, but I've never won, and now I'm not sure that I want to even try. I've been working for a little while on some illustrations for a scholarship--but judging by the reaction I get to my work and ideas from most people, I don't know if it's worth it. It's very discouraging, and I'm about sick of trying.
Another example, and no offense to Elsa: but in her yearbook class, the Photoshop instructor noticed that she was familiar with Photoshop and offered to let her teach a 1-hour class for $100. What the heck is that about? A. She only has and can use Photoshop because I gave it to her, and I did help her some. I'm certain she would have learned it on her own with all the tutorials online, but I did help, and I provided tutorial sites for her as well. B. I am better at Photoshop than her. I don't mean to sound like I am putting her down, because she is very good. However, I do have more experience, and have done a larger variety of things with it. I don't believe there is a single feature or tool on the program that I have not used or at least played with. and C. I have tried for forever to get a job at various establishments doing various things... and she gets this incredibly amazing job offer just like that? How is that even the beginning of fair in any way? And for once, I do not want to hear, "She's in a wheelchair, she should get some advantages!" Everyone totally underestimates her--she is perfectly capable of applying to jobs. I understand that there are fewer jobs for her to apply for, so it's good for to get some kind of experience. But on the other hand, there are all kinds of jobs for me to apply for--and I do, but it doesn't work. It is very difficult to get a job in town, and it's very difficult to get a job out of town because of gas--and the only vehicle at my disposal is a 14-mile-per-gallon truck that is highly unreliable. So, I've been working my freaking butt off trying to get a job. And that is just incredibly frustrating. I don't blame Elsa at all, but I have to say I am somewhere between outraged and insanly envious. Because it's again: I am gone completely unacknowledged. Completely.
I don't like to be ignored. I don't. I freaking hate it and it seems to be the story of my life. I can't possibly live up to Emily's reputation of perfection, can't win a single art contest (despite my friends' claims that I am "really good"), can't even get a job, and continue to go completely unobserved in any and all other areas--even when I am in charge.
I could just scream, if only my walls were thick enough for it to go unnoticed.
<3 o.
Secondly: After a rather stressful chain of events this afternoon after school (which involved Han, a library, and oreos), I stormed out to my truck, entirely intent on either doing myself serious physical harm, throwing things until I was instituted, or refusing to move or speak for a week. You think I'm exaggerating, well I'm not. Fortunately, I fell asleep, and Han was there when I woke up. I will admit that part of my tantrum was due to the events of 7th hour (Drama), which I will relate to you momentarily. And part of it was the library situation. Most of it, though, was left over distress from school, which only managed to manifest itself into an expressible form about the time we were at the library...
And now: Today. It was horrid. First, my sister and I nearly got killed by a semi. He was going about 35-40 in a 60 zone, and I was coming up behind him at 60, so I switched lanes. Right after I switched lanes, he put on his turn signal and pulled into my lane in front me. Keep in mind that I am gaining on him this entire time. It was incredibly close, but I was able to get back into the other lane. But oh man, it scared the crap out of me. And then the rest of the day went okay (oh except that I forgot all my pencils and makeup at home... but Mom brought that to school for me) until 7th hour.
First I think I need to tell you: I was very disappointed in the choice of play that my class voted on. It is about an airplane full of people whose pilot is brainwashed by an alien who makes him crash land in the Bermuda Triangle, where they meet "natives" that are actually aliens who have come to stop the brainwashing alien. It is somewhat humorous, but has no plot or theme--and I need things to have a theme. If there is no theme, I don't see a purpose for it, and I am not interested in it. But after much deliberation, I decided I could cope with it. It would be fun and a good way to relax--and there's still the publicity crew.
Today I was told I'd be the head of the publicity crew. I was really happy--we're in charge of the posters, advertisements, programs, t-shirts, all that. I was really excited, because in the last few years I have been VERY disappointed in the t-shirts. I saw this as my opportunity to actually have a say in something and make sure it was good.
Yeah well nevermind that. Have I ever told you before how much I loathe Tony? I will someday. For now, all you need to know is that he's a jerk, he's not on the publicity crew, he punched me in the stomach in kindergarten, and he thinks he's hot artistic stuff because his grandpa can paint. So what does he do? He draws his own idea for t-shirt design or whatever, which consists of the following: the cover that came on the script (an island, a spaceship, and a plane) with a big alien's head behind it. Then he came over and was like, "Look what I drew." I'd have less of a problem with this if: A. It looked good, or B. He'd signed up for publicity crew. But he didn't sign up--meaning he should have stayed with his group and kept his ugly head out of mine. And in addition, everyone loved his really ugly, unoriginal design. I know it's hard to believe that everyone would love an ugly design, but it's true. So there went my hopes of having attractive t-shirts. And it's not only that--it's that those were my responsibility, not to mention my only chance to have any creative outlet, or any say-so at all, and it was totally snatched.
It seems to me like any time I want something, do something, or suggest something, it is either ignored or upstaged. Every time.
It is so very frustrating. I usually love entering Project eXcel with drawings and poetry, but I've never won, and now I'm not sure that I want to even try. I've been working for a little while on some illustrations for a scholarship--but judging by the reaction I get to my work and ideas from most people, I don't know if it's worth it. It's very discouraging, and I'm about sick of trying.
Another example, and no offense to Elsa: but in her yearbook class, the Photoshop instructor noticed that she was familiar with Photoshop and offered to let her teach a 1-hour class for $100. What the heck is that about? A. She only has and can use Photoshop because I gave it to her, and I did help her some. I'm certain she would have learned it on her own with all the tutorials online, but I did help, and I provided tutorial sites for her as well. B. I am better at Photoshop than her. I don't mean to sound like I am putting her down, because she is very good. However, I do have more experience, and have done a larger variety of things with it. I don't believe there is a single feature or tool on the program that I have not used or at least played with. and C. I have tried for forever to get a job at various establishments doing various things... and she gets this incredibly amazing job offer just like that? How is that even the beginning of fair in any way? And for once, I do not want to hear, "She's in a wheelchair, she should get some advantages!" Everyone totally underestimates her--she is perfectly capable of applying to jobs. I understand that there are fewer jobs for her to apply for, so it's good for to get some kind of experience. But on the other hand, there are all kinds of jobs for me to apply for--and I do, but it doesn't work. It is very difficult to get a job in town, and it's very difficult to get a job out of town because of gas--and the only vehicle at my disposal is a 14-mile-per-gallon truck that is highly unreliable. So, I've been working my freaking butt off trying to get a job. And that is just incredibly frustrating. I don't blame Elsa at all, but I have to say I am somewhere between outraged and insanly envious. Because it's again: I am gone completely unacknowledged. Completely.
I don't like to be ignored. I don't. I freaking hate it and it seems to be the story of my life. I can't possibly live up to Emily's reputation of perfection, can't win a single art contest (despite my friends' claims that I am "really good"), can't even get a job, and continue to go completely unobserved in any and all other areas--even when I am in charge.
I could just scream, if only my walls were thick enough for it to go unnoticed.
<3 o.
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