A Room Without Books Is Like A Body Without A Soul

-Marcus Tullius Cicero

Have I ever been more content, especially in the last several weeks, than I have been while roaming the shelves of our school's library? Probably not. I can think of very few things that bring me more joy than to select a book not-quite-at-random (I do have my own ill-defined standards) and to read some lines, paragraphs, or pages. I also like to take a look at its history; how often has it been checked out, when, and by whom? I am always sad when I find a book that has never been checked out. How sad! Sometimes, if I find a check-out card that is fairly full (of stamps, varied handwriting with different colored ink, and lots of names), or has a familiar name (such as that of a teacher's), or hasn't been checked out in a while (but was quite popular in 1978), I will steal the card. I suppose that, to these books, I am something like the Grim Reaper. What are these cards to these books? Their memories, their souls, their pasts? Are they grieved to be parted with the cards? Are they looking forward to a new card? Or are they just books who could really care less about the piece of cardstock in the pocket glued in their cover?

Whatever.

You know I love books, and I would never intentionally hurt their feelings. Books are the only reliable escape for me and so many others. Movies are good, yes, but they are over so quickly, and there are some things that you can capture in a book that you just can't get in a movie. It is difficult to explain - but if you have ever read such books as Wuthering Heights or The Thirteenth Tale or any book that delves deeper than just what happens, then you can understand. With a movie, it is hard to capture any more than just what happens. In a book, there are no such limits. Your mind isn't limited to just what happens. If you are lucky enough to have found a good book, you are consumed by what happens, why it happens, who these people are, why they are who they are, their interactions, their feelings, thoughts, questions, uncertainties... You can become completely lost in just one character of a good book, nevermind the all-involving story!

I love the characters. Every time I open a book, I can't wait to meet the characters. I am always looking for one to connect with, and once I do, I emulate them. I think I can honestly say that my personality is a mesh of the characters I have met, adored, and mimicked throughout my life. My stubbornness and fits of passion? Catherine Earnshaw/Linton. My ability to be manipulated and attraction to mystery? Christine Daae. My desire to shock and surprise and be strong? Felicity (Gemma Doyle Trilogy). My belief that you should always help if you can? Samantha (American Girls). May I point at that there are some contradictions in some of those qualities? That would account for my confusion. I am constantly trying to decide: Is it more desirable to be like this character or like this character? In each book, each character is presented as the most desirable... none of them are presented objectively. So trying to emulate all of them is a very confusing and self-contradicting process. Not even just self-contradicting, but other-character-contradicting.

Being wild and without inhibitions is intimidating, but intriguing. Being gentle and generous is defenseless, but offers an opportunity to be defended. Pessimism is unromantic in its negativity but romantic in its possibility to be denied and defeated. Optimism is unromantic in its lack of need, but romantic in its endless joy. I have spent my entire life reading, absorbing traits from all over the specturm, and observing their advantages. I want to be both ends of all spectrums - I can't be - but in any situation, I am instinctively moved to be both. This is confusing in oh-so-many ways. Not only am I confused now by what I want to be, by my lack of knowing which is better to be, but I am also confused by the fact that I don't know what I really am. Without the influence of any books or characters, where on these spectrums would I fall all on my own? I think it's too late to ever know for sure.

I have quoted Muriel Rukeyser before, in August, as having said, "The world is up of stories, not atoms." I want to remind you of the truth of that. I, for one, am certainly made up more of stories than atoms! I surely am not the only one. But, if I have to be made of anything other than atoms, stories are surely the best thing.

I have to admit that writing this post while sitting anywhere other than a library feels a tad bit like blasphemy; however, I have yet to encounter a library that will allow me to access my blog, and so I will simply have to cope.

<3>

Dream No Small Dreams

...for they have no power to move the hearts of men.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

# 1
I don't know if there is anything that would be more fun that working in Disneyland. Being a character, especially Alice, would be a dream come true, but even working with the entertainment and theater, character design, visual developement, or as a photographer would do the trick. It would be perfect if, during college, when I am apart from my friends, I could take a summer to go with Elsa and Han to live in California and work in Disneyland. And why not? Save up for a year or two, get a van or a truck, and rent a house. We can build ramps for Elsa, and if she's uncomfortable with us helping her with personal things, we can always hire a nurse (provided that we either save up enough or our parents would be willing to chip in). The hardest part, I think, would be guaranteeing ourselves a job in Disneyland. There are college programs, though, and we could always take advantage of that.

# 2
I would like a career that revolves largely around children and teenagers, possibly with some involvement in art as well. As far as children go, I wouldn't mind being a social case worker... I know that they are often fought against and disliked for taking children out of their homes, but I have seen too many children left in homes that were unsuitable, and someone has to do it. Pain that is inflicted on children is my least favorite kind, because children are so unable to defend themselves against it. I also would "enjoy" doing therapy with children from abusive homes, troubled youth, or people with personality/emotional disorders. Particularly when it comes to teenagers, my heart breaks for those who have such a loss of hope as to attempt suicide. I have a strangely strong desire to prevent it. As for the art, I think it would be great to do art therapy, or even make advances in that field (as it is fairly new), but if not, then I'll just do it on the side.

# 3
How long have I wanted to write a book? Several years. Writing seems to come naturally to me, based on teachers' comments and how easy it is for me to come up with stories. The real challenge is completing anything. Someday, I will write a book, maybe more than one. I can only hope that it will be good enough to be well-known and well-liked.

# 4
Of all the hurting people that I can think of, my heart goes out to two kinds in particular: Depressed teenagers (See # 2) and enslaved women and children. For a while now I have desperately wanted to go on some kind of trip to help somehow with the slave trade issue. I don't know how one goes about actually getting people out of slavery, but I would be much, much more than happy to help freed slaves develope the skills they need to build a life for themselves, whether it means reading/writing or an art form. I don't know if I can think of any other experience that sounds that gratifying.

# 5
I don't know how I feel about actually giving birth to a child. I am not very big and I am somewhat weak, but I still desperately want children, and I think that with my feelings for children born into bad environments, adoption seems like a good plan. I want to design and build a large house with my husband, with a really nice garden (on the roof, maybe?) and provide a good environment for children. I am scared half to death with the idea of not being able to raise a daughter or son correctly (a.k.a., my daughter sleeps around or my son is abusive), but I am too thrilled with the idea of providing a happy childhood to a child who would not have normally had one to let that hinder me... too much.

# 6
If there is ever a cure found for Elsa's condition, I'll be the first to help pay for it. And, as unlikely as it would ever be, if I ever find myself in the position to fund a large amount of research, it will be for her. I certainly can't imagine myself in her position, I'd be spiteful half the time and catatonic the other half, and it must be very difficult for her to keep cheerful sometimes.

# 7
To me, this seems more far-fetched than the last one, but I would really like to be known, at least a little, for my art. I don't know how one would go about doing that, but I can only hope that I will figure that out, as well as find the time and concentration to finish my "art" more often.

# 8
I want a big, beautiful wedding to share with the most perfect man ever. *coughHancough* It will be the most beautiful wedding that anyone has ever seen. The music will be perfect, the atmosphere will be perfect, the decor will be pure, elegant, and still unique. It's my only chance for a fairy tale, and I intend for it to be one. I'll design my own dress (and I will be a princess), I'll have a beautiful ice cream cake (complete with roses), and my ring will be simple, but graceful, with one (very, very shiny) diamond. Everything will just be... perfect. (Beware to anyone who tries to mess it up...)

<3 o.

This Is Not What I Have Been Thinking About

As of late, my brain has not been very well organized. In fact, it has been somewhat of a mess. It is as if my head is full of tiny, poorly-trained ballet dancers, and they are all intent on mastering the dance to a different song, so they are all leaping and twirling about to different music and running into each other, and then bickering about who was in whose way and why my slippers are better than yours and that is precisely the reason that you should learn my dance and turn off that silly music that you're hopping about to.

Needless to say, it has not been all that pleasant of an experience for me.

I have had many things I want to write about, which include my stress level, the book I am currently reading, why the world does not need a Grand Theft Auto 4, and my older sister. I am certain that I will discuss all these things in due time. However, I have decided that since I seem incapable of organizing my thoughts on any of these subjects, I will have to pick an entirely different topic.

Ahem. (I just cleared my throat.)

Presenting :

12 Things That You Probably Don't Know About Me Yet

1. Before I eat my m&m's, I arrange them in creative, map-like patterns. I start with the brown, and have red branch off a few directions off of that, then orange, yellow, green, and blue. I eat them from the inside out and always eat blue last.

2. I cannot turn a cartwheel. Okay, I turned one once when I was six. Once.

3. I sometimes sing what I mean to say, and it really isn't on purpose. It gets me some weird looks, particularly from check-out people and teachers.

4. When I was younger, I wanted to be an artist. I drew all the time, and I got really good. It's sad for me to admit that without the time that I use to have to practice, my skills are diminishing. I find myself going through old drawings saying, "Wow, I wish I could draw like that!"

5. Han Solo has been my hero since childhood, and he always will be. Indiana Jones is my second hero, a decision made before I even realized that they were both played by Harrison Ford. I try to ignore the fact that Indy is a player...

6. I think books are undeniably better than movies.

7. When I read books, I always pick favorite male and female characters. The male almost always inevitable turns out to be evil.

8. I have little to no respect for people who follow fads of any kind. I am a great believe in individuality, and that conformity should be avoided if at all possible. (By the way, it is always possible.)

9. The only time I have used a curse word was once in fourth grade, on accident, at recess, and I immediately went wide-eyed and covered my mouth. I still feel bad about it.

10. I want to kill myself every time I see a beautiful woman.

11. I once convinced my little sister that Santa Claus wasn't real. All the Christmas presents came from the Whiffle Bird, who would lay eggs that hatch into presents and leave feathers in stockings to turn into candy. Unfortunately, she had a fight with a friend at school about it and I was found out and forced to apologize.

12. I desperately want to own and wear a cute Lolita outfit! (If you don't know what Lolita is, you can look it up in wikipedia. :] )

<3 o.