A Post Which Does Not Readily Suggest A Title

Today is November 4, 2008 - It is election day.

That is not relevent to this post in any way, other than the fact that I got little to no sleep last night, thus ensuring that I will probably be more honest than I should be while typing this, and will probably regret it later. But that was the point of this blog was it not? To give me a place to put the things that I would regret later.

Let's talk about Senor. I care about him. I don't mean kisses and snuggles and marriage and whispers and giggles and blushing love... I mean that I care about him, and that I hate seeing him suffer, and I really want to keep him from pain. I don't believe that any of my feelings for him qualify as romantic, but I'll be honest - I want desperately to hug him. I constantly feel the urge to put my arms around him and rest a hand his head and tell him to relax - it really will be okay, I promise! I'll make sure that it will be okay! And today when I saw the cuts on his arm, I just wanted to cry and wipe off each mark - not affectionately, but maybe like a mother might tend a fallen child's knee. I am not sure I am doing a good job of explaining this, but I know that it has to be explained. I absolutely cannot bear it anymore.

I know that if Han knew how I felt, it would probably crush him. I'm not sure if he would have good reason to feel crushed or not - does this qualify as emotional disloyalty? I would never, ever want to cheat on Han in any form. I've had in the past, and I suppose I still have, doubts about the stability of our relationship, and some of them may be connected in some indirect way to Senor... but I don't believe that I want to replace Han with Senor at all. I don't think I would even be able to if I tried. That is not to belittle Senor - Han would not be easy to replace. I treasure and cherish him dearly. He is amazing in every way. I would regret losing him for any reason.

But I am starting to wonder if losing Han is inevitable. No - I am starting to believe that it is inevitable. And I am starting to wonder how I feel about it. Am I alright with that, and trying to convince myself that I am devastated? Or am I devastated, trying to convince myself that I'm alright? Can I prevent it? Do I want to? Of course I can prevent it, within reason - I am in control of my life. The question (for the most part) is how hard I am willing work to prevent it.

And then I don't want to think about it.

How will my friends react? How will his friends react? How will my parents react? How will I answer their questions? What reasons will I give to people? What will I do with my solitude? Will I stay single? Will I get another boyfriend? If I do, what kind? If I don't, how do I say 'no'? What will I do with my Friday nights? What if I never find someone equal to him again? What if it is the biggest mistake I ever make? What if it is even just in the top five? Are there expectations that people have if I break up with him? Do they expect me to spend more time with them once we're apart? Am I using him as a shield?

What if I stay with Han, and I miss out on helping people that need help? What if I stay with him and end up with him instead of someone else I should have been with? What if I miss other opportunities? In careers? In love? In friendship? In education? In art? In literature? What am I sacrificing by maintaining this relationship? Do I need him? What if I do? Is that a weakness, or just part of being human? Are there things about Han that I don't know? That I don't realize I don't know because I'm biased? Am I limiting him in ways that I don't realize? Am I keeping him from other opportunities? In love, friendship, careers, art, travel, or anything else?

As for Senor... he says he loves me. Han would pitch a fit if he knew that Senor "loves" me, and I can't even imagine how he would react if he knew that I knew that Senor "loves" me. It matters very little to me how Senor feels about me... all I care about is that he doesn't dislike me. I don't think he truly loves me. I think he has been neglected by his family and the rest of society... I think that attention and loyalty I've displayed is something he isn't accustomed to. I think he doesn't realize how unremarkable I am; Once he does, I'm sure his "love" will lessen significantly. Until then, I am only slightly concerned; I do not want him to misinterpret my feelings for him. I do not me to misinterpret my feelings for him.

Don't assume that I'm doing that. Or that there is a high risk of me doing it. I only mean that there is a lot of love in me, and not much self-control. I'm not very good at explaining this. I'm just afraid that once other people start questioning my intentions, I will start to question myself. There is no risk of this while I'm with Han. One has nothing to worry about there. Only I'm afraid that if Han and I were to break up, would Senor think that I broke up with Han in part because of Senor? I don't want anyone to think that - I would never do that. I would never break up with one person for another person. But that would be one likely beginning of Senor misinterpretting my actions.

And then I start to worry - Am I using Han? Am I hiding behind him? Am I only with him to avoid complications between me and other people?

<3 o.

So Unnaturally Myself... Or Naturally Not Myself?

Lately, I have cared less and less about me. And I don't mean that in the morbid, depressing, "I don't care about my life; I wish I would die; I'm so worthless" way. It is a little harder to explain.

I don't really know how.

Basically, I am not myself, but I like it.

All my life, I have been abrasive, somewhat anti-social, stubborn, and pretty selfish. I am not a people person by nature. But lately, I have become more and more drawn to people, in an interesting way. I believe I've mentioned before that I want to help people... lately I've wanted to badly to do that. Senor is one situation. I don't care how he feels about me. Does he have a crush on me? Does he not? I don't care. He needs help, he wants help, but he confesses that he doesn't feel valuable enough to ask for it. I want so desperately to help.

This goes so much against my "natural" personality. Yet, it's my instinctive desire, to help. Needless to say, I'm pretty confused.

Most of my life, I've been spiteful and sarcastic towards people. Now I'm suddenly trying to look at things from different angles and perspectives, trying to figure out if there are reasons they are behaving like that - I'm asking if they need help, in case they don't know how to ask for it. What is going on with me?!

Despite how completely insane and weird and totally unnaturally instinctive I'm being, I kind of like it. Even though a few people give me weird looks, my hugs are occasionally accepted, and I think that maybe I have made an impact on Senor's life - it may only be very small so far, because we haven't known each other very long, but I think I might have. Even though I have always claimed to "hate people," I think I might enjoy being loving.

Okay, there's no think about it. I know that I like it. I love it. I want to be like this forever. I want to be the person that people know they can come to when they have a problem and talk to or just get a hug or even just show up at their house late at night if something really bad happens. I know that it sounds totally dorky and maybe even unrealistic, but can you imagine what kind of person I would be? Loving, understanding, patient, helpful, peaceful, kind, generous, faithful, hopeful... basically all the qualities that I've always admired in other people.

Here's the main problem: I want to always be completely available to help anyone who needs it, and that is just not possible while I am dating Han. I love Han. I do. He has pieces of me that I don't want to separate from, and breaking up with him would tear me apart. But... he can be very possessive. I know he doesn't mean to be, but I don't foresee, and I can't even imagine, this working out. He does not like me spending excessive amounts of time with lots of other people; he starts to feel neglected, like I'm tired of him.

I don't want to leave Han. I love Han! But I can't ignore my unnatural instinct to help people. I'll be forever scared that, if I ignore an urge to help someone because of upsetting Han, someone will go on hurting because I limited myself too much to reach out to them.

I don't know what to do. Han would have to loosen the reins a bit for this to work - not just in time-spending, but physically, also. He'd have to be comfortable with me talking to other people.

I know this sounds like a totally weird thought process. What are you talking about, little o?

I'm not sure. I think my brain is going to explode from all the thoughts racing through it! Can anyone else make sense of this?!

<3>

p.s. : EDIT
Since this has been written, I've changed my mind. I want to be with Han now and always and I'd give up anything for that.

Nobody Wants To Be Thought Of As Perfect.

It's not a compliment.
-Dad

People, despite desperately wanting to be perfect... don't like perfect people. And people don't like to be considered perfect, either. At least not usually.

People that are considered perfect are annoying. Even though they aren't really perfect, they are better than us, and whether they acknowledge it or not, it's a problem. If they act as though they are better than us, we consider them show-offs or goody-two-shoes. If they don't, we think they are inappreciative or, for some reason, patronizing.

For people who aren't perfect, which is really everybody, it is really a pain when others think that you are perfect. Your own problems are ignored and laughed at because, hey, you don't have any problems! In fact, people that are considered perfect have problems, and they are magnified when people refuse to acknowledge them. If you can think of a time when you needed help with something and recieved it, can you imagine what it would have been like to be laughed at or disregarded instead of getting the help? It's a very painful thing.

So why do so many people seem obsessed with being perfect? I'll admit that I do it, too. But what is so enviable about "perfect"? Some "perfect" people are idolized from afar, but they are always loved best by the people who know that they are not without their flaws. In addition, if you are considered "perfect" by other people, your concerns will be demeaned and devalued by society. Take a look at all those "smart" kids you knew in school. Every time test results came back, what were they doing? They were anxiously awaiting to find out if they were still "smart" or if their efforts weren't good enough to meet standard. And what was going on around them? "What are you worried about? You ALWAYS get an A!" comes from every direction, and not usually in what you would call a reassuring tone.

Just because someone's problems seem illegitimate to you does not mean that you should disregard or mock someone's feelings. (And let's keep in mind... the fear of a low grade is worse for a "smart" kid than many others, because it is a bigger deal for them.)

Fears and concerns are not meant to be mocked or laughed at, then are meant to be solved, comforted, soothed, and reassured. Yes, even the problems of "perfect" people deserve attention, because even if you think they are unfounded... they are still there, and they are still real for that person.

People would do better to keep that in mind when they are dealing with someone they consider to be perfect... as well as when they are wishing that they were. When one is occupied by wishes of perfection, they should think of the "perfect student" and how they were treated... and remember that it's not all it's cracked up to be. (And that the people who act like perfection is such a big deal are inperfect themselves... and how would they know?)

<3 o.

To Be Great Like Gatsby

In English, we have recently been reading The Great Gatsby, and we spent a great deal of time discussing the portion of the book where Fitzgerald tells about Gatsby's real past: That he was James Gatz, desperate for a new life, and he invented for himself the persona of Jay Gatsby and gets a job on board a yacht that travels the world. He completely reinvents himself.

When Mrs. H is done talking about this, she asks us, "If you were going to completely start over, change whatever you wanted to about yourself, what would you do?" She kind of smiled and looked around, like she both expected us to stay quiet and half hoped we wouldn't. "What would you change?" she repeated. "You're going around the world, you've got a different name, no one will ever know anything about you except what you tell them. What would you change about yourself?" We all looked at her half-stunned. Doubtless, everyone had things going through their head, but what high school student is going to confess what they most wish to change about themselves to the class? No one.

After many moments, she moved on. This was probably a week ago, but ever since, I have wanted to write a post about it, but I needed to think through exactly what my answer would be first.

Now, I have to go a little bit off-topic to tell you what I would change.

I have a friend named Hilary. We met during 30 Hour Famine one year, when we were both awkward and anti-social. I was in Junior High and she was a Freshman and she confided to me that she really hoped to change her shyness in the future. Well, Hilary achieved that. Before she graduated, she held the lead in many of her school's musicals, and there was no one that I knew of who didn't like her, and for good reason. She is truly the nicest person I have ever met. She knows how to put others first, and she does it. She is the kind of person who says good morning to people she might not know or talk to, or will ask someone who is upset what is wrong even if she doesn't knowt hem very well, and she isn't regarded as a freak: People talk to her. Hilary sits at lunch, and other students that she's never seen will come sit with her and ask her for help, because she's got that reputation about caring about people and being understanding.

If I could be whatever I wanted, starting completely over, I would as open, understanding, and compassionate as Hilary. Right now, I can be judgmental, because it makes me feel special and set-apart to think that I know better. But, as I've seen with Hilary, there is something even more set apart about reserving all judgments that not only will make you quite beloved, will give you the kind of satisfaction that she has with herself.

So, what would I do away with? Inhibitions, isolation, being judgmental, criticism, and anything that would come between me and people.
What would I like to keep and enhance? A caring attitude, generousity, stubbornness for good causes, people and their well-being as a first priority.

School is over in a week, and then I have one year left of high school. Maybe college will be a chance to start over in such a way? I think that the changes I would make are good ones, and I see no reason that I should have to run away on a yacht to make them.

<3 o.