Okay, so 100 posts is a lot - but 101 is even more. And for me, it's pretty impressive. I've had blogs before, but I've never kept them up this long or this well. So I feel pretty good about it.
But big deal. There are more important things than having 101 posts on your blog. Like you guys. Anji and Worldman are two of the most encouraging people I know - I feel so blessed to have them reading my blog. :] They comment all the time, even though I am a comment slacker. And a few other people have commented recently, on posts that gave away my strong need for encouragement. I'll admit, I don't know who those people are, but their words, and just the fact that they took time to write those words, made me feel so much better.
All this trouble with Han is overwhelming, but through it I've realized how many people I have to be thankful for. I have some cheerleader friends that I haven't seen much of lately, but I recently realized how much I love and miss them. A few days ago, Han made me cry and I went to find one of them that I see daily. I couldn't find her, but another of my friends saw me and asked what was wrong. Before I knew it, all four of my cheerbuddies were hugging me and telling me that I'd be okay, they'd make it okay, they were going to show him what's up. I never thought in all my life I'd be so happy to be surrounded by cheerleaders.
I'm even thankful for people that I've met through Han, such as AOK. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him before or not, or if I changed his name. AOK is Han's best friend. When I first got to know him, I thought he was a real jerk, but it turns out, I was really wrong. When Han first started acting strangely, I called AOK to find out if anything was up that I should know about. We started talking regularly. I mostly talked about Han and he mostly would get my mind off of it. It was a good system. :] Well, eventually I started to feel bad for burdening him, and talking to him so much, seeing as he had a girlfriend, so I stopped calling him. After a couple of weeks of silence, he texted me on my mom's cell phone and told me that no matter what was happening with Han and I, he was still my friend and I could still talk to him if I needed to. He's also a complete sweetheart. He can tell when I'm down, and he knows how to cheer me up. He reminds me constantly that I don't need Han, even though it feels like it, and that I'm a beautiful, wonderful girl. What I wanna know is how a jerk like Han can be close friends with someone like AOK?
I'm now also friends again with one of my dearest cousins that had a falling out with me years back. Turns out we still both care about each other a lot, and have some problems that I think we can help each other with. And another friend that I haven't seen recently can really relate to my depression very well. I've missed her since she's graduated, and I hope I can start to see her more often. I forgot how supportive and loving she is.
And another guy from my church has been a complete sweetheart. He's always willing to talk to me when I am desperate to have company. I believe I've mentioned him before, but I can't remember what name I gave him, so I'll have to check on that. And a friend of Elsa's has also become a close friend. Last night we had a long, serious talk, and it turns out that we have a lot in common. We kept each other company this morning, since we were both having V-Day Blues.
With all these wonderful people around me, how can I be unhappy about the loss of Han? After all, some of these friendships wouldn't even have been brought to existance without Han. Some of them would never have gotten as strong as they are if he hadn't put me through what he did.
So I'm still upset about Han. But I have a lot of blessings, too. And I should try harder to celebrate all my amazing, supportive friends, instead of mourning the loss of one self-centered jerk.
<3 o.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Good Reasons
To Be Really, Really Angry At Han
1. Rape
Yeah. I bet you weren't expecting to see that. Well, guess what? You saw it, and, yup, you saw it right, and you are officially sworn to secrecy. I never mentioned it before because it was too confusing and upsetting. But here's the thing: Yes, it's sex even if no one orgasms. Yes, it's rape even if the girl doesn't physically fight him. If she's repeatedly saying, "no," and he is repeatedly responding with, "yes," and does what he wants regardless - pretty sure it is rape. I wasn't sure before. I'm sure now. And I'm not just sure - I'm ticked.
2. All-Around General Horniness To The Extreme
I know guys are horny. And it can't be helped. But that's why I included 'to the extreme.' Seriously. I mean, who doesn't enjoy a good dirty joke every once in a while? But when that becomes your entire sense of humor, it isn't funny. It's annoying. And kind of gross. And you know what? When someone is crying while talking to you, that's the wrong time to tell her that you are horny for her. It just is. (See 5.) Maybe that's why he's been so mean lately - seeing me cry turns him on. (By the way, that's a little thing I like to call sarcasm.)
3. Dishonesty
He lied about just about everything. Yup, Han is a liar. I always knew that, but until the last few months, it was only about little things, like he had beaten a certain video game or owned a certain movie. You know, just things that he thought made him look cooler than he was - even though he was 100% cool at that point in time. But now it's out of control. Lying about seeing Cheer behind my back? Not cool. So does he love me? Does he not? Did he really get drunk? Who knows? Who cares? There's no way I can any longer believe what he says unless I have proof.
4. Disloyalty
No, he didn't technically "cheat." As far as physically. But he definitely had an emotional affair. He was not loyal. He let his guard down with Cheer, and even if they didn't "do the dirty," there was definitely something going on. After all, they were talking about going out. He kissed her on the cheek. He told her that he could see them together in the future. He lead her and I on at the same time. And I really don't feel like putting up with that.
5. Insensitivity
When a girl - particularly your girlfriend - is crying, you don't tell her to "cut the crap" and then storm off. Unless you want to make the problem worse. This is especially true if your girlfriend is crying about something you did. Some like, say, lying or being disloyal. There's no crap to cut. You did something wrong, it hurt her, and she's upset. You fix it. But did Han do that? No. Because he doesn't care about anything but himself. Today, he flat out said he wasn't upset about us, which as good as saying that he doesn't care about the two years we were happy together. And did he seem bothered when I, in tears, told him that I hated him and wanted him to stay away from me until he could stop acting like a jerk? No, I don't think he was bothered at all. Because he could care less how much he's hurt me.
6. This Entry
Just the fact that I even had to write this entry. This is my 100th entry. I was looking forward to this. I was going to do something fun for this post. You know, celebratory "Yay 100 entries!" post. But this is what's in my brain right now. All of this is inside of me and it needs out. And I am so ticked that he has done so much crap wrong that I had to waste my 100th entry on him. I'm even more ticked that I wasted two years of my life on him.
Reading this list, you really have to wonder where all the material for the last entry came from? That entry was based entirely on my feelings for Han about eight months ago - before he turned into what is described about. I don't miss Han now. I miss Han then. But this is the Han he is now, and I can't want to be with someone like this, and I can't date someone for something they aren't. I mean, let's face it - I love him, and I might always. But I can't put up with this kind of pain, and I shouldn't have to.
<3 o.
1. Rape
Yeah. I bet you weren't expecting to see that. Well, guess what? You saw it, and, yup, you saw it right, and you are officially sworn to secrecy. I never mentioned it before because it was too confusing and upsetting. But here's the thing: Yes, it's sex even if no one orgasms. Yes, it's rape even if the girl doesn't physically fight him. If she's repeatedly saying, "no," and he is repeatedly responding with, "yes," and does what he wants regardless - pretty sure it is rape. I wasn't sure before. I'm sure now. And I'm not just sure - I'm ticked.
2. All-Around General Horniness To The Extreme
I know guys are horny. And it can't be helped. But that's why I included 'to the extreme.' Seriously. I mean, who doesn't enjoy a good dirty joke every once in a while? But when that becomes your entire sense of humor, it isn't funny. It's annoying. And kind of gross. And you know what? When someone is crying while talking to you, that's the wrong time to tell her that you are horny for her. It just is. (See 5.) Maybe that's why he's been so mean lately - seeing me cry turns him on. (By the way, that's a little thing I like to call sarcasm.)
3. Dishonesty
He lied about just about everything. Yup, Han is a liar. I always knew that, but until the last few months, it was only about little things, like he had beaten a certain video game or owned a certain movie. You know, just things that he thought made him look cooler than he was - even though he was 100% cool at that point in time. But now it's out of control. Lying about seeing Cheer behind my back? Not cool. So does he love me? Does he not? Did he really get drunk? Who knows? Who cares? There's no way I can any longer believe what he says unless I have proof.
4. Disloyalty
No, he didn't technically "cheat." As far as physically. But he definitely had an emotional affair. He was not loyal. He let his guard down with Cheer, and even if they didn't "do the dirty," there was definitely something going on. After all, they were talking about going out. He kissed her on the cheek. He told her that he could see them together in the future. He lead her and I on at the same time. And I really don't feel like putting up with that.
5. Insensitivity
When a girl - particularly your girlfriend - is crying, you don't tell her to "cut the crap" and then storm off. Unless you want to make the problem worse. This is especially true if your girlfriend is crying about something you did. Some like, say, lying or being disloyal. There's no crap to cut. You did something wrong, it hurt her, and she's upset. You fix it. But did Han do that? No. Because he doesn't care about anything but himself. Today, he flat out said he wasn't upset about us, which as good as saying that he doesn't care about the two years we were happy together. And did he seem bothered when I, in tears, told him that I hated him and wanted him to stay away from me until he could stop acting like a jerk? No, I don't think he was bothered at all. Because he could care less how much he's hurt me.
6. This Entry
Just the fact that I even had to write this entry. This is my 100th entry. I was looking forward to this. I was going to do something fun for this post. You know, celebratory "Yay 100 entries!" post. But this is what's in my brain right now. All of this is inside of me and it needs out. And I am so ticked that he has done so much crap wrong that I had to waste my 100th entry on him. I'm even more ticked that I wasted two years of my life on him.
Reading this list, you really have to wonder where all the material for the last entry came from? That entry was based entirely on my feelings for Han about eight months ago - before he turned into what is described about. I don't miss Han now. I miss Han then. But this is the Han he is now, and I can't want to be with someone like this, and I can't date someone for something they aren't. I mean, let's face it - I love him, and I might always. But I can't put up with this kind of pain, and I shouldn't have to.
<3 o.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
All About Han
To start with, the boy absolutely melted my heart last night. And considering how mad I was at him, this could not have been an easy task. Two days ago, he broke up with me again. It was a dump that was full of promises for the future and apologies. It was followed by discovering that he'd been drunk a few nights before and had sent Cheer a message on myspace telling her that he loved her. And after we fought about that, he called me and told me that he loved me and didn't want to break up with me, and that he'd be so happy if I got better.
That was two days ago. I wasn't buying it. I didn't even let myself cry.
Last night, he asked me to go get a blizzard with him. We did, and I was pretty quiet the whole time. I guess my resolve to be angry with him (despite his sweetness) was starting to weaken, because he could tell I was upset and kept asking what was wrong. By the time we were leaving, I was forcing back tears. I asked him if he had cried either time we broke up, and he said both. I told him that I hadn't cried yet, and when he asked why, I told him that I wouldn't let myself. He then reached over and held my hand and told me that it was alright to cry or talk or do whatever I needed to. A few tears escaped, but I held back most of them. When we got to his house, he said something about not having changed, and I pointed out to him a couple of big things that had changed about him. Han agreed, and told me he was sorry for what he was putting me through, that he knew he shouldn't be and he was sorry. Then he gave me a hug, and told me that he loved me and was going to get better for me. Then he went inside.
I started crying and left for home.
Less than two minutes later, he called the cell phone and told me to come back. Han came outside and looked at me and said, "You cried." "Just a little bit." He touched my cheek, and I said, "They aren't there anymore." He told me they were, that my cheeks were moist. He said it was okay, and told me that I had soft skin, all the while running his fingers along the side of and under my face.
And my heart absolutely melted.
Because I love Han. Everything about him. His smile is so beautiful, and when I see it growing across his face, I can't help but grin myself.
When he sleeps, he looks so sweet and peaceful, I just want to stroke his hair and kiss his face all over. Other times, he snores so loudly it makes me want to laugh and hug him, but it would wake him up.
When he hugs me, I want to just disappear inside his arms, where it's warm and safe. I want to stay there forever. When I see his arms, I want them securely around me.
Some people see fireworks when they kiss. When Han kisses me, I see pure yellow, like a huge blinding light.
When he holds my hand, I can barely keep myself from bringing our hands to my mouth and kissing his. When he kisses my hand, I can't keep from blushing, and I just know that I glow.
When I think about him, my heart beats so much faster. When I am close enough to hear his heartbeat, I want to be able to hear it forever, and I tell him how beautiful it is.
When we're close to each other and I can hear, feel, or see his breath, I hold my breath and I don't let it out until he lets his out. I like the idea of us breathing together.
When he tickles me, I both shriek and laugh like no tomorrow, because no one could make being tickled as much fun as he does. When he massages the back of my head, fingers in my hair, I end up leaning into his hand like a kitten having its chin scratched.
When he looks directly in my eyes, and I can see his irises so perfectly, I can't think of a thing that is more beautiful than his eyes. They are the most perfect, piercing eyes.
When he says he loves me, he has this voice that's full of intensity and desperacy, and when I hear it, it's like someone puts a star in my heart, the way it beats and I can feel my eyes sparkle.
But oh...
When he's angry, how I want to just cower. Not from fear, but to appease.
When he's with other people, I get so nervous. Are there other girls? What kind of influence are the guys there going to be? What are they doing? Why does he refuse to talk to me when he's with those people? What has he said about me? What do they think about me?
When he is short with me, my heart aches. There is a literal ache in my chest and I want to crumple into nothing in a corner at the same time as I want to be held to his side by the arm that lets me know he loves me.
When he is walking away, for whatever reason, I want to tell him to wait, and to come back, and to hold me, and to please not let go of me this time.
When he cries (which I haven't seen happen in a while), oh goodness, I want to hug him and stroke his face and hold his hands and pet his hair all at once. I wish I could kiss away whatever upset him as easily as I could kiss away his tears.
What's a girl to do?
<3 o.
That was two days ago. I wasn't buying it. I didn't even let myself cry.
Last night, he asked me to go get a blizzard with him. We did, and I was pretty quiet the whole time. I guess my resolve to be angry with him (despite his sweetness) was starting to weaken, because he could tell I was upset and kept asking what was wrong. By the time we were leaving, I was forcing back tears. I asked him if he had cried either time we broke up, and he said both. I told him that I hadn't cried yet, and when he asked why, I told him that I wouldn't let myself. He then reached over and held my hand and told me that it was alright to cry or talk or do whatever I needed to. A few tears escaped, but I held back most of them. When we got to his house, he said something about not having changed, and I pointed out to him a couple of big things that had changed about him. Han agreed, and told me he was sorry for what he was putting me through, that he knew he shouldn't be and he was sorry. Then he gave me a hug, and told me that he loved me and was going to get better for me. Then he went inside.
I started crying and left for home.
Less than two minutes later, he called the cell phone and told me to come back. Han came outside and looked at me and said, "You cried." "Just a little bit." He touched my cheek, and I said, "They aren't there anymore." He told me they were, that my cheeks were moist. He said it was okay, and told me that I had soft skin, all the while running his fingers along the side of and under my face.
And my heart absolutely melted.
Because I love Han. Everything about him. His smile is so beautiful, and when I see it growing across his face, I can't help but grin myself.
When he sleeps, he looks so sweet and peaceful, I just want to stroke his hair and kiss his face all over. Other times, he snores so loudly it makes me want to laugh and hug him, but it would wake him up.
When he hugs me, I want to just disappear inside his arms, where it's warm and safe. I want to stay there forever. When I see his arms, I want them securely around me.
Some people see fireworks when they kiss. When Han kisses me, I see pure yellow, like a huge blinding light.
When he holds my hand, I can barely keep myself from bringing our hands to my mouth and kissing his. When he kisses my hand, I can't keep from blushing, and I just know that I glow.
When I think about him, my heart beats so much faster. When I am close enough to hear his heartbeat, I want to be able to hear it forever, and I tell him how beautiful it is.
When we're close to each other and I can hear, feel, or see his breath, I hold my breath and I don't let it out until he lets his out. I like the idea of us breathing together.
When he tickles me, I both shriek and laugh like no tomorrow, because no one could make being tickled as much fun as he does. When he massages the back of my head, fingers in my hair, I end up leaning into his hand like a kitten having its chin scratched.
When he looks directly in my eyes, and I can see his irises so perfectly, I can't think of a thing that is more beautiful than his eyes. They are the most perfect, piercing eyes.
When he says he loves me, he has this voice that's full of intensity and desperacy, and when I hear it, it's like someone puts a star in my heart, the way it beats and I can feel my eyes sparkle.
But oh...
When he's angry, how I want to just cower. Not from fear, but to appease.
When he's with other people, I get so nervous. Are there other girls? What kind of influence are the guys there going to be? What are they doing? Why does he refuse to talk to me when he's with those people? What has he said about me? What do they think about me?
When he is short with me, my heart aches. There is a literal ache in my chest and I want to crumple into nothing in a corner at the same time as I want to be held to his side by the arm that lets me know he loves me.
When he is walking away, for whatever reason, I want to tell him to wait, and to come back, and to hold me, and to please not let go of me this time.
When he cries (which I haven't seen happen in a while), oh goodness, I want to hug him and stroke his face and hold his hands and pet his hair all at once. I wish I could kiss away whatever upset him as easily as I could kiss away his tears.
What's a girl to do?
<3 o.
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