All About Han

To start with, the boy absolutely melted my heart last night. And considering how mad I was at him, this could not have been an easy task. Two days ago, he broke up with me again. It was a dump that was full of promises for the future and apologies. It was followed by discovering that he'd been drunk a few nights before and had sent Cheer a message on myspace telling her that he loved her. And after we fought about that, he called me and told me that he loved me and didn't want to break up with me, and that he'd be so happy if I got better.

That was two days ago. I wasn't buying it. I didn't even let myself cry.

Last night, he asked me to go get a blizzard with him. We did, and I was pretty quiet the whole time. I guess my resolve to be angry with him (despite his sweetness) was starting to weaken, because he could tell I was upset and kept asking what was wrong. By the time we were leaving, I was forcing back tears. I asked him if he had cried either time we broke up, and he said both. I told him that I hadn't cried yet, and when he asked why, I told him that I wouldn't let myself. He then reached over and held my hand and told me that it was alright to cry or talk or do whatever I needed to. A few tears escaped, but I held back most of them. When we got to his house, he said something about not having changed, and I pointed out to him a couple of big things that had changed about him. Han agreed, and told me he was sorry for what he was putting me through, that he knew he shouldn't be and he was sorry. Then he gave me a hug, and told me that he loved me and was going to get better for me. Then he went inside.

I started crying and left for home.

Less than two minutes later, he called the cell phone and told me to come back. Han came outside and looked at me and said, "You cried." "Just a little bit." He touched my cheek, and I said, "They aren't there anymore." He told me they were, that my cheeks were moist. He said it was okay, and told me that I had soft skin, all the while running his fingers along the side of and under my face.

And my heart absolutely melted.

Because I love Han. Everything about him. His smile is so beautiful, and when I see it growing across his face, I can't help but grin myself.

When he sleeps, he looks so sweet and peaceful, I just want to stroke his hair and kiss his face all over. Other times, he snores so loudly it makes me want to laugh and hug him, but it would wake him up.

When he hugs me, I want to just disappear inside his arms, where it's warm and safe. I want to stay there forever. When I see his arms, I want them securely around me.

Some people see fireworks when they kiss. When Han kisses me, I see pure yellow, like a huge blinding light.

When he holds my hand, I can barely keep myself from bringing our hands to my mouth and kissing his. When he kisses my hand, I can't keep from blushing, and I just know that I glow.

When I think about him, my heart beats so much faster. When I am close enough to hear his heartbeat, I want to be able to hear it forever, and I tell him how beautiful it is.

When we're close to each other and I can hear, feel, or see his breath, I hold my breath and I don't let it out until he lets his out. I like the idea of us breathing together.

When he tickles me, I both shriek and laugh like no tomorrow, because no one could make being tickled as much fun as he does. When he massages the back of my head, fingers in my hair, I end up leaning into his hand like a kitten having its chin scratched.

When he looks directly in my eyes, and I can see his irises so perfectly, I can't think of a thing that is more beautiful than his eyes. They are the most perfect, piercing eyes.

When he says he loves me, he has this voice that's full of intensity and desperacy, and when I hear it, it's like someone puts a star in my heart, the way it beats and I can feel my eyes sparkle.

But oh...

When he's angry, how I want to just cower. Not from fear, but to appease.

When he's with other people, I get so nervous. Are there other girls? What kind of influence are the guys there going to be? What are they doing? Why does he refuse to talk to me when he's with those people? What has he said about me? What do they think about me?

When he is short with me, my heart aches. There is a literal ache in my chest and I want to crumple into nothing in a corner at the same time as I want to be held to his side by the arm that lets me know he loves me.

When he is walking away, for whatever reason, I want to tell him to wait, and to come back, and to hold me, and to please not let go of me this time.

When he cries (which I haven't seen happen in a while), oh goodness, I want to hug him and stroke his face and hold his hands and pet his hair all at once. I wish I could kiss away whatever upset him as easily as I could kiss away his tears.

What's a girl to do?

<3 o.