Happy Bomb Threat Day

Today the threat arrived in the form of writing in the boys' bathroom. We were quickly evacuated to the football field, where I sat for a few hours acquiring the most inconvenient sunburn. We couldn't leave because our vehicles were too close to the school, so we had to wait for our parents to come and get us, which was a time-consuming process.

I used to enjoy Bomb Threat Days because it got me out of school. However, with the recent rise in school shootings, I enjoy them because it means that we got a threat. I am horrified to think of what would happen if we didn't get the threat, especially since they may have actually found something this time.

I am constantly afraid of what would happen if we had a school shooting. I can't decide if sitting next to the door is good--easier to escape--or bad--closer to an intruding attacker. I am constantly summing up the people around me to decide who would be least and most likely to pull a gun--then I try to position myself as far from them as I can. When I walk into a room, I remind myself of all the places I will hide if a shoot enters, depending on which door he comes in from or if he's in the room already.

Will I have to go through the rest of life being afraid of random acts of violence? Obviously, there is a choice involved, but it's very hard to not be afraid when they are growing more and more common. It seems that people have become so desensitized towards violence. We yell "rape" as a joke to get someone to stop poking us, and we pretend to shoot someone who annoys us. I don't know if this kind of flippant behavior towards violence is really to blame for things like shootings, bombings, and other kinds of attacks, but I know that it probably doesn't help attacks become less common.

I shouldn't quote statistics that I can't give the exact source of, but I'm not making an argument for anything but my fear. Here is the statistic regardless: 33% of all interviewed teenage males said they were willing to rape a female. 66% of all interviewed teenage males said they would be willing to rape a female if they said they could get away with it.
I know a lot of guys, teenagers all, probably close to a hundred. That means that I probably know at least 30 guys who would have no problem with raping me, and 60 guys who would do it if they knew they wouldn't get caught. That is really scary.

Does it make sense that I am scared of break-ins and being attacked all the time? The world is a scary place, especially for a young, small girl like me. I dread that someone with the potential and desire to rape or kill will see me and be provoked by my lack of stature, realizing that there is no real way I could effectively defend myself.

It's a good thing I'm always with Han, yes? Han is very tall and very strong, and moreover, I am completely convince that he would never do anything to hurt me. :) I still worry about being ganged up on, though, like in an episode of Criminal Minds that I once saw where a gang killed a man's fiance and forced him to watch.

I won't let my mind go there tonight, though. After all, if bombmen can leave warnings, perhaps I can yet manage to slip through all the random violence in the world.

<3 o.

Meet o.

I am a very scared girl. When I say that, I mean I get scared easily, and I am scared of many things. Windows at night, people getting into my house, losing my hair, crickets, reflections behaving wrongly, being killed, being responsible for the death of someone else, and all manner even more ridiculous or unlikely things. Up until now, my three greatest fears were getting cancer, getting paralyzed, and getting married. (Well, for a while I was really afraid of running out of PostSecrets to read. But then it happened, and life went on.)

Recently, however, I realized that not only am I a very scared girl. I am also a very unhappy girl, which has lead me to the discovery of my real greatest fear: Staying a very unhappy girl.

My friends don't realize that I'm unhappy. For most of my friends, I am the source of their cheer. I don't intend to hide my unhappiness, but I don't know how I'd confront the questions they would ask. But I realized that unless I did something about it, I would stay an unhappy girl. I'd just go on being unhappy and nothing would get better, only worse.

My Philosophy: If something has to be done, then do something. Even if you don't know what to do, don't just do nothing.

I was losing traces of sanity. I had to do something. I had to get rid of it. I couldn't talk to my friends, couldn't tell them what was inside me. I couldn't let them down, that their happy o wasn't really happy. They need the cheer they get from me so badly, most of them.

I have decided to create this obscure blog, one that will never gain any kind of attention for more than a moment from passersby, to spill out in.
I hope this works.

<3 face="Trebuchet MS">