The True and Outstanding Adventures (Part II)

This is one of my favorite covers for the book, "The True and Outstanding Adventures of the Hunt Sisters." It is very similar to mine, except that the title is placed above the girl on my copy.

Please Note: This entry will make much more sense if you have already read the entry entitled, "The True and Outstanding Adventures." Take notice that this is titled "(Part II)".

One of the things I love about this book so much is the cover. The little girl, in her pink princess dress, with a crown on her head, skipping across a bright blue sky... waving a sword. And happy. As if princesses are supposed to wave swords. As if she is supposed to be waving a sword. It is yet another personification of the fighting spirit. It is ridiculous to fight a losing battle. It is ridiculous for a princess to wave a sword. And yet, some do it anyway, because they believe what they are fighting for.

It reminds me of the games I played when I was young, and the differences between those games and the games Emily played. I don't mean like boardgames, I mean make-believe. I only know what games Emily played because I read a paper she wrote for a class regarding the effects of childhood games and make-believe on the person that played them.

Example: Emily often played the role of "damsel in distress" when she was younger. She was the princess who had been captured or cursed or whatever, and basically waited for the prince to save her. Now, I don't know Emily well enough to figure out what kind of effect this may have had on her, if any, nor how strong the effect is. But according to Emily's paper, she has trouble making decisions and doing things for herself. She doesn't like being her own advocate. She is uncomfortable being "her own hero," so to speak.

I was rarely, if ever, the damsel in distress. I was the hero's sidekick. I was the victim who was making a great escape. I was the princess waving a sword over her head. What can I say? I was kick-butt. And I've developed a fighting spirit, I assume, because of it. So much so that I would say I don't know when to stop fighting. And when it comes to the point that fighting is futile and I think I may need to stop fighting, I don't know how. I really don't. That is when I turn into Emily. If I have to stop fighting, I can't make my own decisions or do things for myself. Because all I know how to do is struggle and fight and push and make an effort. To stop doing that is like to stop being me. But sometimes, fighting just isn't what you are supposed to do.

Like the princess with the sword, I don't always know my place. Don't you know that you, a princess, aren't supposed to hold a sword, much less run about waving it like a magic wand? Don't you realize that as a princess, you shouldn't fight, but sit demurely on the side and let things play out, hoping that they do so to your advantage? Don't I know that fighting a losing battle is going to cause more pain than good?

Maybe I do. But I just don't know how to not fight. I don't know how to not hope. I don't know how to stop futile fighting, and I don't know how to let go of false hope. So convention says I need to do both of those things, but my consciousness says that forcing myself to do so would be a defiance of my nature, painful, and bad. I don't know who is right. I don't know what to do with my fighting nature and my love of hope.

A friend from church, whom I shall call Sound, told me this. It is something that gives the princess the right to wave the sword and gives me a reason to fight and hope. :

He says that if you are naturally something, it is because you are supposed to be that thing. If you are naturally stubborn, then you are supposed to be stubborn. You weren't given your stubbornness so you could fight it down and force yourself into submission. You weren't given your intense need to stand up so that it's hard for you to sit down. You are made something to be something. The key is to know where to use it. Are you going to stubbornly fight to keep him, or are you going to stubbornly fight for the dignity that he is destroying? Are you going to stubbornly fight to get him back, or are you going to stubbornly fight to keep yourself as strong and self-reliant as you were before this happened? As strong and sure of yourself as you naturally are? As you are most likely meant to be?

<3 o.

p.s. : Sound's words were much shorter and to the point. Parts of what I included were the things that went unspoken, but that I felt were very much what he was trying to get me to realize.

A Variety Of Topics For This Post

Firstly, I want to apologize for not updating recently and for not being overly active (or really very active at all) in my commenting. I do read most posts within a day or two of them being posted.

Secondly: After a rather stressful chain of events this afternoon after school (which involved Han, a library, and oreos), I stormed out to my truck, entirely intent on either doing myself serious physical harm, throwing things until I was instituted, or refusing to move or speak for a week. You think I'm exaggerating, well I'm not. Fortunately, I fell asleep, and Han was there when I woke up. I will admit that part of my tantrum was due to the events of 7th hour (Drama), which I will relate to you momentarily. And part of it was the library situation. Most of it, though, was left over distress from school, which only managed to manifest itself into an expressible form about the time we were at the library...

And now: Today. It was horrid. First, my sister and I nearly got killed by a semi. He was going about 35-40 in a 60 zone, and I was coming up behind him at 60, so I switched lanes. Right after I switched lanes, he put on his turn signal and pulled into my lane in front me. Keep in mind that I am gaining on him this entire time. It was incredibly close, but I was able to get back into the other lane. But oh man, it scared the crap out of me. And then the rest of the day went okay (oh except that I forgot all my pencils and makeup at home... but Mom brought that to school for me) until 7th hour.

First I think I need to tell you: I was very disappointed in the choice of play that my class voted on. It is about an airplane full of people whose pilot is brainwashed by an alien who makes him crash land in the Bermuda Triangle, where they meet "natives" that are actually aliens who have come to stop the brainwashing alien. It is somewhat humorous, but has no plot or theme--and I need things to have a theme. If there is no theme, I don't see a purpose for it, and I am not interested in it. But after much deliberation, I decided I could cope with it. It would be fun and a good way to relax--and there's still the publicity crew.

Today I was told I'd be the head of the publicity crew. I was really happy--we're in charge of the posters, advertisements, programs, t-shirts, all that. I was really excited, because in the last few years I have been VERY disappointed in the t-shirts. I saw this as my opportunity to actually have a say in something and make sure it was good.

Yeah well nevermind that. Have I ever told you before how much I loathe Tony? I will someday. For now, all you need to know is that he's a jerk, he's not on the publicity crew, he punched me in the stomach in kindergarten, and he thinks he's hot artistic stuff because his grandpa can paint. So what does he do? He draws his own idea for t-shirt design or whatever, which consists of the following: the cover that came on the script (an island, a spaceship, and a plane) with a big alien's head behind it. Then he came over and was like, "Look what I drew." I'd have less of a problem with this if: A. It looked good, or B. He'd signed up for publicity crew. But he didn't sign up--meaning he should have stayed with his group and kept his ugly head out of mine. And in addition, everyone loved his really ugly, unoriginal design. I know it's hard to believe that everyone would love an ugly design, but it's true. So there went my hopes of having attractive t-shirts. And it's not only that--it's that those were my responsibility, not to mention my only chance to have any creative outlet, or any say-so at all, and it was totally snatched.

It seems to me like any time I want something, do something, or suggest something, it is either ignored or upstaged. Every time.

It is so very frustrating. I usually love entering Project eXcel with drawings and poetry, but I've never won, and now I'm not sure that I want to even try. I've been working for a little while on some illustrations for a scholarship--but judging by the reaction I get to my work and ideas from most people, I don't know if it's worth it. It's very discouraging, and I'm about sick of trying.

Another example, and no offense to Elsa: but in her yearbook class, the Photoshop instructor noticed that she was familiar with Photoshop and offered to let her teach a 1-hour class for $100. What the heck is that about? A. She only has and can use Photoshop because I gave it to her, and I did help her some. I'm certain she would have learned it on her own with all the tutorials online, but I did help, and I provided tutorial sites for her as well. B. I am better at Photoshop than her. I don't mean to sound like I am putting her down, because she is very good. However, I do have more experience, and have done a larger variety of things with it. I don't believe there is a single feature or tool on the program that I have not used or at least played with. and C. I have tried for forever to get a job at various establishments doing various things... and she gets this incredibly amazing job offer just like that? How is that even the beginning of fair in any way? And for once, I do not want to hear, "She's in a wheelchair, she should get some advantages!" Everyone totally underestimates her--she is perfectly capable of applying to jobs. I understand that there are fewer jobs for her to apply for, so it's good for to get some kind of experience. But on the other hand, there are all kinds of jobs for me to apply for--and I do, but it doesn't work. It is very difficult to get a job in town, and it's very difficult to get a job out of town because of gas--and the only vehicle at my disposal is a 14-mile-per-gallon truck that is highly unreliable. So, I've been working my freaking butt off trying to get a job. And that is just incredibly frustrating. I don't blame Elsa at all, but I have to say I am somewhere between outraged and insanly envious. Because it's again: I am gone completely unacknowledged. Completely.

I don't like to be ignored. I don't. I freaking hate it and it seems to be the story of my life. I can't possibly live up to Emily's reputation of perfection, can't win a single art contest (despite my friends' claims that I am "really good"), can't even get a job, and continue to go completely unobserved in any and all other areas--even when I am in charge.

I could just scream, if only my walls were thick enough for it to go unnoticed.

<3 o.

One of the Worst Friday Nights Ever. No, Really.

Exhibit A: When I went to Disneyworld, I spent a couple of days in Epcot. On the first day, I was heading back to our cabin/rooms to put something up and rest, because I hadn't slept well the night before. On my way towards the park exit, I saw a woman sitting by herself on a wall next to a garden. She had her head in hands, and I saw a few tears hitting the ground. In my opinion, no one should cry at Disneyworld, and I was almost certain that someone somewhere deserved to be punished for making her cry, but that wasn't my focus. I hung around that area for probably ten minutes trying to decide if I should do anything, or what I could do if I decided to. I eventually did ask her if she would be okay and if I could help her in any way. I will always wonder what happened to her. I wish I had been able to help her.

Exhibit B: Haleigh loves animals. She loves them so, so much. Not long ago, one our cats had caught a butterfly by the wings. Haleigh loves our cats, but she doesn't like to see anything in pain. She retrieved the butterfly from the cat's mouth as carefully as possible so as not to hurt it. I had huge holes in its wings from the cat's teeth, and I don't think it could ever possibly fly again, but Haleigh put it in some flowers out of the cat's reach anyway. She doesn't like to see any animal in pain. She is the main caretaker of our cats. She plays with them, feeds them, knows all their personalities and the differences between cats that seem otherwise identical. The only thing she won't do is give them medicine, because if they fight it or meow, she gets very upset and afraid that she will hurt them.

Exhibit C: I will not go into the nitty-gritty details, but I have an uncle who used to (and may still) grow, use, and deal illegal drugs. He sold these to my cousin, the son of a different uncle of mine, and he would get high in the basement while leaving his elementary-aged daughters upstairs by themselves. He's not a good person. He refuses to work, and so does his wife. He is thirty-some years old, and his entire life, my grandparents have payed for his food, clothing, water, electricity, taxes, housing, everything. He doesn't have his own money. He spends it on other drugs.

Exhibit D: Tonight was a Friday night. On most Friday nights, I go out with Han, because we don't see each other too much during the school days. Tonight, however, my parents went to help Emily with her house, and they were spending the night there. They asked me to stay home with my two younger sisters, Haleigh and Annalisa. I don't know if I have ever used a fake name for them before, but this is what I'm calling them now. They said I could go out Saturday night, so I said that was fine. I decided I could write a little, I could draw a little, get my room clean, relax... just take everything easy. It was going to be a good night.

But it was not to be. Because I get jumpy alone at night sometimes, Mom and Dad had Grandma and Grandpa come in and check on us, which is fine. But then, my cousin, the young daughter of my bum uncle, called my grandpa. My grandparents recently acquired a kitten, and she wanted it. Hers was sick, and her parents didn't have the money to take it to the vet. Grandma asked if she could have one of ours instead. She asked Haleigh this. Haleigh knows that their house is not a good place for a cat. We have kittens to spare, but we want them all to go to good homes, and Haleigh wants that more than any of us. In Exhibit C, I think I clarified that this does NOT qualify as a good home. So this was very, very awkward for her--she said she'd ask Mom and Dad and she came up to me to ask me what to do and see if she could call them. I could tell she was upset. She didn't want to tell Grandma and Grandpa, "No, we don't trust them to take good care of our cats, and we only give them to good homes," but there was no way she'd ever be able to let a kitten go to a home that would be unable to take care of it.

I call Mom and Dad, because I can tell she is too upset to do anything. I talk to them a little bit, told them that even though they don't mistreat their animals, they can't take care of them if they get sick or hurt, and pointed out that they have a habit of own multiple large, violent dogs at a time. They said that if we were really uncomfortable with letting them have a kitten, that was okay. Grandma eventually decided Zora could have her kitten.

Now, Haleigh was still kind of shaken from the stress of having to say "No" to Grandma, but she also felt bad--Grandma doesn't like animals very often, and she felt awful that Grandma was going to give her kitten up, and she also didn't like the idea of any kitten living there... Recall Exhibit B. Haleigh loves all animals, anything that is alive. She hates for them to be in pain.

After Grandma left, I tried to calm Haleigh down. She was upset about the kitten and felt guilty about Grandma giving hers away. She was doing okay. Her voice was a little shaky, and her eyes were moist, but she was doing okay. I suggested that she call Mom and Dad and give them an update, and told her that they would probably be able to help her feel better. So she did.

Ten minutes later, I walk into her room, and she is on the phone with Dad, in tears. And I am about to explode. Not only do I hate to see people cry, especially my little sisters, but I have spent over an hour trying to keep her calm, reassuring her that the kitten will probably be okay, and here she is, talking to Dad, whom we had relied upon to make things better, and it feels like all my efforts to calm her down have been wasted. Because now she is in tears. I felt so let down and betrayed--my parents are always saying to come to them with their problems, and here, we had, and things had only gotten worse.

So I probably over-reacted. That part doesn't matter that much. I got into it a little bit with Mom and Dad, but we smoothed it over.

But I cried. And Haleigh and Annalisa saw me. And I hated it. I can cry, surely. I can cry by myself, no problem. I can cry with my friends around. I can cry in front of my parents without too much problem. But crying in front of my little sisters--they're relying on me to be in charge, to be calm, to be able to handle whatever problem comes up. When I cried, I was not showing that I was going to be able to handle problems.

And Annalisa, who is ten, didn't know what to do. Both her older sisters were crying. I could tell she was confused. She just walked back and forth between our rooms, never looking at us, but obviously focusing on us. Now I will refer to Exhibit A, because she looked just how I felt when I was watching the lady crying in the park. Just wanting to do something, trying to think of something, not sure if she will be able to help. I felt so bad, and I felt like I had let her down. I know I always felt helpless and confused if I saw Emily cry... how must Annalisa have felt when she saw both of her older sisters crying?

So I felt let down by my parents, I felt stressed by Haleigh's distress, I felt as if I had let down my little sisters by crying when I should have been being an adult, and I feel disappointed in myself for not getting anything done. I also feel guilty that Grandma is giving away her kitten, and guilty that I got so angry at Dad when he wasn't being that mean. (At least, not as mean as he normally is.) There was not a single good emotion this entire night.

All in all, I would say this Friday night was a complete disappointment. Someone somewhere owes me a new Friday, I'm pretty sure.

<3 o.

On The Subject of Hattie and Marcy

Emily, my older sister (also known as Emmo), has a roommate who is also one of her friends. Her name, for the sake of this entry, is Marcy. Next door to their house, there is an elderly couple who owns a dog, some variation of a lab. They are unable to walk the dog, so Marcy walks it, and sometimes when she is walking the dog, Emily will go with her to keep her company and get some air herself. Well, Marcy is moving, and the couple was talking about who would walk the dog when she has moved. Emily had told them she would do it if they like, and they expressed their concern to Marcy about Emily being rather small. That is a reasonable concern, because our whole family is "rather small." Emily and I are both 4'11 to 5', but we have had dogs before, and Emily works out. But, Marcy's response wasn't, "Well, I think Emily could probably handle it, she has experience with dogs," or, "She does work out, though, so she's pretty strong for her size." No, what Marcy said was, "Well, sometimes when Emily goes out with us, I let her try to walk the dog."

"Like I'm ten or something," Emily said to Mom later when relating this story.

Marcy's habits of doing and saying things like this to belittle Emily reminds me of my friend Hattie, who behaves similarly (though it took me a few years to realize it).

Hattie was my best friend from second grade through the beginning of high school. Probably in Junior High, we starting having some harsher quarrels than in the past, but in High School, her behavior at times was infuriating. It escalated from telling me I couldn't sing in fourth grade (which I found out about a year ago, isn't necessarily true) to getting really angry if I didn't want to walk to band with her in Junior High to telling me she couldn't go to the Relay For Life with me because she had work the next day during Sophomore year (oh but, by the way, she could go to the midnight showing of Spiderman 3).

I find it somewhat ironic that both Emily and I had/have close friends that have a rather strong reputation of trying to belittle or discourage us. Both Marcy and Hattie will take almost any situation to make themselves look as good as they can... or at least better than Emily or I, often in the form of making us look incompetent, unintelligent, foolish, selfish, ignorant, or weak.

Sometimes I wonder what would have been different about my childhood if I hadn't spent so much time with Hattie. For instance, would I have felt differently about my height? She always called me Shortie in elementary school. Would I have done more summer musicals at the Community Theater? She was always telling me I couldn't sing. Would I have made more friends? She was constantly complaining about or making fun of other people when they weren't around.

I don't want Hattie to sound like a complete monster. She had her good times. She has a good sense of humor and was usually encouraging about my drawing. It's just that as we got older, she seemed to get less and less encouraging and more and more belittling, to the point that, like on the night of Relay For Life, she just came across of flat-out rude and inconsiderate.

It's not really a big deal anymore. We don't hang out very much now, and she's been rather upstaged by Elsa's somewhat sweeter personality. Hattie will occasionally call and try to make plans, but between Han and Elsa, I'm nearly always booked.

I could go into more detail about how Hattie can be frustrating to be around, but I feel I've been negative enough for the day. I was thinking about it because of what has been happening with Emily and Marcy, and how interesting it was that both our friends do that. I wonder if it is them or if it is us?

<3 o.

Emily

Emily is my big sister. For most people that I talk about here, I change their names, but I just cannot change Emily's, because it is too perfect for her.

Emily and I look almost exactly alike. One time, I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and someone Emily knew from school saw me and thought I was her. When I told him that I was actually his sister, he said, "...I didn't know Emily had a twin..." Even people at our church confuse us. Emily has about shoulder-length hair, and I'm infamous for my elbow length hair, and one day, a woman at church saw Emily and stopped her, exclaiming, "You cut all your hair!" Well, no, she hadn't.

I always used to hate that everyone told me I looked like Emily, but eventually, I was kind of happy that they did. I liked it that I was like Emily. Her nickname was Emmo, and for a while, I called myself "Lil Emmo" or sometimes "Lil Emo" (sometimes we had to shorten Emmo to Emo for video games or something, and it was also a common place of discussion for her friends as to whether or not Emily was Emo).

I don't think I could ever admit it to Emily, but she's probably the closest thing I have to a role model. I have learned so much from her without her knowing it. I guess that's kind of common for sisters, but Emily and I aren't very close, so it came as almost a shock to me when I realized that I take after her.

I always enjoy being around Emily (except when she's mad at me) because she's almost always so funny, so I try to behave a lot like her so my friends will enjoy being around me just as much.

I also try to dress like her. I used to think that the way Emily dressed was 'cool', but I have sinced learned that it wasn't really the in-style way to dress, it was just cute and unique.

One of the biggest thing I admire about Emily is probably... well I don't if there's a name for it. It's that when she has decided on something, she doesn't change. She knows what is right and wrong and she acts accordingly. She knows what she wants in a guy, and she won't date anyone but. She is hard-working and firm, without being overly intense or just flat-out stubborn, which is what I tend to be.

Emily has taught me several things, but there is one that stands out.

I had always thought of Emily has the perfect A student sister with the nicest friends and everything working out great for her. And at the point in time when she was applying to and starting college, she wasn't all that nice to me, or at least I didn't think she was. So I complained endlessly about her not knowing what her major would be or what she wanted to do (she didn't decide for years), mostly because Mom and Dad were helping to pay for a lot of the college, and I thought the money could be better spent sending me to a different school.

Well, everyone has a secret that, in some way or another, will probably break your heart.

I'm pretty sure my heart broke when, after she'd moved out, I was looking through all her old papers and found a journal entry about how she felt different and inferior to her friends and how confused she was about what to do with school. (I'm sorry that I was going through your stuff, Emily! Even though you will never read ths...) Well, I pretty much felt like a huge jerk.

Emily is just full of surprises. Another example of this is that Emiy never really had a boyfriend, and I thought it was because that's the way she wanted it. I remember coming home one day and Emily was at the counter eatting forkfuls of cookie dough and looking completely dejected. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that this boy she had liked "wasn't in love with her." I asked her if we had wanted him to be, and she said, "Well, yeah." Long story short, Emily was completely crushed that he liked this other girl and not her and that she had even confessed her feelings, and I agreed to run the other girl over with the truck.

To finish up, I think Emily is one of the greatest people in the world. Even though we are almost identical, she is way prettier than me. She is also considerate and fun-loving, and definitely one-of-a-kind! She is so smart and hard-working and dedicated, but somehow she still manages to be relaxed and funny. She has really worthy goals and I think she is pretty much as perfect as big sisters come.

I don't know anyone who doesn't like Emily, but if I ever anyone who didn't, I think I'd have to shove a pencil up their nose.

<3>