Love Me Never Leave Me

is an excellent book written by Marilyn Meberg. I am not even half-way through it, and it has already helped me in a big way.

I purchased this book at a Women of Faith conference just a couple of days ago. There were so many books that I was interested in, but this one just didn't seem to want to leave me alone, and it came along at just the right time.

I posted recently about my constant tears, fears, and the like. Well, I have been thinking about that, the first half in particular, quite a bit, and amidst all of this thinking, I have had a few thoughts.

One is that, I'm really not ugly. I may not be gorgeous, but I'm not ugly. And if I cry or shudder when I look in the mirror, it's not because I am ugly, it is because I am not pretty--at least, I am not the kind of pretty that is admired by the world.

So I think that the source of this insecurity is not in my appearance, because there's really nothing wrong with my appearance. I think the source of this is more that I would like for others to acknowledge my worth. If I want my appearance to be different, it is so that others will notice me, acknowledge me, and thus, acknowledge that I have value.

I also think that this is a desire that goes much farther than my longing to be "pretty." For instance, when I cried as a result of AOK's remarks about a movie character, it was not because the girl was prettier than me, exactly. It was that this girl was getting attention and admiration for her appearance, which was unlike mine--which meant that I was unworthy of that kind of attention or admiration. And if I am unworthy of this kind of admiration, and there are other girls who are worthy of it, then what is to stop Han from spending his time and thoughts on those girls over me?

Now you are probably thinking, "Hold up, o, I thought we were talking about your insecurity, and now you're talking about Han?" Yes. Han does not make me insecure, that is for sure, but my fear of him leaving is a very fertile place for insecurity to take root. That is what is has done, and it has flourished.

I knew both these things before reading Love Me Never Leave Me: I was highly insecure and I did not want Han to ever leave me. What I had not quite realized was that those two feelings were so closely connected.

Love Me Never Leave Me is a book about abandonment, but not just abandonment like being left on an orphanage doorstep. Marilyn, who has two master's degrees and a private counseling practice, goes into great detail about emotional abandonment and the fear of abandonment. She says that nearly everyone copes with abandonment issues in some way, even if it's subconcious, even if it's emotional, even if it's just the fear of abandoment, and that some struggle with it more than others. I think she is right. I can't explain it the way she can, so you should just go buy the book and read it.

So at around probably midnight or a little later last night, I've figured out that my insecurity is some form of an "abandonment issue", because it stems largely from my fear of being left by Han. And then I read this part of Marilyn's book, an account of how she felt after stealing communion crackers from her church's kitchen:

I didn't know it then, but I was suffering from shame. I feared that somehow I had so deeply offended God that I was not worthy of forgiveness. Surely only an unworthy pagan would steal symbols of Him. And if God wouldn't, or couldn't, forgive me, then He would surely reject me. He would abandon me, and I'd get left with all the other worthless sinners who had offended Him so mightily that He cast them away from His presence, never to be allowed readmittance.

And I thought, "Wow. I feel like that all the time." Fortunately, Marilyn's book is also full of scripture that reassures of us God's faith, love, and forgiveness. Thank God for Marilyn Meberg.

Anyway, I started thinking again, because I need the practice, and I was thinking about a time recently when I was crying, specifically for the fear of Han leaving me. One of the weirdest things about that night was that Han was with me (I don't usually cry in the presence of others). So I gave a great amount of thought to his reaction.

He was half upset, because he hates it when I am sad, and he hates it even more when I cry. But he was also half amused, because he sees my fears of him breaking up with me as unfounded and silly. He kept saying, "Honey, I'm not going to leave you, I love you. I've already told you that I won't break up with you, you don't need to worry about it."

I wonder if that's what God is doing when I fret and cry for the shame that Marilyn wrote about. So often, when I am miserable for that kind of shame, I envision God ignoring me... abandonment. But if God is who he says he is, then I had it all wrong, and that is not what would he would be doing at all. He would be more like what Han was doing, hugging me and, half-laughing, reminding me of things like Isaiah 41: 9 ("I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.") and 1 John 1:9 ("If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.") I know now that that is what he is really doing, and I think it will bring me so much peace in the nights to come.

<3 o.

p.s. : I highly recommend this book for anyone who does or does not think they have abandonment issues. Marilyn is a clever and witty writer, who knows how to incorporate just the right doses of humor with moving and influencial writing.

Are You Calling Me Irrational?

Because I'll tear your head off, Daniel! I'm gonna tear it off, and I'm gonna... throw it over that fence!

-Kim from Freaks and Geeks

When writing in my blog, I often try to restrain myself from sounding too whiney or irrational, because I don't want to come off like that to anyone who will read it. It is a good practice, because when I try not to seem whiney or irrational, I actually think things through better, and I think that will make me less selfish and narrow-minded in my day-to-day life.

I have to remember, though, that I am not writing in this blog for the sake of others, I am writing it for me. If my main focus is to impress anyone who reads this, then I probably will not be able to fully benefit from my blog.

So, at the risk of once again sounding whiney and irrational (though not quite as whiney or irrational as in my post 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight? Oh Wait... No'), I am going to write exactly what I have been thinking, so that I can get it out of my system.

Let's talk about Elsa. Elsa has every reason in the world to be unhappy. If I had limited mobility or had to be dependent upon others, I would be unhappy all the time. It seems so difficult for her to make good friends, maybe because they feel awkward around her, or maybe because it is difficult to find people who can offer the extra help she will sometimes need, I don't know. It just seems that with nearly everything she has to do, there is a challenge involved... but she is still content a lot of the time. She has somehow been able to accept and move on. I've said that before, I know. I'm not done.

Elsa gets unhappy sometimes, like anyone else, often depending upon different things that are going on. She is miserable on occasion. (To me, unhappy is emotionally upset and miserable is crying.) I know those little facts about her because I asked. So why is it that Elsa, who has pretty much every right to be angry at the world, can be content, and I, who have almost no right to be angry at anything, can barely go a day without tears?

Am I really that unreasonable? A lot of times, my misery will stem from something relatively small. For example, today:

I am visiting Han at the hospital, and his friend, AOK, and his girlfriend, Tina, come in to see him also. While I am there, AOK starts randomly talking about some barely-clothed character in a movie, how hot she was, blahblahblah. I don't know about other people, but to me, that's just... really rude. And kind of insulting. It makes me very unhappy to know that Han's friend is willing to just sit there and talk about other women with both their girlfriends sitting right there... I mean, I understand that boys will be boys, and they have thoughts and whatever, but it would be nice if they could try to limit their fantasies about other women... or at least keep them to themselves?

Moving on, Tina didn't seem really bothered by it. Okay, so she's used to it, or she's sure enough of herself that it doesn't concern her. Not so much with me. It was a little occurrence, but it has just gnawed and gnawed at me for hours. It was like being pecked to death by ducks. It grew from annoyance with AOK to embarrassment of my appearance to insecurity about my ability to meet others' standards to distress about all three. So, in the end, I was in tears for probably an hour because Han's friend made a few remarks without really thinking (which he does a lot).

Can that possibly be normal? I have this feeling it isn't... but if it isn't, is it my fault? I know that I shouldn't be so sensitive/insecure, but it's not like I try to be. In fact, more often than not, I try not to be. It doesn't seem to be something I can help...

But, little o, everyone gets insecure, even to the point of tears, at times! Well, yeah, but where is the demarcation for unnaturally insecure? Depending on circumstances, I would not be surprised for some people to be so miserable, let's say, once or twice a month. And in certain cases, maybe if there is a specific long-lasting insecurity, I would think crying once a week would probably be reasonable. What kind of criteria would have to be met for someone to cry every day or every other day? I don't like to think of myself as self-centered, but I can't think of many other explanations.

I don't think I can be that self-centered. I mean... that doesn't even make sense. I care about people. I want to help people. Self-centered people don't care about or want to help people. Not really. And I actually make a conscious effort to not be self-centered.

Okay not really. Okay maybe. I don't know. Define 'mental illness.'

Bottom line: Something is so not right. I don't care if it's normal or not, crying six nights of the week over various insecurities and/or fears is just not right. I really hate it when people talk about their problems as if no one else has problems, and I'm afraid that that's what I just did. I just don't get it. I really don't understand why things get to me so easily... It's so easy for me to get upset, it's not even always other people.

It's like a nightmare. Except for the part where you wake up and it's all over.
-Adrian Monk from Monk

No, seriously. You know those nightmares where, when you wake up, you're still half in it, and you're kind of half-panicked because you haven't really acknowledged that you were asleep when it happened? Sometimes, I kind of get stuck there. One time, I had a dream that someone killed my dog, and I woke up crying over my dead dog, and it took me several minutes to remember that I don't have a dog. But... I do that a lot, and more often than not, I'm not even asleep when it happens. I just randomly have these horrifying nightmares, but while I'm awake. Someone is breaking into my room and he has a knife, Han cheated on me, I just recieved a phone call that my parents died in a car crash. Whatever it is, it's like I'm having the nightmare, but I'm not asleep... which makes it very difficult for me to wake up and acknowledge that I was asleep when it happened, because, um, I wasn't.

It's very confusing and very distressing. It is sometimes very hard to convince myself that whatever it was wasn't real. I have called Han at 2 o'clock in the morning and I sneak into my parents' and little sisters' rooms to make sure that it wasn't real sometimes. I have to, or else I just sit on my bed trying to remember if it really happened.

So the nightmare thing is a lot different from my oversensitive insecurities thing, but they are both big contributors to my constant misery, and I don't know what to do about either of them.

I don't really expect a response to this, mostly because it was entirely for my own benefit, but I also can't really imagine how anyone would respond to it. ^^; Have a lovely evening!

<3>

p.s. : Both images are from postsecret, which can be found under my Things You Should Click On list.