The Chaotic Void

Otherwise known as "my life."

Have you ever noticed that as soon as you get one problem fixed, another one is ready and willing to takes its place? And how is that even fair? Let's not talk about it.

Do you know what one thing I hate is? I hate spending money on myself. I really do. I hate buying things for me with a passion. I occasionally do it, thinking that I deserve a pick-me-up, and that somehow buying this adorable shirt or addictive movie will help me feel better. However, I always regret it. And don't get me wrong; I have excellent taste in both shirts and movies.


But after I buy it, I immediately regret it. I don't need whatever I just bought. And the money I spent on what I don't need could have been spent on something else. For someone else.

I adore buying things for other people. Whenever I buy something for myself, all I can think about is what I could have bought for someone else with that same money. And then it's very hard for me to enjoy whatever it is I just bought.

I am thinking about this because tonight I bought myself some new underwear (because who doesn't feel better when they know that they're wearing cute underwear?) and a couple of dresses that were on sale for $5 each. I spent about $20 altogether. Which, comparatively speaking, isn't much. I mean, most shirts are like $15, and most people spend WAY more on themselves than that when they buy something. But all I can think is, "I could have bought this book for my sister. I could have bought this card for AOK. I could have bought this movie for Elsa." It's frustrating.

Man I feel like crap. I don't even know why I feel like crap. I have random, strong urges to do myself injury. Not necessarily physical injury, either. I just get these urges to hurt myself, or to do things that I know will be detrimental to my emotional stability. I'm getting impulsive and careless, and it scares me.

Case in point: I forgot to go to class the other day. I completely skipped fifth hour. I went from fourth hour to sixth hour. And I didn't even realize I'd missed fifth hour until five minutes before it was over. In addition, I am getting to school late. Late. Me! And I'm procrastinating even more than usually. Which is hard to pull off. And mostly results in things not getting done ever.

Something else to worry about: My therapist wants me to get an examination because of what happened with Han, to make sure everything is alright physically. This is fine by me, except for trying to get to the doctor without Mom and/or Dad knowing where I'm going. They are very strict about knowing where I am and what I'm doing at all times. I hate to miss more school, but I already have to take finals, so I'll probably just have to schedule the appointment during school and get a doctor's note for the attendance. But it is still stressing me out.

Okay I'm going to start talking about what I was talking about earlier again. Impulsive. Careless. Self-destructive.

I read a book once called The Thirteenth Tale.

It's a really good book. In it, there are two twins: Adeline and Emmeline. They're interesting girls. Adeline is violent and dominant, while Emmeline is submissive and quiet. Adeline constantly attacks Emmeline and will do things just to make life harder for her twin. Emmeline bears all of Adeline's abuse and does everything she can to help her sister despite it.

That's what I feel like I'm doing. I feel like I'm attacking myself and I'm just sitting there taking it, and even trying to make myself happy despite the fact that I'm abusive to myself. What? Okay so that makes no sense. See the confusion?

<3 o.

p.s. : The image is from postsecret. Duh.

p.p.s. : Did you notice how unorganized this post was? That's how my brain is all the time anymore. Nothing is every organized. Everything is scattered all over the place, like a book that's had its pages torn out by a poorly disciplined child. Ugh.

Are You Calling Me Irrational?

Because I'll tear your head off, Daniel! I'm gonna tear it off, and I'm gonna... throw it over that fence!

-Kim from Freaks and Geeks

When writing in my blog, I often try to restrain myself from sounding too whiney or irrational, because I don't want to come off like that to anyone who will read it. It is a good practice, because when I try not to seem whiney or irrational, I actually think things through better, and I think that will make me less selfish and narrow-minded in my day-to-day life.

I have to remember, though, that I am not writing in this blog for the sake of others, I am writing it for me. If my main focus is to impress anyone who reads this, then I probably will not be able to fully benefit from my blog.

So, at the risk of once again sounding whiney and irrational (though not quite as whiney or irrational as in my post 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight? Oh Wait... No'), I am going to write exactly what I have been thinking, so that I can get it out of my system.

Let's talk about Elsa. Elsa has every reason in the world to be unhappy. If I had limited mobility or had to be dependent upon others, I would be unhappy all the time. It seems so difficult for her to make good friends, maybe because they feel awkward around her, or maybe because it is difficult to find people who can offer the extra help she will sometimes need, I don't know. It just seems that with nearly everything she has to do, there is a challenge involved... but she is still content a lot of the time. She has somehow been able to accept and move on. I've said that before, I know. I'm not done.

Elsa gets unhappy sometimes, like anyone else, often depending upon different things that are going on. She is miserable on occasion. (To me, unhappy is emotionally upset and miserable is crying.) I know those little facts about her because I asked. So why is it that Elsa, who has pretty much every right to be angry at the world, can be content, and I, who have almost no right to be angry at anything, can barely go a day without tears?

Am I really that unreasonable? A lot of times, my misery will stem from something relatively small. For example, today:

I am visiting Han at the hospital, and his friend, AOK, and his girlfriend, Tina, come in to see him also. While I am there, AOK starts randomly talking about some barely-clothed character in a movie, how hot she was, blahblahblah. I don't know about other people, but to me, that's just... really rude. And kind of insulting. It makes me very unhappy to know that Han's friend is willing to just sit there and talk about other women with both their girlfriends sitting right there... I mean, I understand that boys will be boys, and they have thoughts and whatever, but it would be nice if they could try to limit their fantasies about other women... or at least keep them to themselves?

Moving on, Tina didn't seem really bothered by it. Okay, so she's used to it, or she's sure enough of herself that it doesn't concern her. Not so much with me. It was a little occurrence, but it has just gnawed and gnawed at me for hours. It was like being pecked to death by ducks. It grew from annoyance with AOK to embarrassment of my appearance to insecurity about my ability to meet others' standards to distress about all three. So, in the end, I was in tears for probably an hour because Han's friend made a few remarks without really thinking (which he does a lot).

Can that possibly be normal? I have this feeling it isn't... but if it isn't, is it my fault? I know that I shouldn't be so sensitive/insecure, but it's not like I try to be. In fact, more often than not, I try not to be. It doesn't seem to be something I can help...

But, little o, everyone gets insecure, even to the point of tears, at times! Well, yeah, but where is the demarcation for unnaturally insecure? Depending on circumstances, I would not be surprised for some people to be so miserable, let's say, once or twice a month. And in certain cases, maybe if there is a specific long-lasting insecurity, I would think crying once a week would probably be reasonable. What kind of criteria would have to be met for someone to cry every day or every other day? I don't like to think of myself as self-centered, but I can't think of many other explanations.

I don't think I can be that self-centered. I mean... that doesn't even make sense. I care about people. I want to help people. Self-centered people don't care about or want to help people. Not really. And I actually make a conscious effort to not be self-centered.

Okay not really. Okay maybe. I don't know. Define 'mental illness.'

Bottom line: Something is so not right. I don't care if it's normal or not, crying six nights of the week over various insecurities and/or fears is just not right. I really hate it when people talk about their problems as if no one else has problems, and I'm afraid that that's what I just did. I just don't get it. I really don't understand why things get to me so easily... It's so easy for me to get upset, it's not even always other people.

It's like a nightmare. Except for the part where you wake up and it's all over.
-Adrian Monk from Monk

No, seriously. You know those nightmares where, when you wake up, you're still half in it, and you're kind of half-panicked because you haven't really acknowledged that you were asleep when it happened? Sometimes, I kind of get stuck there. One time, I had a dream that someone killed my dog, and I woke up crying over my dead dog, and it took me several minutes to remember that I don't have a dog. But... I do that a lot, and more often than not, I'm not even asleep when it happens. I just randomly have these horrifying nightmares, but while I'm awake. Someone is breaking into my room and he has a knife, Han cheated on me, I just recieved a phone call that my parents died in a car crash. Whatever it is, it's like I'm having the nightmare, but I'm not asleep... which makes it very difficult for me to wake up and acknowledge that I was asleep when it happened, because, um, I wasn't.

It's very confusing and very distressing. It is sometimes very hard to convince myself that whatever it was wasn't real. I have called Han at 2 o'clock in the morning and I sneak into my parents' and little sisters' rooms to make sure that it wasn't real sometimes. I have to, or else I just sit on my bed trying to remember if it really happened.

So the nightmare thing is a lot different from my oversensitive insecurities thing, but they are both big contributors to my constant misery, and I don't know what to do about either of them.

I don't really expect a response to this, mostly because it was entirely for my own benefit, but I also can't really imagine how anyone would respond to it. ^^; Have a lovely evening!

<3>

p.s. : Both images are from postsecret, which can be found under my Things You Should Click On list.