I Wasn't But I Might As Well Have Been

At the risk of being repetitive, I feel like I'm completely losing control of myself.

Even right now, I can't write what I want to. My mind is a mess. It's like someone ransacked it.

Last night I went to T.H. with my cousin. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her before, so we'll call her Stretch. Well, first we went to eat at Fazoli's, which was fun. We both drank a lot of coke, so by the end of the night we really needed to use the bathroom. We decided to get refills then use the bathroom, so we were filling our drinks, when Stretch got too much and spilled it, and it went all over her arm and the counter. For some reason, I found this hilariously funny. We cleaned it up, and she got more coke, and then spilled it again. We both cracked up, and only laughed harder when a nearby onlooker stated, "Looks like someone couldn't handle the drinks tonight." Stretch said that she had to pee and asked me to handle the coke and then left. I could have been annoyed - that was a lot of coke - but for some reason, I just couldn't stop LAUGHING. That basically kept up the whole night.

And then I sent AOK "drunk texts." I don't even know why. Seriously. Why would a person do that? Honestly, they weren't supposed to look as drunk as they did. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing. I was so out of it and I couldn't stop laughing and I was talking to Stretch at the same time. Seriously, I have no idea what I was doing last night. I just remember freaking out all night. I mean, I was just all over the place. And I have no idea why or what I was doing.

I barely do my homework anymore. That's really not good. I mean, I look at my homework, and I think, "Eh, it can wait." Yeah. I do that, you know, the morning of the day it's due. I don't remember the last time I did anything before the twenty-four hours in which I was supposed to turn it in.

And I bought myself more crap. What is wrong with me? A CD for a singer that I shouldn't even like and a new bra. In my defense, they were both on sale. But seriously. I didn't need a new bra. And Lady Gaga? Why did I buy that? Practically the whole CD is about sex. Why did I buy that?

I do like a few of the songs.

That's not the point.

But I don't know what the point is exactly anyway. I know I've said all this about feeling out of control before, but it's getting a little scary. And right now I'm alone. I don't want to be alone. I wish I could go see AOK but he's working on a car right now. But I really don't feel safe right now. I'm all panicky and shaky and my mind is racing. I'm also starving. I'm always hungry now. I don't understand.

<3 o.