Drama Is Life With The Dull Bits Cut Out.

-Sir Alfred Joseph Hitchcock

And let me tell you, all of my dull bits have been cut out! I don't think my mind ever has a moment's peace.

I don't know if I even want to write about this. I know most people would find what I would write about to be insignificant, whiny, and overdramatic.

So let me remind you: Yes, it is dramatic. But that's life. And just because it's dramatic doesn't make the emotions any less real. So if you are prone to mocking those who become upset when put in complicated situations... stop reading now.

I love Han. Thankfully, he has lessened his attack on my friendship with Senor. Unfortunately, Senor has increased his feelings for me. I didn't think something like this would ever happen. It is a surreal, unlikely, and devastating situation. I merely want to be friends with Senor; he has had a miserable upbringing, and his home life is literally nonexistant. He is in need of a good friend and a good influence; I want to be that influence. A lot of people don't notice him, or if they do, it is not in a positive way. However,

Everyone has some light somewhere. And light is always worth fighting for.
-Fix-It God, Joan of Arcadia Season 1

Well, it didn't take long before I was pretty sure I'd found his "light." He's a sweet guy. He has his downfalls, but doesn't everyone? He is low on the criticism and heavy on the compliments. In the battle between good and evil, he would fight for good. He loves love.

Here's the problem. When you're the only person to see another person's light, they tend to think that you're something special for some reason. Newsflash: I'm not. But Senor thinks I am. He's completely fallen for me, and he doesn't really try to hide it. He's promised to try not to make things difficult for me, but I think he's pretty affection/attention-starved.

I don't want a romantic relationship with Senor. I don't know if I want a romantic relationship at all.

I love Han to pieces. I do. But right now, I feel like I'm being torn apart at the seams. I don't feel happy enough to be affectionate towards anyone, and that means I'm disappointing him greatly. We've been having problems for a few months, but it's hard to pinpoint exactly what they are. Honestly, I think these problems are me - I have been feeling so out of sorts. Nothing I do make sense. My actions and mood swings are beyond my normal level of bizarre.

To be completely honest, I would love nothing more right now than to hole myself up in my bedroom and never see or talk to anyone again for several months.

I can't explain this feeling.

The stress of Senor? Maybe. Although honestly, his crush doesn't bother me. He'll get over that in little to no time. What bothers me is knowing that his little crush is a disappointment waiting to happen.

The conflicts with Han? Perhaps. No one likes negativity - not really. But avoiding it would only make it worse. I would feel much better if we were able to talk it out and get it settled, and I know that.

So why the sudden aversion to people and to connections in general? Normally, I would be talking to Elsa about this - I am talking to her about right now - but I don't want to talk. I just want to think. By myself. All on my own.

Which was the point of this blog anyway, wasn't it?

I don't know. I'm so confused. I've always wanted to help people - I've always put the well-being of others ahead of my own, within reason, and sometimes without reason. That is not to say that I've never acted selfishly. But when given the chance to think it through, I will very, very rarely act for the good of me over someone else.

Suddenly, I just want to hide from everyone I care about. And who care about me. I just want to get away. I feel trapped by my connections. How can that be? They used to always make me feel safe.

<3 o.