Lately, I have cared less and less about me. And I don't mean that in the morbid, depressing, "I don't care about my life; I wish I would die; I'm so worthless" way. It is a little harder to explain.
I don't really know how.
Basically, I am not myself, but I like it.
All my life, I have been abrasive, somewhat anti-social, stubborn, and pretty selfish. I am not a people person by nature. But lately, I have become more and more drawn to people, in an interesting way. I believe I've mentioned before that I want to help people... lately I've wanted to badly to do that. Senor is one situation. I don't care how he feels about me. Does he have a crush on me? Does he not? I don't care. He needs help, he wants help, but he confesses that he doesn't feel valuable enough to ask for it. I want so desperately to help.
This goes so much against my "natural" personality. Yet, it's my instinctive desire, to help. Needless to say, I'm pretty confused.
Most of my life, I've been spiteful and sarcastic towards people. Now I'm suddenly trying to look at things from different angles and perspectives, trying to figure out if there are reasons they are behaving like that - I'm asking if they need help, in case they don't know how to ask for it. What is going on with me?!
Despite how completely insane and weird and totally unnaturally instinctive I'm being, I kind of like it. Even though a few people give me weird looks, my hugs are occasionally accepted, and I think that maybe I have made an impact on Senor's life - it may only be very small so far, because we haven't known each other very long, but I think I might have. Even though I have always claimed to "hate people," I think I might enjoy being loving.
Okay, there's no think about it. I know that I like it. I love it. I want to be like this forever. I want to be the person that people know they can come to when they have a problem and talk to or just get a hug or even just show up at their house late at night if something really bad happens. I know that it sounds totally dorky and maybe even unrealistic, but can you imagine what kind of person I would be? Loving, understanding, patient, helpful, peaceful, kind, generous, faithful, hopeful... basically all the qualities that I've always admired in other people.
Here's the main problem: I want to always be completely available to help anyone who needs it, and that is just not possible while I am dating Han. I love Han. I do. He has pieces of me that I don't want to separate from, and breaking up with him would tear me apart. But... he can be very possessive. I know he doesn't mean to be, but I don't foresee, and I can't even imagine, this working out. He does not like me spending excessive amounts of time with lots of other people; he starts to feel neglected, like I'm tired of him.
I don't want to leave Han. I love Han! But I can't ignore my unnatural instinct to help people. I'll be forever scared that, if I ignore an urge to help someone because of upsetting Han, someone will go on hurting because I limited myself too much to reach out to them.
I don't know what to do. Han would have to loosen the reins a bit for this to work - not just in time-spending, but physically, also. He'd have to be comfortable with me talking to other people.
I know this sounds like a totally weird thought process. What are you talking about, little o?
I'm not sure. I think my brain is going to explode from all the thoughts racing through it! Can anyone else make sense of this?!
<3>
p.s. : EDIT
Since this has been written, I've changed my mind. I want to be with Han now and always and I'd give up anything for that.
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1 comment:
I think that you are growing up. Not only growing up, but developing into a really nice person.
I wonder if perhaps Han could be included in your helping people, or at least asked and then if he doesn't want to, that's his choice.
Whatever you do don't supress your needs to fit in with someone else
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