You Know There's Something Wrong When...

1. You miss school Thursday and Friday, have a Snow Day on Monday, and return to school Tuesday to discover that the outline for a research paper (for which the topic you have yet to choose) is due on Wednesday. You have a powerpoint presentation to finish over Vienna, Austria that you also need to have done by Wednesday. First hour Wednesday, you have an Econ test and you didn't bring your Econ book home to study.

2. You cry a lot for stupid reasons. Reasons like you have a big nose or that you'll probably never be able to write a book. And what sort of reason is that? If you want to write a book, then write a book. You can hardly cry because you'll never be able to write a book unless you're terminally ill or completely incapable of writing. Otherwise, what are you crying for? Nonetheless, you cry about it. Not because you want to, or you choose to. But thinking about these things makes you cry, and you just can't stop thinking about them. You really don't have a choice.

3. You cry a lot for no reason. You're just sitting there reading or working on a paper and all of a sudden you become conscious of the fact that you are crying. Upon further investigation, you can find no trigger for this phenomenon. No pain, no irritant (emotional or otherwise), no reason at all. And yet, you are completely incapable of stopping yourself - and then the fact that you can't stop yourself from crying for no reason at all seems to you a very good reason to be very upset, and that only makes you cry more.

4. You yell at your reflection in one mirror, and cry to the one in the other. As if they were people. As if they were different people, with different personalities. As if one reflection were to blame for whatever is upsetting you, and as if the other reflection is able to make you feel better. And then you apologize to them - for being insensitive and a burden. As if they care!

5. You don't enjoy anything. Your favorite past-times go unfinished if and when you call forth the energy to start them - which isn't very often, because it takes nearly all of your energy just to drag yourself out of bed in the morning. This is even worse if you have a reputation of being an energetic person. Five hours of sleep? Eight hours? Fourteen? Regardless, you wake with the same feeling: Complete and utter, unshakeable exhaustion. Apathy. Carelessness. The feelings drag on through things you are usually so dedicated to; art, sports, school, friends, church, music, whatever. All of a sudden, none of those things seem to matter very much. Or, if they do, you simply don't have the will to deal with them, because they aren't really enjoyable, they are a burden now.

6. Your way of coping with these difficulties is mostly thinking of self-mutilation. Attempts to find a way to hurt yourself without any physical damage, outside sign of self-inflicted pain, or hurt to your friends. You don't want to do any real, physical damage. You don't want to end up in a hospital, because you don't want this to be public. You don't want your friends to know, because you don't want them to have any feelings of confusion or guilt. Self-inflicted emotional abuse? Does that exist? You could take your migraine painkiller every day -- that might fix the problem all together. The doctor gave you a pretty high dosage; the medicine makes you pretty loopy. But, no, that's illegal.

7. No one believes you. According to everyone you take the time or energy to confess this to, you are a drama queen, you are over-reacting, you are crazy -- but you're fine, and nothing is wrong with you! You just need to cheer up and get over it -- and if you don't, then these people (whom, you decided after much internal mental conflict, you trusted) are going to have to leave or stop talking or walk away if you don't -- because they can't handle it. Because your emotional fits are too much for them to handle. Yes, your tears, your fits, your stress, and your all-around madness is too much for these outsiders to handle, but you -- the person coping with having all of it running around inside your skull -- are expected to "cheer up" and "get over it." As if you have a choice. As if you choose to cry compulsively. As if that's something you take pride in. As if screaming at your mirror is enjoyable. As if it's comforting that the only that comforts you is the idea of hurting yourself. Yeah. I bet you totally love it. I bet that you choose that, and I bet you wouldn't change it if you could.

<3 o.

p.s. : My mother doesn't know much, if any of this, but I've told her that I need "help," and we are in the process of finding me a psychologist.

So Unnaturally Myself... Or Naturally Not Myself?

Lately, I have cared less and less about me. And I don't mean that in the morbid, depressing, "I don't care about my life; I wish I would die; I'm so worthless" way. It is a little harder to explain.

I don't really know how.

Basically, I am not myself, but I like it.

All my life, I have been abrasive, somewhat anti-social, stubborn, and pretty selfish. I am not a people person by nature. But lately, I have become more and more drawn to people, in an interesting way. I believe I've mentioned before that I want to help people... lately I've wanted to badly to do that. Senor is one situation. I don't care how he feels about me. Does he have a crush on me? Does he not? I don't care. He needs help, he wants help, but he confesses that he doesn't feel valuable enough to ask for it. I want so desperately to help.

This goes so much against my "natural" personality. Yet, it's my instinctive desire, to help. Needless to say, I'm pretty confused.

Most of my life, I've been spiteful and sarcastic towards people. Now I'm suddenly trying to look at things from different angles and perspectives, trying to figure out if there are reasons they are behaving like that - I'm asking if they need help, in case they don't know how to ask for it. What is going on with me?!

Despite how completely insane and weird and totally unnaturally instinctive I'm being, I kind of like it. Even though a few people give me weird looks, my hugs are occasionally accepted, and I think that maybe I have made an impact on Senor's life - it may only be very small so far, because we haven't known each other very long, but I think I might have. Even though I have always claimed to "hate people," I think I might enjoy being loving.

Okay, there's no think about it. I know that I like it. I love it. I want to be like this forever. I want to be the person that people know they can come to when they have a problem and talk to or just get a hug or even just show up at their house late at night if something really bad happens. I know that it sounds totally dorky and maybe even unrealistic, but can you imagine what kind of person I would be? Loving, understanding, patient, helpful, peaceful, kind, generous, faithful, hopeful... basically all the qualities that I've always admired in other people.

Here's the main problem: I want to always be completely available to help anyone who needs it, and that is just not possible while I am dating Han. I love Han. I do. He has pieces of me that I don't want to separate from, and breaking up with him would tear me apart. But... he can be very possessive. I know he doesn't mean to be, but I don't foresee, and I can't even imagine, this working out. He does not like me spending excessive amounts of time with lots of other people; he starts to feel neglected, like I'm tired of him.

I don't want to leave Han. I love Han! But I can't ignore my unnatural instinct to help people. I'll be forever scared that, if I ignore an urge to help someone because of upsetting Han, someone will go on hurting because I limited myself too much to reach out to them.

I don't know what to do. Han would have to loosen the reins a bit for this to work - not just in time-spending, but physically, also. He'd have to be comfortable with me talking to other people.

I know this sounds like a totally weird thought process. What are you talking about, little o?

I'm not sure. I think my brain is going to explode from all the thoughts racing through it! Can anyone else make sense of this?!

<3>

p.s. : EDIT
Since this has been written, I've changed my mind. I want to be with Han now and always and I'd give up anything for that.

Drama Is Life With The Dull Bits Cut Out.

-Sir Alfred Joseph Hitchcock

And let me tell you, all of my dull bits have been cut out! I don't think my mind ever has a moment's peace.

I don't know if I even want to write about this. I know most people would find what I would write about to be insignificant, whiny, and overdramatic.

So let me remind you: Yes, it is dramatic. But that's life. And just because it's dramatic doesn't make the emotions any less real. So if you are prone to mocking those who become upset when put in complicated situations... stop reading now.

I love Han. Thankfully, he has lessened his attack on my friendship with Senor. Unfortunately, Senor has increased his feelings for me. I didn't think something like this would ever happen. It is a surreal, unlikely, and devastating situation. I merely want to be friends with Senor; he has had a miserable upbringing, and his home life is literally nonexistant. He is in need of a good friend and a good influence; I want to be that influence. A lot of people don't notice him, or if they do, it is not in a positive way. However,

Everyone has some light somewhere. And light is always worth fighting for.
-Fix-It God, Joan of Arcadia Season 1

Well, it didn't take long before I was pretty sure I'd found his "light." He's a sweet guy. He has his downfalls, but doesn't everyone? He is low on the criticism and heavy on the compliments. In the battle between good and evil, he would fight for good. He loves love.

Here's the problem. When you're the only person to see another person's light, they tend to think that you're something special for some reason. Newsflash: I'm not. But Senor thinks I am. He's completely fallen for me, and he doesn't really try to hide it. He's promised to try not to make things difficult for me, but I think he's pretty affection/attention-starved.

I don't want a romantic relationship with Senor. I don't know if I want a romantic relationship at all.

I love Han to pieces. I do. But right now, I feel like I'm being torn apart at the seams. I don't feel happy enough to be affectionate towards anyone, and that means I'm disappointing him greatly. We've been having problems for a few months, but it's hard to pinpoint exactly what they are. Honestly, I think these problems are me - I have been feeling so out of sorts. Nothing I do make sense. My actions and mood swings are beyond my normal level of bizarre.

To be completely honest, I would love nothing more right now than to hole myself up in my bedroom and never see or talk to anyone again for several months.

I can't explain this feeling.

The stress of Senor? Maybe. Although honestly, his crush doesn't bother me. He'll get over that in little to no time. What bothers me is knowing that his little crush is a disappointment waiting to happen.

The conflicts with Han? Perhaps. No one likes negativity - not really. But avoiding it would only make it worse. I would feel much better if we were able to talk it out and get it settled, and I know that.

So why the sudden aversion to people and to connections in general? Normally, I would be talking to Elsa about this - I am talking to her about right now - but I don't want to talk. I just want to think. By myself. All on my own.

Which was the point of this blog anyway, wasn't it?

I don't know. I'm so confused. I've always wanted to help people - I've always put the well-being of others ahead of my own, within reason, and sometimes without reason. That is not to say that I've never acted selfishly. But when given the chance to think it through, I will very, very rarely act for the good of me over someone else.

Suddenly, I just want to hide from everyone I care about. And who care about me. I just want to get away. I feel trapped by my connections. How can that be? They used to always make me feel safe.

<3 o.