Already?

It's 2009. Congratulations, we have survived another year, only to take on a new one head-on.

It's times like these when I think, "Another year gone. Another year wasted." Because what have I accomplished this year? Nothing. I don't even remember last year's resolution, and I can tell you now that, whatever other goals I have set for myself throughout the year, have been abandoned and forgotten.

And to add to this feeling of doom-and-gloom, I am also facing the feeling of having lost two and a half years of my life with Han. Really wasted? It's hard to tell. Some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't. I believe that something good can come from everything that happens -- can. Not necessarily will. But I don't believe that everything happens for the sole purpose of that one thing that could happen as a result. Han still insists that we'll be back together, and soon. I've made it clear to him that he's going to have to work for it. Do I mean that? No. But does he know that? I hope not.

When Han and I first met, I had a very pessimistic, negative attitude towards men and love. I didn't want to date anyone. Ever. But especially that year -- that had been my New Year's Resolution that year. To stay single. Well, Han messed that one up. September of that year we were going out. I couldn't say no to him -- and I haven't been able to say no to him since.

That isn't saying it was easy for him to get me. I was not open to the idea of men at all, much less dating one, and he knew that. It took him a long time to befriend me, much less get up the nerve to ask me to do the one thing he knew I didn't really believe in -- to be with someone. When I say that Han has to work for it, I mean that I have a very similar attitude now. Men are cruel and manipulative and relationships always end badly. Han is going to have to start nearly completely over. He is going to have to work in order to regain trust and and access to love.

But I digress. I have gotten off-subject. In addition to all the confusion already in my life, we now have this: What is my resolution? Well, that depends on what I want, doesn't it? What do I want to be like? What do I want to do? What do I want? And I don't know. I don't know what I want.

I have wasted yet another year of my life. An entire year. And what can I do this year to ensure that I don't do it again? Little, I fear, other than to keep in mind that I don't want to waste it. And there -- I didn't have a resolution before, but I have found it now. I resolve to not waste my year. And how is that? After all, it is my philosophy, isn't it? The one I mentioned when I first started this blog? "Don't do nothing." So, I still don't know what I want to be like or what I want to do or anything else that I want. But I do know what I don't want. I don't want to waste another year of my life.

I could write more, but I am tired. Good night / morning, everyone. :] I hope that your New Year will be the beginning of something good.

<3 o.