NAMI:
Major depression is a serious medical illness affecting 15 million American adults, or approximately 5 to 8 percent of the adult population in a given year. Unlike normal emotional experiences of sadness, loss, or passing mood states, major depression is persistent and can significantly interfere with an individual’s thoughts, behavior, mood, activity, and physical health. Among all medical illnesses, major depression is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and many other developed countries.
DEPRESSION.COM:
Depression is not something you can just "snap out of." It's thought to be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals, along with other factors. Like any serious medical condition, depression needs to be treated.
That with more screaming and crying. That's what it feels like.
SO WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND? WHAT?! TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND I WILL LOOK IT UP AND PUT IT INTO UNDERSTANDABLE TERMS FOR YOU.
I do not have control over my feelings.
So, Han, I do not have control over how I feel. For the record, I feel unwanted, unloved, unworthy, unbeautiful, and un-anything-good. And for the record, Han was the only thing that every made me feel wanted, loved, worthy, beautiful, or good. I remember when he said he didn't know what he'd do with out me. I remember when he didn't want to let go of our hugs. I remember when he didn't pull immediately away from a kiss. I remember when he hated to not hold my hand. I remember when he'd hold me if I was crying. I remember when I was something to cherish. I remember when I wasn't a nuisance. I remember when he didn't care what others thought, as long as I was happy. I remember when he never yelled at me. I remember all those things and more.
Why doesn't he remember? Or care? Or whatever?
He says his problem is that I'm not happy. BUT THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME NOT HAPPY. He says the one thing he wants more than anything else in the world is my happiness. But he HAS my happiness... I just wish he'd give some of it to me!
What does he NOT understand? He says I've changed, but I am exactly the same as I was when we met: sad, lonely, hopeless. Only then, he wanted to make me happy. Now he wants nothing to do with me unless I can make myself happy.
What does he NOT understand? Or does he understand and not care?
I can't make anyone happy. I can't make me happy. I can't make my parents happy, I can't make Han happy, I can't even make my rabbit happy. I can't even MAKE ME HAPPY.
I could just die.
<3 o.
3 comments:
My heart hurts for you. Not knowing Han nor you leaves me only to be able to speculate and that is far fetched so I will not go there. All I can say is that reading some of your posts, I do believe that you are capable of happiness - both giving and receiving. Yes depression is a state of gloom and doom but there is help - whether is comes in shape of a friend or a drug, it is help. The biggest hindrance would be your own personal brain. If you choose not to be well - nothing will make you well. You seem like an incredible person to know. I hope that when you read this, you will understand even a glimmer of your value. You are valuable - enough for Han to love you then regardless of whether he understands anything or not and you are very much needed in this world. I have been through hell and back more times than I care to count - the one thing I learned is that if you want it, you have to fight for it. What if Han could understand and it is you who isn't hearing him?... again, I do not know. Just giving you food for thought. Not trying to upset you. I'm VERY - VERY sorry if I did. I wish you love and happiness. My best regards.
Alexis
www.alexismei.blogspot.com
I remember when my eldest son was depressed. He made all of us very sad. There were people who said 'snap out of it'. I knew that was wrong. I couldn't help him. That was really hard for me, his mother; when he was small I could give him magic kisses and he'd feel better straight away. I didn't know how to reach into the back hole and pull him back up.
I don't think Han understands. He must be very upset that he can't help you in the normal way. perhaps you should find a website, or book, which explains depression and ask him to find out from there. It is really hard to understand - until you've been close to it yourself.
Be nice to yourself, I'm sure that you will come through all this.
Little O, I was going to say something. I will not. Because, both Alexis (a good blog friend of mine) and Anji (the same) have said it all.
I simply want to say that it is great for you to write because it will help you to go on, on your road to the future. A future, I am convinced, will be rosy for you. Because, as I said before, you will grow older and your experiences will help you to absorb the past.
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