Let's Talk About Spaceships

or anything except you and me, okay? Okay.
- Say Hi To Your Mom

That is basically how I feel about this little situation I've someone been dragged into. Long story short: I have made a mistake. A really big mistake, and, no, I don't intend to share it. I won't even tell my best friend, so I see no reason to stick it on a public blog and risk anyone finding it.

So, moving on to the "spaceships" (that is to say, what we are going to talk about instead) ...

. . .

Problem. I don't have any spaceships. I have tried to write about multiple things here: fairy tales, Swan Lake, school, prom, music. Everything leads back to my problem: Han.

Han is a problem. I can't stand being away from him. But it's almost torture to be with him. Too much has happened and been happening for me to issue a full update. Let me think of a good way to put it.

Han and I had a relationship. It was a good relationship that we had built over time, and like anything that is built, it had a foundation. I don't know what exactly that foundation was, but I'll hazard a guess that it was a mixture of happiness, trust, and security. Well, over the last several weeks, the foundation seems to have started to crack. And continued to crack. Han would appear to want to maintain the relationship; however, he seems unwilling to fix the foundation. I suspect that he doesn't notice how damaged it is, or how necessary.

I could give you reasons and examples of how the foundation started it's cracking process, but I'll spare you. No, I'll spare myself. I don't even want to think about it, much less write about it. Do you know why? Because to write about it is to confirm it. It is to give the problem substance, an existence. Whereas, if it just stays in my brain, it could at some point vanish. That isn't the point. The point is this: Han has convinced me, multiple times, that we are over, done, finished, through. He has convinced me an equal number of times that we're destined, fated, and will be back together. So which do I believe?

Today he hugged me. In (semi) public. That is, on our way out of the classroom at school. At school! How long has it been since he showed an ounce of feeling for me at school? He also muttered that he loved me at school two or three times. And he drew a heart with a band-aid on it on my hand during class. Earlier tonight, I gave him a ride to the bowling alley, and on the way to the car, he had his arm around me and held me to him. He held me at his side. It felt so right!

In fact, there were only two discouraging things today: 1. Generally, when I go to pick Han up for school, he is still asleep. We usually have extra time, so I'll lay down on his bed and also go to sleep. And he always will eventually work his arms around me and pull me closer, or at least put an arm over or around me. We did this while we were dating, and we continued it after we broke up. Who knows why? Because we're idiots. Today, though, he didn't do that. I didn't even get to sleep because it bothered me so much that he didn't reach for me. 2. He's at the bowling alley and I have no way of contacting him. Okay, call me psycho. Keep in mind the last two times he went bowling: The one time, he hung up on me twice, as well as lied to his mom, to go bowling with Cheer (the girl who contributed largely, though not entirely intentionally, to our split and my great unhappiness - she was also played by Han nearly as much as I was in those weeks). The second time was at bowling practice, at which I will occasionally visit and watch, he insisted I leave and that he didn't like me watching (despite that we have bowled together before, and frequently), UNTIL everyone else had left - then he called my cell phone when I was on my way home, insisting he hadn't meant for me to GO and to come back, because everyone left. So, I'm really not thrilled about his being at the bowling alley without my being able to contact him.

Which is funny, because, you know, I really have no claim on him. Technically. And technically, he has no claim on me, either, but he is insanely possessive. If he so much suspects a guy is looking at me or interested in me, it's muttered threats and death glares. Don't you dare encroach on his unofficial territory. But, remember, little o., that don't you dare tell him what to do, because he is his own person! And he can do what he likes! And, by the way, when he's on the phone with you and he says that he "has to go," it really means that he's going to go, probably because he wants to. And don't protest - respect his wish to get off the phone. No matter how upset you are or how badly you need to talk with him. News Flash : I respect men who earn it, not demand it.

Don't consider him too big a jerk. He has not been so psycho of late. It's ironic, though, that he says we'll go back out once I'm happy again, since he hates it when I'm sad or I look sad - yet he is the main reason I am sad. I have never had any doubt before this that he was my prince - but a prince doesn't insist that the princess makes herself safe before he'll take her as his own. Most commonly, a prince will bring her to safety. Han used to do that. He's always hated to see me cry, but he used to do something about it. That is, he used to do something other than tell me to stop and sigh in an annoyed manner.

It's clear that he can't really handle me. Obviously, I stress him out, and he can't take care of me like he used to. And still he refuses to leave me alone. I've given him many an opportunity. I've told him to take the ring back. I've told him to just stay away because it will make his life so much easier. He simply won't do it.

I know that, up until now, I've made Han out to be a total monster. But he's not. It's said that you never know what you've got till it's gone, and I never knew the honesty of that statement. When we were going out, I tried to make a list of 101 things that I loved about Han. It took me a week or two to get 50 original reasons. Today, I started a list of things that I miss about him, and I got over 50 in less than a class period. And I have more in my head.

The truth is, I'm the monster. The harder I try to fix something, the worse it gets. The more I love a person, the worse I hurt them. Is there a person I've encountered that I haven't injured? Doubtful.

Sadly, there is no conclusion to this. So much for a spaceship. However, I suppose I have avoided confessing to my horrible mistake, although it was a narrow escape.

<3 o.