I Wasn't But I Might As Well Have Been

At the risk of being repetitive, I feel like I'm completely losing control of myself.

Even right now, I can't write what I want to. My mind is a mess. It's like someone ransacked it.

Last night I went to T.H. with my cousin. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her before, so we'll call her Stretch. Well, first we went to eat at Fazoli's, which was fun. We both drank a lot of coke, so by the end of the night we really needed to use the bathroom. We decided to get refills then use the bathroom, so we were filling our drinks, when Stretch got too much and spilled it, and it went all over her arm and the counter. For some reason, I found this hilariously funny. We cleaned it up, and she got more coke, and then spilled it again. We both cracked up, and only laughed harder when a nearby onlooker stated, "Looks like someone couldn't handle the drinks tonight." Stretch said that she had to pee and asked me to handle the coke and then left. I could have been annoyed - that was a lot of coke - but for some reason, I just couldn't stop LAUGHING. That basically kept up the whole night.

And then I sent AOK "drunk texts." I don't even know why. Seriously. Why would a person do that? Honestly, they weren't supposed to look as drunk as they did. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing. I was so out of it and I couldn't stop laughing and I was talking to Stretch at the same time. Seriously, I have no idea what I was doing last night. I just remember freaking out all night. I mean, I was just all over the place. And I have no idea why or what I was doing.

I barely do my homework anymore. That's really not good. I mean, I look at my homework, and I think, "Eh, it can wait." Yeah. I do that, you know, the morning of the day it's due. I don't remember the last time I did anything before the twenty-four hours in which I was supposed to turn it in.

And I bought myself more crap. What is wrong with me? A CD for a singer that I shouldn't even like and a new bra. In my defense, they were both on sale. But seriously. I didn't need a new bra. And Lady Gaga? Why did I buy that? Practically the whole CD is about sex. Why did I buy that?

I do like a few of the songs.

That's not the point.

But I don't know what the point is exactly anyway. I know I've said all this about feeling out of control before, but it's getting a little scary. And right now I'm alone. I don't want to be alone. I wish I could go see AOK but he's working on a car right now. But I really don't feel safe right now. I'm all panicky and shaky and my mind is racing. I'm also starving. I'm always hungry now. I don't understand.

<3 o.

True Confessions

I have to remind myself yet again that I am writing this blog for myself. I told Elsa about it because I didn't think I'd ever have anything that I wouldn't want to tell Elsa. But there are a few things that I haven't written about because I'd just rather she not know.

So, Elsa. I'm going to write about something I'd prefer you not know about it. And if you continue reading past this point anyway, I won't blame you. But these aren't really things I want you to know.

Now I'm going to insert this miniature paragraph so that she won't catch a glimpse of the confession and get even more curious than she already is. Alright that's enough, I can't think of anything else to type in this little distraction.

Confession One: AOK and I had sex.

I know. I know. I don't even know. I mean... it blows my mind that my brain has deteriorated this much. The worst part is, it was my fault. It was my idea. I don't know why I suggested it or why I did it. He didn't jump for it like some completely selfish jerk, although he didn't need much convincing either.

I don't know why I did it. Part of me is so angry and upset about it. AOK and I aren't strangers by any means, but we certainly aren't emotionally attached to do something like that. And this part of me is so confused, because she doesn't see a point in physical attachment without emotional attachment, too.

And then this other part of me doesn't regret it. Firstly, I think it makes what Han did seem less important. Kind of like saying, "See? It's no big deal. People do this kind of thing." Which isn't really true. But also, it's almost like this part of me knows that it's damaging, and is glad. I don't understand that. But whenever Alice thinks, "Why do that? It's going to be painful later. It's going to be bad," then Judith thinks, "Exactly."

And I know that AOK regrets it. Well, he says he doesn't regret it. But he says he shouldn't have done that and we won't do it again. He doesn't care what we do as long as we don't have sex.

Confession Two: I started cutting myself.

What the freaking crap? I think I've spoken before on how I feel about self-mutilation. I hate the idea. I've been so determined for so long to never, ever hurt myself like that.

So what drove me to this? I have no idea. I can't even remember why I did it the first time, which was a few weeks ago. It was just a few scratches. I was frustrated and lonely and confused, and I guess I thought I deserved it.

After that, I would let them heal, but once they weren't red anymore, I got restless. It bothered me when my wrists were normal. I felt like there should be cuts or scratches there. So every time they were nearly healed, I'd do it again.

Well, AOK found out. I went to his house one day, and I was carrying a watch to keep track of the time. While we were talking, he took my watch and started to put it on my arm, and pulled my sleeve back to do it. He wasn't happy. He kept rubbing my wrists with his thumbs and saying, "Damn, girl." He made me promise to stop.

I did it once after that. And the morning after I broke the promise to him, I was so upset with myself. My skin was burning and I felt absolutely horrible for causing myself injury and for breaking that promise. I went to AOK's house before school in near-tears. I told him I wouldn't come see him anymore and I wouldn't talk to him and that he needed to stay away from me. I asked him if he could really care about someone who could break that kind of promise. I asked if he really wanted to watch someone he cared about tear herself apart like that.

He told me that I had better not stop being his friend like I said that I was going to. I told him that it was what would be best for him. "Don't make my decisions for me. I'll decide what's best for me, and right now, I'm deciding it's for you to see me. If I change my mind, I'll let you know. If this is a mistake, it's the best one I've ever made," is what he said.

Mom, Dad, and my psychologist all know. And maybe my psychiatrist. I think Mom and Dad talked to my psychiatrist. Mom and Dad also know that AOK is the only friend of mine who knows and who I'm comfortable knowing. This doesn't matter much to them, but my psychologist and psychiatrist think that Mom and Dad both need to back off and let me make my decisions where AOK is concerned instead of banning me from seeing him.

But honestly. I'm freaking out. I mean I'm really freaking out. In the past couple of weeks, I've done two things that I promised myself and others that I would never do, and part of me still wants to do them. A big part of me. I'm really, really confused.

<3 o.

Me, Myself, And o.

So there's this part of me that is really aggressive, impulsive, and destructive. We're going to call her Judith. Judith is violently manic, and that is the best that I know to describe her. She doesn't care if what she is doing or about to do is going to hurt someone else or herself - in fact, if it does, the more likely she is to do it. She wants her way.

And then there's Alice. No connection to Alice of Wonderland, surprisingly enough. I don't know why she's called Alice. But she's quiet and passive and easily scared. She doesn't care about getting things her way - in fact, she doesn't even have a way to get them. She is completely dependent on Judith in many aspects, which is ironic because Judith does things purely to torment Alice a lot of the time.

Judith doesn't see the point in being emotionally involved with someone you are physically involved with. Alice doesn't see the point in being physically involved with someone that you aren't emotionally involved with.

So AOK is causing both of them some trouble. Because he is too emotionally attached for Judith's comfort and not emotionally attached enough for Alice's. Judith can deal with this, however, because it's driving Alice mad. So Judith is just getting dirty and dragging Alice through the mud with her.

And Cathy is over there in the corner, thinking about what idiots the two of them are for being involved with anyone at all in any way. Alice likes being close to AOK, and Judith likes being close to AOK. Cathy wishes he'd stop talking to and touching her. Just leave her alone, you disgusting, filthy male.

And as for me? Well, I guess Little o. would mostly like to just disappear. And it would kind of appear that she's starting to do just that.

I really don't understand this. I really feel like I have distinctly different moods with different thinking patterns and tendencies. Like a setting or a mode that can be changed. And it really freaks me out that they have names. Or that I named them. Or whatever. I often feel in a Judith mode - basically destructive, and not really thinking about the consequences of most of my actions. Unless they are bad consequences. Which are kind of encouraging. Which is kind of bad.

<3 o.

The Chaotic Void

Otherwise known as "my life."

Have you ever noticed that as soon as you get one problem fixed, another one is ready and willing to takes its place? And how is that even fair? Let's not talk about it.

Do you know what one thing I hate is? I hate spending money on myself. I really do. I hate buying things for me with a passion. I occasionally do it, thinking that I deserve a pick-me-up, and that somehow buying this adorable shirt or addictive movie will help me feel better. However, I always regret it. And don't get me wrong; I have excellent taste in both shirts and movies.


But after I buy it, I immediately regret it. I don't need whatever I just bought. And the money I spent on what I don't need could have been spent on something else. For someone else.

I adore buying things for other people. Whenever I buy something for myself, all I can think about is what I could have bought for someone else with that same money. And then it's very hard for me to enjoy whatever it is I just bought.

I am thinking about this because tonight I bought myself some new underwear (because who doesn't feel better when they know that they're wearing cute underwear?) and a couple of dresses that were on sale for $5 each. I spent about $20 altogether. Which, comparatively speaking, isn't much. I mean, most shirts are like $15, and most people spend WAY more on themselves than that when they buy something. But all I can think is, "I could have bought this book for my sister. I could have bought this card for AOK. I could have bought this movie for Elsa." It's frustrating.

Man I feel like crap. I don't even know why I feel like crap. I have random, strong urges to do myself injury. Not necessarily physical injury, either. I just get these urges to hurt myself, or to do things that I know will be detrimental to my emotional stability. I'm getting impulsive and careless, and it scares me.

Case in point: I forgot to go to class the other day. I completely skipped fifth hour. I went from fourth hour to sixth hour. And I didn't even realize I'd missed fifth hour until five minutes before it was over. In addition, I am getting to school late. Late. Me! And I'm procrastinating even more than usually. Which is hard to pull off. And mostly results in things not getting done ever.

Something else to worry about: My therapist wants me to get an examination because of what happened with Han, to make sure everything is alright physically. This is fine by me, except for trying to get to the doctor without Mom and/or Dad knowing where I'm going. They are very strict about knowing where I am and what I'm doing at all times. I hate to miss more school, but I already have to take finals, so I'll probably just have to schedule the appointment during school and get a doctor's note for the attendance. But it is still stressing me out.

Okay I'm going to start talking about what I was talking about earlier again. Impulsive. Careless. Self-destructive.

I read a book once called The Thirteenth Tale.

It's a really good book. In it, there are two twins: Adeline and Emmeline. They're interesting girls. Adeline is violent and dominant, while Emmeline is submissive and quiet. Adeline constantly attacks Emmeline and will do things just to make life harder for her twin. Emmeline bears all of Adeline's abuse and does everything she can to help her sister despite it.

That's what I feel like I'm doing. I feel like I'm attacking myself and I'm just sitting there taking it, and even trying to make myself happy despite the fact that I'm abusive to myself. What? Okay so that makes no sense. See the confusion?

<3 o.

p.s. : The image is from postsecret. Duh.

p.p.s. : Did you notice how unorganized this post was? That's how my brain is all the time anymore. Nothing is every organized. Everything is scattered all over the place, like a book that's had its pages torn out by a poorly disciplined child. Ugh.