Have you ever noticed that as soon as you get one problem fixed, another one is ready and willing to takes its place? And how is that even fair? Let's not talk about it.
But after I buy it, I immediately regret it. I don't need whatever I just bought. And the money I spent on what I don't need could have been spent on something else. For someone else.
I adore buying things for other people. Whenever I buy something for myself, all I can think about is what I could have bought for someone else with that same money. And then it's very hard for me to enjoy whatever it is I just bought.
I am thinking about this because tonight I bought myself some new underwear (because who doesn't feel better when they know that they're wearing cute underwear?) and a couple of dresses that were on sale for $5 each. I spent about $20 altogether. Which, comparatively speaking, isn't much. I mean, most shirts are like $15, and most people spend WAY more on themselves than that when they buy something. But all I can think is, "I could have bought this book for my sister. I could have bought this card for AOK. I could have bought this movie for Elsa." It's frustrating.
Man I feel like crap. I don't even know why I feel like crap. I have random, strong urges to do myself injury. Not necessarily physical injury, either. I just get these urges to hurt myself, or to do things that I know will be detrimental to my emotional stability. I'm getting impulsive and careless, and it scares me.
Case in point: I forgot to go to class the other day. I completely skipped fifth hour. I went from fourth hour to sixth hour. And I didn't even realize I'd missed fifth hour until five minutes before it was over. In addition, I am getting to school late. Late. Me! And I'm procrastinating even more than usually. Which is hard to pull off. And mostly results in things not getting done ever.
Something else to worry about: My therapist wants me to get an examination because of what happened with Han, to make sure everything is alright physically. This is fine by me, except for trying to get to the doctor without Mom and/or Dad knowing where I'm going. They are very strict about knowing where I am and what I'm doing at all times. I hate to miss more school, but I already have to take finals, so I'll probably just have to schedule the appointment during school and get a doctor's note for the attendance. But it is still stressing me out.
Okay I'm going to start talking about what I was talking about earlier again. Impulsive. Careless. Self-destructive.
I read a book once called The Thirteenth Tale.
It's a really good book. In it, there are two twins: Adeline and Emmeline. They're interesting girls. Adeline is violent and dominant, while Emmeline is submissive and quiet. Adeline constantly attacks Emmeline and will do things just to make life harder for her twin. Emmeline bears all of Adeline's abuse and does everything she can to help her sister despite it.
That's what I feel like I'm doing. I feel like I'm attacking myself and I'm just sitting there taking it, and even trying to make myself happy despite the fact that I'm abusive to myself. What? Okay so that makes no sense. See the confusion?
<3 o.
p.s. : The image is from postsecret. Duh.
p.p.s. : Did you notice how unorganized this post was? That's how my brain is all the time anymore. Nothing is every organized. Everything is scattered all over the place, like a book that's had its pages torn out by a poorly disciplined child. Ugh.
2 comments:
Yes. A problem is solved, a new one comes up. It has been like this for me since 65 years. Well, lets say 55. Because the first 10 years my problems were solved by someone else. But, as you see, I have survived it.
It is nice that you like buying things for others. But even if you think that you could have bought this or that for somebody, it does not hurt to buy things for you. I also thought always of other first. But lately, I have spent more for me and more than 20 dollars too. And I am not ashamed about it.
If you read (or have read) my post (a long time ago) about stenography then you will see that I have not only missed a fifth hour. I cannot count the hours because I never attended the "steno" classes in 3 years. And nobody noticed!!
About your going to the doctor, I think doing that during classes is ok, if you get a doctor's paper for it. But be careful, if you go often, your parents might get to know about it. Consider talking with your parents. I know this will not be to easy.
Don't be impulsive, careless and self-destructive wanting to hurt yourself, by what ever way. Try to find a punching ball. Or wrap your hands in a towel and bang against the wall. It will make you feel good.
And never forget, as you grow older, things will make sense and the confusion will go.
We will talk about it when you are 65.
Could you not say to your parents that your therepist thinks it's a good idea you have a check up? Which is true, you don't have to tell them why.
Don't feel guilty about spending on yourself. You deserve it. You should be your own best friend - right?
You will sort yourself out as you get older. Nobody said growing up was easy. We all get there in the end.
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