Love Me Never Leave Me

is an excellent book written by Marilyn Meberg. I am not even half-way through it, and it has already helped me in a big way.

I purchased this book at a Women of Faith conference just a couple of days ago. There were so many books that I was interested in, but this one just didn't seem to want to leave me alone, and it came along at just the right time.

I posted recently about my constant tears, fears, and the like. Well, I have been thinking about that, the first half in particular, quite a bit, and amidst all of this thinking, I have had a few thoughts.

One is that, I'm really not ugly. I may not be gorgeous, but I'm not ugly. And if I cry or shudder when I look in the mirror, it's not because I am ugly, it is because I am not pretty--at least, I am not the kind of pretty that is admired by the world.

So I think that the source of this insecurity is not in my appearance, because there's really nothing wrong with my appearance. I think the source of this is more that I would like for others to acknowledge my worth. If I want my appearance to be different, it is so that others will notice me, acknowledge me, and thus, acknowledge that I have value.

I also think that this is a desire that goes much farther than my longing to be "pretty." For instance, when I cried as a result of AOK's remarks about a movie character, it was not because the girl was prettier than me, exactly. It was that this girl was getting attention and admiration for her appearance, which was unlike mine--which meant that I was unworthy of that kind of attention or admiration. And if I am unworthy of this kind of admiration, and there are other girls who are worthy of it, then what is to stop Han from spending his time and thoughts on those girls over me?

Now you are probably thinking, "Hold up, o, I thought we were talking about your insecurity, and now you're talking about Han?" Yes. Han does not make me insecure, that is for sure, but my fear of him leaving is a very fertile place for insecurity to take root. That is what is has done, and it has flourished.

I knew both these things before reading Love Me Never Leave Me: I was highly insecure and I did not want Han to ever leave me. What I had not quite realized was that those two feelings were so closely connected.

Love Me Never Leave Me is a book about abandonment, but not just abandonment like being left on an orphanage doorstep. Marilyn, who has two master's degrees and a private counseling practice, goes into great detail about emotional abandonment and the fear of abandonment. She says that nearly everyone copes with abandonment issues in some way, even if it's subconcious, even if it's emotional, even if it's just the fear of abandoment, and that some struggle with it more than others. I think she is right. I can't explain it the way she can, so you should just go buy the book and read it.

So at around probably midnight or a little later last night, I've figured out that my insecurity is some form of an "abandonment issue", because it stems largely from my fear of being left by Han. And then I read this part of Marilyn's book, an account of how she felt after stealing communion crackers from her church's kitchen:

I didn't know it then, but I was suffering from shame. I feared that somehow I had so deeply offended God that I was not worthy of forgiveness. Surely only an unworthy pagan would steal symbols of Him. And if God wouldn't, or couldn't, forgive me, then He would surely reject me. He would abandon me, and I'd get left with all the other worthless sinners who had offended Him so mightily that He cast them away from His presence, never to be allowed readmittance.

And I thought, "Wow. I feel like that all the time." Fortunately, Marilyn's book is also full of scripture that reassures of us God's faith, love, and forgiveness. Thank God for Marilyn Meberg.

Anyway, I started thinking again, because I need the practice, and I was thinking about a time recently when I was crying, specifically for the fear of Han leaving me. One of the weirdest things about that night was that Han was with me (I don't usually cry in the presence of others). So I gave a great amount of thought to his reaction.

He was half upset, because he hates it when I am sad, and he hates it even more when I cry. But he was also half amused, because he sees my fears of him breaking up with me as unfounded and silly. He kept saying, "Honey, I'm not going to leave you, I love you. I've already told you that I won't break up with you, you don't need to worry about it."

I wonder if that's what God is doing when I fret and cry for the shame that Marilyn wrote about. So often, when I am miserable for that kind of shame, I envision God ignoring me... abandonment. But if God is who he says he is, then I had it all wrong, and that is not what would he would be doing at all. He would be more like what Han was doing, hugging me and, half-laughing, reminding me of things like Isaiah 41: 9 ("I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.") and 1 John 1:9 ("If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.") I know now that that is what he is really doing, and I think it will bring me so much peace in the nights to come.

<3 o.

p.s. : I highly recommend this book for anyone who does or does not think they have abandonment issues. Marilyn is a clever and witty writer, who knows how to incorporate just the right doses of humor with moving and influencial writing.