Sometimes You Gotta RUN

When I was in Junior High, and for a little bit of High School, I ran Cross Country. I really, really enjoyed it. I am not going to bother trying to explain the joy I got from running. I was not the best runner, but I was far from the worst. As in life, I guess you could say I was sort of the leader of the losers. :P One of my favorite parts of Cross Country was always being able to push myself. It wasn't a team sport, it was for individual improvement; I could push myself as hard as I wanted, and didn't have to limit myself to others.

The point being: I have always loved to run, and I have always pushed myself.

In school, and really in every part of my life, I always push myself to do my best. For myself, for others, whatever. It doesn't matter if someone is benefitting from it or if I just want to make someone proud or to impress them or prove that I am trying. I always am pushing myself. Academically, socially, emotionally, mentally, physically, always pushing. I get farther in some areas than in others.

I am afraid that it isn't getting me as far as I wanted, and I am getting tired. I am tired of pushing myself, but every time I slow down, I lose so much confidence. I think I have started to define myself a little by my efforts to always improve. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Improvement is good, and improving is good, but taking a break every once in a while... that is reasonable, and I shouldn't get down on myself for needing it.

But yet I do.

I try to do too much. I am trying to fill too many roles.

Examples.

Senor wants to be with me. Han wants to be with me. I want to be with Han. But I want to be alone. I don't want to break up with Han, but everything is so hard. I want to be friends with Senor. But I don't want to be with Senor. I don't want to be with anyone. But didn't I just say a few sentences ago that I want to be with Han? I do want to be with Han. I love Han.

I am confused. I think I've been pushing myself so hard, that I no longer know what I want.

Except that: I have never wanted to run more than I do right now. Not on a track, and not on a trail. I just want to run, and run and run and run until I am too tired to run back.

<3 o.

So Unnaturally Myself... Or Naturally Not Myself?

Lately, I have cared less and less about me. And I don't mean that in the morbid, depressing, "I don't care about my life; I wish I would die; I'm so worthless" way. It is a little harder to explain.

I don't really know how.

Basically, I am not myself, but I like it.

All my life, I have been abrasive, somewhat anti-social, stubborn, and pretty selfish. I am not a people person by nature. But lately, I have become more and more drawn to people, in an interesting way. I believe I've mentioned before that I want to help people... lately I've wanted to badly to do that. Senor is one situation. I don't care how he feels about me. Does he have a crush on me? Does he not? I don't care. He needs help, he wants help, but he confesses that he doesn't feel valuable enough to ask for it. I want so desperately to help.

This goes so much against my "natural" personality. Yet, it's my instinctive desire, to help. Needless to say, I'm pretty confused.

Most of my life, I've been spiteful and sarcastic towards people. Now I'm suddenly trying to look at things from different angles and perspectives, trying to figure out if there are reasons they are behaving like that - I'm asking if they need help, in case they don't know how to ask for it. What is going on with me?!

Despite how completely insane and weird and totally unnaturally instinctive I'm being, I kind of like it. Even though a few people give me weird looks, my hugs are occasionally accepted, and I think that maybe I have made an impact on Senor's life - it may only be very small so far, because we haven't known each other very long, but I think I might have. Even though I have always claimed to "hate people," I think I might enjoy being loving.

Okay, there's no think about it. I know that I like it. I love it. I want to be like this forever. I want to be the person that people know they can come to when they have a problem and talk to or just get a hug or even just show up at their house late at night if something really bad happens. I know that it sounds totally dorky and maybe even unrealistic, but can you imagine what kind of person I would be? Loving, understanding, patient, helpful, peaceful, kind, generous, faithful, hopeful... basically all the qualities that I've always admired in other people.

Here's the main problem: I want to always be completely available to help anyone who needs it, and that is just not possible while I am dating Han. I love Han. I do. He has pieces of me that I don't want to separate from, and breaking up with him would tear me apart. But... he can be very possessive. I know he doesn't mean to be, but I don't foresee, and I can't even imagine, this working out. He does not like me spending excessive amounts of time with lots of other people; he starts to feel neglected, like I'm tired of him.

I don't want to leave Han. I love Han! But I can't ignore my unnatural instinct to help people. I'll be forever scared that, if I ignore an urge to help someone because of upsetting Han, someone will go on hurting because I limited myself too much to reach out to them.

I don't know what to do. Han would have to loosen the reins a bit for this to work - not just in time-spending, but physically, also. He'd have to be comfortable with me talking to other people.

I know this sounds like a totally weird thought process. What are you talking about, little o?

I'm not sure. I think my brain is going to explode from all the thoughts racing through it! Can anyone else make sense of this?!

<3>

p.s. : EDIT
Since this has been written, I've changed my mind. I want to be with Han now and always and I'd give up anything for that.

Drama Is Life With The Dull Bits Cut Out.

-Sir Alfred Joseph Hitchcock

And let me tell you, all of my dull bits have been cut out! I don't think my mind ever has a moment's peace.

I don't know if I even want to write about this. I know most people would find what I would write about to be insignificant, whiny, and overdramatic.

So let me remind you: Yes, it is dramatic. But that's life. And just because it's dramatic doesn't make the emotions any less real. So if you are prone to mocking those who become upset when put in complicated situations... stop reading now.

I love Han. Thankfully, he has lessened his attack on my friendship with Senor. Unfortunately, Senor has increased his feelings for me. I didn't think something like this would ever happen. It is a surreal, unlikely, and devastating situation. I merely want to be friends with Senor; he has had a miserable upbringing, and his home life is literally nonexistant. He is in need of a good friend and a good influence; I want to be that influence. A lot of people don't notice him, or if they do, it is not in a positive way. However,

Everyone has some light somewhere. And light is always worth fighting for.
-Fix-It God, Joan of Arcadia Season 1

Well, it didn't take long before I was pretty sure I'd found his "light." He's a sweet guy. He has his downfalls, but doesn't everyone? He is low on the criticism and heavy on the compliments. In the battle between good and evil, he would fight for good. He loves love.

Here's the problem. When you're the only person to see another person's light, they tend to think that you're something special for some reason. Newsflash: I'm not. But Senor thinks I am. He's completely fallen for me, and he doesn't really try to hide it. He's promised to try not to make things difficult for me, but I think he's pretty affection/attention-starved.

I don't want a romantic relationship with Senor. I don't know if I want a romantic relationship at all.

I love Han to pieces. I do. But right now, I feel like I'm being torn apart at the seams. I don't feel happy enough to be affectionate towards anyone, and that means I'm disappointing him greatly. We've been having problems for a few months, but it's hard to pinpoint exactly what they are. Honestly, I think these problems are me - I have been feeling so out of sorts. Nothing I do make sense. My actions and mood swings are beyond my normal level of bizarre.

To be completely honest, I would love nothing more right now than to hole myself up in my bedroom and never see or talk to anyone again for several months.

I can't explain this feeling.

The stress of Senor? Maybe. Although honestly, his crush doesn't bother me. He'll get over that in little to no time. What bothers me is knowing that his little crush is a disappointment waiting to happen.

The conflicts with Han? Perhaps. No one likes negativity - not really. But avoiding it would only make it worse. I would feel much better if we were able to talk it out and get it settled, and I know that.

So why the sudden aversion to people and to connections in general? Normally, I would be talking to Elsa about this - I am talking to her about right now - but I don't want to talk. I just want to think. By myself. All on my own.

Which was the point of this blog anyway, wasn't it?

I don't know. I'm so confused. I've always wanted to help people - I've always put the well-being of others ahead of my own, within reason, and sometimes without reason. That is not to say that I've never acted selfishly. But when given the chance to think it through, I will very, very rarely act for the good of me over someone else.

Suddenly, I just want to hide from everyone I care about. And who care about me. I just want to get away. I feel trapped by my connections. How can that be? They used to always make me feel safe.

<3 o.

Long Time, No See

Since the scholarship campaign has ended, I thought I might as well update.

A lot has been going on, I think.

Last night, I went to bed at 6 p.m., and I didn't get up until 6:30 the next morning. I wasn't even that tired.

I finished my essay over the media's effects on girls, and I recieved a 100% on my narrative essay.

I also have made a new friend in my Japanese class, whom I call Senor Raggamuffin Von Stalker Dude. I am not sure that I know his real name. He's tall and skinny and has long, curly-ish black hair that is dyed. I'm pretty sure that it is naturally brown - but I can understand the desire to dye brown hair. My hair is brown, and sometimes I feel so unexotic. Anyway. He's very, very nice, but seems to have some self-esteem problems, maybe even some that counter my own!

Unfortunately, Han is less than thrilled by this developement. He has been in and out of bad moods lately because he is jealous of my conversations with Senor during Japanese. I've talked to him about, and he says it's fine, he trusts me, and that if he can have girl friends, I should be allowed to have guy friends, but every time he sees Senor, he gets all... glares and pouts. I don't know what to do. Senor has few friends and is very kind, and it would be very unfair to neglect him when he's done nothing wrong, but I hate it when Han is unhappy.

Also, today I was talking to Senor in Japanese on the computer, and, technically, we weren't breaking any rules. We were being quiet, doing our work, and the site we were on wasn't blocked. Also, Mrs. Brink usually is very friendly and understanding, but today she threatened to write us both up (via writing across our screens from her teacher-station control computer thing). I would have understood it if we weren't working, but we were both doing what we were supposed to be doing. And did she really have to threaten us? Couldn't she have just been nice about it and asked us to please stop talking and focus more? If we'd broken any rules, it would be different, but we didn't.

Another unhappy instance.

I have this habit that if someone does something that really annoys me, I kind of swat at their face, like a pretend slap. But really, if you can imagine the force you might use to wave a fly away from your face, it is lighter than that. Generally, the tips of my fingers just barely brush their cheek, and it's kind of my way of saying, "Please stop, or I'll probably get really upset."

Another thing is, I hate, hate, hate hunting. I don't know why. I love meat, and I know there's nothing really wrong with hunting, but I hate it when people talk about it like it doesn't even matter that the animals were alive. Well, Han's, ex-friend, Jan, was talking about how much fun hunting was, and I said, "Oh, stop it!" and swatted at her face, as is my habit. Honestly, I barely touched her, if I touched her at all, because she leaned back. Well the next thing I know, she's running around telling people that I slapped her across the face and that she wants to punch me.

I have never really liked Jan before, but it's to the point now that if she weren't 2 or 3 times my size, I might really slap her. She'd deserve it. She's incredibly rude, and now there are rumors flying around that I'm slapping people, when I would never do something like that. I mean, maybe if someone attacked me or something, I'd probably hit them. That's different.

Anyway, the point is, I'm seriously ticked off. Han is having weirdo moodswings. I want to be friends with Senor. Mrs. Brink was nice, and now she's psycho (Something I'd like to talk more about later). Jan is making my high school life miserable. My headache meds aren't helping anymore - I still get headaches every day. I am sleeping even more than I used to. I can barely keep up with my role as Publicity Designer in Drama.

I'm pretty sure that my brain is going to implode from all the pressure being put on it.

Oh wait. One good thing: I won Most Artistic Senior Spotlight for girls. But, I have to share it with Tony. I don't like Tony. I think I've mentioned that before. I'd rather share it with Han; he's more creative than Tony is anyway.

I've missed you all. I hope I have the energy and will to update more. :]

I hope you are all doing lovely!

<3 o.

We Really Need The Votes

Elsa has entered a photo of me in a scholarship. It's a very good photo, especially considering that it's of me, and she could really use the scholarship.

The problem?

We need over 1000 votes by tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow as in October 3.

Photo Shoot Out 2 Brickfish

<3 o.