Can You Feel The Love Tonight? Oh Wait... No.

It may very well be that nothing I am about ready to type will be worth reading, but Han is sick and Elsa has someone else over, and besides that, talking on the phone may result in being overheard, which would only result in wasted tears, sore throats, and mass chaos.

Dad is driving me freaking nuts. Seriously, he won't shut up. Ever since we got back from vacation, everything is negativity, negativity, negativity. And yeah, okay, I bet I provoked him some, but how can I help myself when he's acting like such a jerk? Only a couple of months ago he was saying that Clara (the bunny) wasn't being played with enough and that I needed to play with her more, and now he wants to put her in the garage? Why doesn't he just skin her and put in a pie? If we put her out there, it's a recipe for sickness and/or death. Bugs and cats get in there and it gets too cold during autumn and winter for her to not freeze to death. And it's not just that, it's everything he's said lately.

He's renovating my two younger sisters' rooms because they haven't been redone since we moved into this house, which is reasonable. I had mine redone a few years ago for my birthday. In addition, Dad's friend's father died a while ago and he left some furniture to my family. Now, in speaking of redoing the two bedrooms, Dad kept talking about "being fair to all three children", but he wants to not only completely re-paint and re-curtain and re-whatever their rooms, he wants to give one of them the furniture, too, which wouldn't be that big a deal except that I love the furniture, and how is that even "fair to all three children"? Okay, I had my room re-painted and everything a few years ago too... but as a birthday present. They are getting theirs redone just... so they can have theirs redone. But somehow, me wanting the old furniture that means nothing to anyone else is such a selfish thing that I deserve to be yelled at and chided for about an hour. I don't get that. I just don't get that. And THEN they said, "Well if you get the furniture, you have to give one of the other girls your room." What? Does someone need to review the definition of fair? Because I really don't see the fairness in that... or how putting my rabbit in the garage or the basement could even possibly be a good idea.

Call me crazy, but I am finding it very hard to believe that either of my parents care about me half as much as any of my sisters. I guess that of the four of us, I would be the "troublemaker", probably the more smart-alecky, rebellious one... but if they didn't bait me so much or completely ignore how I felt, maybe I wouldn't be so angry at them. It's like neither one of them care at all about all the effort I put into school to keep them happy or how admirable it is that I take initiative to do things like church and cleaning on my own (more church than cleaning I guess), and I don't think either of them acknowledge how hard it is for me to sometimes resist such common things as foul language, alcohol, or casual sexual...whatever.

Dad said that the older of my younger sisters deserved the furniture more because she has such low self esteem and not very many friends and it would really help her feel special and all I could think was, "Does this guy really think I have good self esteem? Has he not noticed that aside from Han, I have about 1 and a half friends?" It feels like my feelings are hardly taken into account, if they are at all. Is it any curiousity that I get snappy during conversations like that? Dad really likes the phrase, "I'm the parent, I'm in charge."

Well I'm the incredibly sensitive, distraught, somewhat emotionally-neglected daughter, so it'd be really appreciated if he'd shut up for like thirty seconds and take into consideration that I really am old enough to move out when I want. How seriously I would consider doing that would depend on any job that I get and how stressful school is once it starts. But let's look at it this way: If I move out, they will not help pay for college. However, I don't plan on going to an expensive college, and they weren't going to pay for all of it, probably only about four thousand a year. Which is a lot, but with the right job, I could pull it off. And even if I couldn't work enough during high school to pay rent at an apartment, as well as for food, Clara, and a car, which I guess it's pretty likely I couldn't, Han's family likes me and they have an extra bed. That would tick off Mom and Dad, but hey, if I'm not living with them and they aren't helping with college anyway, I really don't care. I could sleep in their spare room, pay for my own food and for Clara, and Han and I could both make insurance payments on the blue car. Sounds like a plan to me. More than likely a plan that I will never execute... but let's wait until I get a steady job to decide for sure.

I guess I've talked mostly about Dad so far. Mom hasn't really done anything except that she doesn't really seem to care how any of this makes me feel and she's not being all that objective. She always gets really angry if I say anything against Dad. Love is blind, I guess. I'm less angry at Mom than at Dad, for sure. If I accuse Mom of being uncaring, she is hurt, and I feel bad, because I know I was wrong. If I accuse Dad of not caring, he just gets angry... which pretty much just tells me that I was right. Still, back to Mom, I'm all about that phrase that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, and if Mom's not going to try to help me at all, then she's only making it worse.

I'd really like to just not leave my room all day tomorrow. Maybe I'll take some cereal and a pitcher of water upstairs tonight and lock my door tomorrow morning.

Except I really like using the computer.

I am just so angry right now. Like I said, probably this was not worth taking the time to read, but I was really more considered with keeping my brain between my ears than entertaining anyone.

I wish Han wasn't sick. I also wish that I cared about my parents as much as they seem to care about me. That is to say, hardly at all at the time being. Then I wouldn't feel bad about moving out. I really don't want to be here. At all. I wish I had a friend's house that I could just go to whenever I was having a bad time at home, but, oh wait... I don't. And besides that, I don't have a car. Emily got a car when she turned 16... but when I turned 16, Mom and Dad bought a new car... for them.

Mom and Dad are good people. But I am really just not feeling the fairness or the love right now.

<\3 o.