Bermuda Triangle Getaway

That was the name of the play that my drama class put on.

Mrs. H has never come closer to cancelling one of her class's plays... but I'm pretty sure she's never been much happier with the results of going on with the show.

Our class (not just our drama class, but the entire senior class of 2009) does not work well together. We were simply not coming together. It wasn't working very well. Monday rehearsals were a nightmare. With a week left, we had a girl come to practice high and with no lines memorized... it wasn't a very promising night. Our publicity pitch was something along the lines of, "What does a brain-washed pilot, an alien in disguise, a 50-year-old boy scout, five beauty pageant contestants, and a hypochondriac have in common?" Well, the teachers' running joke was that none of them knew their lines.

Somehow, we pulled it off. Not only did we pull it off, but it was good. Friday night was near perfect... Saturday night would have been... Until Tony missed the mat upon jumping off the stage into the orchestra pit and broke his foot.

He had to go to the Emergency Room. He was shaking from the pain. He tried to go back onto the stage, but it didn't work. We improvised around it. My character was a wannabe cannibal - what else were we gonna do? Of course, when it came right down to it, I had to have eaten him. There was no other way around his sudden disappearance.

Most people couldn't tell that we had broken away from the script. I should have been voted best actress for that improve - it was stressful! I didn't though, Julia did. She deserved it. Her character was a lizard-obsessed scientist who falls in love with an alien. Halfway through our Friday-night performance, she overheard a few graduated students talking about how she was the only one who in the cast who couldn't act - so I'm glad she won it! I knew the group who was talking about her - they are real jerks. IN YOUR FACE, SLIMEBALLS!

Seth won best actor, naturally. He played a pilot named Jack who was brainwashed into thinking he was Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movie (which I have never seen). For the second act of Saturday night, he went gangster Dr. Evil, and it was hard for anyone to keep a straight face onstage. The only competition he might have had for best actor was Andrew, who played two parts with a total of four roles, because each of his parts was a person in disguise. He was an alien in disguise as a pirate and a rockstar in disguise as a hick from Iowa... it was pretty hysterical.

And Tony won Stole-The-Show funny, even though he wasn't even in the last half of Saturday's performance! YES, he was THAT funny. He was a copilot brainwashed to think he was Mini-Me from the Austin Powers movies... and every time he came onto stage, he was in a different random costume. A turkey, an old lady in a bathrobe, a white leather coat and an afro, a wedding dress... and all the time, he was jumping around like some kind of over-hyper monkey. Which is why he is now on crutches.

And we did make Mrs. H cry... but we thought we'd make her cry because we'd utterly fail. We thought we'd skip five pages of dialogue, or an entire scene or something. She cried because she couldn't believe we'd actually pulled it off so well - or that we'd covered so well for Anthony!

Take that, teachers. What does a brainwashed pilot, an alien in disguise, a 50-year-old boy scout, five beauty pageant contestants, and a hypochondriac all have in common? Uh, we all ROCK.

<3 o.

A Post Which Does Not Readily Suggest A Title

Today is November 4, 2008 - It is election day.

That is not relevent to this post in any way, other than the fact that I got little to no sleep last night, thus ensuring that I will probably be more honest than I should be while typing this, and will probably regret it later. But that was the point of this blog was it not? To give me a place to put the things that I would regret later.

Let's talk about Senor. I care about him. I don't mean kisses and snuggles and marriage and whispers and giggles and blushing love... I mean that I care about him, and that I hate seeing him suffer, and I really want to keep him from pain. I don't believe that any of my feelings for him qualify as romantic, but I'll be honest - I want desperately to hug him. I constantly feel the urge to put my arms around him and rest a hand his head and tell him to relax - it really will be okay, I promise! I'll make sure that it will be okay! And today when I saw the cuts on his arm, I just wanted to cry and wipe off each mark - not affectionately, but maybe like a mother might tend a fallen child's knee. I am not sure I am doing a good job of explaining this, but I know that it has to be explained. I absolutely cannot bear it anymore.

I know that if Han knew how I felt, it would probably crush him. I'm not sure if he would have good reason to feel crushed or not - does this qualify as emotional disloyalty? I would never, ever want to cheat on Han in any form. I've had in the past, and I suppose I still have, doubts about the stability of our relationship, and some of them may be connected in some indirect way to Senor... but I don't believe that I want to replace Han with Senor at all. I don't think I would even be able to if I tried. That is not to belittle Senor - Han would not be easy to replace. I treasure and cherish him dearly. He is amazing in every way. I would regret losing him for any reason.

But I am starting to wonder if losing Han is inevitable. No - I am starting to believe that it is inevitable. And I am starting to wonder how I feel about it. Am I alright with that, and trying to convince myself that I am devastated? Or am I devastated, trying to convince myself that I'm alright? Can I prevent it? Do I want to? Of course I can prevent it, within reason - I am in control of my life. The question (for the most part) is how hard I am willing work to prevent it.

And then I don't want to think about it.

How will my friends react? How will his friends react? How will my parents react? How will I answer their questions? What reasons will I give to people? What will I do with my solitude? Will I stay single? Will I get another boyfriend? If I do, what kind? If I don't, how do I say 'no'? What will I do with my Friday nights? What if I never find someone equal to him again? What if it is the biggest mistake I ever make? What if it is even just in the top five? Are there expectations that people have if I break up with him? Do they expect me to spend more time with them once we're apart? Am I using him as a shield?

What if I stay with Han, and I miss out on helping people that need help? What if I stay with him and end up with him instead of someone else I should have been with? What if I miss other opportunities? In careers? In love? In friendship? In education? In art? In literature? What am I sacrificing by maintaining this relationship? Do I need him? What if I do? Is that a weakness, or just part of being human? Are there things about Han that I don't know? That I don't realize I don't know because I'm biased? Am I limiting him in ways that I don't realize? Am I keeping him from other opportunities? In love, friendship, careers, art, travel, or anything else?

As for Senor... he says he loves me. Han would pitch a fit if he knew that Senor "loves" me, and I can't even imagine how he would react if he knew that I knew that Senor "loves" me. It matters very little to me how Senor feels about me... all I care about is that he doesn't dislike me. I don't think he truly loves me. I think he has been neglected by his family and the rest of society... I think that attention and loyalty I've displayed is something he isn't accustomed to. I think he doesn't realize how unremarkable I am; Once he does, I'm sure his "love" will lessen significantly. Until then, I am only slightly concerned; I do not want him to misinterpret my feelings for him. I do not me to misinterpret my feelings for him.

Don't assume that I'm doing that. Or that there is a high risk of me doing it. I only mean that there is a lot of love in me, and not much self-control. I'm not very good at explaining this. I'm just afraid that once other people start questioning my intentions, I will start to question myself. There is no risk of this while I'm with Han. One has nothing to worry about there. Only I'm afraid that if Han and I were to break up, would Senor think that I broke up with Han in part because of Senor? I don't want anyone to think that - I would never do that. I would never break up with one person for another person. But that would be one likely beginning of Senor misinterpretting my actions.

And then I start to worry - Am I using Han? Am I hiding behind him? Am I only with him to avoid complications between me and other people?

<3 o.

Fools of Good Heart

I woke up at about 1:20 pm this afternoon, even though I'd been planning on going to a play at a school (which was about a 50-minute drive away) at 2:00 today. I still went, but I got there about half an hour late.

I'd forgotten what a wonderful play The Curious Savage is. I've written about it before, in my post "The Ever-Present Sympton of Psychotic Thinking" in April of 07. The part that really made me think today was this short exchange between Mrs. Savage and Dr. Emmett :

DR. EMMETT. And who are the fools of good heart, Mrs. Savage?
MRS. SAVAGE. I'd say--those who gamble on people, and invest in kindness--those who doubt that position means privilege, or that manners mean morals. And, of course, the rebels with no fear of failure.
-The Curious Savage, by John Patrick

I would say that what the world really needs are more "fools of good heart": More people who are willing to take risks for the sake of others, have faith in humanity that may or may not have deserve it, and devote energy to helping others. More people who understand that pretenses have nothing to do with rights or value and that every human is worthy of love, whether they are rich or poor, part of a minority, or part of a majority.

What the worlds need is people are who are stupid enough to do the right thing no matter what.

And these people: They need to be bravely acting on their beliefs, not writing about them in a secret blog like me.

I've always thought it best to be a "fool of good heart," although I'd never thought of it in those specific terms before. I'm starting to have second thoughts now.

What do you think? Would being a "fool of good heart" ever really benefit anyone, or only get one into unnecessary trouble? Is it better to play it safe and avoid complications? Or should a person try to do the most good that they possibly can, even if there's a chance they'll get hurt or humiliated?

<3 o.

Sometimes You Gotta RUN

When I was in Junior High, and for a little bit of High School, I ran Cross Country. I really, really enjoyed it. I am not going to bother trying to explain the joy I got from running. I was not the best runner, but I was far from the worst. As in life, I guess you could say I was sort of the leader of the losers. :P One of my favorite parts of Cross Country was always being able to push myself. It wasn't a team sport, it was for individual improvement; I could push myself as hard as I wanted, and didn't have to limit myself to others.

The point being: I have always loved to run, and I have always pushed myself.

In school, and really in every part of my life, I always push myself to do my best. For myself, for others, whatever. It doesn't matter if someone is benefitting from it or if I just want to make someone proud or to impress them or prove that I am trying. I always am pushing myself. Academically, socially, emotionally, mentally, physically, always pushing. I get farther in some areas than in others.

I am afraid that it isn't getting me as far as I wanted, and I am getting tired. I am tired of pushing myself, but every time I slow down, I lose so much confidence. I think I have started to define myself a little by my efforts to always improve. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Improvement is good, and improving is good, but taking a break every once in a while... that is reasonable, and I shouldn't get down on myself for needing it.

But yet I do.

I try to do too much. I am trying to fill too many roles.

Examples.

Senor wants to be with me. Han wants to be with me. I want to be with Han. But I want to be alone. I don't want to break up with Han, but everything is so hard. I want to be friends with Senor. But I don't want to be with Senor. I don't want to be with anyone. But didn't I just say a few sentences ago that I want to be with Han? I do want to be with Han. I love Han.

I am confused. I think I've been pushing myself so hard, that I no longer know what I want.

Except that: I have never wanted to run more than I do right now. Not on a track, and not on a trail. I just want to run, and run and run and run until I am too tired to run back.

<3 o.

So Unnaturally Myself... Or Naturally Not Myself?

Lately, I have cared less and less about me. And I don't mean that in the morbid, depressing, "I don't care about my life; I wish I would die; I'm so worthless" way. It is a little harder to explain.

I don't really know how.

Basically, I am not myself, but I like it.

All my life, I have been abrasive, somewhat anti-social, stubborn, and pretty selfish. I am not a people person by nature. But lately, I have become more and more drawn to people, in an interesting way. I believe I've mentioned before that I want to help people... lately I've wanted to badly to do that. Senor is one situation. I don't care how he feels about me. Does he have a crush on me? Does he not? I don't care. He needs help, he wants help, but he confesses that he doesn't feel valuable enough to ask for it. I want so desperately to help.

This goes so much against my "natural" personality. Yet, it's my instinctive desire, to help. Needless to say, I'm pretty confused.

Most of my life, I've been spiteful and sarcastic towards people. Now I'm suddenly trying to look at things from different angles and perspectives, trying to figure out if there are reasons they are behaving like that - I'm asking if they need help, in case they don't know how to ask for it. What is going on with me?!

Despite how completely insane and weird and totally unnaturally instinctive I'm being, I kind of like it. Even though a few people give me weird looks, my hugs are occasionally accepted, and I think that maybe I have made an impact on Senor's life - it may only be very small so far, because we haven't known each other very long, but I think I might have. Even though I have always claimed to "hate people," I think I might enjoy being loving.

Okay, there's no think about it. I know that I like it. I love it. I want to be like this forever. I want to be the person that people know they can come to when they have a problem and talk to or just get a hug or even just show up at their house late at night if something really bad happens. I know that it sounds totally dorky and maybe even unrealistic, but can you imagine what kind of person I would be? Loving, understanding, patient, helpful, peaceful, kind, generous, faithful, hopeful... basically all the qualities that I've always admired in other people.

Here's the main problem: I want to always be completely available to help anyone who needs it, and that is just not possible while I am dating Han. I love Han. I do. He has pieces of me that I don't want to separate from, and breaking up with him would tear me apart. But... he can be very possessive. I know he doesn't mean to be, but I don't foresee, and I can't even imagine, this working out. He does not like me spending excessive amounts of time with lots of other people; he starts to feel neglected, like I'm tired of him.

I don't want to leave Han. I love Han! But I can't ignore my unnatural instinct to help people. I'll be forever scared that, if I ignore an urge to help someone because of upsetting Han, someone will go on hurting because I limited myself too much to reach out to them.

I don't know what to do. Han would have to loosen the reins a bit for this to work - not just in time-spending, but physically, also. He'd have to be comfortable with me talking to other people.

I know this sounds like a totally weird thought process. What are you talking about, little o?

I'm not sure. I think my brain is going to explode from all the thoughts racing through it! Can anyone else make sense of this?!

<3>

p.s. : EDIT
Since this has been written, I've changed my mind. I want to be with Han now and always and I'd give up anything for that.

Drama Is Life With The Dull Bits Cut Out.

-Sir Alfred Joseph Hitchcock

And let me tell you, all of my dull bits have been cut out! I don't think my mind ever has a moment's peace.

I don't know if I even want to write about this. I know most people would find what I would write about to be insignificant, whiny, and overdramatic.

So let me remind you: Yes, it is dramatic. But that's life. And just because it's dramatic doesn't make the emotions any less real. So if you are prone to mocking those who become upset when put in complicated situations... stop reading now.

I love Han. Thankfully, he has lessened his attack on my friendship with Senor. Unfortunately, Senor has increased his feelings for me. I didn't think something like this would ever happen. It is a surreal, unlikely, and devastating situation. I merely want to be friends with Senor; he has had a miserable upbringing, and his home life is literally nonexistant. He is in need of a good friend and a good influence; I want to be that influence. A lot of people don't notice him, or if they do, it is not in a positive way. However,

Everyone has some light somewhere. And light is always worth fighting for.
-Fix-It God, Joan of Arcadia Season 1

Well, it didn't take long before I was pretty sure I'd found his "light." He's a sweet guy. He has his downfalls, but doesn't everyone? He is low on the criticism and heavy on the compliments. In the battle between good and evil, he would fight for good. He loves love.

Here's the problem. When you're the only person to see another person's light, they tend to think that you're something special for some reason. Newsflash: I'm not. But Senor thinks I am. He's completely fallen for me, and he doesn't really try to hide it. He's promised to try not to make things difficult for me, but I think he's pretty affection/attention-starved.

I don't want a romantic relationship with Senor. I don't know if I want a romantic relationship at all.

I love Han to pieces. I do. But right now, I feel like I'm being torn apart at the seams. I don't feel happy enough to be affectionate towards anyone, and that means I'm disappointing him greatly. We've been having problems for a few months, but it's hard to pinpoint exactly what they are. Honestly, I think these problems are me - I have been feeling so out of sorts. Nothing I do make sense. My actions and mood swings are beyond my normal level of bizarre.

To be completely honest, I would love nothing more right now than to hole myself up in my bedroom and never see or talk to anyone again for several months.

I can't explain this feeling.

The stress of Senor? Maybe. Although honestly, his crush doesn't bother me. He'll get over that in little to no time. What bothers me is knowing that his little crush is a disappointment waiting to happen.

The conflicts with Han? Perhaps. No one likes negativity - not really. But avoiding it would only make it worse. I would feel much better if we were able to talk it out and get it settled, and I know that.

So why the sudden aversion to people and to connections in general? Normally, I would be talking to Elsa about this - I am talking to her about right now - but I don't want to talk. I just want to think. By myself. All on my own.

Which was the point of this blog anyway, wasn't it?

I don't know. I'm so confused. I've always wanted to help people - I've always put the well-being of others ahead of my own, within reason, and sometimes without reason. That is not to say that I've never acted selfishly. But when given the chance to think it through, I will very, very rarely act for the good of me over someone else.

Suddenly, I just want to hide from everyone I care about. And who care about me. I just want to get away. I feel trapped by my connections. How can that be? They used to always make me feel safe.

<3 o.

Long Time, No See

Since the scholarship campaign has ended, I thought I might as well update.

A lot has been going on, I think.

Last night, I went to bed at 6 p.m., and I didn't get up until 6:30 the next morning. I wasn't even that tired.

I finished my essay over the media's effects on girls, and I recieved a 100% on my narrative essay.

I also have made a new friend in my Japanese class, whom I call Senor Raggamuffin Von Stalker Dude. I am not sure that I know his real name. He's tall and skinny and has long, curly-ish black hair that is dyed. I'm pretty sure that it is naturally brown - but I can understand the desire to dye brown hair. My hair is brown, and sometimes I feel so unexotic. Anyway. He's very, very nice, but seems to have some self-esteem problems, maybe even some that counter my own!

Unfortunately, Han is less than thrilled by this developement. He has been in and out of bad moods lately because he is jealous of my conversations with Senor during Japanese. I've talked to him about, and he says it's fine, he trusts me, and that if he can have girl friends, I should be allowed to have guy friends, but every time he sees Senor, he gets all... glares and pouts. I don't know what to do. Senor has few friends and is very kind, and it would be very unfair to neglect him when he's done nothing wrong, but I hate it when Han is unhappy.

Also, today I was talking to Senor in Japanese on the computer, and, technically, we weren't breaking any rules. We were being quiet, doing our work, and the site we were on wasn't blocked. Also, Mrs. Brink usually is very friendly and understanding, but today she threatened to write us both up (via writing across our screens from her teacher-station control computer thing). I would have understood it if we weren't working, but we were both doing what we were supposed to be doing. And did she really have to threaten us? Couldn't she have just been nice about it and asked us to please stop talking and focus more? If we'd broken any rules, it would be different, but we didn't.

Another unhappy instance.

I have this habit that if someone does something that really annoys me, I kind of swat at their face, like a pretend slap. But really, if you can imagine the force you might use to wave a fly away from your face, it is lighter than that. Generally, the tips of my fingers just barely brush their cheek, and it's kind of my way of saying, "Please stop, or I'll probably get really upset."

Another thing is, I hate, hate, hate hunting. I don't know why. I love meat, and I know there's nothing really wrong with hunting, but I hate it when people talk about it like it doesn't even matter that the animals were alive. Well, Han's, ex-friend, Jan, was talking about how much fun hunting was, and I said, "Oh, stop it!" and swatted at her face, as is my habit. Honestly, I barely touched her, if I touched her at all, because she leaned back. Well the next thing I know, she's running around telling people that I slapped her across the face and that she wants to punch me.

I have never really liked Jan before, but it's to the point now that if she weren't 2 or 3 times my size, I might really slap her. She'd deserve it. She's incredibly rude, and now there are rumors flying around that I'm slapping people, when I would never do something like that. I mean, maybe if someone attacked me or something, I'd probably hit them. That's different.

Anyway, the point is, I'm seriously ticked off. Han is having weirdo moodswings. I want to be friends with Senor. Mrs. Brink was nice, and now she's psycho (Something I'd like to talk more about later). Jan is making my high school life miserable. My headache meds aren't helping anymore - I still get headaches every day. I am sleeping even more than I used to. I can barely keep up with my role as Publicity Designer in Drama.

I'm pretty sure that my brain is going to implode from all the pressure being put on it.

Oh wait. One good thing: I won Most Artistic Senior Spotlight for girls. But, I have to share it with Tony. I don't like Tony. I think I've mentioned that before. I'd rather share it with Han; he's more creative than Tony is anyway.

I've missed you all. I hope I have the energy and will to update more. :]

I hope you are all doing lovely!

<3 o.

We Really Need The Votes

Elsa has entered a photo of me in a scholarship. It's a very good photo, especially considering that it's of me, and she could really use the scholarship.

The problem?

We need over 1000 votes by tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow as in October 3.

Photo Shoot Out 2 Brickfish

<3 o.

Apathetic Way To Be

For perhaps the first time in my life, I am not actively obsessing over something. Last night, I found Wicked on YouTube. I love and adore Wicked; I'm certain it's the best musical to ever be written. But after watching ten minutes of it (or less), I became bored and decided, "I'll watch it later." The same thing has happened when trying to read Les Miserables and The Phantom of the Opera (both of which I love). I passed up the opportunity to argue with someone about how good The Princess Bride is--and I love arguing and The Princess Bride.

This may be the reason I haven't updated for a while. Normally I'd update everytime something happens--with the play, my upcoming anniversary, music, friends, random thoughts. But every time I consider blogging, I think, "It doesn't matter." Then I go to sleep.

Speaking of sleep--I do a lot of it. I used to go to bed at one and get up at five-thirty, and I never suffered for it. I was still energetic and happy throughout the whole day, and in fact, hated going to sleep. Now I go to bed at ten and get up at six-thirty, and i'm still so tired that I sleep during third hour and after school. Over the weekend, I got almost twenty-two hours of sleep. That's a lot of sleep. I'm pretty sure it's more than healthy.

I want to blame it on my new medication, but I know I've been like this since this summer. The main problem is, it's getting worse.

I don't know if it's related to my energy and enthusiasm about other projects, but if it is, it isn't just affecting my enthusiasm for extra fun things. I feel no need or desire to work on or apply for scholarships or colleges--even though it's something I need to do. I promised Han that I'd help him study for the SAT, and every time we go to, I can't really focus because I don't really want to think about it. I want to do stuff with people, but I want to sleep and do nothing even more.

This is probably the least amount of fun I've had in a while.

I know this was a short and un-interesting post, but I figured that you few guys deserved and update.

<3 o.

A Variety Of Topics For This Post

Firstly, I want to apologize for not updating recently and for not being overly active (or really very active at all) in my commenting. I do read most posts within a day or two of them being posted.

Secondly: After a rather stressful chain of events this afternoon after school (which involved Han, a library, and oreos), I stormed out to my truck, entirely intent on either doing myself serious physical harm, throwing things until I was instituted, or refusing to move or speak for a week. You think I'm exaggerating, well I'm not. Fortunately, I fell asleep, and Han was there when I woke up. I will admit that part of my tantrum was due to the events of 7th hour (Drama), which I will relate to you momentarily. And part of it was the library situation. Most of it, though, was left over distress from school, which only managed to manifest itself into an expressible form about the time we were at the library...

And now: Today. It was horrid. First, my sister and I nearly got killed by a semi. He was going about 35-40 in a 60 zone, and I was coming up behind him at 60, so I switched lanes. Right after I switched lanes, he put on his turn signal and pulled into my lane in front me. Keep in mind that I am gaining on him this entire time. It was incredibly close, but I was able to get back into the other lane. But oh man, it scared the crap out of me. And then the rest of the day went okay (oh except that I forgot all my pencils and makeup at home... but Mom brought that to school for me) until 7th hour.

First I think I need to tell you: I was very disappointed in the choice of play that my class voted on. It is about an airplane full of people whose pilot is brainwashed by an alien who makes him crash land in the Bermuda Triangle, where they meet "natives" that are actually aliens who have come to stop the brainwashing alien. It is somewhat humorous, but has no plot or theme--and I need things to have a theme. If there is no theme, I don't see a purpose for it, and I am not interested in it. But after much deliberation, I decided I could cope with it. It would be fun and a good way to relax--and there's still the publicity crew.

Today I was told I'd be the head of the publicity crew. I was really happy--we're in charge of the posters, advertisements, programs, t-shirts, all that. I was really excited, because in the last few years I have been VERY disappointed in the t-shirts. I saw this as my opportunity to actually have a say in something and make sure it was good.

Yeah well nevermind that. Have I ever told you before how much I loathe Tony? I will someday. For now, all you need to know is that he's a jerk, he's not on the publicity crew, he punched me in the stomach in kindergarten, and he thinks he's hot artistic stuff because his grandpa can paint. So what does he do? He draws his own idea for t-shirt design or whatever, which consists of the following: the cover that came on the script (an island, a spaceship, and a plane) with a big alien's head behind it. Then he came over and was like, "Look what I drew." I'd have less of a problem with this if: A. It looked good, or B. He'd signed up for publicity crew. But he didn't sign up--meaning he should have stayed with his group and kept his ugly head out of mine. And in addition, everyone loved his really ugly, unoriginal design. I know it's hard to believe that everyone would love an ugly design, but it's true. So there went my hopes of having attractive t-shirts. And it's not only that--it's that those were my responsibility, not to mention my only chance to have any creative outlet, or any say-so at all, and it was totally snatched.

It seems to me like any time I want something, do something, or suggest something, it is either ignored or upstaged. Every time.

It is so very frustrating. I usually love entering Project eXcel with drawings and poetry, but I've never won, and now I'm not sure that I want to even try. I've been working for a little while on some illustrations for a scholarship--but judging by the reaction I get to my work and ideas from most people, I don't know if it's worth it. It's very discouraging, and I'm about sick of trying.

Another example, and no offense to Elsa: but in her yearbook class, the Photoshop instructor noticed that she was familiar with Photoshop and offered to let her teach a 1-hour class for $100. What the heck is that about? A. She only has and can use Photoshop because I gave it to her, and I did help her some. I'm certain she would have learned it on her own with all the tutorials online, but I did help, and I provided tutorial sites for her as well. B. I am better at Photoshop than her. I don't mean to sound like I am putting her down, because she is very good. However, I do have more experience, and have done a larger variety of things with it. I don't believe there is a single feature or tool on the program that I have not used or at least played with. and C. I have tried for forever to get a job at various establishments doing various things... and she gets this incredibly amazing job offer just like that? How is that even the beginning of fair in any way? And for once, I do not want to hear, "She's in a wheelchair, she should get some advantages!" Everyone totally underestimates her--she is perfectly capable of applying to jobs. I understand that there are fewer jobs for her to apply for, so it's good for to get some kind of experience. But on the other hand, there are all kinds of jobs for me to apply for--and I do, but it doesn't work. It is very difficult to get a job in town, and it's very difficult to get a job out of town because of gas--and the only vehicle at my disposal is a 14-mile-per-gallon truck that is highly unreliable. So, I've been working my freaking butt off trying to get a job. And that is just incredibly frustrating. I don't blame Elsa at all, but I have to say I am somewhere between outraged and insanly envious. Because it's again: I am gone completely unacknowledged. Completely.

I don't like to be ignored. I don't. I freaking hate it and it seems to be the story of my life. I can't possibly live up to Emily's reputation of perfection, can't win a single art contest (despite my friends' claims that I am "really good"), can't even get a job, and continue to go completely unobserved in any and all other areas--even when I am in charge.

I could just scream, if only my walls were thick enough for it to go unnoticed.

<3 o.

Alyss Returns To Wonderland: A Metaphor

I am reading a book right now called Seeing Redd by Frank Beddor.

It is a sequel to this book:

This storyline is the "true" story of Alice Liddell, the model / inspiration for Lewis Carroll's (Charles Dodgson's) book, Alice in Wonderland, and it's sequel, Alice Through the Looking Glass. It follows Alyss Heart, the princess of Wonderland, as she flees from Wonderland in order to escape her notorious aunt, Queen Red, and ends up in Victorian England, where she stays for thirteen years, adopted by the Liddell family. During this period of time, she meets Charles Dodgson, who writes a nonsense book about her claims of Wonderland. After her story is made a mockery of, she becomes convinced that Wonderland wasn't real and loses the ability to use her imagination. When she is finally returnd to Wonderland, the entire queendom is depending on Alyss--and her imagination--to free them from the tyranny of Queen Redd. But, if you'll recall, her imagination no longer worked.

Can you imagine what it must have been like for Alylss, returning to Wonderland, trying to conjure and control things with her imagination, and not being able to? Something that came so naturally, almost instinctively to her in the past, had turned into something she struggled with. When she was younger, she could make toys turn into fountains, make people grow feathers, and conjure up different foods, but after being in England for too long, she wasn't even able to make a fan appear.

I think that that is what I have been feeling like lately, especially when it comes to drawing and writing. I know I have already talked about both of these things, but it is so frustrating: I am trying and trying and trying so hard to draw and write, but nothing seems to happen. In comparison with drawings from a year or more ago, all of my drawings now look stiff and dull. My writing is voiceless and choppy. I try to remember how I drew and wrote before, but I don't remember trying to write or draw--I just did it. So why can't I 'just do it' now?

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. There are very few things that don't make me want to write or draw, but all that happens when I try to do either is that I get very frustrated with myself. I don't understand why it's so hard all of a sudden.

<3 o.

Today In Music Theory...

There was a boy in the row in front of me making fun of a boy next to me. He wasn't being too loud, so I don't believe that the teacher could hear him, but I, being between the two, could hear everything. After several minutes of putting up with Front-Row Boy telling Next-To-Me Boy that he was going to kill him, that he was stupid, and verbally musing over the nature of Next-To-Me Boy's parents having sex, I'd pretty much had enough. So, as Front-Row Boy leaned over to hiss yet another insult at the clearly embarassed Next-To-Me Boy, I poked him in the throat with my pencil. Not hard at all, just enough to get his attention, like a tap on the shoulder... but pointier.

And before he'd finished his comment to Next-To-Me Boy, he turned and asked me what I did that for. And I told him I wanted him to shut up because no cares about how cool he thinks he is and I was sick of hearing him talk. "So you poked my neck?" he asked, trying to make the point that my actions had been totally random and had no way of solving the problem. "Would you have prefered it had been your eye?" was my response. He told me he would have prefered his arm, and I told him that that was too bad, because I didn't really care what he prefered, and in that light, next time, it would be his eye. His friend on the other side of the room giggled at this, and he didn't bother Next-To-Me Boy for the rest of the class.

But I don't know what I will do if I have to put up with him doing that another day. All Next-To-Me Boy does is listen to me and my friends, and occasionally try to join the conversation, which we have no problem with. He doesn't do anything to deserve the constant bullying he reserves from Front-Row Boy (and Gang). If it does indeed continue, I wouldn't be surprised at all if Front-Row Boy received a painful reminder that there's always someone cooler than him--or, at least bigger, stronger, and more merciless than him--from a certain Han.

I was thinking about the occurence this afternoon and I said something about it aloud to my parents and Han. Mom strongly disapproved, saying I was only contributing to bullying. Dad said that he, being a teacher, thought it was the right thing, and that I was merely showing Front-Row Boy that his actions had consequences, even if he wasn't "caught." Han just wanted to know his name and locker number so he could "talk to him." (Han isn't really a violent person, but he can be very intimidating. Okay, he was violent once, under an extreme circumstance, but I wasn't there.)

Anyhow, I'm glad that Dad at least sided with me. It didn't evolve into an argument, thankfully. Mom did say not to do it again, and while I think she has a point, if Front-Row Boy does it again, so will I.

This was just something that's been floating around in my brain. I decided to share it so that I could focus on other things a little better. I'd love to hear your comments on whether what I did was what I should have done.

<3 o.

I Won't Be Sleeping Much Tonight

There are a variety of things to speak of, all very briefly.

Firstly, I was very unimpressed with all of the options our Drama class was presented with to choose from for our semester play--so I wrote one. It's called "Saving Wonderland and How Alice Did It." I'm hopeless, I know. I had Han take it to Mrs. H--he simply told her that a girl in the hallway outside her room asked him to give it to her. She did not mention it during class, but neither did we pick a play.

It was a stupid, stupid thing to do, really. I know that there is no chance on Earth that it will be voted on, even if she does mention it to the class. I don't know why I did that, I will only end up looking stupid. I only hope she doesn't figure out that it was me.

Secondly, I hate school. I hate it more than I thought I would, more than I thought I possibly could. There is no real reason. I am just distressed throughout it, from beginning to end, counting the minutes until the end of each class--literally. I don't know how long I can handle this kind of torment. Really, most of my teachers are very nice, and none of them are mean, and there has not been an abundance of homework--so I don't know what to do. I don't know what the problem is, so I don't know how to go about fixing it.

Thirdly... I don't want to talk about tonight. I don't want to think about it. But because it has made me think so much, I will tell you what part of tonight has caused the thought. It is all you will know about what happened.

I don't know why, but I started screaming. And I just couldn't stop.

And now, I'm miserable. Literally. I'm exhausted, but I don't want to go to bed, because I know it will lead to thoughts of tonight, and I don't want to think about it. I don't know what conclusions I would draw if I did, and I don't want to know.

Lastly, I'm on a new medication, Prozac. I think that's the one with the depressed rock in their commercial... I'm supposedly taking it for headaches, but I believe it's also an anti-depressant, so if it could help at all with my stress/unhappiness, that would be great... of course, I thought that that would happen with the Celexa, and then I had some kind of allergic reaction.

I'm pretty sure this has been the worst first week of senior year that I could have possibly imagined for myself. No, actually, this is worse than I could have imagined. Because anything that I could have imagined, I did imagine, and so I was kind of mentally prepared. I was so not ready for this. Not only was I not prepared, but I don't even know what's wrong... and since I don't know the problem, I don't know how to fix it.

Goodnight, blogging community.

Sweet dreams.

<3>

One of the Worst Friday Nights Ever. No, Really.

Exhibit A: When I went to Disneyworld, I spent a couple of days in Epcot. On the first day, I was heading back to our cabin/rooms to put something up and rest, because I hadn't slept well the night before. On my way towards the park exit, I saw a woman sitting by herself on a wall next to a garden. She had her head in hands, and I saw a few tears hitting the ground. In my opinion, no one should cry at Disneyworld, and I was almost certain that someone somewhere deserved to be punished for making her cry, but that wasn't my focus. I hung around that area for probably ten minutes trying to decide if I should do anything, or what I could do if I decided to. I eventually did ask her if she would be okay and if I could help her in any way. I will always wonder what happened to her. I wish I had been able to help her.

Exhibit B: Haleigh loves animals. She loves them so, so much. Not long ago, one our cats had caught a butterfly by the wings. Haleigh loves our cats, but she doesn't like to see anything in pain. She retrieved the butterfly from the cat's mouth as carefully as possible so as not to hurt it. I had huge holes in its wings from the cat's teeth, and I don't think it could ever possibly fly again, but Haleigh put it in some flowers out of the cat's reach anyway. She doesn't like to see any animal in pain. She is the main caretaker of our cats. She plays with them, feeds them, knows all their personalities and the differences between cats that seem otherwise identical. The only thing she won't do is give them medicine, because if they fight it or meow, she gets very upset and afraid that she will hurt them.

Exhibit C: I will not go into the nitty-gritty details, but I have an uncle who used to (and may still) grow, use, and deal illegal drugs. He sold these to my cousin, the son of a different uncle of mine, and he would get high in the basement while leaving his elementary-aged daughters upstairs by themselves. He's not a good person. He refuses to work, and so does his wife. He is thirty-some years old, and his entire life, my grandparents have payed for his food, clothing, water, electricity, taxes, housing, everything. He doesn't have his own money. He spends it on other drugs.

Exhibit D: Tonight was a Friday night. On most Friday nights, I go out with Han, because we don't see each other too much during the school days. Tonight, however, my parents went to help Emily with her house, and they were spending the night there. They asked me to stay home with my two younger sisters, Haleigh and Annalisa. I don't know if I have ever used a fake name for them before, but this is what I'm calling them now. They said I could go out Saturday night, so I said that was fine. I decided I could write a little, I could draw a little, get my room clean, relax... just take everything easy. It was going to be a good night.

But it was not to be. Because I get jumpy alone at night sometimes, Mom and Dad had Grandma and Grandpa come in and check on us, which is fine. But then, my cousin, the young daughter of my bum uncle, called my grandpa. My grandparents recently acquired a kitten, and she wanted it. Hers was sick, and her parents didn't have the money to take it to the vet. Grandma asked if she could have one of ours instead. She asked Haleigh this. Haleigh knows that their house is not a good place for a cat. We have kittens to spare, but we want them all to go to good homes, and Haleigh wants that more than any of us. In Exhibit C, I think I clarified that this does NOT qualify as a good home. So this was very, very awkward for her--she said she'd ask Mom and Dad and she came up to me to ask me what to do and see if she could call them. I could tell she was upset. She didn't want to tell Grandma and Grandpa, "No, we don't trust them to take good care of our cats, and we only give them to good homes," but there was no way she'd ever be able to let a kitten go to a home that would be unable to take care of it.

I call Mom and Dad, because I can tell she is too upset to do anything. I talk to them a little bit, told them that even though they don't mistreat their animals, they can't take care of them if they get sick or hurt, and pointed out that they have a habit of own multiple large, violent dogs at a time. They said that if we were really uncomfortable with letting them have a kitten, that was okay. Grandma eventually decided Zora could have her kitten.

Now, Haleigh was still kind of shaken from the stress of having to say "No" to Grandma, but she also felt bad--Grandma doesn't like animals very often, and she felt awful that Grandma was going to give her kitten up, and she also didn't like the idea of any kitten living there... Recall Exhibit B. Haleigh loves all animals, anything that is alive. She hates for them to be in pain.

After Grandma left, I tried to calm Haleigh down. She was upset about the kitten and felt guilty about Grandma giving hers away. She was doing okay. Her voice was a little shaky, and her eyes were moist, but she was doing okay. I suggested that she call Mom and Dad and give them an update, and told her that they would probably be able to help her feel better. So she did.

Ten minutes later, I walk into her room, and she is on the phone with Dad, in tears. And I am about to explode. Not only do I hate to see people cry, especially my little sisters, but I have spent over an hour trying to keep her calm, reassuring her that the kitten will probably be okay, and here she is, talking to Dad, whom we had relied upon to make things better, and it feels like all my efforts to calm her down have been wasted. Because now she is in tears. I felt so let down and betrayed--my parents are always saying to come to them with their problems, and here, we had, and things had only gotten worse.

So I probably over-reacted. That part doesn't matter that much. I got into it a little bit with Mom and Dad, but we smoothed it over.

But I cried. And Haleigh and Annalisa saw me. And I hated it. I can cry, surely. I can cry by myself, no problem. I can cry with my friends around. I can cry in front of my parents without too much problem. But crying in front of my little sisters--they're relying on me to be in charge, to be calm, to be able to handle whatever problem comes up. When I cried, I was not showing that I was going to be able to handle problems.

And Annalisa, who is ten, didn't know what to do. Both her older sisters were crying. I could tell she was confused. She just walked back and forth between our rooms, never looking at us, but obviously focusing on us. Now I will refer to Exhibit A, because she looked just how I felt when I was watching the lady crying in the park. Just wanting to do something, trying to think of something, not sure if she will be able to help. I felt so bad, and I felt like I had let her down. I know I always felt helpless and confused if I saw Emily cry... how must Annalisa have felt when she saw both of her older sisters crying?

So I felt let down by my parents, I felt stressed by Haleigh's distress, I felt as if I had let down my little sisters by crying when I should have been being an adult, and I feel disappointed in myself for not getting anything done. I also feel guilty that Grandma is giving away her kitten, and guilty that I got so angry at Dad when he wasn't being that mean. (At least, not as mean as he normally is.) There was not a single good emotion this entire night.

All in all, I would say this Friday night was a complete disappointment. Someone somewhere owes me a new Friday, I'm pretty sure.

<3 o.

The World is Made Up of Stories, Not Atoms.

-Muriel Rukeyser

Four years ago, I was fourteen. I was in Junior High, I believe... or possibly a freshman. And I thoroughly enjoyed The Phantom of the Opera--the book. I don't know if the new musical movie was out at the time, but I had become so intrigued by what I had heard of the story, that I decided to read the book. It was very difficult for me, and much that I didn't understand--but I loved it.

I loved it so much that I wrote a really lame fanfiction story that I don't really expect you to look at, but thought that I might provide for you in case you were curious. It was a sequel to The Phantom of the Opera, and it wasn't very good--I was fourteen, after all.

But it got a lot of really good reviews! I was so encouraged! I had a very elaborate plot worked out that I was proud of--meaning in all the weird things that happened. I think I even had an ending in mind.

Then I got one bad review. It was the longest one I had yet to recieve, and it was rather upsetting at the time. Soon afterwards, I had reviews that said not to worry about what that person said--develope the characters how I wanted to. It is my story, after all, and I am the one writing it. So I tried. I really did. But the sixth chapter just never did meet completion, and now it had most certainly been lost forever, since all our computers have certainly been reformatted since then--probably more than once--and I don't even remember which computer I was writing on.

But tonight, I felt this urge to write, and I was looking around on a few writing sites for some ideas, and one of them was fanfiction.net. I remembered that I had put something on there before, so I decided to go for a moonlit stroll down memory lane. I read all five chapters, and then I went back and read the reviews.

And I wished I could finish it. I wished that all the people who were online four years ago would be guaranteed to still be online... just like I wasn't. I wished I knew how I should end it. I wished I had not disappointed all those, "Please post the next chapter!"s and "I can't wait to see how it ends!"s.

And even more so, I wanted to write. I wanted to write so bad. I wanted to be able to pull an intriguing thought out of my head, and organize it into an intricate plot, and share it with anyone who would be willing to spare a few minutes. I wanted it. And I want it now.

Unfortunately, my brain feels so garbled right now. My head has hurt regularly, without fail, every night for several nights in a row now, and I am so stressed with school starting. I have never been more upset about the beginning of school.

I have started and worked on so many stories, but never to complete one. I've tried. I've mapped out chapters, done character designs, descriptions, and sketches. I've illustrated covers, drafted scenes, written prologues. I have worked so hard, but I just can't seem to accomplish anything substantial... I lose my momentum, I forget about, I lose my papers... and it's back to square one.

Always on square one.

<3 o.

Too Many Q's, Not Enough A's.

Inspired by a lovely, pensive post that can be found here, written by the amazing Elsa.

They teach you 1+1 and other mathematical phenomenons. They teach you for years how to form the perfect sentence in English, and then they start in on the Spanish. They teach you the names of the states and have you label a map. They teach you how to find the percent composition of magnesium oxide. They teach you how to draw and shade cones, spheres, and cubes. They might even teach you how to play the clarinet.

So is it any surprise that most seniors are so apprehensive about graduating? When did they ever really teach us anything that will help? We have other questions that need answering, other things we need to know!: Can you maintain relationships with friends that are hundreds of miles away? How do you balance more schoolwork than ever with a work schedule that you need to pay for it? Where do you find an affordable, but safe, house if you need one? Are there any food alternatives to ramen noodles? But most importantly, what comes next?

And thusly shall my little project be called: What Comes Next? I will come up with or find questions or confusions relating to school / graduating--questions that most people don't bother answering--hopefully averaging one question for every week or two. Because Elsa is what made me think of this, I expect her to help. (Oh ho ho, I bet you thought, "Oh I feel so wonderful, I inspired a series of posts, eehee!" Well I got news for you, sister! You have to WORK for that honor!)

I will only do this when I have time, and I will probably not spend too much effort deliberating over questions. If I come across a question or something comes to mind, I will seek out a solution, but don't expect me to be consistent. The answers I find will probably not matter to most people who read, so, more than an advice column, this will be more of an opportunity for me to try to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the challenges ahead.

SUBJECT CHANGE

Tomorrow is the first day of my Senior year of High School. It is the beginning of the end. And it is the end of naps as I have come to know them.

Tomorrow I will walk into an all-too-familiar building full of all-too-familiar people, and they will all see a none-too-familiar face.

Because today I got my my lovely, waist-length hair cut to shoulder-length, and I now have bright blue streaks throughout. Aside from the fact that I have wanted blue highlights for years, there is a kind of reason for this.

Everyone has their pre-determined idea of everyone else. I don't know everything that everyone thinks of me, but I do know this: Many, many people think of me as the perfect, straight-A student, who would never do anything that wasn't what I was told to do. I kind of want to break that stereotype. I do take pride in my grades, because I put a great deal of effort into them, and I do believe that there is a lot of good to be said for being conservative in certain areas. However, that doesn't mean that I am not fun-loving (which I am) and it doesn't mean that I won't make my own decisions (because I will).

My hope is that perhaps the shorter hair and the blue streaks will make people look twice, and maybe, if they look twice, they will think twice. Hopefully, some people will realize, "There is more to a person (me!) than I had known," and they will rethink some of their assumptions.

Of course, there will be those people who will just be encouraged in their thoughts that I am crazy, and that's okay. I kind of am. :]

<3 o.

On The Subject of Hattie and Marcy

Emily, my older sister (also known as Emmo), has a roommate who is also one of her friends. Her name, for the sake of this entry, is Marcy. Next door to their house, there is an elderly couple who owns a dog, some variation of a lab. They are unable to walk the dog, so Marcy walks it, and sometimes when she is walking the dog, Emily will go with her to keep her company and get some air herself. Well, Marcy is moving, and the couple was talking about who would walk the dog when she has moved. Emily had told them she would do it if they like, and they expressed their concern to Marcy about Emily being rather small. That is a reasonable concern, because our whole family is "rather small." Emily and I are both 4'11 to 5', but we have had dogs before, and Emily works out. But, Marcy's response wasn't, "Well, I think Emily could probably handle it, she has experience with dogs," or, "She does work out, though, so she's pretty strong for her size." No, what Marcy said was, "Well, sometimes when Emily goes out with us, I let her try to walk the dog."

"Like I'm ten or something," Emily said to Mom later when relating this story.

Marcy's habits of doing and saying things like this to belittle Emily reminds me of my friend Hattie, who behaves similarly (though it took me a few years to realize it).

Hattie was my best friend from second grade through the beginning of high school. Probably in Junior High, we starting having some harsher quarrels than in the past, but in High School, her behavior at times was infuriating. It escalated from telling me I couldn't sing in fourth grade (which I found out about a year ago, isn't necessarily true) to getting really angry if I didn't want to walk to band with her in Junior High to telling me she couldn't go to the Relay For Life with me because she had work the next day during Sophomore year (oh but, by the way, she could go to the midnight showing of Spiderman 3).

I find it somewhat ironic that both Emily and I had/have close friends that have a rather strong reputation of trying to belittle or discourage us. Both Marcy and Hattie will take almost any situation to make themselves look as good as they can... or at least better than Emily or I, often in the form of making us look incompetent, unintelligent, foolish, selfish, ignorant, or weak.

Sometimes I wonder what would have been different about my childhood if I hadn't spent so much time with Hattie. For instance, would I have felt differently about my height? She always called me Shortie in elementary school. Would I have done more summer musicals at the Community Theater? She was always telling me I couldn't sing. Would I have made more friends? She was constantly complaining about or making fun of other people when they weren't around.

I don't want Hattie to sound like a complete monster. She had her good times. She has a good sense of humor and was usually encouraging about my drawing. It's just that as we got older, she seemed to get less and less encouraging and more and more belittling, to the point that, like on the night of Relay For Life, she just came across of flat-out rude and inconsiderate.

It's not really a big deal anymore. We don't hang out very much now, and she's been rather upstaged by Elsa's somewhat sweeter personality. Hattie will occasionally call and try to make plans, but between Han and Elsa, I'm nearly always booked.

I could go into more detail about how Hattie can be frustrating to be around, but I feel I've been negative enough for the day. I was thinking about it because of what has been happening with Emily and Marcy, and how interesting it was that both our friends do that. I wonder if it is them or if it is us?

<3 o.

If It's Not Broken, Don't Fix It

That's what somebody ought to tell them.

Tim Burton is making a new movie--an Alice in Wonderland movie. Now, I like Tim Burton, I think his movies are very good in many aspects, and he has made a few of my favorite movies, but I don't think he has any business messing with Alice.

Because, let's face it, Tim Burton's work is dark. And it's creepy. It is dark and creepy, and Alice in Wonderland is a children's book. Okay, sure, Lewis Carroll was on drugs while he wrote it--but the book isn't about drugs. One of my main concerns is that he will forget that and focus on the acid-tripping aspect.

Alice in Wonderland has already been made into some very good movies. The Disney cartoon is sweet, charming, and innocent. The atmosphere is light and fun, and it's a very good children's film. My favorite Alice film, the 1985 Alice in Wonderland, is just phenomenal. The songs and music are exquisite, and the cast that they got together for that is just miraculous. I don't think the odds of another cast like that being put together again is very good. Included in this cast were Red Buttons, Sammy Davis Jr., Martha Rave, Imogene Coca, Telly Savalas, Jayne Meadows, Ringo Starr, John Stamos, Steve Allen, and Jonathan Winters... to name a very small amount.

Both of these Alice videos are classic masterpieces, and there is absolutely no need for a new Alice take. Maybe I would be more open to it if Tim Burton didn't have such a record for dark, morbid films... and if the girl cast to be Alice wasn't 18 (Mia Wasikowska). The only hope I am holding onto is that I believe Disney is involved somewhat, and the scriptwriter is the same as the scriptwriter for The Lion King.

I just don't understand why we need a new Alice in Wonderland film. The already existing movies are all so wonderful and classic, nothing now will be able to do them justice. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which Tim Burton also directed, was good--however, it was still darker than the book, and I don't think it was as good as it could have been. For a Roald Dahl book, it was good--but I love Alice. I don't want anyone to hurt that story.

I could go further in-depth into the whole "Carroll was on drugs, Carroll was a pedophile" thing in corrolation to how Tim Burton will make the film, but here's it: I don't care that he was on drugs, it is still a good children's story, and it isn't actually about drugs, so whatever. I don't believe that he was a pedophile, he took children's portraits, and some of them were nude--always with the parents presence, and before it was considered immoral by society. I don't want Tim Burton to make this film, because I think Alice is a perfect children's story with already fantastic renditions in existence, and Tim Burton isn't exactly known for his charming children's work--and the fact that an 18-year-old is playing Alice isn't exactly reassuring me any.

Alice in Wonderland isn't broken, and Tim Burton doesn't need to try to fix it.

<3 o.

Dear Mr. Sandefer,

As you have probably not been informed, my locker is no longer next to your classroom. Surprisingly, this is by far the largest disappointment of my senior year. My locker was terribly convenient, since it was on the end, but that was the least of its mighty virtue. The greatest thing about my locker was that you, being one of the friendliest teachers, said good morning to me every day and asked how I was doing. Out of politeness, of course, but if I am not next to your classroom, no one will tell me good morning, and no one will ask how I am. And I really enjoy being told good morning!

The "good morning" exchange is just one thing I will miss. Being no longer in your class, I will miss our occasional little arguments--Me complaining about the government, and you trying to convince me that it's all the best it can be. I know you're right, and I knew it when we argued. However, sometimes I just enjoy being negative, and in addition, it was a good way to get to know you better.

You are a very difficult teacher to get to know. You are caring and polite, but at the same time, not very personal. (I assume you are like that because the last chemistry teacher we had eloped with a student and moved to Kentucky.) However, you were the best science teacher I'd had since Junior High, and one of the best teachers I've had ever, and so I wanted to know a little more about you. What I said about teacher's pay and how I feel about it is true--one of the few things I said during our arguments that I think actually deserves some attention. However, I am glad that you became a teacher.

I think you are an exquisite teacher. As with any teacher who tries to teach, there are students who think that you are too demanding, but you are one of those great teachers who really wants the students to know what you are trying to tell them. If you expect a lot from your students, you are also willing to help them meet your standards in whatever way. I remember the day when you were so sick, and it was obvious that you felt horrible, but you stayed at school when you easily could have (and probably should have) gone home, because you wanted to get all of the classes caught up.

But this is just the beginning of how you struck me as an amazing person! I believe you talked about your wife two times during the year I was in your class, and each time, you expressed such admiration for her. It was the sweetest thing, Mr. Sandefer. I always wished you would talk about her more often, because one doesn't see a husband talk that way about his wife as often as one should. I hope that, when I get married, my husband talks that way about me.

As I draw this little letter to a close, there is just one thing left to say: I just remembered that I have a friend, Elsa, who is taking chemistry this year, and it is possible that I will accompany her either to or from that class. If this is the case, I hope you tell me "good morning" when I get there! Or at least "hello".

<3 o.

p.s. : I am sorry for any times I fell asleep in your class. It is nothing to do with you--Sometimes I am just exhausted and can't help myself. I tried hard to stay awake, and I think you probably noticed that I was fighting it, and that's why you usually gave me a few minutes before making me wake up. Thank you for those few minutes. :)

Love Me Never Leave Me

is an excellent book written by Marilyn Meberg. I am not even half-way through it, and it has already helped me in a big way.

I purchased this book at a Women of Faith conference just a couple of days ago. There were so many books that I was interested in, but this one just didn't seem to want to leave me alone, and it came along at just the right time.

I posted recently about my constant tears, fears, and the like. Well, I have been thinking about that, the first half in particular, quite a bit, and amidst all of this thinking, I have had a few thoughts.

One is that, I'm really not ugly. I may not be gorgeous, but I'm not ugly. And if I cry or shudder when I look in the mirror, it's not because I am ugly, it is because I am not pretty--at least, I am not the kind of pretty that is admired by the world.

So I think that the source of this insecurity is not in my appearance, because there's really nothing wrong with my appearance. I think the source of this is more that I would like for others to acknowledge my worth. If I want my appearance to be different, it is so that others will notice me, acknowledge me, and thus, acknowledge that I have value.

I also think that this is a desire that goes much farther than my longing to be "pretty." For instance, when I cried as a result of AOK's remarks about a movie character, it was not because the girl was prettier than me, exactly. It was that this girl was getting attention and admiration for her appearance, which was unlike mine--which meant that I was unworthy of that kind of attention or admiration. And if I am unworthy of this kind of admiration, and there are other girls who are worthy of it, then what is to stop Han from spending his time and thoughts on those girls over me?

Now you are probably thinking, "Hold up, o, I thought we were talking about your insecurity, and now you're talking about Han?" Yes. Han does not make me insecure, that is for sure, but my fear of him leaving is a very fertile place for insecurity to take root. That is what is has done, and it has flourished.

I knew both these things before reading Love Me Never Leave Me: I was highly insecure and I did not want Han to ever leave me. What I had not quite realized was that those two feelings were so closely connected.

Love Me Never Leave Me is a book about abandonment, but not just abandonment like being left on an orphanage doorstep. Marilyn, who has two master's degrees and a private counseling practice, goes into great detail about emotional abandonment and the fear of abandonment. She says that nearly everyone copes with abandonment issues in some way, even if it's subconcious, even if it's emotional, even if it's just the fear of abandoment, and that some struggle with it more than others. I think she is right. I can't explain it the way she can, so you should just go buy the book and read it.

So at around probably midnight or a little later last night, I've figured out that my insecurity is some form of an "abandonment issue", because it stems largely from my fear of being left by Han. And then I read this part of Marilyn's book, an account of how she felt after stealing communion crackers from her church's kitchen:

I didn't know it then, but I was suffering from shame. I feared that somehow I had so deeply offended God that I was not worthy of forgiveness. Surely only an unworthy pagan would steal symbols of Him. And if God wouldn't, or couldn't, forgive me, then He would surely reject me. He would abandon me, and I'd get left with all the other worthless sinners who had offended Him so mightily that He cast them away from His presence, never to be allowed readmittance.

And I thought, "Wow. I feel like that all the time." Fortunately, Marilyn's book is also full of scripture that reassures of us God's faith, love, and forgiveness. Thank God for Marilyn Meberg.

Anyway, I started thinking again, because I need the practice, and I was thinking about a time recently when I was crying, specifically for the fear of Han leaving me. One of the weirdest things about that night was that Han was with me (I don't usually cry in the presence of others). So I gave a great amount of thought to his reaction.

He was half upset, because he hates it when I am sad, and he hates it even more when I cry. But he was also half amused, because he sees my fears of him breaking up with me as unfounded and silly. He kept saying, "Honey, I'm not going to leave you, I love you. I've already told you that I won't break up with you, you don't need to worry about it."

I wonder if that's what God is doing when I fret and cry for the shame that Marilyn wrote about. So often, when I am miserable for that kind of shame, I envision God ignoring me... abandonment. But if God is who he says he is, then I had it all wrong, and that is not what would he would be doing at all. He would be more like what Han was doing, hugging me and, half-laughing, reminding me of things like Isaiah 41: 9 ("I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.") and 1 John 1:9 ("If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.") I know now that that is what he is really doing, and I think it will bring me so much peace in the nights to come.

<3 o.

p.s. : I highly recommend this book for anyone who does or does not think they have abandonment issues. Marilyn is a clever and witty writer, who knows how to incorporate just the right doses of humor with moving and influencial writing.