Some People Do It All At Once, Some Do It A Little Bit Every Day

I don't want anyone to think that I am suicidal, or contemplating suicide, or that I am even drawn to self-mutilation. Not that I don't think of that from time to time, because, let's be honest, everyone has. However, I find it odd that even though I have no desire to to end my life, I often have suicidal ideas. For instance, I keep a razor blade in my dresser drawer. I don't know why it's there, sometimes I have to cut paper or cardboard, and it comes in handy. From time to time, I'll be rummaging in my drawer for a hairtie or something and I'll see it there in the sliding tray, and I'll think, "I should cut myself." It's not even that I really think it, actually, it's like someone stuck it in my head or whispered it to me. There was no thought process up to it, I just had this idea. Other times, I'll have my window open for fresh air, and I'll be looking outside at the sunlight or the stars or the clouds, which are nearly always pretty outside my window, and I'll suddenly think, "I should jump." I don't understand these urges, since I really don't hate my life enough to destroy it like that.

I can only imagine what a pastor says at the funeral of a suicide. In actuality, I can't even do that. Not a single thing comes to mind that would be the right thing to say. Of course, there is hardly a right thing to say when someone dies, but a suicide seems doubly worse.

Some people kill themselves out of sorrow. They have no hope left that their life will ever get any better, and they figure they might as well get it over with rather than endure more suffering. Other people do it out of anger, at other people, at God, at the universe. They commit suicide as a last little "I'll-Show-You." Some people kill themselves because of a mixture of the two feelings. There are also the people who don't put an end to their mortal lives, they simply stop living.

This last form of suicide is often overlooked, and is sometimes even unintentional by the victim, but I believe that there are many people today who live there life after committing this kind of suicide. In some ways, this is the best kind of suicide because there is still hope for being revived. Often, they don't continue to endure the suffering as harshly as they may have before, but instead experience a kind of ongoing apathy towards everything.

What are people thinking when they say things like, "Go cut yourself" or "Just kill yourself already"? I wonder if those people ever consider the weight of their words on the people they're said to. I wonder if those people really were to seriously harm or kill themselves, if the people who told them to would think, "Wow, I made a huge mistake... Would they have done that if I hadn't given them a hard time?" or if they think, "Go figures. Moron. Good riddance," and go on with life.

I know that people shouldn't blame themselves for the actions of others, i.e., someone shouldn't feel guilty because someone they knew or loved has killed themselves, but what if you were a source of the suffering that pushed them toward it? I think that if you are among the people who neglected that person when they were obviously upset, or especially if you made their life difficult or even told them to kill themselves, then you'd better feel guilty, and you'd better feel guilty for a long time. It's true, you didn't force them to put the gun to their head or pull the trigger, but you sure encouraged it. Isn't that just as wrong?

One of my worst fears is that something I do or say might make someone feel isolated or unwanted. I would hate to be part of the emotional deterioration that pushes one towards suicide. I don't know what I would do if one of my friends, or even just someone I know, killed themselves. I would always regret not being nicer to them or not doing enough to help.

I guess that's all I had to say. I'm sorry this was so depressing. I don't know who I'm apologizing to, since I don't believe anyone will ever read any of this, but that's irrelevent. :]

<3 o.