Sometimes, I Stay Up Really Late Being Lonely.

I should not be doing this right now. I should not be posting on my anonymous, secret, and pointless blog, I should be making sure that the MLA citations are correct on my English paper, or trying to get Criterion to work so that I can get credit for a rough draft (Even though I didn't write one--Ha!). I should be working on finding answers for the history test tomorrow to add to my notes, because there are people counting on me to finish the notes. But for once in my life, I don't care. I have decided that this one time, in the last three years, I will not stay up until all hours of the night pushing myself to do more than I am capable of. I will stay up late, but it will not be doing stressful schoolwork. The consequences of this will come later. (As Hikaru Utada would say, "Hold me, Whatever lies beyond this morning, Is a little later on, Regardless of warnings, The future doesn't scare me at all, Nothing's like before.") I stay up late almost every night, but if it's not for homework, it's usually not intentional. A lot of times, I can't sleep, or I can't stop crying, for whatever reason happens to strike me that night.

Tonight, I am looking at PostSecrets. I think PostSecrets are the most magical things in the world, don't you? I love so many of them, even though a lot of them make me want to cry. The main reason for this is that I can relate to so many of them. I love the feeling that I am not alone. :] I get that from reading PostSecrets.
I have planned so many of my own postcards to send in to PostSecret, but I never have gotten around to actually doing it. I don't know why. I think that, while it would make me feel better emotionally to send in a secret, especially if it were posted, mailing a piece of paper with words about your problems written on it isn't going to solve the problem. I can see how it would be the first step to finding a solution, though. PostSecret also offers several teen helplines. (Go Frank!)

I say that I hate people a lot. Not specific people, but the world, the universe, etcetera. This isn't really true though. In actuality, I love people. I don't necessarily love to be around them, but I care about almost every person I have ever met, however brief or negative a period. I don't like to let people know this, because I don't wan to be made any more vulnerable than I already am, but I know that I should. I know that people need to know that someone cares. I realized this one summer when I went to a convention for "young leaders." I met so many selfish people there, I couldn't believe that these were the teenagers chosen to have real leadership potential. So many of them seemed to have the insensitive They-Need-To-Get-Over-It attitude. The kind where they don't care how what they do affects other people, as long as it's good for the economy. It really upset me to hear just how coldly some of these people spoke about the feelings of others. I don't care if the reason that a person is upset is unreasonable, you can't just ignore someone's feelings because you don't agree with them. That's wrong. I realized during that convention that I had to actively care about other people, because if I didn't, then who would? This soon became a lonely endeavor. I didn't like the feeling of being the only person in the world who wanted to help others. When you're the only person who sees the importance of kindness, you don't recieve a whole lot of it. I don't care what people say about getting kindness in return for kindness. I'm telling you, in high school, it doesn't work that way.
Paul Dunbar spoke at our school recently. His speech was meaningful to me, but in a different way that it was to most, I think. I was just very reassured to know that I was not the only person who cared, or the only person who wants to make differences in people's lives. Thank you, Paul, for letting me know that I am not alone in that!

I'm talking about being alone a lot tonight, aren't I? I really hate being lonely. I guess it's because, when I'm alone, I'm the only thing here. I really don't like me, and I'm not exactly sure why. I think it's because my life is wonderful, nearly perfect, and definitely worth envying, yet I'm not happy. I think that my reasoning is, if I'm not happy, then there has to be a reason, and if everything in my life is good, then there's no reason to be found except in myself.

But I don't really want to think about that.

The problem is, I know that as soon as I get off of here, that will be all I think about, and I will cry myself to sleep, just like any other night.

Most nights I stay up really late being lonely. I thought that tonight would be different, just because I decided it would be, but as it turns out, deciding something doesn't necessarily make it true. I can decide to change my life by sending in a PostSecret, but sending in a PostSecret won't necessarily change my life.

I guess loneliness is something that just can't be escaped.

<3 o.