Friday, June 27, 2008

We All Dream

...we do not understand our dreams. yet we act as if nothing strange goes on in our sleep minds, strange at least by comparison with the logical, purposeful doings of our minds when we are awake.
-Erich Fromm

As of late, a lot of weird things have been happening in my dreams and in my life. I have been thinking about them a lot lately and I just thought I'd share them with you.

Twice, I have dreamed about going to Plato's Closet and looking for my lost ITALIA shirt. I found it in the first dream, but I couldn't buy it at the time (maybe because I was asleep in bed...), and in the second dream, they were rearranging the store so that only part of it was rearranged by color. I don't remember if I ever found my shirt, but I think I did. I hope I keep having those dreams, because it makes me feel better about my shirt being there. I know that my dreams are only my subconcious working out things that are on my mind, but it still feels reassuring to me.

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I don't like to sleep. I hate sleeping. Every time I sleep, I feel like I'm wasting time. Every hour I spend asleep, I could be drawing, talking, writing, reading, watching, and I remind myself of that all the time.

So it's really weird that I have taken a nap almost every day this summer, including at my friend's house on my birthday! I get ten to fourteen hours of sleep every day... that's a lot! Especially for me! Now, sometimes it's because I'm actually tired. But in the morning, I won't wake up because I always want to finish my dream. In the most recent one that I remember, I was in New Jersey, and I was with a bunch of street kids on some kind of trip. Something went wrong, and we had to make our way down McCormick's Creek (which, by the way, is in Indiana), but it wasn't much of a creek, it was more like a really huge, really fast river. One boy in particular offered to help. We rode down the creek on this log, and it was amazing. The boy was African American, and I remember thinking at one point, "Wow, he has got the most gorgeous skin I have ever seen." He told me his name was McCormick's Creek. It was really weird, and even though I stayed in bed two extra hours to see how the dream ended, I don't remember.

A few nights ago, I was taking Greg home, and we stopped a thrift store to see when it opened. The thrift store was right next to the square, and Kalel (a boy that Elsa really likes) was on the square with a friend and we talked a little bit, and he seemed... really weird. Not nearly as nice or fun as he normally is, and Elsa had recently been talking about how he sometimes acts different or ignores her around different people. So, a couple of nights later, I was talking to her about her thinking that Kalel was this perfect guy, when really, he would disappoint her at times even if they did date, because he seemed to be kind of superficial, and she... sort of freaked out.

Elsa doesn't dream. I mean, everyone dreams, but she never remembers her dreams. It turns out that the reason she spazzed was because the same night I ran into Kalel on the square was the night she had a dream about him ignoring her around a bunch of other people, and it was the only dream she had ever remembered.

So, a lot of strange things have been happening in the sleep of me and others lately. And that's all I got.

<3 o.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I Awoke With Devout Thanksgiving For My Friends.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well, today was my eighteenth birthday! Yay me!

But this entry is not about me.

Today was, of course, loads of fun. Elsa was a large part of that. :) I thought she had already given me my birthday present, a Tinkerbell keychain, but she surprised me today with Tinkerbell stamps, stickers, paper, and a necklace! We also went to go see a movie (Kung Fu Panda), which I thought I was going to pay for, but then she and her mom did. :)

Elsa is a very special friend to me. She is in a wheelchair, but that's not really why she is special. Unlike me, Elsa has been able to overcome the all-too-common mental disability of "I Want To Be Like That." In other words, she has already accepted that she can't be like everyone else, and realizes that wanting it is only a waste of time, and that she should be working on building her life as she is. That is something I am not sure I will ever be able to do.

Sometimes Elsa can be a little selfish, or might not think about how her actions will affect others, but she has been better about that as of late, and even if she can be selfish at times, I think that most of the time, she is focused on her friends. Elsa really knows the value of a good friend, because they are so hard for her to come by. Most people can't see beyond four wheels and a battery to see the heart, the mind, and the smile sitting on top of them. I wish they could, though, because they are missing out.

In addition, she is constantly impressing me with different things that she can do. I am constantly amazed at her abilities, considering that her hands aren't fully flexible. She can write and draw and play video games and open her door and play with her cats and take photographs and all kinds of things all by herself, and I so admire her ability to do things even with her setbacks.

Han also made my birthday really special. :) We are going to Holiday World tomorrow (that's a small theme park / water park a few hours away) and he has been so sweet all day. He doesn't have a steady job right now, and he has been working so hard to be able to take me to Holiday World. In addition, he bought me some "Melt Away Stress" bodywash... how cute! :P

Like Elsa, Han has impressively overcome crummy circumstances to become something admirable. His family is somewhat, eh, shall we say... well, it's just not really a good situation. I have talked about his mom before, but in addition, his father used to be abusive. His sister (kind of) grew up after running away, stealing a van and a gun, getting pregnant twice in high school, and stealing various amounts of money and medication from her mother. That considered, I would say it's miraculous that Han somehow turned out so good. He doesn't smoke, drink, or even curse, and we even go to youth group together.

Han is an amazing guy. He's so sensitive and caring, and patient with my ridiculous fears and obsessions. I also know that I don't have to worry about any kind of safety issue when he is around. I could go on about him for hours.

And, of course, my own family was a great contributor to my wonderful birthday. :) I had made up a list of things I would like for my birthday--a choice of a group of small items or one large item (a keyboard). Surprisingly, I got both! I got everything on my list, including the keyboard, and even a princess-themed party. :) (I'm such a mature 18-year-old, yes?) Mom and Dad really out-did themselves, I feel so special. I am always concerned about them spending money on me, and so I tried not to sound like I wanted anything too much, but they went out of their way for me anyway. :) Maybe it sounds shallow, but I don't think it is. They didn't buy the things because I wanted them, they bought them because they knew they were things I would use and enjoy.

My little sisters, too. One got me a really nice musical snow-globe with Tinkerbell inside it that was on sale at a Disney store, and one of them made me a Sailor Moon tiara and locket. I think that this birthday was really special involving them because I have been trying to be a better big sister lately. I know they look up to me, and I want to be a good example. Hopefully I am doing that.

I thank God for the loving family I was given, and the amazingly strong friends I have acquired. :)

<3 o.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Well, Crud.

For a couple of years now, I've had a t-shirt that just hangs in my closet. It is a very nice t-shirt that I got on sale, and it fits me perfectly. It is a light peach-pink with the red word "ITALIA" written across the front with a green border. I never wore it because it was also a reminder of a painful time during my life, during which I wore it a lot (it was brand new then). Since then, I have never been able to wear it, but couldn't bring myself to throw it away.

Today, I thought I would sell some shirts and stuff to Plato's Closet for a few extra dollars, a plan that ultimately failed, and while getting the clothing together, I thought, "I'll never wear that shirt again. I might as well not keep it." So I put it in the bag with the rest of the shirts.

It happened to be one of the few items I actually ended up selling to them, and as soon as I walked out of that store, I immediately realized that I'd made a mistake in getting rid of it.

Even though it was a sad part of my life, and it is over, I cannot get rid of or forget about what happened during it. It is impossible to delete part of one's life, but even if it were possible, it would be a foolish thing to do. And even though I don't enjoy thinking about it, if I had the choice, I would not throw away those memories. They are sad, yes, but they have taught me good lessons, and even though they are over, I am certain that they will come in handy in the future.

So I regret selling my t-shirt. Like my memories from that part of my life, I'm sure I could have gotten a few more good wears from it.

Now, I'm not really one to pass up opportunity. So, if I find an opportunity to rescue that shirt from the depths of obscurity and an existence of meaninglessness, I shall indeed do so.

Hopefully I can find the time to create that opportunity before anyone kidnaps it from the Plato's Closet rack...

<3 o.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Dear Mr. Nelson,

Remember when you were always so proud of us because we were your "First Class"? You always acted like we were so special to you, because we were the first band you got to teach all yourself, without any other band instructors before you. You got to teach us everything from scratch.

I really wish you hadn't decided to leave before we graduated.

I know a lot of students make fun of you for whatever reason, but that is the way it is with high school students. We are just stupid, Mr. Nelson, and we don't recognize good character where we see it. Most of us didn't know how totally awesome you could be. I guess I didn't know very much either. But I do know this: The fact that you went on a Disney Cruise for your honeymoon is pretty much the awesomest thing I have ever heard of. And the fact that you and your wife bought Harry Potter at midnight when it came out is pretty cool, too, for a teacher.

So I hope you don't think that I quit band because of anything to do with you. I probably was not the best student, but I really did like your class, and I really did miss it after I dropped it. I know I said that I was dropping it because it didn't fit in my schedule, but that wasn't entirely true, and I feel like I at least owe you a true explanation.

I dropped band because I have a huge self esteem issue and I couldn't stand sitting next to the dancers another game. I could not do it. I know that the dancers are not really of an enviable moral standing, but let's face it, they're pretty. And I hated having to march around or sit there in a shapeless uniform or t-shirt while there they were, being watched and admired and applauded and pretty. I know it's not really the band's fault that I felt that way. I'm sure I would have felt that way if I went to a game as a student, but as a student, I would not have chosen to go to a game, and as a band member, I cried before and after almost every single one.

I really am sorry that I dropped band. I'm also sorry that I never got around to giving you the blank CD so you could burn all the pieces I wanted recordings of (all the Broadway or movie pieces and any of the pep band pieces you had recorded).

I am going to miss you very much next year. If I'd had a brain, I would never have dropped Music Theory last year so that I could take Art. Art... was an unbelievable mistake. And now it's too late to take Music Theory with you. Mr. Nichols is going to teach it and it is going to be boring and uneducational. No offence to him, but he just always seems so unenthusiastic and... I don't know. I was just really looking forward to having you for a teacher for another year.

Is the real reason that you're moving to Florida really for a better job? Florida is 48th in the U.S. for education, you know. Or maybe you want to be closer to Disney World? I couldn't blame you for that.

Well, I guess I've said all I need to say. I hope you have fun in Florida, and that whatever job you get there is worth the move. :)

<3 o.

p.s. : I am probably going to Disney World for the first time ever this summer! Maybe I will see you there.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Where Dreams Come True

Or not.

My parents have just informed me that there is a 90% chance that we will go to Disney World this summer. I have always, always wanted to go to Disney World!

So why am I not excited? I have a few theories.

One is that I'm going with my family. I know that sounds mean, but I feel less able to be hyper, energetic, and outgoing when I'm with my family. For example, let's imagine a scenario that we walk past a princess a couple hundred feet away.
With family: "Hey, you guys, look! There's a princess over there! Look! Should we go see her?"
With friends: *gasp* "Ohmigosh! There's a princess over there! Look! Look at the princess, let's go see her! Please! Let's go!" [while jumping up and down and hugging someone's arm]

Another theory is that, after my parents rejected the Disney World plan in junior high, I made other plans for my first trip to Disney World. Neither Han or I have been to Disney World before, so we both kind of wanted to go for the first time together. Even aside from that, I know he'll miss me and be disappointed. He's got this thing about the differences between our parents, that my parents care about me and my happiness and his parents don't care about his. (I used to think that was ridiculous. But then his mom wouldn't give him money to eat, just so she could buy herself a pack of cigarettes and I started to see a pattern.) But anyway, not only is that disappointing his expectation with that, but it's also going to make him even more upset that while I have parents who like to go places, do things, and actually spend time together, his parents like to take his truck, fish without him for about 14 hours a day, and expect the house to be spotless when they come home (when they are the ones who mess it up to begin with).

Even if I didn't get to go with Han for the first time, I'd also had this sort of secret dream of going to Disney World for the first time on my honeymoon. I'm not engaged or anything right now, but I just think that that would enhance the magic so much more. It was a silly dream to begin with, but it's just kind of sad for me to have to part with it.

It's stupid for me to be this disappointed that I'm going to Disney World. It really is. I'm just worried that this isn't going to live up to all the expectations I'd had for it.

<3 o.

Monday, June 16, 2008

A Child's Touch

Bowling is not really something I am good at. But Han loves it, so I decided, "Hey, why not give it a try?" Our school gave out little cards that let you get one game a day free all summer, so I figured I might as well put it to use.

A little bit of information about me: When I am not good at something, I get very, very upset. If someone tries to make me feel better, I get more upset, because that means that I'm noticably bad. So for a long time, this bowling thing wasn't working out for me.

So the other day I was bowling with Han, and there was this family in the lane next to ours and they have this little boy with them. They are using bumpers, so the little boy isn't doing too badly. He always rolls the ball so slowly. I was not using bumpers, and I was very frustrated because my goal that day was to break 80. I got a gutterball and, clearly upset, went to sit down while Han bowled.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. The little boy was sitting behind me, kind of turned around and hiding behind the back of his seat. He had big eyes. I smiled at him, even though I was upset, and he returned it, then turned back around, but I kept catching him looking at me for the next couple of minutes.

I did better after that, for some reason. :) I remember later in the game, we both bowled at the same time, and he knocked over about half the pins, and when he turned around to walk back, he looked at me and said, "I won!" I told him good job. He was so cute. ^^

I really love little kids. They always make me so happy. Every time I'm out somewhere with Han and I see a little kid, I just have to point them out and grin. We were in McDonalds once when a little girl with blonde ponytails kept looking over her seat at us. She was so adorable! We made faces back and forth at each other throughout the whole meal.

One thing that I think makes children so charming is that they always seem to be so innocent and, well, good. They seem to enjoy cheering people up, and they are good at it.

Some people would argue that children are naturally bad, with an instinct towards bad things. That's probably true. Children can be heartless and mean at times. But that's a human, isn't it? An instinct towards evil, but a conscious towards good. :) A child is an adult before they've been affected by the environment. Depending largely on the environment, a 'child' may end up with an instinct to do good, such as the urge to help someone on the street or help with the community. And some 'children' may grow to be an adult with no conscious, such as a serial killer or the owner of a huge, isolated business. (Nothing agains business owner people, but really, some of them just don't care about people as long as they are making money.)

So I guess children aren't exactly pure, but since they haven't been as affected by the environment as older people, they come off as much purer than older people in many cases. I can't forgive people who hurt children because of that. They are such beautiful little treasures, with no real way to defend themselves, so when I hear about someone having hurt a child, I just fume and fume and fume. I wish people would be more careful about what they say and show to their children, too. I wish their innocence could be better preserved, but the culture that we have, at least here, doesn't allow it to last more than a few years.

Which makes the little kids all the more special to me. :)

<3 o.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Happy Father's Day



My dad and I don't get along very well, for three reasons: We both possess a horrible temper, we are both unreasonable when angry, and we are both tied for 'Most Stubborn Person In The History Of The Planet."

So it shouldn't surprise anyone that it took me approximately forever to find out that I really do love my Dad. Like a lot. But I really do. I'm constantly impressed by his strength, fairness, and love.

My dad is really tough. Even when he's sick or injured, he still manages to get things done. Also, I can honestly tell people, "My dad could beat up your dad." :P He is also a kitten-lover. He doesn't like cats so much as he likes kittens. We did have one cat, though, that he loved, named Big Daddy. Big Daddy was a special cat because he was a tame wild cat. What I mean is, he was a big, tough stray, but when he finally started living with us, he never scratched any of us once, and, unlike a lot of male cats, he was not mean to kittens. In fact, he'd wash them and sleep with them like a mother. Dad and Big Daddy were tight.

So Dad didn't take it too well when two of the neighbor's dogs killed Big Daddy. Dad kept the gun by the door for weeks for the scenario of the dogs coming back, which they only did once, and, unfortunately, Dad forgot where he'd put the bullets.

Big Daddy, unlike any of our other cats, got a padded wooden box to be buried in, and three pine trees planted over and next to him. That was Dad's doing.

That was a long story. It was meant to illustrate Dad's soft side.

One thing I really like about Dad is that he is a very good husband to Mom. I know it is not uncommon for couples to divorce, even multiple times, and I'm very proud that I can say my parents still love each other very much.

I complain about my dad a lot, but I really do appreciate him and all he does. He's a very hard worker and takes very good care of us (which can't be easy with four daughters).

<3 o.

p.s. : The picture is from postsecret.com

Monday, June 2, 2008

Not For Sale

"I am not for sale. You are not for sale. No one should be for sale."

The Not For Sale Campaign [www.notforsalecampaign.org] is a group of people, any and all people, fighting human trafficking and the global slave trade.

On the website, you can find ways of helping to fight the slave trade, information on how the human trafficking industry is flourishing, updates on what people are already doing, descriptions of the lives of those in bondage, and a store that sells jewelry and t-shirts made by the abolitionist groups and books written by no-longer-enslaved people.

I read some of the blog entries about people, especially children, who had been abducted, sold, or tricked into slavery, and it absolutely tore my heart to pieces. I have a very, very soft spot in my heart for mistreated and hurting children, so discovering so much suffering on such a level was a real heart-wrenching thing for me.

Something that really got me was that this isn't just happening in far-away places like Cambodia, Myanmar, and Thailand, but even in countries like New Zealand, Canada, and the U.S. In fact, Craigslist.com, which is popularly used to find garage sales, is in fact becoming a larger and larger part of the slave trade industry, yet they seem to be doing little to nothing about it.

So now my feelings for this have grown beyond sorrow and longing to help children and women in distant lands to a fear of this becoming a threat to me in my own home.

Please visit NotForSaleCampaign.org and learn more about this tragedy. If you can, do something. Spread the word, make a donation, go on a trip, read a book. Do anything you can, even if it's very small, because something has to be done. "If something has to be done, do something. Even if you don't know what to do, don't just do nothing." Nothing is beneficial enough to justify an industry of human suffering. I hope that this campaign can grow until it really does wipe out the global slave trade.

<3 o.