On To Square Two!

The list of things that need to get done just grows and grows and grows... even during the summer! It seems that every time I accomplish something, there is a new thing (or two) waiting to take it's place. For example...

Accomplishment: I finally arrange a time to take senior pictures.
Setback: It rains.

Accomplishment: I get my bed moved. (No easy feat, since it was on top of 5' shelves and bolted to the wall.)
Setback: Han goes to the E.R. for the infection in his leg and has to stay overnight and get surgery.

Accomplishment: I arrange another time to take senior pictures.
Setback: I remember that I promised Grandma I'd go on this church trip with her... on the date I wanted to take senior pictures.

But! I think I have finally made an accomplishment with no setback! Tonight, I finally finished the angel drawing for the contest at a nearby cafe. It is due tomorrow, so I am just in time! Here it is.

( Details of her upper half, part of her wings, her harp, her face, and her ribbon/sash can be found here. )

The photography is really bad. My batteries were dying and also the light was not too good. I adjusted the brightness in photoshop because, even with the flash, everything looked gray. The only thing I might change is her mouth, and of course, I still have to sign it.

Also tomorrow, I will get my class schedule and (hopefully) Han's and Elsa's as well, which means that (hopefully) we can synchronize any inconsistencies... like lunch. It may be a little bit too optimistic to think that we can work out all the scheduling conflicts in one day, but I am going to ignore that for the time being. If all goes well, we will get it sorted out, and then I will have accomplished at least two things by the end of tomorrow! Hurrah!

...I'm certain I had more to say... but there is a really big bug over there, and it is totally distracting... See? There is always a setback... anything from hospital stays to really big cricket-things.

What square are you on?

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Dream No Small Dreams

...for they have no power to move the hearts of men.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

# 1
I don't know if there is anything that would be more fun that working in Disneyland. Being a character, especially Alice, would be a dream come true, but even working with the entertainment and theater, character design, visual developement, or as a photographer would do the trick. It would be perfect if, during college, when I am apart from my friends, I could take a summer to go with Elsa and Han to live in California and work in Disneyland. And why not? Save up for a year or two, get a van or a truck, and rent a house. We can build ramps for Elsa, and if she's uncomfortable with us helping her with personal things, we can always hire a nurse (provided that we either save up enough or our parents would be willing to chip in). The hardest part, I think, would be guaranteeing ourselves a job in Disneyland. There are college programs, though, and we could always take advantage of that.

# 2
I would like a career that revolves largely around children and teenagers, possibly with some involvement in art as well. As far as children go, I wouldn't mind being a social case worker... I know that they are often fought against and disliked for taking children out of their homes, but I have seen too many children left in homes that were unsuitable, and someone has to do it. Pain that is inflicted on children is my least favorite kind, because children are so unable to defend themselves against it. I also would "enjoy" doing therapy with children from abusive homes, troubled youth, or people with personality/emotional disorders. Particularly when it comes to teenagers, my heart breaks for those who have such a loss of hope as to attempt suicide. I have a strangely strong desire to prevent it. As for the art, I think it would be great to do art therapy, or even make advances in that field (as it is fairly new), but if not, then I'll just do it on the side.

# 3
How long have I wanted to write a book? Several years. Writing seems to come naturally to me, based on teachers' comments and how easy it is for me to come up with stories. The real challenge is completing anything. Someday, I will write a book, maybe more than one. I can only hope that it will be good enough to be well-known and well-liked.

# 4
Of all the hurting people that I can think of, my heart goes out to two kinds in particular: Depressed teenagers (See # 2) and enslaved women and children. For a while now I have desperately wanted to go on some kind of trip to help somehow with the slave trade issue. I don't know how one goes about actually getting people out of slavery, but I would be much, much more than happy to help freed slaves develope the skills they need to build a life for themselves, whether it means reading/writing or an art form. I don't know if I can think of any other experience that sounds that gratifying.

# 5
I don't know how I feel about actually giving birth to a child. I am not very big and I am somewhat weak, but I still desperately want children, and I think that with my feelings for children born into bad environments, adoption seems like a good plan. I want to design and build a large house with my husband, with a really nice garden (on the roof, maybe?) and provide a good environment for children. I am scared half to death with the idea of not being able to raise a daughter or son correctly (a.k.a., my daughter sleeps around or my son is abusive), but I am too thrilled with the idea of providing a happy childhood to a child who would not have normally had one to let that hinder me... too much.

# 6
If there is ever a cure found for Elsa's condition, I'll be the first to help pay for it. And, as unlikely as it would ever be, if I ever find myself in the position to fund a large amount of research, it will be for her. I certainly can't imagine myself in her position, I'd be spiteful half the time and catatonic the other half, and it must be very difficult for her to keep cheerful sometimes.

# 7
To me, this seems more far-fetched than the last one, but I would really like to be known, at least a little, for my art. I don't know how one would go about doing that, but I can only hope that I will figure that out, as well as find the time and concentration to finish my "art" more often.

# 8
I want a big, beautiful wedding to share with the most perfect man ever. *coughHancough* It will be the most beautiful wedding that anyone has ever seen. The music will be perfect, the atmosphere will be perfect, the decor will be pure, elegant, and still unique. It's my only chance for a fairy tale, and I intend for it to be one. I'll design my own dress (and I will be a princess), I'll have a beautiful ice cream cake (complete with roses), and my ring will be simple, but graceful, with one (very, very shiny) diamond. Everything will just be... perfect. (Beware to anyone who tries to mess it up...)

<3 o.

Down the Rabbit-Hole: The Slump of the Century

I cannot focus these last few days. I mostly walk around the house deciding to do various things, and then I spend approximately 30 seconds on each activity before I become bored or confused. A few nights ago, I actually forgot how to walk up the stairs mid-step. I paused with my foot in air, and all I could think was, "Where is the next step? I don't remember where the step is." I have been getting frustrated much more easily than normal, partially because I can't focus on one thing at at time and I get overwhelmed so quickly.

The only thing that has been able to hold my attention is Alice in Wonderland. Most people know that I constantly find myself wrapped up in "enthusiasms." It's no secret that I frequently become obsessed with different things, but Alice in Wonderland is the one that I seem to return to over and over again... I don't believe I shall ever become bored with Alice.

Everything to do with Alice in Wonderland, I love. In addition to the original books by Lewis Carroll (which I am currently reading), I am also enchanted with the Looking Glass Wars (which I shall read again soon). I have yet to see all the Alice in Wonderland movies (there are so many!), but my favorite thus far is the live action one made in 1985--It stays so true to the books, and the music is just phenomenal!

This recent bout of Wonderlove (a word I just made up) was inspired mostly by eatting breakfast with Alice and Mad Hatter in Disneyworld. However, this not only re-opened my love for Alice and Wonderland, it also introduced to me two new concepts:

1. The Mad Hatter is the most fantastic person in the entire world.

2. Alice in Wonderland isn't just a fantastic fantasy... It is actually within the realm of reality.

After meeting Alice and the Mad Hatter, I couldn't drop it. YouTube aided me in finding various videos of the two characters, mostly in Disneyland, and for the first time, it is possible that one of my enthusiasms could actually pervade my life in reality. Alice and Mad Hatter exist in Disneyland--I could exist in Disneyland as Alice. That is not beyond possibility.

Every since I first saw the 1985 Alice in Wonderland, I have wanted desperately to be Alice. Having tea with an insane hat-maker and dancing with white knights in a dark wood seemed delightful pasttimes to me. And now they seem all the more delightful, just by the sheer possibility of their actual occurrence.

On this note, I would also absolutely adore an Alice costume, as well as a Mad Hatter's hat.

Now, did anyone else see that? I have been trying for so very long to come up with something to write about, and as soon as I got onto the subject of Wonderland, I had little to no problem with staying on topic.

There is more I have to say, on a slightly different, but not altogether unrelated topic, but I will save it for later. Possibly later tonight.

<3>
p.s. : Here are two of my favorite Alice and Mad Hatter videos.

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? Oh Wait... No.

It may very well be that nothing I am about ready to type will be worth reading, but Han is sick and Elsa has someone else over, and besides that, talking on the phone may result in being overheard, which would only result in wasted tears, sore throats, and mass chaos.

Dad is driving me freaking nuts. Seriously, he won't shut up. Ever since we got back from vacation, everything is negativity, negativity, negativity. And yeah, okay, I bet I provoked him some, but how can I help myself when he's acting like such a jerk? Only a couple of months ago he was saying that Clara (the bunny) wasn't being played with enough and that I needed to play with her more, and now he wants to put her in the garage? Why doesn't he just skin her and put in a pie? If we put her out there, it's a recipe for sickness and/or death. Bugs and cats get in there and it gets too cold during autumn and winter for her to not freeze to death. And it's not just that, it's everything he's said lately.

He's renovating my two younger sisters' rooms because they haven't been redone since we moved into this house, which is reasonable. I had mine redone a few years ago for my birthday. In addition, Dad's friend's father died a while ago and he left some furniture to my family. Now, in speaking of redoing the two bedrooms, Dad kept talking about "being fair to all three children", but he wants to not only completely re-paint and re-curtain and re-whatever their rooms, he wants to give one of them the furniture, too, which wouldn't be that big a deal except that I love the furniture, and how is that even "fair to all three children"? Okay, I had my room re-painted and everything a few years ago too... but as a birthday present. They are getting theirs redone just... so they can have theirs redone. But somehow, me wanting the old furniture that means nothing to anyone else is such a selfish thing that I deserve to be yelled at and chided for about an hour. I don't get that. I just don't get that. And THEN they said, "Well if you get the furniture, you have to give one of the other girls your room." What? Does someone need to review the definition of fair? Because I really don't see the fairness in that... or how putting my rabbit in the garage or the basement could even possibly be a good idea.

Call me crazy, but I am finding it very hard to believe that either of my parents care about me half as much as any of my sisters. I guess that of the four of us, I would be the "troublemaker", probably the more smart-alecky, rebellious one... but if they didn't bait me so much or completely ignore how I felt, maybe I wouldn't be so angry at them. It's like neither one of them care at all about all the effort I put into school to keep them happy or how admirable it is that I take initiative to do things like church and cleaning on my own (more church than cleaning I guess), and I don't think either of them acknowledge how hard it is for me to sometimes resist such common things as foul language, alcohol, or casual sexual...whatever.

Dad said that the older of my younger sisters deserved the furniture more because she has such low self esteem and not very many friends and it would really help her feel special and all I could think was, "Does this guy really think I have good self esteem? Has he not noticed that aside from Han, I have about 1 and a half friends?" It feels like my feelings are hardly taken into account, if they are at all. Is it any curiousity that I get snappy during conversations like that? Dad really likes the phrase, "I'm the parent, I'm in charge."

Well I'm the incredibly sensitive, distraught, somewhat emotionally-neglected daughter, so it'd be really appreciated if he'd shut up for like thirty seconds and take into consideration that I really am old enough to move out when I want. How seriously I would consider doing that would depend on any job that I get and how stressful school is once it starts. But let's look at it this way: If I move out, they will not help pay for college. However, I don't plan on going to an expensive college, and they weren't going to pay for all of it, probably only about four thousand a year. Which is a lot, but with the right job, I could pull it off. And even if I couldn't work enough during high school to pay rent at an apartment, as well as for food, Clara, and a car, which I guess it's pretty likely I couldn't, Han's family likes me and they have an extra bed. That would tick off Mom and Dad, but hey, if I'm not living with them and they aren't helping with college anyway, I really don't care. I could sleep in their spare room, pay for my own food and for Clara, and Han and I could both make insurance payments on the blue car. Sounds like a plan to me. More than likely a plan that I will never execute... but let's wait until I get a steady job to decide for sure.

I guess I've talked mostly about Dad so far. Mom hasn't really done anything except that she doesn't really seem to care how any of this makes me feel and she's not being all that objective. She always gets really angry if I say anything against Dad. Love is blind, I guess. I'm less angry at Mom than at Dad, for sure. If I accuse Mom of being uncaring, she is hurt, and I feel bad, because I know I was wrong. If I accuse Dad of not caring, he just gets angry... which pretty much just tells me that I was right. Still, back to Mom, I'm all about that phrase that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, and if Mom's not going to try to help me at all, then she's only making it worse.

I'd really like to just not leave my room all day tomorrow. Maybe I'll take some cereal and a pitcher of water upstairs tonight and lock my door tomorrow morning.

Except I really like using the computer.

I am just so angry right now. Like I said, probably this was not worth taking the time to read, but I was really more considered with keeping my brain between my ears than entertaining anyone.

I wish Han wasn't sick. I also wish that I cared about my parents as much as they seem to care about me. That is to say, hardly at all at the time being. Then I wouldn't feel bad about moving out. I really don't want to be here. At all. I wish I had a friend's house that I could just go to whenever I was having a bad time at home, but, oh wait... I don't. And besides that, I don't have a car. Emily got a car when she turned 16... but when I turned 16, Mom and Dad bought a new car... for them.

Mom and Dad are good people. But I am really just not feeling the fairness or the love right now.

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Nobody Wants To Be Thought Of As Perfect.

It's not a compliment.
-Dad

People, despite desperately wanting to be perfect... don't like perfect people. And people don't like to be considered perfect, either. At least not usually.

People that are considered perfect are annoying. Even though they aren't really perfect, they are better than us, and whether they acknowledge it or not, it's a problem. If they act as though they are better than us, we consider them show-offs or goody-two-shoes. If they don't, we think they are inappreciative or, for some reason, patronizing.

For people who aren't perfect, which is really everybody, it is really a pain when others think that you are perfect. Your own problems are ignored and laughed at because, hey, you don't have any problems! In fact, people that are considered perfect have problems, and they are magnified when people refuse to acknowledge them. If you can think of a time when you needed help with something and recieved it, can you imagine what it would have been like to be laughed at or disregarded instead of getting the help? It's a very painful thing.

So why do so many people seem obsessed with being perfect? I'll admit that I do it, too. But what is so enviable about "perfect"? Some "perfect" people are idolized from afar, but they are always loved best by the people who know that they are not without their flaws. In addition, if you are considered "perfect" by other people, your concerns will be demeaned and devalued by society. Take a look at all those "smart" kids you knew in school. Every time test results came back, what were they doing? They were anxiously awaiting to find out if they were still "smart" or if their efforts weren't good enough to meet standard. And what was going on around them? "What are you worried about? You ALWAYS get an A!" comes from every direction, and not usually in what you would call a reassuring tone.

Just because someone's problems seem illegitimate to you does not mean that you should disregard or mock someone's feelings. (And let's keep in mind... the fear of a low grade is worse for a "smart" kid than many others, because it is a bigger deal for them.)

Fears and concerns are not meant to be mocked or laughed at, then are meant to be solved, comforted, soothed, and reassured. Yes, even the problems of "perfect" people deserve attention, because even if you think they are unfounded... they are still there, and they are still real for that person.

People would do better to keep that in mind when they are dealing with someone they consider to be perfect... as well as when they are wishing that they were. When one is occupied by wishes of perfection, they should think of the "perfect student" and how they were treated... and remember that it's not all it's cracked up to be. (And that the people who act like perfection is such a big deal are inperfect themselves... and how would they know?)

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School Days

...are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence.
-Henry Louis Mencken

School is only a few weeks away--much too soon for the comfort of my sanity.

I don't like school. I don't like it one bit. I don't like the people, I don't like the assignments, I don't like the timing, and I often don't like the teachers. I don't like the conventionalism, I don't like the lack of emotion, and I don't like the tests. I especially don't like all of the dislike that everyone has for everything that school involves.

I know what the beginning of school means. It means the end of summer! It means day after day spent in classes with teachers who don't care about me teaching me things that I don't care about! It also means spending too much of my time with people who see me as "That Smart Kid" or "That Weird Girl"! (Well excuse me for not having indiscriminant breeding at the top of my priority list!) It means the end of justice, humanity, and sleep as the world knows it!

Senior Year is the year that every high school student dreams of, and I can see why: The end of Senior Year marks the end of your life in a small town full of small minds. It is the end of four years of repetitive hallways. It is the beginning of true independence.

But Senior Year is still a year of high school. It will have all the same challenges and frustrations--as well as all the same joys and laughter. It will even have some new ones. (People who forget this are people who catch "Senioritis". It is commonly believed that all Seniors catch this, but it is my opinion that there are a select few, such as myself, that suffer so badly from "Academic Honors" that in order for them also have symptoms of "Senioritis" they probably have some kind of Multiple Personality Disorder... which in all honesty is probably a much bigger problem either educational disease.)

And really, what is so exciting about starting college? You lose all consistency and familiarity with your surroundings, and all of your friends are too far away to help. You have to make new friends (which I am not good at) and you have to actually be responsible... for everything.

Many Seniors (as a symptom of "Senioritis") decide that Senior Year and what happens during it are of the least importance, because it is the last year. The opposite is true. Senior Year and what happens during it are of the MOST importance because it is the last year.

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In The Words Of Worldman: Tickled

Since I have began my blog, there have been a couple of people who have actively followed me and left me comments and encouragement: Peter (Worldman) and Anji. (They are both on the list of Things You Should Click On, which I just figured out how to add.)

I would like to apologize to them, because I am not as good at being active like they are. Every time I recieve a comment from them, I feel like I have recieved a prize, because I know that I leave very few comments. I want them to know that even though I don't comment very often, I do enjoy reading their blogs very much. :)

In addition, I think they both deserve a giant thank-you, and especially Peter, who has been trying so hard to get more traffic to my blog. Peter has done me the great honor of awarding me the "Arte y Pico" award for blogs. I am tickled! Unfortunately, I don't think I know five people to award it to, so I'm going to have to put it on hold, but I will send it on. :)

I will update again soon, and I will be on the look-out for lovely blogs. :D

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Emily

Emily is my big sister. For most people that I talk about here, I change their names, but I just cannot change Emily's, because it is too perfect for her.

Emily and I look almost exactly alike. One time, I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and someone Emily knew from school saw me and thought I was her. When I told him that I was actually his sister, he said, "...I didn't know Emily had a twin..." Even people at our church confuse us. Emily has about shoulder-length hair, and I'm infamous for my elbow length hair, and one day, a woman at church saw Emily and stopped her, exclaiming, "You cut all your hair!" Well, no, she hadn't.

I always used to hate that everyone told me I looked like Emily, but eventually, I was kind of happy that they did. I liked it that I was like Emily. Her nickname was Emmo, and for a while, I called myself "Lil Emmo" or sometimes "Lil Emo" (sometimes we had to shorten Emmo to Emo for video games or something, and it was also a common place of discussion for her friends as to whether or not Emily was Emo).

I don't think I could ever admit it to Emily, but she's probably the closest thing I have to a role model. I have learned so much from her without her knowing it. I guess that's kind of common for sisters, but Emily and I aren't very close, so it came as almost a shock to me when I realized that I take after her.

I always enjoy being around Emily (except when she's mad at me) because she's almost always so funny, so I try to behave a lot like her so my friends will enjoy being around me just as much.

I also try to dress like her. I used to think that the way Emily dressed was 'cool', but I have sinced learned that it wasn't really the in-style way to dress, it was just cute and unique.

One of the biggest thing I admire about Emily is probably... well I don't if there's a name for it. It's that when she has decided on something, she doesn't change. She knows what is right and wrong and she acts accordingly. She knows what she wants in a guy, and she won't date anyone but. She is hard-working and firm, without being overly intense or just flat-out stubborn, which is what I tend to be.

Emily has taught me several things, but there is one that stands out.

I had always thought of Emily has the perfect A student sister with the nicest friends and everything working out great for her. And at the point in time when she was applying to and starting college, she wasn't all that nice to me, or at least I didn't think she was. So I complained endlessly about her not knowing what her major would be or what she wanted to do (she didn't decide for years), mostly because Mom and Dad were helping to pay for a lot of the college, and I thought the money could be better spent sending me to a different school.

Well, everyone has a secret that, in some way or another, will probably break your heart.

I'm pretty sure my heart broke when, after she'd moved out, I was looking through all her old papers and found a journal entry about how she felt different and inferior to her friends and how confused she was about what to do with school. (I'm sorry that I was going through your stuff, Emily! Even though you will never read ths...) Well, I pretty much felt like a huge jerk.

Emily is just full of surprises. Another example of this is that Emiy never really had a boyfriend, and I thought it was because that's the way she wanted it. I remember coming home one day and Emily was at the counter eatting forkfuls of cookie dough and looking completely dejected. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that this boy she had liked "wasn't in love with her." I asked her if we had wanted him to be, and she said, "Well, yeah." Long story short, Emily was completely crushed that he liked this other girl and not her and that she had even confessed her feelings, and I agreed to run the other girl over with the truck.

To finish up, I think Emily is one of the greatest people in the world. Even though we are almost identical, she is way prettier than me. She is also considerate and fun-loving, and definitely one-of-a-kind! She is so smart and hard-working and dedicated, but somehow she still manages to be relaxed and funny. She has really worthy goals and I think she is pretty much as perfect as big sisters come.

I don't know anyone who doesn't like Emily, but if I ever anyone who didn't, I think I'd have to shove a pencil up their nose.

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Oh, It's A Jolly Holiday With Mary!

So, on the approximately 15-hour drive here, I was listening to my iPod in the back and my sisters had the computer out in the seats in front of me watching Disney's Mary Poppins. I wasn't really in the mood for movie-watching, but I hadn't seen Mary Poppins in a while, and I really like it, so I paused my iPod to watch it for a little bit.

It occurred to me how much Bert (Mary Poppin's sort-of boyfriend) is like Han--they are both absolutely smitten about their girl, brag on her, like to be funny, and will do anything to be entertaining--especially for their girl.

Only, I'm not like Mary Poppins, and in no way do I deserve someone like Bert. I am not nearly as pretty or witty as Mary Poppins, but that's not the point. The point is that I am not as fun-loving or lovable as Mary Poppins.

So have I ever mentioned before that I don't feel like I deserve Han? I'm certain I have, but it has been bothering me so much lately.

No. What bothers me the most is not that I feel like I don't deserve him, it's the fear that he'll realize it.

We went to the doctor recently to get me some medication for my migraines. Before, there was nothing they could give me that would work because I was under 18. I now have two medications--one for the small, daily headaches and one for the really big monster migraines. The one for my small headaches is usually used as an anti-anxiety medication, and fixing headaches is just kind of a side job. But I'm hoping that since it's also an anti-anxiety medicine, maybe it will make me more relaxed and fun to be around. :) Here's hoping!

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