Friday, July 31, 2009
Set To Self-Destruct In 10, 9, 8...
A lot has happened, but really, it's too much for me to just tell you. You'll pick up on most of it as I continue to write.
Lately, my self-destructive tendencies have been really agitating me. It's difficult to look at my arms without experiencing urges to mutilate them. It's even worse to work with razors at the jobs I work at, and not be able to use them for what I want.
The other day, I was talking to one of AOK's exes, who claims that right up until the Monday after we started dating, had been talking about getting back together with her. This was agitating, because he'd always told me that they were just friends now, and he had been saying that he loved me for at least a month. I was torn - should I call and try to talk to him about this, or just dump him?
I ended up just texting him and telling him that we were done, which was unwise, and there were two main factors that contributed to this decision:
1. He wasn't answering his phone. Which didn't matter, I could have waited until morning.
2. I kept thinking that if I broke up with him, I would be able to cut without feeling guilty, because he's the only person I feel morally obligated to tell when I do something like that, and he hates it.
Long story short, the next morning, when he got my text, he called me, practically in tears, denied part of what his ex said, and apologized for the rest. It's my belief that everyone deserves a second chance - but not everyone deserves a third. I'm just sorry he had to use his second one so soon.
But lately, another one of my friends has gone kind of loco. Very few people know about his problem with depression, and I am one of those few. I try so hard to cheer him up, to encourage him, to be there when he needs it, but last night he confessed that he had planned on going to bed with a bag tied over his head. We talked for a long time. I eventually got him to promise not to hurt himself that night, but until that point, I was panicking. It scared me so bad. Of course, I was frightened of losing a friend, and upset that he would hurt himself, but I was also frightened for another reason. I knew that, at that point, if anything happened to him, it was because I hadn't been able to prevent it.
So, I feel like I can relate to AOK's feelings regarding my self-destructive habits. It must be terrifying, not only to know that someone you care about hates themselves so much, but also to feel somewhat responsible for their well-being.
<3 o.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Long Time, No See
I had a good day. I went shopping with my little sister, we bought some hair accessories and the first season of Pushing Daisies (more on Pushing Daisies later), and then we were going to go see the play at my high school together. We were taking my friend Brain with me. So we were on our way. We got there. I was feeling a little antsy because I wasn't sure if I really wanted to go to the play, but it was too late.
So then we got in there and I saw Han. I despise Han. With every fiber in my being. You of all people should know that.
And I got shaky and my mind wouldn't go straight. I didn't like it. I left, telling my sister and friend I'd be back. Well, I didn't come back. I sent nasty, awful, hateful texts to AOK, and I cried, and I went to the cemetery and cut up my side pretty bad.
I went back to the school, thinking I'd be okay. But Han was sitting in the row right by the door and I saw him and went outside again. I texted another friend, telling her that I needed to see her right away, but she didn't get it; her phone was off. So I went to my car, feeling hurt and angry for no real reason. I felt VERY guilty for having cut my side.
And I thought, "Toredol." I don't know why. So I took a few. Then a few more. Then a few more. I texted AOK telling him what I just did, half with the intention of getting help and half with the intention of getting back at him for I-Don't-Know-What. Well, my friend called me back soon, and I told her what happened and she took me to Mom.
In the E.R., I felt even worse. I had to drink a bottle of charcoal - worst thing ever to drink, I swear. Mom looked so stressed and Dad looked a forced kind of passive. I had to wonder if he was thinking about his sister's suicide attempts from when they were younger. The doctor didn't believe a word I said about there not having been a cause. Honestly, the doctor was a moron.
So I went to a "Behavior Health Unit" for a few days. It wasn't horrible. I'll tell you, the worst part was having no pencil in my room! We had to be in our rooms at 10 every night, and I couldn't have a pencil with me because I was self-destructive.
The nut house is full of interesting people. It really is. And did you know that there was not a single puzzle there without missing pieces?
Well, I got to leave. And I was so happy about that. But life isn't back to normal yet. I was watching Pushing Daisies with my same little sister recently, and had to leave to do something. When I was late, she called me several times, saying she wanted me to come home, she wanted me to come home. I felt so bad. I got home as soon as I could.
Not to mention the whole school knows a completely altered version of the real events. Han has been telling people that I did it because he wouldn't go back out with me, the little rodent. As if I'd want to. Does anyone here see any reason for me to date that frog? Well, if you do, tough luck, because I disagree!
There are more updates to come, I promise. I just need to get back on the wagon here.
I'm sorry, and I love you.
<3>
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I Wasn't But I Might As Well Have Been
Even right now, I can't write what I want to. My mind is a mess. It's like someone ransacked it.
Last night I went to T.H. with my cousin. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her before, so we'll call her Stretch. Well, first we went to eat at Fazoli's, which was fun. We both drank a lot of coke, so by the end of the night we really needed to use the bathroom. We decided to get refills then use the bathroom, so we were filling our drinks, when Stretch got too much and spilled it, and it went all over her arm and the counter. For some reason, I found this hilariously funny. We cleaned it up, and she got more coke, and then spilled it again. We both cracked up, and only laughed harder when a nearby onlooker stated, "Looks like someone couldn't handle the drinks tonight." Stretch said that she had to pee and asked me to handle the coke and then left. I could have been annoyed - that was a lot of coke - but for some reason, I just couldn't stop LAUGHING. That basically kept up the whole night.
And then I sent AOK "drunk texts." I don't even know why. Seriously. Why would a person do that? Honestly, they weren't supposed to look as drunk as they did. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing. I was so out of it and I couldn't stop laughing and I was talking to Stretch at the same time. Seriously, I have no idea what I was doing last night. I just remember freaking out all night. I mean, I was just all over the place. And I have no idea why or what I was doing.
I barely do my homework anymore. That's really not good. I mean, I look at my homework, and I think, "Eh, it can wait." Yeah. I do that, you know, the morning of the day it's due. I don't remember the last time I did anything before the twenty-four hours in which I was supposed to turn it in.
And I bought myself more crap. What is wrong with me? A CD for a singer that I shouldn't even like and a new bra. In my defense, they were both on sale. But seriously. I didn't need a new bra. And Lady Gaga? Why did I buy that? Practically the whole CD is about sex. Why did I buy that?
I do like a few of the songs.
That's not the point.
But I don't know what the point is exactly anyway. I know I've said all this about feeling out of control before, but it's getting a little scary. And right now I'm alone. I don't want to be alone. I wish I could go see AOK but he's working on a car right now. But I really don't feel safe right now. I'm all panicky and shaky and my mind is racing. I'm also starving. I'm always hungry now. I don't understand.
<3 o.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
True Confessions
So, Elsa. I'm going to write about something I'd prefer you not know about it. And if you continue reading past this point anyway, I won't blame you. But these aren't really things I want you to know.
Now I'm going to insert this miniature paragraph so that she won't catch a glimpse of the confession and get even more curious than she already is. Alright that's enough, I can't think of anything else to type in this little distraction.
Confession One: AOK and I had sex.
I know. I know. I don't even know. I mean... it blows my mind that my brain has deteriorated this much. The worst part is, it was my fault. It was my idea. I don't know why I suggested it or why I did it. He didn't jump for it like some completely selfish jerk, although he didn't need much convincing either.
I don't know why I did it. Part of me is so angry and upset about it. AOK and I aren't strangers by any means, but we certainly aren't emotionally attached to do something like that. And this part of me is so confused, because she doesn't see a point in physical attachment without emotional attachment, too.
And then this other part of me doesn't regret it. Firstly, I think it makes what Han did seem less important. Kind of like saying, "See? It's no big deal. People do this kind of thing." Which isn't really true. But also, it's almost like this part of me knows that it's damaging, and is glad. I don't understand that. But whenever Alice thinks, "Why do that? It's going to be painful later. It's going to be bad," then Judith thinks, "Exactly."
And I know that AOK regrets it. Well, he says he doesn't regret it. But he says he shouldn't have done that and we won't do it again. He doesn't care what we do as long as we don't have sex.
Confession Two: I started cutting myself.
What the freaking crap? I think I've spoken before on how I feel about self-mutilation. I hate the idea. I've been so determined for so long to never, ever hurt myself like that.
So what drove me to this? I have no idea. I can't even remember why I did it the first time, which was a few weeks ago. It was just a few scratches. I was frustrated and lonely and confused, and I guess I thought I deserved it.
After that, I would let them heal, but once they weren't red anymore, I got restless. It bothered me when my wrists were normal. I felt like there should be cuts or scratches there. So every time they were nearly healed, I'd do it again.
Well, AOK found out. I went to his house one day, and I was carrying a watch to keep track of the time. While we were talking, he took my watch and started to put it on my arm, and pulled my sleeve back to do it. He wasn't happy. He kept rubbing my wrists with his thumbs and saying, "Damn, girl." He made me promise to stop.
I did it once after that. And the morning after I broke the promise to him, I was so upset with myself. My skin was burning and I felt absolutely horrible for causing myself injury and for breaking that promise. I went to AOK's house before school in near-tears. I told him I wouldn't come see him anymore and I wouldn't talk to him and that he needed to stay away from me. I asked him if he could really care about someone who could break that kind of promise. I asked if he really wanted to watch someone he cared about tear herself apart like that.
He told me that I had better not stop being his friend like I said that I was going to. I told him that it was what would be best for him. "Don't make my decisions for me. I'll decide what's best for me, and right now, I'm deciding it's for you to see me. If I change my mind, I'll let you know. If this is a mistake, it's the best one I've ever made," is what he said.
Mom, Dad, and my psychologist all know. And maybe my psychiatrist. I think Mom and Dad talked to my psychiatrist. Mom and Dad also know that AOK is the only friend of mine who knows and who I'm comfortable knowing. This doesn't matter much to them, but my psychologist and psychiatrist think that Mom and Dad both need to back off and let me make my decisions where AOK is concerned instead of banning me from seeing him.
But honestly. I'm freaking out. I mean I'm really freaking out. In the past couple of weeks, I've done two things that I promised myself and others that I would never do, and part of me still wants to do them. A big part of me. I'm really, really confused.
<3 o.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Me, Myself, And o.
And then there's Alice. No connection to Alice of Wonderland, surprisingly enough. I don't know why she's called Alice. But she's quiet and passive and easily scared. She doesn't care about getting things her way - in fact, she doesn't even have a way to get them. She is completely dependent on Judith in many aspects, which is ironic because Judith does things purely to torment Alice a lot of the time.
Judith doesn't see the point in being emotionally involved with someone you are physically involved with. Alice doesn't see the point in being physically involved with someone that you aren't emotionally involved with.
So AOK is causing both of them some trouble. Because he is too emotionally attached for Judith's comfort and not emotionally attached enough for Alice's. Judith can deal with this, however, because it's driving Alice mad. So Judith is just getting dirty and dragging Alice through the mud with her.
And Cathy is over there in the corner, thinking about what idiots the two of them are for being involved with anyone at all in any way. Alice likes being close to AOK, and Judith likes being close to AOK. Cathy wishes he'd stop talking to and touching her. Just leave her alone, you disgusting, filthy male.
And as for me? Well, I guess Little o. would mostly like to just disappear. And it would kind of appear that she's starting to do just that.
I really don't understand this. I really feel like I have distinctly different moods with different thinking patterns and tendencies. Like a setting or a mode that can be changed. And it really freaks me out that they have names. Or that I named them. Or whatever. I often feel in a Judith mode - basically destructive, and not really thinking about the consequences of most of my actions. Unless they are bad consequences. Which are kind of encouraging. Which is kind of bad.
<3 o.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The Chaotic Void
Have you ever noticed that as soon as you get one problem fixed, another one is ready and willing to takes its place? And how is that even fair? Let's not talk about it.
But after I buy it, I immediately regret it. I don't need whatever I just bought. And the money I spent on what I don't need could have been spent on something else. For someone else.
I adore buying things for other people. Whenever I buy something for myself, all I can think about is what I could have bought for someone else with that same money. And then it's very hard for me to enjoy whatever it is I just bought.
I am thinking about this because tonight I bought myself some new underwear (because who doesn't feel better when they know that they're wearing cute underwear?) and a couple of dresses that were on sale for $5 each. I spent about $20 altogether. Which, comparatively speaking, isn't much. I mean, most shirts are like $15, and most people spend WAY more on themselves than that when they buy something. But all I can think is, "I could have bought this book for my sister. I could have bought this card for AOK. I could have bought this movie for Elsa." It's frustrating.
Man I feel like crap. I don't even know why I feel like crap. I have random, strong urges to do myself injury. Not necessarily physical injury, either. I just get these urges to hurt myself, or to do things that I know will be detrimental to my emotional stability. I'm getting impulsive and careless, and it scares me.
Case in point: I forgot to go to class the other day. I completely skipped fifth hour. I went from fourth hour to sixth hour. And I didn't even realize I'd missed fifth hour until five minutes before it was over. In addition, I am getting to school late. Late. Me! And I'm procrastinating even more than usually. Which is hard to pull off. And mostly results in things not getting done ever.
Something else to worry about: My therapist wants me to get an examination because of what happened with Han, to make sure everything is alright physically. This is fine by me, except for trying to get to the doctor without Mom and/or Dad knowing where I'm going. They are very strict about knowing where I am and what I'm doing at all times. I hate to miss more school, but I already have to take finals, so I'll probably just have to schedule the appointment during school and get a doctor's note for the attendance. But it is still stressing me out.
Okay I'm going to start talking about what I was talking about earlier again. Impulsive. Careless. Self-destructive.
I read a book once called The Thirteenth Tale.
It's a really good book. In it, there are two twins: Adeline and Emmeline. They're interesting girls. Adeline is violent and dominant, while Emmeline is submissive and quiet. Adeline constantly attacks Emmeline and will do things just to make life harder for her twin. Emmeline bears all of Adeline's abuse and does everything she can to help her sister despite it.
That's what I feel like I'm doing. I feel like I'm attacking myself and I'm just sitting there taking it, and even trying to make myself happy despite the fact that I'm abusive to myself. What? Okay so that makes no sense. See the confusion?
<3 o.
p.s. : The image is from postsecret. Duh.
p.p.s. : Did you notice how unorganized this post was? That's how my brain is all the time anymore. Nothing is every organized. Everything is scattered all over the place, like a book that's had its pages torn out by a poorly disciplined child. Ugh.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Celebrating 101 Posts And More
But big deal. There are more important things than having 101 posts on your blog. Like you guys. Anji and Worldman are two of the most encouraging people I know - I feel so blessed to have them reading my blog. :] They comment all the time, even though I am a comment slacker. And a few other people have commented recently, on posts that gave away my strong need for encouragement. I'll admit, I don't know who those people are, but their words, and just the fact that they took time to write those words, made me feel so much better.
All this trouble with Han is overwhelming, but through it I've realized how many people I have to be thankful for. I have some cheerleader friends that I haven't seen much of lately, but I recently realized how much I love and miss them. A few days ago, Han made me cry and I went to find one of them that I see daily. I couldn't find her, but another of my friends saw me and asked what was wrong. Before I knew it, all four of my cheerbuddies were hugging me and telling me that I'd be okay, they'd make it okay, they were going to show him what's up. I never thought in all my life I'd be so happy to be surrounded by cheerleaders.
I'm even thankful for people that I've met through Han, such as AOK. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him before or not, or if I changed his name. AOK is Han's best friend. When I first got to know him, I thought he was a real jerk, but it turns out, I was really wrong. When Han first started acting strangely, I called AOK to find out if anything was up that I should know about. We started talking regularly. I mostly talked about Han and he mostly would get my mind off of it. It was a good system. :] Well, eventually I started to feel bad for burdening him, and talking to him so much, seeing as he had a girlfriend, so I stopped calling him. After a couple of weeks of silence, he texted me on my mom's cell phone and told me that no matter what was happening with Han and I, he was still my friend and I could still talk to him if I needed to. He's also a complete sweetheart. He can tell when I'm down, and he knows how to cheer me up. He reminds me constantly that I don't need Han, even though it feels like it, and that I'm a beautiful, wonderful girl. What I wanna know is how a jerk like Han can be close friends with someone like AOK?
I'm now also friends again with one of my dearest cousins that had a falling out with me years back. Turns out we still both care about each other a lot, and have some problems that I think we can help each other with. And another friend that I haven't seen recently can really relate to my depression very well. I've missed her since she's graduated, and I hope I can start to see her more often. I forgot how supportive and loving she is.
And another guy from my church has been a complete sweetheart. He's always willing to talk to me when I am desperate to have company. I believe I've mentioned him before, but I can't remember what name I gave him, so I'll have to check on that. And a friend of Elsa's has also become a close friend. Last night we had a long, serious talk, and it turns out that we have a lot in common. We kept each other company this morning, since we were both having V-Day Blues.
With all these wonderful people around me, how can I be unhappy about the loss of Han? After all, some of these friendships wouldn't even have been brought to existance without Han. Some of them would never have gotten as strong as they are if he hadn't put me through what he did.
So I'm still upset about Han. But I have a lot of blessings, too. And I should try harder to celebrate all my amazing, supportive friends, instead of mourning the loss of one self-centered jerk.
<3 o.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Good Reasons
1. Rape
Yeah. I bet you weren't expecting to see that. Well, guess what? You saw it, and, yup, you saw it right, and you are officially sworn to secrecy. I never mentioned it before because it was too confusing and upsetting. But here's the thing: Yes, it's sex even if no one orgasms. Yes, it's rape even if the girl doesn't physically fight him. If she's repeatedly saying, "no," and he is repeatedly responding with, "yes," and does what he wants regardless - pretty sure it is rape. I wasn't sure before. I'm sure now. And I'm not just sure - I'm ticked.
2. All-Around General Horniness To The Extreme
I know guys are horny. And it can't be helped. But that's why I included 'to the extreme.' Seriously. I mean, who doesn't enjoy a good dirty joke every once in a while? But when that becomes your entire sense of humor, it isn't funny. It's annoying. And kind of gross. And you know what? When someone is crying while talking to you, that's the wrong time to tell her that you are horny for her. It just is. (See 5.) Maybe that's why he's been so mean lately - seeing me cry turns him on. (By the way, that's a little thing I like to call sarcasm.)
3. Dishonesty
He lied about just about everything. Yup, Han is a liar. I always knew that, but until the last few months, it was only about little things, like he had beaten a certain video game or owned a certain movie. You know, just things that he thought made him look cooler than he was - even though he was 100% cool at that point in time. But now it's out of control. Lying about seeing Cheer behind my back? Not cool. So does he love me? Does he not? Did he really get drunk? Who knows? Who cares? There's no way I can any longer believe what he says unless I have proof.
4. Disloyalty
No, he didn't technically "cheat." As far as physically. But he definitely had an emotional affair. He was not loyal. He let his guard down with Cheer, and even if they didn't "do the dirty," there was definitely something going on. After all, they were talking about going out. He kissed her on the cheek. He told her that he could see them together in the future. He lead her and I on at the same time. And I really don't feel like putting up with that.
5. Insensitivity
When a girl - particularly your girlfriend - is crying, you don't tell her to "cut the crap" and then storm off. Unless you want to make the problem worse. This is especially true if your girlfriend is crying about something you did. Some like, say, lying or being disloyal. There's no crap to cut. You did something wrong, it hurt her, and she's upset. You fix it. But did Han do that? No. Because he doesn't care about anything but himself. Today, he flat out said he wasn't upset about us, which as good as saying that he doesn't care about the two years we were happy together. And did he seem bothered when I, in tears, told him that I hated him and wanted him to stay away from me until he could stop acting like a jerk? No, I don't think he was bothered at all. Because he could care less how much he's hurt me.
6. This Entry
Just the fact that I even had to write this entry. This is my 100th entry. I was looking forward to this. I was going to do something fun for this post. You know, celebratory "Yay 100 entries!" post. But this is what's in my brain right now. All of this is inside of me and it needs out. And I am so ticked that he has done so much crap wrong that I had to waste my 100th entry on him. I'm even more ticked that I wasted two years of my life on him.
Reading this list, you really have to wonder where all the material for the last entry came from? That entry was based entirely on my feelings for Han about eight months ago - before he turned into what is described about. I don't miss Han now. I miss Han then. But this is the Han he is now, and I can't want to be with someone like this, and I can't date someone for something they aren't. I mean, let's face it - I love him, and I might always. But I can't put up with this kind of pain, and I shouldn't have to.
<3 o.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
All About Han
That was two days ago. I wasn't buying it. I didn't even let myself cry.
Last night, he asked me to go get a blizzard with him. We did, and I was pretty quiet the whole time. I guess my resolve to be angry with him (despite his sweetness) was starting to weaken, because he could tell I was upset and kept asking what was wrong. By the time we were leaving, I was forcing back tears. I asked him if he had cried either time we broke up, and he said both. I told him that I hadn't cried yet, and when he asked why, I told him that I wouldn't let myself. He then reached over and held my hand and told me that it was alright to cry or talk or do whatever I needed to. A few tears escaped, but I held back most of them. When we got to his house, he said something about not having changed, and I pointed out to him a couple of big things that had changed about him. Han agreed, and told me he was sorry for what he was putting me through, that he knew he shouldn't be and he was sorry. Then he gave me a hug, and told me that he loved me and was going to get better for me. Then he went inside.
I started crying and left for home.
Less than two minutes later, he called the cell phone and told me to come back. Han came outside and looked at me and said, "You cried." "Just a little bit." He touched my cheek, and I said, "They aren't there anymore." He told me they were, that my cheeks were moist. He said it was okay, and told me that I had soft skin, all the while running his fingers along the side of and under my face.
And my heart absolutely melted.
Because I love Han. Everything about him. His smile is so beautiful, and when I see it growing across his face, I can't help but grin myself.
When he sleeps, he looks so sweet and peaceful, I just want to stroke his hair and kiss his face all over. Other times, he snores so loudly it makes me want to laugh and hug him, but it would wake him up.
When he hugs me, I want to just disappear inside his arms, where it's warm and safe. I want to stay there forever. When I see his arms, I want them securely around me.
Some people see fireworks when they kiss. When Han kisses me, I see pure yellow, like a huge blinding light.
When he holds my hand, I can barely keep myself from bringing our hands to my mouth and kissing his. When he kisses my hand, I can't keep from blushing, and I just know that I glow.
When I think about him, my heart beats so much faster. When I am close enough to hear his heartbeat, I want to be able to hear it forever, and I tell him how beautiful it is.
When we're close to each other and I can hear, feel, or see his breath, I hold my breath and I don't let it out until he lets his out. I like the idea of us breathing together.
When he tickles me, I both shriek and laugh like no tomorrow, because no one could make being tickled as much fun as he does. When he massages the back of my head, fingers in my hair, I end up leaning into his hand like a kitten having its chin scratched.
When he looks directly in my eyes, and I can see his irises so perfectly, I can't think of a thing that is more beautiful than his eyes. They are the most perfect, piercing eyes.
When he says he loves me, he has this voice that's full of intensity and desperacy, and when I hear it, it's like someone puts a star in my heart, the way it beats and I can feel my eyes sparkle.
But oh...
When he's angry, how I want to just cower. Not from fear, but to appease.
When he's with other people, I get so nervous. Are there other girls? What kind of influence are the guys there going to be? What are they doing? Why does he refuse to talk to me when he's with those people? What has he said about me? What do they think about me?
When he is short with me, my heart aches. There is a literal ache in my chest and I want to crumple into nothing in a corner at the same time as I want to be held to his side by the arm that lets me know he loves me.
When he is walking away, for whatever reason, I want to tell him to wait, and to come back, and to hold me, and to please not let go of me this time.
When he cries (which I haven't seen happen in a while), oh goodness, I want to hug him and stroke his face and hold his hands and pet his hair all at once. I wish I could kiss away whatever upset him as easily as I could kiss away his tears.
What's a girl to do?
<3 o.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE PHRASE
NAMI:
Major depression is a serious medical illness affecting 15 million American adults, or approximately 5 to 8 percent of the adult population in a given year. Unlike normal emotional experiences of sadness, loss, or passing mood states, major depression is persistent and can significantly interfere with an individual’s thoughts, behavior, mood, activity, and physical health. Among all medical illnesses, major depression is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and many other developed countries.
DEPRESSION.COM:
Depression is not something you can just "snap out of." It's thought to be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals, along with other factors. Like any serious medical condition, depression needs to be treated.
That with more screaming and crying. That's what it feels like.
SO WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND? WHAT?! TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND I WILL LOOK IT UP AND PUT IT INTO UNDERSTANDABLE TERMS FOR YOU.
I do not have control over my feelings.
So, Han, I do not have control over how I feel. For the record, I feel unwanted, unloved, unworthy, unbeautiful, and un-anything-good. And for the record, Han was the only thing that every made me feel wanted, loved, worthy, beautiful, or good. I remember when he said he didn't know what he'd do with out me. I remember when he didn't want to let go of our hugs. I remember when he didn't pull immediately away from a kiss. I remember when he hated to not hold my hand. I remember when he'd hold me if I was crying. I remember when I was something to cherish. I remember when I wasn't a nuisance. I remember when he didn't care what others thought, as long as I was happy. I remember when he never yelled at me. I remember all those things and more.
Why doesn't he remember? Or care? Or whatever?
He says his problem is that I'm not happy. BUT THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME NOT HAPPY. He says the one thing he wants more than anything else in the world is my happiness. But he HAS my happiness... I just wish he'd give some of it to me!
What does he NOT understand? He says I've changed, but I am exactly the same as I was when we met: sad, lonely, hopeless. Only then, he wanted to make me happy. Now he wants nothing to do with me unless I can make myself happy.
What does he NOT understand? Or does he understand and not care?
I can't make anyone happy. I can't make me happy. I can't make my parents happy, I can't make Han happy, I can't even make my rabbit happy. I can't even MAKE ME HAPPY.
I could just die.
<3 o.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Good Morning, Midnight!
On Thursday, I had another concert experience. A few people from my youth group went to a Stellar Kart concert not too far from here. Stellar Kart was good, yes, but what I really enjoyed was the more local opening band, Good Morning Midnight. I loved them before I heard them, just because I loved their name. But I also loved their music. It was lovely, as far as rock goes, and so easy to relate to.
But I am getting ahead of myself. There is a girl in our youth group called Kind. She is tall, thin, and blonde. She's quiet and nice. And she is good friends, of late, with Han. This occurred while I was out of attending youth group. When we got there, he started talking to Kind. This wouldn't normally bother me so much, but for two things: The first is that I'm extremely sensitive lately, more so than before, to his interaction with girls. The second is that his back was rather turned to me, and if it wasn't, they are both so tall that they talk to each other right over me. Then when we were on the bus, he wouldn't let me sit by him. He sat in the two seats in the back, and Kind sat in front of his seats. I sat in front of him and to the side, as there were no back row behind me. I was upset that he'd somewhat ignored me, and also that he wouldn't let me sit by him, and that Kind was closer to him than I was. So I wasn't overly responsive to his little attempts to speak to me. In fact, I faced the window and tried to keep from crying.
Let us pause to examine this need to restrain tears. I've seen my psychologist a couple of times now and the 'diagnosis' is Major Depressive Disorder, which I in no way doubt. Depression or not, though, I'm incredibly sensitive and he knows it. I hate to say this, because it sounds so overdramatic, but this is all considerably due to my feeling completely worthless and inept. And part of that feeling came from the entire Cheer situation. Actually, a lot of it did. That, and his associated hate for any sign of upset from myself. Which was something I couldn't help. Believe me, I tried. I don't think I've every tried harder at anything my entire life. I literally could not keep myself cheerful for any significant length of time, and thusly, I could not keep him happy with me for any significant length of time. Which made me feel like crap, let me tell you.
And that feeling of crap comes up at any time when I feel ignored or unimportant. Which Han doesn't seem to understand. So my moodiness only proved to further agitate him. Which only made me feel increasingly worthless. I didn't even hide it after a while. He reminded me that I was making him look bad and ruining the night, which I hadn't done yet. But since he was going to be upset about me doing something, I figured I might as well do it, so I cried and didn't hide it. Eventually, I forced myself to calm down somewhat. But for some reason, half-way through the concert, I couldn't any more, so I left the concert and went to a back hallway and sat in a window to cry. I didn't think anyone would be there while the concert was going on. One man did walk through, though. An adult man wearing a name landyard walked through and asked if I was okay. My answer was of course an affirmative. Even though of course it shouldn't have been. He asked if he could do anything (a negative) and if i was sure (an affirmative). He told me that if I needed to talk, to let him know. I said okay, even though I had no idea where I'd find him.
And that got me to thinking. My parents are always upset at me when I am unhappy about something they want me to do. Han is always upset at me when I cry for any reason, especially related to him. Everyone is upset at me when I am upset. And this one man that I don't even know is the only one so far who has kindly offered to help without any kind of condemnation. I have only two theories for this:
1. Everyone has their pre-determined ideas of what I should be and what I am capable of. They don't seem to comprehend at all the lack of control I have on my emotions, and maybe they should. And the man who offered to help didn't have those standards already set. He didn't have before and after photos to look at. He didn't see a selfish attention-hungry brat, and he didn't see a pitiful oversensitive nuisance. He just saw a scared and hurting little girl sitting in the corner of the window. It is probably the most obvious thing to see, but no one else seems to look at it that way.
2. Everyone who gets upset at me for my feelings knows how ridiculous they are and how wrong I am for having the feelings I get. They know I'm wrong and messed up and oversensitive and the man that offered to help didn't know me well enough to know that the feelings I had were wrong.
The man left me with those thoughts. And I remember also thinking that Han wouldn't look for me, much less find me, and that he might not even notice if I had left. I didn't really want him to find me at this point, because I knew how upset he would be if he found me crying. But I wanted him to at least look for me.
He did find me. He found me and he hugged me and tried to get me to stop crying and told me he wasn't mad and he was sorry for earlier. All I did was cry more and tell him that I was sorry for ruining the night and that he should go and enjoy the rest of the concert. He did go back to the concert, but made me go with him.
The rest of the concert was good, until the ride home. Everyone had said they wanted to go to McDonalds except our youth pastor, who wanted to go to Burger King. Kind was going to McDonalds. I didn't want to be around Kind. Not then. So I said, "Hey, we should go to Burger King to keep our pastor company." So we went into Burger King, and when the youth pastor came in, guess who was with him? Kind. She had talked the whole night about wanting McDonalds, but as soon as Han and I went to Burger King, what did she suddenly want? This did only bad things to my mood.
Han and I sat by each other on the ride home. He talked to me a little, but he talked to the pastor and to Kind more. The radio was on, and I sang a little, but only to myself. I had my head on his shoulder, and I looked at him a lot, hoping he'd feel my eyes and look back and smile. He didn't really. But it's silly to think he'd know to do that.
I cried when I took him home, I think. I can't remember why. All I remember is him going inside and telling me that he couldn't handle much more of me crying, that he just couldn't. That didn't make it any better.
So, along with at Good Morning Midnight shirt and cd, I was left with this:
Would you tell someone with cancer to just get better? Then why would you tell someone with depression to just cheer up? Do you think I enjoy this? I don't. If it were that easy to just 'be happy,' then believe me, I would be. You don't have to tell me.
I love Han to pieces. I do. But I've become more fragile and he's become less gentle. I don't know what to do anymore.
I've always believed that if I had an incurable disease, I would cut off ties with people I knew and cared about. Because I didn't want to upset them when everything fell to pieces. But for some reason, I now have depression, something I can't get rid of, and I can't bring myself to get rid of my friendships. I feel like I have to. I have to stop making everyone miserable with my misery. But I can't. I want to run off without any warning or explanation and leave them alone, because they'd certainly be better off without me. But I can't. I care too much about them, especially about Han, and I also don't have enough money.
I did run away, though. Last night I dropped Han off at his house a little early and went to the park. Where I cried. This was in part because I didn't want to cry around him. But once I got there, it was largely because I wanted someone to come and find me. No, here's what it really was (to me) :
There was a princess suffering a great tribulation. She was all by herself. She had tried many times to end her suffering and her situation, but she couldn't do it by herself. Her only hope anymore was for someone to do it for her. But no one wanted to rescue her. She was the princess who wasn't worth rescuing.
So eventually I got off the swingset and walked back to my car. I started to heat it up and I kept crying. And lo and behold, a car pulled up. Yeah... it was a cop car. Telling me that no one was supposed to be in the park past 11 p.m. The only person willing to get me out of the park was someone who has to because they are paid to.
But, it is late. Good night, everyone. And good morning, midnight.
<3 o.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
We Interrupt This Program For An Emergency
I am in a panic.
And unless you have some helpful medical knowledge, maybe you shouldn't read this.
A few days ago, one of my breasts started getting really sore in a particular area. I figured that since I was not too far from my period, it was probably just tenderness due to that. When it got sorer, I thought that maybe I'd bruised it when I was wrestling / tickle-fighting with Han a few days ago. In the shower last night, though, I realized that a spot right about my nipple was red, and also that right around that red area, it also felt kind of stiff. And it was hurting a lot. Before, it only hurt when it got bumped or touched, but now it hurts most of the time.
Doing my research, I thought it was a "breast lump," which are usually signs of a cyst or cancer. You are supposed to see a doctor if it doesn't disappear after your next menstrual cycle, so I was going to wait a week or two before I saw a doctor. I don't know what the "lump" is supposed to be if it disappears after your period, but I don't think it really matters because "lumps" aren't usually visible and they are usually painless.
Other signs of cancer are soreness and a change in skin, like redness, cracking, dimpling, etc. However, I think it could also be a "breast infection," which generally occurs near the nipple, and is red and sore. The drawing they have on medical sites shows a breast that is much redder than mine, but there are only a few photos that I've been able to find, and their redness doesn't look as wide-spread.
So I'm leaning towards infection. The NEXT problem is, however, that these infections most commonly occur in women who are breastfeeding, and I most definitely am not. Apparently, getting this infection when you aren't can be a sign of breast cancer.
I'm not convinced I have cancer, no. But another thing: The breast that has this red soreness also occasionally has an inverted nipple. Well, apparently 2% of the women in America have at least one inverted nipple, and they aren't dangerous or anything, but for some reason they are in some way associated with breast cancer. That is, as I understand it, if your nipple starts to be inverted when it wasn't before, then that could be a sign of breast cancer. Now, my nipple doesn't do it all the time, and I don't know how long it's been like this. I only noticed it in the last year or two, but that doesn't mean much. And an inverted nipple is not a sure-fire sign of cancer.
However, the soreness, redness of skin, inverted nipple, and unlikeliness of the infection when not breastfeeding are enough to make me worry.
So the problem is: What do I do? Do I wait until after my period to see if it goes away? Do I go see a doctor immediately? I don't want to go to my doctor. For one thing, I don't trust him thoroughly, and for another thing, he's a male. So if/when I go to the doctor, I'd rather go to a female doctor, and that means finding one. Do I do this on my own? Do I talk to my mom? This is really embarassing, awkward and personal, and my mom and I aren't that close, but I may need her help with insurance, and I don't know if I'll know how to find an intelligent female doctor on my own. And then there's always the possibility, faint thought it may seem, that I won't need a doctor. But is that really realistic?
I've always thought really hard about my emotional, mental, and spiritual health. When I have problems, I always think about how they might be attributed to problems in one of those areas. I've never considered my physical health so seriously, aside from my migraines. And now that I've started seriously looking at my physical health, I wonder how much effect a serious physical problem might have on my mental/emotional state, or how it might effect my behavior.
I really don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk to Mom or see a doctor, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I'm also really worried that it will be cancerous.
. . .
UUUUUUUUUUUUURGH. ><
<3 o.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
WICKED (part I)
This past Friday, I went to see WICKED again, this time with my whole family. It's a close call, but this performance may have been even better than the first one I saw. G(a)linda was even funnier than she had been, Elphaba's singing was perfect, and I was seated closer so I could see everything better.
But what was so interesting is that I learned something I hadn't understood before: Not only are there two sides to every story, there are two points to every story.
As I understand it, most people take the lesson, "Don't jump to conclusions" from WICKED. But there is another lesson that is stated even more clearly, multiple times, within the musical. Here are a few examples:
"Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?" (Glinda)
"The truth is not fact or reason. The truth is simply what everyone agrees on!" (The Wizard)
"They call me wonderful. So I am wonderful!" (The Wizard)
"Alright, enough, so be it! So be it then. Let all Oz be agreed, I'm wicked through and through!" (Elphaba)
The point? A person is what other people make them out to be. This is evident throughout the musical. The Animals, who have the ability to talk, lose the ability to talk simply because they are pressured and told from all sides that aren't to talk anymore. As the pressure increases, and speaking out is made illegal, the Animals slowly start to turn from Animals with the ability to speak into animals without. Elphaba, who always wanted to do good and to help those in need, has the label of "wicked" pasted to her, and so all of Oz thinks her wicked. Once all of her attempts to do good are thwarted by the assumption of her wickedness, she gives into her identity. The Wizard is probably the character who makes this point the most clear. He sings an entire song about how reality is really just what people think it is. For instance: "Elphaba, where I'm from, we believe all sorts of things that aren't true. We call it "history." A man's called a traitor... or a liberator. A rich man's a theif, or philanthropist. Is one a crusader? Or ruthless invader? It's all in which label is able to persist." It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But it's kind of true.
And I think people do tend to become what they are told they are. In the song "Sensitive" by Jewel, she says, "I have this theory that if we're told we're bad, then that's the only idea we'll ever have."
But we all have the ability to make our own choices, don't we? And we all have to be responsible for our own actions. But let's be honest - when people have the freedom to do what they want, they tend to imitate each other. People are influenced to no end by other people. While, yes, we have the physical ability to make our own choices, I think that we often lack the emotional ability to do so. If everyone is telling you that you are one thing - wicked, crazy, shallow, wonderful, fun - then you'll most like start to believe it. After all, there is nothing to prove them wrong. And if everyone agrees, then they must be right - right?
On the other hand, there were a few characters who were able to break out of their box. Glinda eventually, after losing her best friend and the love of her life, was able to overcome her pretty, perky, pitiful label to confront the Wizard and his cohorts and get them out of power. Fiyero realized that he wasn't as "genuinely selfish" or "deeply shallow" as he thought he was, and began to act on his care for other people and things.
So is a person made who they are by their natural character, or by the influence of other people on their character?
<3 o.
p.s. : There is something else that WICKED made me think of that I will write about later. It is a little more personal.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Let's Talk About Spaceships
- Say Hi To Your Mom
That is basically how I feel about this little situation I've someone been dragged into. Long story short: I have made a mistake. A really big mistake, and, no, I don't intend to share it. I won't even tell my best friend, so I see no reason to stick it on a public blog and risk anyone finding it.
So, moving on to the "spaceships" (that is to say, what we are going to talk about instead) ...
. . .
Problem. I don't have any spaceships. I have tried to write about multiple things here: fairy tales, Swan Lake, school, prom, music. Everything leads back to my problem: Han.
Han is a problem. I can't stand being away from him. But it's almost torture to be with him. Too much has happened and been happening for me to issue a full update. Let me think of a good way to put it.
Han and I had a relationship. It was a good relationship that we had built over time, and like anything that is built, it had a foundation. I don't know what exactly that foundation was, but I'll hazard a guess that it was a mixture of happiness, trust, and security. Well, over the last several weeks, the foundation seems to have started to crack. And continued to crack. Han would appear to want to maintain the relationship; however, he seems unwilling to fix the foundation. I suspect that he doesn't notice how damaged it is, or how necessary.
I could give you reasons and examples of how the foundation started it's cracking process, but I'll spare you. No, I'll spare myself. I don't even want to think about it, much less write about it. Do you know why? Because to write about it is to confirm it. It is to give the problem substance, an existence. Whereas, if it just stays in my brain, it could at some point vanish. That isn't the point. The point is this: Han has convinced me, multiple times, that we are over, done, finished, through. He has convinced me an equal number of times that we're destined, fated, and will be back together. So which do I believe?
Today he hugged me. In (semi) public. That is, on our way out of the classroom at school. At school! How long has it been since he showed an ounce of feeling for me at school? He also muttered that he loved me at school two or three times. And he drew a heart with a band-aid on it on my hand during class. Earlier tonight, I gave him a ride to the bowling alley, and on the way to the car, he had his arm around me and held me to him. He held me at his side. It felt so right!
In fact, there were only two discouraging things today: 1. Generally, when I go to pick Han up for school, he is still asleep. We usually have extra time, so I'll lay down on his bed and also go to sleep. And he always will eventually work his arms around me and pull me closer, or at least put an arm over or around me. We did this while we were dating, and we continued it after we broke up. Who knows why? Because we're idiots. Today, though, he didn't do that. I didn't even get to sleep because it bothered me so much that he didn't reach for me. 2. He's at the bowling alley and I have no way of contacting him. Okay, call me psycho. Keep in mind the last two times he went bowling: The one time, he hung up on me twice, as well as lied to his mom, to go bowling with Cheer (the girl who contributed largely, though not entirely intentionally, to our split and my great unhappiness - she was also played by Han nearly as much as I was in those weeks). The second time was at bowling practice, at which I will occasionally visit and watch, he insisted I leave and that he didn't like me watching (despite that we have bowled together before, and frequently), UNTIL everyone else had left - then he called my cell phone when I was on my way home, insisting he hadn't meant for me to GO and to come back, because everyone left. So, I'm really not thrilled about his being at the bowling alley without my being able to contact him.
Which is funny, because, you know, I really have no claim on him. Technically. And technically, he has no claim on me, either, but he is insanely possessive. If he so much suspects a guy is looking at me or interested in me, it's muttered threats and death glares. Don't you dare encroach on his unofficial territory. But, remember, little o., that don't you dare tell him what to do, because he is his own person! And he can do what he likes! And, by the way, when he's on the phone with you and he says that he "has to go," it really means that he's going to go, probably because he wants to. And don't protest - respect his wish to get off the phone. No matter how upset you are or how badly you need to talk with him. News Flash : I respect men who earn it, not demand it.
Don't consider him too big a jerk. He has not been so psycho of late. It's ironic, though, that he says we'll go back out once I'm happy again, since he hates it when I'm sad or I look sad - yet he is the main reason I am sad. I have never had any doubt before this that he was my prince - but a prince doesn't insist that the princess makes herself safe before he'll take her as his own. Most commonly, a prince will bring her to safety. Han used to do that. He's always hated to see me cry, but he used to do something about it. That is, he used to do something other than tell me to stop and sigh in an annoyed manner.
It's clear that he can't really handle me. Obviously, I stress him out, and he can't take care of me like he used to. And still he refuses to leave me alone. I've given him many an opportunity. I've told him to take the ring back. I've told him to just stay away because it will make his life so much easier. He simply won't do it.
I know that, up until now, I've made Han out to be a total monster. But he's not. It's said that you never know what you've got till it's gone, and I never knew the honesty of that statement. When we were going out, I tried to make a list of 101 things that I loved about Han. It took me a week or two to get 50 original reasons. Today, I started a list of things that I miss about him, and I got over 50 in less than a class period. And I have more in my head.
The truth is, I'm the monster. The harder I try to fix something, the worse it gets. The more I love a person, the worse I hurt them. Is there a person I've encountered that I haven't injured? Doubtful.
Sadly, there is no conclusion to this. So much for a spaceship. However, I suppose I have avoided confessing to my horrible mistake, although it was a narrow escape.
<3 o.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Already?
It's times like these when I think, "Another year gone. Another year wasted." Because what have I accomplished this year? Nothing. I don't even remember last year's resolution, and I can tell you now that, whatever other goals I have set for myself throughout the year, have been abandoned and forgotten.
And to add to this feeling of doom-and-gloom, I am also facing the feeling of having lost two and a half years of my life with Han. Really wasted? It's hard to tell. Some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't. I believe that something good can come from everything that happens -- can. Not necessarily will. But I don't believe that everything happens for the sole purpose of that one thing that could happen as a result. Han still insists that we'll be back together, and soon. I've made it clear to him that he's going to have to work for it. Do I mean that? No. But does he know that? I hope not.
When Han and I first met, I had a very pessimistic, negative attitude towards men and love. I didn't want to date anyone. Ever. But especially that year -- that had been my New Year's Resolution that year. To stay single. Well, Han messed that one up. September of that year we were going out. I couldn't say no to him -- and I haven't been able to say no to him since.
That isn't saying it was easy for him to get me. I was not open to the idea of men at all, much less dating one, and he knew that. It took him a long time to befriend me, much less get up the nerve to ask me to do the one thing he knew I didn't really believe in -- to be with someone. When I say that Han has to work for it, I mean that I have a very similar attitude now. Men are cruel and manipulative and relationships always end badly. Han is going to have to start nearly completely over. He is going to have to work in order to regain trust and and access to love.
But I digress. I have gotten off-subject. In addition to all the confusion already in my life, we now have this: What is my resolution? Well, that depends on what I want, doesn't it? What do I want to be like? What do I want to do? What do I want? And I don't know. I don't know what I want.
I have wasted yet another year of my life. An entire year. And what can I do this year to ensure that I don't do it again? Little, I fear, other than to keep in mind that I don't want to waste it. And there -- I didn't have a resolution before, but I have found it now. I resolve to not waste my year. And how is that? After all, it is my philosophy, isn't it? The one I mentioned when I first started this blog? "Don't do nothing." So, I still don't know what I want to be like or what I want to do or anything else that I want. But I do know what I don't want. I don't want to waste another year of my life.
I could write more, but I am tired. Good night / morning, everyone. :] I hope that your New Year will be the beginning of something good.
<3 o.